Ask Me Help Desk - Am I too obsessive?

Its been a month and a half of NO CONTACT. I finally stuck to it. But the only thing is that I'm hurting over my ex-girlfriend. It wasn't like she went around the world and back for me. I was the one going out of my way for her. But I'm still hurting. Can't stop thinking about her and the situation. Its just hard. But NO CONTACT has gotten so EASY for me!! But I'm still hurting a lot. And don't understand why. I was invited to a church event to play bass guitar, but I turned it down because she was going to be there. Why?

You just haven't gotten over it yet. Don't hurry the healing process. It takes a long time. The more you worry about it, the less likely you are to get over it. Good thing you avoided the church event as well. Keep on sticking to NC. It will get better.

Healing is a process that will get harder before it get easier. Just keep it up. You turned the invite down because your still hurting. Give it another month and a half and see how you feel then.

Glad you are sticking to NC.

My first big love lost... took me nearly two years to shake that girl out of my head... even when I was with another good girl.

It takes time. It sucks to be you. Been there. Done that. It gets better. Just nowhere near as fast as you'd like.

Personally, letting the hurt turn to a healthy dose of anger helped. Sure, I still carried baggage into the next relationship, but being pi$$ed helped me keep the faith that in time all would be good.

It was. In time. Way too much damn time.

Its been hard. I thought I would be over her by now but I'm not. I'm kind of upset at myself also because I fell in love with a girl who fell in love with me (later got confused and said she wasn't), told me a lot words that sounded so good but later on didn't hold any value. How could I have been so stupid. Don't get me wrong she's a good girl but she just don't know how she hurt me and confused me... you know... and she NEVER admitted that she did anything wrong at ALL. And the way I was hitting her up constantly, she probably got a real good self-esteem boost off me. Its like she didn't see me for who I was at all. I'm just kind of mad at myself, you know? How could I just let myself get so deep into her like I did.

Be patient and give yourself more time and get busier.

I think that was a good move passing on the money to avoid her.

Bet it still stirred up old feelings though.

Don't worry they will pass.

I have written about the five steps of grief and would like to share them with you also.

Grief can occur as the result of a number of different events-someone we know dies,a relationship ends,we lose a pet,we have to give up on a long held goal in our life,or any number of situations.But there is one common denominator in all of these events,and that is loss.grief is a process of physical,emotional,social,and cognitive reactions to loss.The grieving process is often a hard one to work through.It requires patience with ourselves and with others.Although responses to loss are as diverse as the people experiencing it,patterns or stages that are commonly experienced have emerged.These stages were identified and named by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.Knowing these five stages can sometimes help in coping with the process of grief and recognize that there is light at the end of the tunnel.It should be noted that although most people experience all the following stages,they do not experience them with the same duration,or in the same order,or with the same intensity.It is a unique process.

Denial

Denial is generally the first stage in the grief process.It can be experienced as numbness or avoidance or isolation or direct denial.It is a stage in which we just cannot believe that the loss is true.We may tell ourselves that it did not really happen.It does not seem real.

Anger

Another stage of grief is anger.At this point,we have gotten past some or all of the denial,but now we are angry about the loss.We may want to take it out on something or someone,or we may just express our anger in ways that are familiar to us.

Bargaining

In the bargaining stage,we are trying to come up with ways to get back what we lost or just find someone or something to blame.Common thoughts include,"If only I had just ..."or"i wish we could have ..."or "Maybe if I do this ..."In the case of a lost relationship, we might actually bargain with the person we lost in an effort to get them back."If I change my behavior,will you come back?"

Depression

The depression stage is just as it sounds,a time of sadness.It generally follows denial,anger,and bargaining when we feel helpless to stop the loss.It may include crying,withdrawal,or any other way that expresses sadness.

Acceptance

The final stage is acceptance.Most often we have gone through all of the above stages and in many cases cycled through the above stages more than once before getting to acceptance.At this stage,we have(to some extent)reorganized ourselves and our thinking to incorporate the loss.This does not mean that we no longer get sad about the loss from time to time.Over time, the intensity of the sadness generally diminishes,but may never entirely go away.

Armed with the knowledge of these five stages,we can now better understand ourselves and others who are going through the grief process.Recognizing the stages can increase your empathy and support for others and provide permission for yourself to go through the process in your own way and in your own time.

Copyright Lori Godin,Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.She can be reached in San Jose,California,at 408-260-9996

Does this help?Let me know.
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You will get there my friend

The only reason why you are feeling hurt..

Is.. because you felt USED

And you was. Emotionaly.. you gave everything and you know she gave very little back.

