I need advice on how to cope with my alcoholic boyfriend.

He is 13 years older than me at 33 and this is a main issue in our relationship. While he has seen and experienced so much of lifes misfortunes I have only just began on lifes journey at 20 years old. He has been in the Armed forces and witnessed some pretty horrific things, he then became disabled at 23 after being badly tackled in a game of rugby where he now has 3 slipped disks in his back. He has recently came out of a 14 year old relationship, where he has 3 children 1 of which is deceased. During this relationship he was both physichally and mentally abused by his partner. In my opinion this has made him very depressed and although he is on medication for manic depression and severe anxiety they are not helping. Therefore he is turning to the drink.

His ex partner is still playing with his head in sending him abusive text messages and refusing to let him speak to the children which is just making him worse and there is the possibility that he may spend this xmas in prison.

I grew up in an alcoholic family where my stepdad was an alcoholic and could become very violent on times and I vowed to myself that I would never put upwith it or become aggressive and cause arguments as my mum so often did, however now I findmyself having the same arguments and repeating the behaviour with my boyfriend. This is ruining our relationship as I hate being in the pub or him drinking. However he feels that the pub is better than being at home getting more depressed. I an at the end of my teather and don't know what to do. I love him very much and want to be with him yet I find myself arguing with him and causing arguments but then I only end up hating myself for being so insensitive.

I really don't know what to do and feel that I have nobody to talk to as I constantly feel as if I am being judged by family and friends. Please help anybody

Thanks 4 listening to my rant XX:confused::confused:

You are not causing your arguments and it's time to realize that your mother didn't become aggressive and cause arguments either. It doesn't take alcholics much to react. They have to reinforce their depression and need to drink and they will take any excuse just to reinforce that need.

You need to cut your losses, I know that it will be very difficult and I believe that you love this man, but he has a lot of things going on in his life that he needs to deal with. You can choose to support him from a friendship role, but you need to end the relationship.

Why oh Why did you get yourself into this mess by dating this guy?

He has A LOT of baggage and you're just a young girl discovering the world..

Let me tell you something.. relationships that are healthy should make you happy.. not depressed and down and out..

First step, go to Al-Anon.. It is a recovery group for people who have been affected by an acholohic..

Second step (while you're going to Al-Anon) find the strength to leave this guy.. He is NOT GOOD FOR YOU!

I'd say you're lucky that you're not married to him, the separation can be clean.. and you can move on and see that relationships can actually be fun and uplifiting most of the time!

Are you still with him because you love him and you love being with him, or are you there because you feel like you should stick it out, because that's what you think is expected of you?

This relationship is going no where. Step back, read your post as if it was someone else's life. What advice would you give?

It's time to move on, stop putting yourself in this situation. He has to hit rock bottom and then decide whether he wants help, you don't have to take that journey with him.

FInd someone healthy, someone with less baggage. You don't deserve this.

Good luck.

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Originally Posted by Charley_louise

I need advice on how to cope with my alcoholic boyfriend.

He is 13 years older than me at 33 and this is a main issue in our relationship. While he has seen and experienced so much of lifes misfortunes i have only just began on lifes journey at 20 years old. He has been in the Armed forces and witnessed some pretty horrific things, he then became disabled at 23 after being badly tackled in a game of rugby where he now has 3 slipped disks in his back. He has recently came out of a 14 year old relationship, where he has 3 children 1 of which is deceased. During this relationship he was both physichally and mentally abused by his partner. In my personal opinion this has made him very depressed and although he is on medication for manic depression and severe anxiety they are not helping. Therefore he is turning to the drink.

His ex partner is still playing with his head in sending him abusive txt messages and refusing to let him speak to the children which is just making him worse and there is the possibility that he may spend this xmas in prison.

I grew up in an alcholic family where my stepdad was an alcholic and could become very violent on times and i vowed to myself that i would never put upwith it or become agressive and cause arguments as my mum so often did, however now i findmyself having the same arguments and repeating the behaviour with my boyfriend. This is ruining our relationship as i hate being in the pub or him drinking. However he feels that the pub is better than being at home getting more depressed. I an at the end of my teather and don't know what to do. I love him very much and want to be with him yet i find myself arguing with him and causing arguments but then i only end up hating myself for being so insensitive.

