I guess I need some help, I’ve never asked for assistance with this but I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Serious Commitment ends in failure:
My girl and I have broken up again! The only thing that’s messed up is this time we were just labeling ourselves as “friends”. We have split up before in the 3 years we’ve been together, every time it’s the same thing. I basically am told that she’s not ready, she will only hurt me, she’s not sure what she wants etc..
She has told me and we have both come to the conclusion she has major commitment problems. She will ask me to let her be, give space, move on myself. Now I’ve tried and been with other people, it’s just not the same. I know I love her and want to be with her, she has the qualities and compassion, empathy, trust, which we all look for in someone. She would be classified as my perfect match.
We always somehow get back together for a month-6month run before all these same issues come back into play and history repeats again, she wants to split off and go her own direction. While I stand back and get hurt again, life falls apart around me and I feel like I need to go and put 110% back into fixing stuff.
This time she wants to end a “friendship”, I don’t even understand this at all. We have no real reason to do this. She is a section 8, disability, stay at home all day type who has major social issues. But has just started a new day treatment program for something to do during the day and now wants to end our friendship because I guess she’s got her own thing going on. But I have the strongest feeling she will screw things up there like she normally does or just not want to go anymore which has happened in the past also,( these 2 reasons are in know way why I want to stay with her)once one of these happens its like “I told you so” but I never say this to her. And after she will want to have something with me again. I have been her only contact in the world for so long. I have respected her in just wanting to be friends for a while now, never pushed with relationship stuff I just always figured she would come back around like she usually does.
Is this commitment issue she has the reason why she can’t make up her mind if she’s staying or going? She tells me at time’s “I love you” then at others ” I was confused when I said I love you”, she tells me now she doesn’t want to be with anyone, and I should really move on even for a friend. These are things she just says to me at times. Then after some time goes by I guess she gets lonely and wants me back weather its as a friend to her cause she might feel the commitment issue scares her to not want me as her man. Or she just wants me as a friend. We tried over this summer to go to couples counseling together, but she had a real bad depression kick in and gave up on it real quick and said she was going to go because I wanted it not because she wanted it.
I just don’t know what to do, I’ve tried to move on, and I’ve tried other women. It’s just not the same, this girl smiles at me and I feel so good inside! She also makes me laugh! Like no one ever else! There’s just something about her that’s different and I just know, ( know how you just know someone’s you true match) she’s mine.
?? Help?? I just need to figure out either how to fix things for once and for all, or how to deal with this back and forth stuff and try to move on myself. I have a feeling history will repeat again if I were to move on and she will want something back from me again and I just know I will fall for her again, I just know It.

I think you already know the answer in your heart. This is a person no matter how much you love her is not ready to commit to you or possibly anyone for that matter. 3 years is a long time to hang on the hopes of love from her. Now is the time to call it quits once and for all. This may mean moving to a new location, changing phone numbers, changing friends, do what ever it takes to rid yourself of this woman. Invest in yourself and what makes you happy. New hobbies, new friends what ever it is that you need in your life to start over.

You know I would love to say OK sure I can handle that, but to be honest I doubt that I can do any of that. I don't know why I am even posting anything on these sites cause I do know the answer, I just won't accept it.

You are on a rollar coaster, and you know what's going to happen because the pattern continues. The only one who can exit the rollar coaster is you. You do what to do, and you have to accept it.

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Originally Posted by pauly7

she has the qualities and compassion, empathy, trust, which we all look for in someone. She would be classified as my perfect matcht

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Yeah OK.. that is all well and good.. just one small problem... She DOES not want to be in a REAL RELATIONSHIP! you have been beating a dead horse for 3 years! Leave her alone now. Geeezzz

And that's it.. simple

No matter what you do.. she will never be who you want her to be.. stop waisting your time. And use it to better yourself and find someone else who is looking for the same things you are..

And don't give me that crap about she is the only one.. BahH!
Not true.. you have no idea who is out there.