You are doing great with no contact.. now its just the..
What the hell was I thinking and doing FAZE

Its very normal :)
We are more angry and upset with ourselves than the loss of our partner.

Keep at it man! And remember next time ;) will be different

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrueFaith

you will get there my friend

the only reason why you are feeling hurt..

is.. because you felt USED

and you was. emotionaly.. you gave everything and you know she gave very little back.

you are doing great with no contact.. now its just the..
What the hell was i thinking and doing FAZE

its very normal :)
we are more angry and upset with our selfs than the loss of our partner.

Keep at it man! and remember next time ;) will be different

Man you just read me like a book!! SERIOUSLY!!

It's all good man! Take your time in the healing. It has been a long time for me, and I still have my moments of sadness. Once you get over this, you are a whole new person...

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrueFaith

you will get there my friend

the only reason why you are feeling hurt..

is.. because you felt USED

and you was. emotionaly.. you gave everything and you know she gave very little back.

Yeah, I felt very used! I felt used and led on... as good of a heart that I have especially when I'm love with someone such as her. I literally put my heart out there, and gave everything to only me end up feeling used and led on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrueFaith

you are doing great with no contact.. now its just the..
What the hell was i thinking and doing FAZE

What was I thinking... literally?? I mean I kept rationalizing and giver the benefit of the doubt, I HONESTLY didn't know what to believe anymore concerning her. What was I thinking?

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrueFaith

its very normal :)
we are more angry and upset with our selfs than the loss of our partner.

I'm more MAD and DISAPPOINTED at MYSELF than her or anything else.

YOU TELLING ME ITS NORMAL...?!? WHAT...?!?

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrueFaith

Keep at it man! and remember next time ;) will be different

IT WILL BE DIFFERENT...BELIEVE ME...

And why do we fall Sweetguy? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up.

Yup! Pick yourself back up and get back on the NC wagon! When you fall off, pick yourself back up and get back on. We all go through this and once you truly stick to NC easily, then you know your almost there.

Believe me, I have fallen off the wagon MANY times, but I keep picking myself back up and doing it again. No shame in making mistakes, only shame is not knowing you are making the mistakes...

It's normal to feel the way you do so don't think you being obsess.

Yeah I been doing very great with NO CONTACT... Its been almost 2 months without breaking that.

I'm just so upset at myself right now.

But the upside about everything is that I've learned so much from situation. I mean a great deal of information about me in general and about relationships and love.

But I'm still a little upset at myself though...

Im glad its normal to feel this way when relationship goes wrong and ends. Because I honestly thought that maybe something with me. Because I've never took a relationship as hard as I took this one and I'm 23yrs old. But at the same time I've never fell for someone as hard as I did too... glad I'm not crazy...

One thing you need to understand is sometimes good people with a lot in common just don't last. Seriously.

I loved a GREAT girl once, right out of college. She rocked. Fun. Sexy. Great sense of humor. Sexy. Did I mention sexy?

But man... it was bad timing.

I'm ten years into a great relationship now... with a rock solid woman who has my back. But I will tell you honestly... that girl is now chasing boys down in Texas... and if my beloved kicked me to the curb... id might just chase her down.

My point is... one of the hardest things to get over is being able to deal with being hurt and pi$$ed AND at the same time believing that she, and you (as a couple) were real...

It can happen. You can be two great people who mean well and it doesn't work out. I've been there. More than once.

Itd be much easier to just say "she was evil and mean and played me"...

Much of the time... its not like that. Its two people who really try to mean well, and when things don't work out, its tough to get past whether it was real or not.

Unfortunately "real" and "not right" aren't exclusive.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kp2171

one thing you need to understand is sometimes good people with a lot in common just dont last. seriously.

i loved a GREAT girl once, right out of college. she rocked. fun. sexy. great sense of humor. sexy. did i mention sexy?

but man... it was bad timing.

im ten years into a great relationship now... with a rock solid woman who has my back. but i will tell you honestly... that girl is now chasing boys down in texas... and if my beloved kicked me to the curb... id might just chase her down.

my point is... one of the hardest things to get over is being able to deal with being hurt and pi$$ed AND at the same time believing that she, and you (as a couple) were real...

it can happen. you can be two great people who mean well and it doesnt work out. ive been there. more than once.

itd be much easier to just say "she was evil and mean and played me"...

much of the time... its not like that. its two people who really try to mean well, and when things dont work out, its tough to get past whether it was real or not.

unfortunately "real" and "not right" arent exclusive.

Can you explain that a bit more...please...???