I really don't know what to do and feel that i have nobody to talk to as i constantly feel as if i am being judged by family and friends. Please help anybody

Thanx 4 listening to my rant XX:confused::confused:

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The first thing I saw in your post is this:

In my opinion this has made him very depressed and although he is on medication for manic depression and severe anxiety they are not helping. Therefore he is turning to the drink.

ANYONE being treated for manic depression(INCLUDING MYSELF) can't drink alcohol.PERIOD.

The whole chemistry change brought on by taking the meds is completely wiped out as they drink.

From this explanation of his behavior,It would seem that HE might not have been the victim if his past relationship,but the aggressor,he just says this so he gets attention,sympathy,validity for his victim role.

The second thing,WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH A MAN THIS MUCH OLDER THAN YOU??
And with all that baggage?

Also, why does he have prison hanging over him?Are you really going to be a part of his mayhem and endorse this behavior? Get real.

If his family is on your case,get gone while the gettins good.

KBC

You need to run as fast and as far away from this guy as you can. Life with him is not going to change. Oh, it will change allright. It will get worse, much worse quicker than you even think.

Don't wait for Him to get well.. you are as sick as he is right now because of his addiction.. you are addicted to the addict. Get well... don't wait for him.. take care of yourself first.. Al-Anon is a great start... and therapy, if u can afford it. Don't wait for him.. take action for YOURSEF... good luck

You are only with this guy because you feel *comfortable* being in a toxic relationship based on your past. You can't fix this guy.

Get some professional help with a good therapist so you don't waste large segments of your young life. Why lock in years of total misery and suffering??

Best wishes going forward, :)

The only thing worse than spending all those years wasted with him... is SPENDING ONE MORE DAY WITH HIM.. keep in touch

Sometimes its hard to see the forest for the trees in this type of relationship. You get sucked into this whirlwind of live as you know it, revolves around one person, who is likely manipulating it in the first place.

Try stepping back as someone has said, and read your own question, and think about how you would advise somebody else in the same boat.

Sit yourself down and write a list. Pros and cons. Take a long hard look at what his problems are, and list them. Take a good look at the relationship, and write out the good and bad. Add to the 'cons' side, those things which are not under your power to change such as his relationship with his x, physical problems, mental problems, addictions. Be as honest as you possibly can. Even try looking at him as somebody you do not know, but you are aware of his current situation.

Add to the cons what you are coping with. Worry, stress, sleepless nights, constant reassurance and nurturing of this individual, making excuses, enabling behaviours, compromising your own judgment, doubting your instincts, etc.

It isn't easy to be critical of someone you love, but you must not sugar coat any of this.

When you have finished, add them up, and it should tell you what you probably already know.

I can't stand it when people ask why or how you got yourself into this situation, or with anybody whose got baggage. That's a no brainer question, and the only no brainer answer is the fact that people with this kind of baggage do not normally walk up to another person and say "hey ... I've got a baggage or a pile of crap I'd like to share with you ... would you like some?"

The fact is, at some point or another in our lives, we're going to either acquire baggage, or run into it. It's just a part of life! We put our best for forward, and relationships take time to build. Nobody wants to or should ever have to settle for less than what they fully deserve. Eventually, you're going to reach a point in your life where you are able to realize your own self worth. If you woke up everyday to read messages on your walls that read "I'm beautiful ... My love is priceless ... I'm a GEM ... I'm an AMAZING young woman with so much to offer to the world ... I'm more valuable than a pot of gold"... eventually you are going to realize just how beautiful of a person you truly are from the inside out. You will realize that you do NOT have to put up with any kind of BS. You WILL find your inner-strength and courage to help you move forward and make better choices for yourself and in every aspect of your life. You have to work on it though and give it some time and patience. I have no doubt that you love this man with ALL YOUR HEART... but that being said... just remember... you need to learn to love yourself that much more! God bless you on this journey in life, and in all your relationships (both personal and professional)!