Stop getting stuck in your little world.. and your narrow view of your girls.
Get out there and live
And stop with wanting something you can't have

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Originally Posted by TrueFaith

Yeah ok.. that is all well and good.. just one small problem........She DOES not want to be in a REAL RELATIONSHIP! you have been beating a dead horse for 3 years! Leave her alone now. Geeezzz

and thats it.. simple

no matter what you do.. she will never be who you want her to be.. stop waisting your time. and use it to better your self and find someone eles who is looking for the same things you are..

and dont give me that crap about she is the only one.. BahH!
not true.. you have no idea who is out there.

stop getting stuck in your little world.. and your narrow view of your girls.
get out there and live
and stop with wanting something you can't have

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Look, I don't want to start a battle but I need to add this. I believe she doesn't want to be in a relationship. NOW! But I do believe I will be hurt again when she does contact me again on the regular. I don't thnk she can totally break it off either. I didn't put this in before but last week we had a real bad day. To make a long story short and get to the point she Over Dosed and died in my arms for a short period. Up to this point I really believed I wanted to move on. But holding her dead in my arms I think made me realize I don't want to be with her and I can't even begin to explain the other emotions I felt at this time I just new I loved her and wanted her back so bad. Maybe if she didn't O.D. I would have gone through with finally accepting this for the last time and moved on I don't know. Ive lost everyone I have ever cared about mom, dad, brother.. and almost losing her was something I don't want. Sorry if I left this out but I didn't want to write a post to long that know one would read it and give advice.

Wow... I'm in kind of a similar situation... I've been with a girl for almost 2 years, and we are engaged now... but she is telling me now she doesn't know if the married life is for her or not... whether she can do it... because she is not the type to settle down and have kids... she wants her career and freedom and stuff... so I'm stuck, because I'm engaged to her!

Asked her why she agreed to marry me in the first place and she said she thought she could do it, but now she doesn't know, and she has been breaking up with me just about every week, and then coming back and apologizing.

I'm at the end of my rope too. I don't know what to do with her. Part of me tells me to let her go and break off the engagement and find a girl who really wants to be with my properly, but part of me tells me she is a great girl and we get along so well together and I doubt I could find another girl I could really be myself with. So I'm as stuck as you man...

To let her go...
Or not to let her go...

That is the question... :(

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Originally Posted by BlackVY

Wow... I'm in kind of a similar situation... I've been with a girl for almost 2 years, and we are engaged now... but she is telling me now she doesn't know if the married life is for her or not... whether she can do it... coz she is not the type to settle down and have kids... she wants her career and freedom and stuff... so I'm stuck, coz I'm engaged to her!

Asked her why she agreed to marry me in the first place and she said she thought she could do it, but now she doesn't know, and she has been breaking up with me just about every week, and then coming back and apologizing.

I'm at the end of my rope too. I don't know what to do with her. Part of me tells me to let her go and break off the engagement and find a girl who really wants to be with my properly, but part of me tells me she is a great girl and we get along so well together and I doubt I could find another girl I could really be myself with. So I'm as stuck as you man...

To let her go...
Or not to let her go...

That is the question... :(

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Maybe You can relate to this. Do you just feel at times that yea there's plenty of other fish in the sea, but your comfortable with the one you have and just figureing out what needs to be done to correct the issue between you two will always be easier then trying to replace her?

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Originally Posted by pauly7

Maybe You can relate to this. Do you just feel at times that yea theres plenty of other fish in the sea, but your comfortable with the one you have and just figureing out what needs to be done to correct the issue between you two will always be easier then trying to replace her?

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I feel like that exactly... I think to myself yeah, things are so great here except for a few things, and if we worked those things out, things would be perfect...

I feel that's better than breaking up and finding someone new, trying to get used to them, then after a while finding out there are new problems that arise that you wouldn't have had before.

This is so confusing. I get so sick of the roller coaster and the emotional heartache they put us through with each break up and the "hope" they give us when they come back... can't that it much more...

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Originally Posted by BlackVY

I feel like that exactly... I think to myself yeah, things are so great here except for a few things, and if we worked those things out, things would be perfect...

