Do I completely move on, or do I hold on?
I feel completely silly talking about this on a forum, and asking advice from strangers, but I need that non bias opinion.
Here's the background. I was with my ex boyfriend for almost six years. We were dating since I was 16, and I am 22 now. He is 24. We were engaged when I graduated from high school, which was three years of being together, and things in our relationship changed, got comfortable, and gave me doubts about being with him forever, so I ended things. Four months later, I missed him, and when we saw each other, we both realized our feelings for each other were still there. So we got back together, and everything was great. A year went by, and we got engaged again. We bought a house together, and we started to plan our wedding. Well six months later, I realized that I wasn't able to go through with it. Him and I had the type of relationship that was exclusive to only each other. We didn't have our own friends that we hung out with, or do things on our own. It was just him and I. And since we were together since we were so young, the only thing that defined our lives were each other. I didn't think that was healthy, so I ended things again telling myself (and him) that I needed more in life than just one relationship. I needed friends, I needed my family, and I needed independence. I needed to be happy with myself, and find out who I am before I started a life with anyone. So I broke him heart a second time, because he did not feel this way at all. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I knew I needed to be selfish in the situation and think about what was best for me. For months he begged me to come back and to see him, but I needed my time, and I convinced him to stop thinking about me and move on, because it was the only way we could live our lives. I never stopped loving him. I will say that there were times that I thought I was moved on, and could start a new life.
Well for the past few months I've had intense thoughts of him, and almost regret. We started talking more frequently with each other over the phone. We both actually were in relationships, but mine was very casual.. more of a good friend type, and his seemed to be serious. When we talked about how we felt about each other, and how we both missed and loved each other still, we agreed that our lives were just to different and it would be almost imossible for things to work out now. Well, we decided to see each other one night and for me, it was really to confirm my feelings. And I absolutely did. I fell in love with him all over again in that moment, and it was the most amazing feeling. And I felt the love he had for me, the way he held me, the way he looked into my eyes. Everything we felt before was still there. I ended up telling him that I would do absolutely anything to make it work. And I knew I didn't deserve that chance because of all the doubts I've had in the past, and the hurt I've put him through, but I would prove forever that I loved him. And I know I left twice with doubts, but what happened, is that I've gone through many life experiences in the time we had apart. I found me, I have an amazing group of friends, and everything I left him for, I have. And now there's something missing, and I know its him. But he wants nothing to do with me. He doesn't think that he loves me the same way, or wants to risk the relationship that he is in (which he says he loves her.. after four months) to see if I will leave him again or not.
Anyway, here is what I'm essentially asking. I KNOW what we have still. I felt it the two times we spent time with each other. He kissed me, and made love to me, and held me, loved me, said he loved me. It was all there. But as soon as we are no longer together, I think he starts thinking with his head and not his heart, and has a huge fear of me hurting him again. He says that now he needs me to move on because he doesn't want to be with me. He doesn't want to see me anymore, and doesn't want to talk with me anymore. Now I can't help but think that it was my mistake that is causing so much pain being without him. Knowing that he feels like this other woman is worth it to stop seeing and talking to me. I don't want to move on, because I want to be there if or when he realizes that I am the one for him. Because I know, or at least I honestly feel, that he knows what is between us, but there is so much fear holding him back. So do I hang on to this amazing love? This love that I know I will never have with anyone else? I know exactly what I want, and it's him, so do I continue to fight for it? Or do I move one, and stop thinking about him. And if that's the answer, how? Every single second I think of him. I think of us, and what could have been or can be.
I apologize for this novel, but I don't know how to handle this anymore, and I need help.
