Ask Me Help Desk - Why don't I like sex as much as other girls?

I am in a relationship with a great guy who would do anything for me and my son and I feel really bad that I can't give him one thing that He loves and needs everyday. Yes I am talking about sex. We are 25 yrs old and my sex drive has totally went down hill ever since I had my son who is now 6yrs old. I feel really bad and want to know is there anything I can do to help me want sex again like I used to. I dream about having sex with him all the time but when I wake up it never happens and its very aggravating for me and him. I don't know if it could be because my virginity was taken when I was 12yrs old by a guy 2yrs older than me and that now I think that's all guys ever want in a relationship. My boyfriend talks about sex 24/7 and it makes me feel like that's all he wants so it turns me off. I have a big issue with sex and I am tired of not wanting it like other girls. I am diagnosed as having depression also and they say that has a lot to do with my sex drive also. I don't know but I seem to always have an excuse why I am not in the mood and my boyfriend can make a list for you. We do have sex occasionally say like once every two weeks, I know that is sad, and I can never seem to get in the mood no matter what he does. I am also 8months pregnant and that makes it even worse because Im always tired and can't sleep well at night , etc... Please help me! What is wrong with me?? :(

Honey, you have way more issues than can be sanely addressed. You will soon have two children by different fathers. That is a big issue to me. Sex is one of the last things a relationship should be built on. It sounds to me like all your men friends want one thing, sex and they seem to be getting it. You need to work on your relationship skills. Being 8 months pregnant does not help. Your hormones are raging in the wrong direction. Actually your doctor has probably already told you no more sex until after the baby is born so that is a non issue. Work on your relationship skills now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 450donn

Honey, you have way more issues than can be sanely addressed. You will soon have two children by different fathers. That is a big issue to me. Sex is one of the last things a relationship should be built on. It sounds to me like all your men friends want one thing, sex and they seem to be getting it. You need to work on your relationship skills. Being 8 months pregnant does not help. Your hormones are raging in the wrong direction. Actually your doctor has probably already told you no more sex until after the baby is born so that is a non issue. Work on your relationship skills now.

NO, my men friends don't get sex from me and they arnt men friends. I am not a whore and I am not talking about wishing that I liked sex so that I can be one. I had my first child because I wanted a child so that was my choice and that was 6yrs ago and this pregnancy is because I am in a committed relationship with my boyfriend which we have plans on getting married. I am wanting to please my BF and I just wanted advice to help me because I care about his needs. Our relationship isn't based on sex because if it was then don't you think I would be screwing him everyday and night? The issue I have is that I don't have sex as much and want to with my BF. No, my doctor hasn't told me no more sex until the baby is born because I haven't had sex much during pregnancy. Oh yea, I am not the only one who has kids from two different fathers, there are girls that have way more kids and all by different dads or they don't know who there kids fathers are. I am blessed to have my kids and wouldn't change that for anything.

First off, the word is "because", not "bc".

We do not condone chat speak of any sort on the ADULT boards. You need to write your words out like an adult, or I will assume that you are not and delete your posts.

Second--you DO have a lot going on. Pregnancy hormones can decrease libido, as can all the stresses that go with being pregnant. Having a child is a sex-killer unless you work at it NOT being so.

It's extremely hard for most women to switch from their job persona to their mom persona, to their housekeeper persona, to their sex-siren persona. It just doesn't work like that. And your boyfriend constantly talking about sex can't help--it's putting MORE pressure on you, which is further killing your libido.

First, make your bedroom absolutely about your relationship. Make the sheets nice, make your bed every day, etc. Get rid of the TV in the bedroom. Get some good blackout curtains for the windows. Get some nice throw pillows in lush fabrics. Get rid of ANYTHING that clutters up the room. Your bedroom should be about sleep and sex. Nothing else.

Next--your boyfriend needs to understand a few things.
1. you're pregnant, and hormones are NOT what they should be when you're pregnant. He needs to back the heck off.
2. Talking about sex constantly is nothing but a pressure on you. Every time he feels the need to TALK about sex, he should do a household chore. Once your house is clean and has less clutter, you'll be able to turn your mind more to sex.
3. Get a babysitter at LEAST once a week. Knowing your kid could walk in at any time is a libido killer. I mean--it's hard to switch from "mom" mode to "sex" mode when you know you have to switch back to "mom" in a heartbeat if he walks in, or starts having a bad dream, or whatever.
4. Sex for women is mostly mental. He needs to work on getting you there MENTALLY. That means LOTS of foreplay. That means LOTS of skin touching that doesn't NEED to lead to sex. For every time you say yes to sex when you're not in the mood, he needs to say yes to cuddling, or a backrub, or putting lotion on your skin, or whatever. Touching is an incredibly important connector that most people seem to miss as being part of the sexual act. It doesn't need to be sexual touching--as a matter of fact, most of it SHOULD be non-sexual.

You also need to realize this isn't going to get better anytime soon. A newborn is the BIGGEST libido killer there is. Lack of sleep, lack of energy, and constantly being focused on being "mom" will just leave you too exhausted for sex most times.

Things that you CAN do, to try to get there:
1. Wear pretty/sexy underwear. Even if you're not going any further than that, KNOWING that you are wearing something naughty can sometimes turn your thoughts to naughty.
2. Buy yourself some sexy pjs. Make yourself wear them at least once a week.
3. Say yes to sex at least once every 3 times. You may not be in the mood, and it's okay to say that, but sometimes STARTING with the sexual stuff is enough to bring you into the mood.
4. Talk to your doctor. This is important because it may rule out any PHYSICAL factors, such as hormones being out of whack.