I feel thats better than breaking up and finding someone new, trying to get used to them, then after a while finding out there are new problems that arise that you wouldn't have had before.

This is so confusing. I get so sick of the roller coaster and the emotional heartache they put us through with each break up and the "hope" they give us when they come back... can't that it much more...

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Yea, and I think also how well we know this girl. I'm not that young but not that old either. I have been around for a minute or two. To think how long its been since it took for me to find this one, she completes so much of my perfect girl. To think "Okay yea ill just move on" and to expect I'll find another as good as her or better anytime soon is just retarded. Why this is so hard. I know, I just know she will start calling me again to hang and chill. I just know ill give in again even if I do get over her and accept she wants to move on and what ever else she has going on in her head. She is just to hard to deal with when were enemys like this, but when were on the same team we see each others points so perfectly.

What do we do??

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Originally Posted by pauly7

Yea, and I think also how well we know this girl. I'm not that young but not that old either. I have been around for a minute or two. To think how long its been since it took for me to find this one, she completes so much of my perfect girl. To think "Okay yea ill just move on" and to expect i'll find another as good as her or better anytime soon is just retarded. Why this is so hard. I know, I just know she will start calling me again to hang and chill. I just knwo ill give in again even if I do get over her and accept she wants to move on and what ever else she has going on in her head. She is just to hard to deal with when were enemys like this, but when were on the same team we see each others points so perfectly.

What do we do??????

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I understand... its so hard to think that maybe, just maybe there is someone else for us out there... but that's a risk, and a very big risk at that. If we don't give in, we may lose them forever, and if there is no one else out there for us, and if they were really the one, then we have lost our chance at happiness because we didn't stick it out and hang in there. It is hard with what they put us through and what they say.

It is a lot easier for people to tell us what to do from the outside, but we actually have the emotions going on here, and if they were in our situation, they may not even take their own advice.

With my girl, check this out... she told me its over and to get lost at 11.30am... and I just said "Sure... anything you say... Goodbye"... and then she sent a few little messages saying she was such an idiot for being with me and stuff, which I ignored, then now, at about 2.30pm, she messages me and tells me she is sorry and she doesn't want to hurt me, and she is sorry she did, she is just struggling with things right now, but do I want her back.

Being the SAP that I am... I said yes, but truth is, I do want to be with her, more than anything, but the problems are still there and they need to be worked out. If she is willing to stick around to work them out, then I'm all for it and will do anything I can to sort things out, but if she is going to bug out each time things get hard, then I shouldn't be with her, because life ain't easy and you want to know your partner is going to be with you all the way, no matter what.

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Originally Posted by BlackVY

I understand... its so hard to think that maybe, just maybe there is someone else for us out there... but thats a risk, and a very big risk at that. If we don't give in, we may lose them forever, and if there is no1 else out there for us, and if they were really the one, then we have lost our chance at happiness coz we didn't stick it out and hang in there. It is hard with what they put us through and what they say.

It is alot easier for people to tell us what to do from the outside, but we actually have the emotions going on here, and if they were in our situation, they may not even take their own advice.

With my girl, check this out... she told me its over and to get lost at 11.30am... and I just said "Sure... anything you say... Goodbye"... and then she sent a few little msgs saying she was such an idiot for being with me and stuff, which I ignored, then now, at about 2.30pm, she msgs me and tells me she is sorry and she doesn't wanna hurt me, and she is sorry she did, she is just struggling with things right now, but do I want her back.

Being the SAP that I am... I said yes, but truth is, I do want to be with her, more than anything, but the problems are still there and they need to be worked out. If she is willing to stick around to work them out, then I'm all for it and will do anything I can to sort things out, but if she is gonna bug out each time things get hard, then I shouldn't be with her, coz life ain't easy and you want to know your partner is gonna be with you all the way, no matter what.

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It seems like you girl changes her mind fast though. Plus it seems like she realizes the mistake right after its made. Mine will tell me she's letting me go for my own good, "yea like im going to feel so much better with out her" but anyway she says the cliché things like "its nto you its me" "you can do better then me". I never have been able to pull her back in and make any good progress after she's back. The first few break ups she would say " I love you" " I want to work it out". Now its just like we just start chilling again, and I don't dear say so were togther again, cause the whole commitment thing seems to make her run off again. Instead I just accept she wants to be with me instead without. Now she only gets real emotional and express feelings when she drinks or does some other type of mind altering substance. I was told by a professional that she most likely says these stuff under the influence because her protective walls are down at this time and she's more able to express the feelings she wants to run from when she's sober. It sucks she takes some hardcore prescribed meds and so do I. I just hate feeling like I need to give my girlfriend some drugs that would be classified as date rape drugs (which at times she asks for I don't slip them to her) just to get her to open up to me. I need to break away from her I just know I do. She my hole world right now and I just don't want to be so lonely.

Wow... I see your problem. Its hard when the person has built walls up around themselves and it takes external forces to break down the walls, even for a while.

It does seem like you need to break away, because I know the kind of pain you are going through over and over and over again. Its like a never ending cycle, but you know you must break out of it.

The usual advice is always there... like find a hobby, go out, have some fun, get to know yourself better, hang out with friends, do things for yourself and just be happy that way. It's a good idea, but putting it into practice when you lose, as you say, your whole world, that's the hard part.

What I say is think about it, and talk to this girl straight up. Let her know this is how you feel, and if she ain't going to be with you properly, then its best you move on. Being friends ain't going to make the situation better for either of you and you need to find yourself girl and be on your own for a while, then true love will find you. Good luck bro...

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Originally Posted by BlackVY

Wow... I see your problem. Its hard when the person has built walls up around themselves and it takes external forces to break down the walls, even for a while.

It does seem like you need to break away, coz I know the kinda pain you are going through over and over and over again. Its like a never ending cycle, but you know you must break out of it.

The usual advice is always there... like find a hobby, go out, have some fun, get to know yourself better, hang out with friends, do things for yourself and just be happy that way. Its a good idea, but putting it into practice when you lose, as you say, your whole world, thats the hard part.

What I say is think about it, and talk to this girl straight up. Let her know this is how you feel, and if she ain't gonna be with u properly, then its best ya'll move on. Being friends ain't gonna make the situation better for either of you and you need to find yourself girl and be on your own for a while, then true love will find you. Good luck bro...

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Thanks' I pretty much new this is the correct path since day one of the first break up 2 and 1/2 years ago. I just never want to accept it. We arranged something already to speak Saturday about stuff in person. Im going to man up and finally show her she has 2 options work it out once and for all. Or lose the best thing she's ever had. (not trying to be conceded). Good luck with your girl to.. I will say this with every bit of sincerity, I really do hope your stuff works out in your favor. I know how important it is. Peace..

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Originally Posted by pauly7

Thanks' I pretty much new this is the correct path since day one of the first break up 2 and 1/2 years ago. I just never want to accept it. We aranged something already to speak saturday about stuff in person. Im going to man up and finally show her she has 2 options work it out once and for all. Or lose the best thing shes ever had. (not trying to be conceded). Good luck with your girl to.. I will say this with every bit of sincerity, I really do hope your stuff works out in your favor. I know how important it is. Peace..

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Great plan. The ultimatum usually doesn't work, but if she loves you enough, she will want to make it work and do anything she can to make it work. You seem like a great guy, and she would be losing out on a lot if she doesn't choose to be with you, but for your sake and hers, I hope she makes the right choice. Thanks for your kind words, and I hope everything works out for you too. Peace

Ok paul..

So you got a girl that does not want to have a real relationship

And she ODs on you.. and!
She only express feelings when she drinks or does some other type of mind altering substance


WELL F@** ME!

She sure sounds like the perfect catch!


WoW you really want to waist your life on this person??

Looks like you're the typ of person that likes banging his head on that hard... hard wall.

Keep at it..