The biggest issues I see with your situation are lack of energy to get into the mood, and too much pressure from your boyfriend without enough connection moments in between. You need to talk WITH each other, point out the things that distract you from being in the mood (INCLUDING the pressure from him) and he needs to point out how often he really NEEDS to have sex to be fulfilled. The idea is for the two of you to connect and to both be mentally in the same place.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Synnen

First off, the word is "because", not "bc".

We do not condone chat speak of any sort on the ADULT boards. You need to write your words out like an adult, or I will assume that you are not and delete your posts.

Second--you DO have a lot going on. Pregnancy hormones can decrease libido, as can all the stresses that go with being pregnant. Having a child is a sex-killer unless you work at it NOT being so.

It's extremely hard for most women to switch from their job persona to their mom persona, to their housekeeper persona, to their sex-siren persona. It just doesn't work like that. And your boyfriend constantly talkign about sex can't help--it's putting MORE pressure on you, which is further killing your libido.

First, make your bedroom absolutely about your relationship. Make the sheets nice, make your bed every day, etc. Get rid of the TV in the bedroom. Get some good blackout curtains for the windows. Get some nice throw pillows in lush fabrics. Get rid of ANYTHING that clutters up the room. Your bedroom should be about sleep and sex. nothing else.

Next--your boyfriend needs to understand a few things.
1. you're pregnant, and hormones are NOT what they should be when you're pregnant. He needs to back the heck off.
2. Talkign about sex constantly is nothing but a pressure on you. Every time he feels the need to TALK about sex, he should do a household chore. Once your house is clean and has less clutter, you'll be able to turn your mind more to sex.
3. Get a babysitter at LEAST once a week. Knowing your kid could walk in at any time is a libido killer. I mean--it's hard to switch from "mom" mode to "sex" mode when you know you have to switch back to "mom" in a heartbeat if he walks in, or starts having a bad dream, or whatever.
4. Sex for women is mostly mental. He needs to work on getting you there MENTALLY. That means LOTS of foreplay. That means LOTS of skin touching that doesn't NEED to lead to sex. For every time you say yes to sex when you're not in the mood, he needs to say yes to cuddling, or a backrub, or putting lotion on your skin, or whatever. Touching is an incredibly important connector that most people seem to miss as being part of the sexual act. It doesn't need to be sexual touching--as a matter of fact, most of it SHOULD be non-sexual.

You also need to realize this isn't going to get better anytime soon. A newborn is the BIGGEST libido killer there is. Lack of sleep, lack of energy, and constantly being focused on being "mom" will just leave you too exhausted for sex most times.

Things that you CAN do, to try to get there:
1. Wear pretty/sexy underwear. Even if you're not going any further than that, KNOWING that you are wearing something naughty can sometimes turn your thoughts to naughty.
2. Buy yourself some sexy pjs. Make yourself wear them at least once a week.
3. Say yes to sex at least once every 3 times. You may not be in the mood, and it's okay to say that, but sometimes STARTING with the sexual stuff is enough to bring you into the mood.
4. Talk to your doctor. This is important because it may rule out any PHYSICAL factors, such as hormones being out of whack.

The biggest issues I see with your situation are lack of energy to get into the mood, and too much pressure from your boyfriend without enough connection moments in between. You need to talk WITH each other, point out the things that distract you from being in the mood (INCLUDING the pressure from him) and he needs to point out how often he really NEEDS to have sex to be fulfilled. The idea is for the two of you to connect and to both be mentally in the same place.

Thanks for the advise, you seem to be right on target. Im glad to know that you see my point of view and why I can't seem to get in the mood. The pressure from my boyfriend and the lack of energy that I have with a 6yr old and a newborn coming soon. I will try the things you told me to try and see if it works.

Quote:

Originally Posted by blfabila5

NO, my men friends don't get sex from me and they arnt men friends. I am not a whore and I am not talking about wishin that I liked sex so that I can be one. I had my first child bc I wanted a child so that was my choice and that was 6yrs ago and this pregnancy is bc I am in a committed relationship with my bf which we have plans on getting married. I am wanting to please my BF and I just wanted advice to help me bc I care about his needs. Our relationship isn't based on sex bc if it was then dont you think I would be screwing him everyday and night? The issue I have is that I don't have sex as much and want to with my BF. No, my doctor hasn't told me no more sex until the baby is born bc I havnt had sex much during pregnancy. Oh yea, I am not the only one who has kids from two different fathers, there are girls that have way more kids and all by different dads or they dont know who there kids fathers are. I am blessed to have my kids and wouldnt change that for anything.

Who slow up a bit. I did not call or imply that were a "whore". Your choosing to have children out of wed lock is your choice and whether I agree with it or not is my choice. Any time there are children from a blended family there can be all sorts of problems. Your lack of sex drive right now is perfectly normal given your current condition. If your current boy friend is unwilling to accept that for what ever reason then he has problems too. Please accept my sincere apology if you took my comments that way. That was not my intention.

Dear bl,

You have several major problems going on here that are interfering with your desire for happiness in your life.

It is really important for you, as a mother of almost two children, to continue with your therapist who diagnosed you with depression. Get to the bottom of your anger from your childhood as well as from how you are treated today.

HIdden anger and depression kill sexual desire, kill it dead.

My best wishes to you going forward, :)