Enjoy your mess
Classified as date rape drugs (which at times she asks for I don't slip them to her) just to get her to open up to me


( You can only get her true feelings if she is HIGH or Drunk.. Duuuude LoL.. you are so far out of your mind.. its... well your in ORBIT! what typ of sick twised relationship do you guys have.. I mean how old are you guys 18 20? damn.
looks like you both need real help.. your both as bad as one another.. how weak can you get.

My experience tells me you will keep riding that rollercoaster until you get sick of it, and want to make a change. You must not be ready for a change, or ready for the hard work that will bring that change, so enjoy your misery.

You can love a person who is good but not good for you.

Unfortunately, I did this twice in my lifetime. Fortunately, I eventually found my wife because I wouldn't settle for less.

You cannot save anyone. It is not your calling. Not your responsibility.

There are a few billion people on this earth. Am I the only one who could make my wife happy? no.

So why cling onto the comfort of a failing and failed relationship?

I know... its not that easy or simple to just walk away. Took me two years of noise with my first big love (6+ years together) to finally say "im done"... it happens.

But really... the best thing to do for yourself?? Draw back hard. If she isn't willing to chase you down with deliberate intent, well, that says it all.

A successful marriage doesn't need perfect overlap in all areas... but it does require more common ground than not... and in this case it would seem you are more available and more action oriented than your mate.

Too bad for her. She doesn't deserve what she's had, and doesn't have half a clue about what to do when you decide to move on.

Again... I've loved two wonderful women I couldn't be with. Bad overlap. I think you might be in the same place.

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Originally Posted by TrueFaith

Ok paul..

So you got a girl that does not want to have a real relationship

and she ODs on you.. and!!
She only express feelings when she drinks or does some other type of mind altering substance


WELL F@** ME!!

she sure sounds like the perfect catch!


WoW you really want to waist your life on this person???

Looks like your the typ of person that likes banging his head on that hard... hard wall.

Keep at it..

Enjoy your mess
classified as date rape drugs (which at times she asks for I dont slip them to her) just to get her to open up to me


( You can only get her true feelings if she is HIGH or Drunk.. Duuuude LoL.. you are so far out of your mind.. its... well your in ORBIT! what typ of sick twised relationship do you guys have.. I mean how old are you guys 18 20? damn.
looks like you both need real help.. your both as bad as one another.. how weak can you get.

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I can definitely see where your coming from. From what your reading, if I read this I may think the same thing. But there's just know way I can explain everything on here in just a few paragraphs. Not even long essay could explain everything Ive been through. With her and what's brought us to this point. You need to be able to understand what people are saying and fill in the blanks on your own, your very judgemental and don't know the hole story, nor ask to know. Its almost like you get off on other misery and blast them out over it. I'm just trying to be honest on what going on now. This was obviously never how it started. Its just what everythings lead to, there are very many reasons I have for trying to make it work. And there's not enough time or space on here to list them like I said. I'm just staying current within the past 6 months. And no I'm not 18-20. Your way, way off on that. I do appreciate you input and your basically right with how things are now. They are messed up and we are messed up. But we both were never like this. I think our problems have lead us both to wrong one another out of love or co-dependancy or both or other stuff we both need help, we both need something and this is a hard area for me to try to explain everything. I would try again if I knew she would too, but I don't think she will so I will take another approach on this. I posted yesterday because I have no one to ask for advice I have no friends or family. I have her and to lose that means lose everything. Its easier said then done man. Obviously I am sensible enough to ask for advice for a situation that I can tell is out of hand and I'm on the fence on what to do from the trauma I've been through over it. Maybe you can be a little more respectfull to people who need help. Your acting just like the problem that I'm posting about on here. How will anyone ever get anything out of what you have to say if your acting like the enemy they are asking about?? Thank you anyway for your guidance I'm sure you mean well.

If you both need help then get it as individuals, as that is the best way to deal with your own demons, and she has some for sure, that you can't help with.

That's a fact, and correct me if I'm wrong, but you have issues she can't help you with.

You mention co-dependency, that's a good word, and great reason to leave her alone and let her get her own act together, while you do the same.

You think this won't get worse? From what you have written, its already bad, and getting worse.

Getting back together, no matter the history, is not healthy for either of you.