I've lived a long time and had many experiences but this one is driving me crazy. In my younger days I've had bedded straight married men and didn't find it satisfying because I was in it for love and they were in it for sex. That was 25 years ago, now here I am 25 years older and wiser and find myself helplessly in love with my ex-boss who is 2 years younger than me. I've changed jobs but we still keep in touch by phone and we even went out to dinner once. I've written him this long letter telling him even though we no longer work together I still wanted to be his friend. He's not stupid and I am quite sure he read between the lines. He have to know I was practically telling him that I'm in love with him. What am I asking? No. 1, he's married and I've met his wife.
no. 2. I've met his mother
no. 3, he knows I'm gay
no. 4 we talk about everything under the sun except our relationship. I know he flirts with me .
Ie: I gave him a compliment and he responded with: Flattery will get you a big one. (?? )
Should I throw caution to the wind and just laid it on the line or just enjoy the flirts and be his friend? I can't shake this feeling. We've worked together for 5 years and been talking and seeing each for the past year since I've left our mutual job.

You need to stop contact with this man.. he is married and straight therefore he is off limits

You have no right to go in and screw up a marriage just because you have feelings for someone.. you need to be grown up about this and stop talking to him, because it seems to me that the more you see him the more you want him (how it is with everyone in love)

You will find the right person for you but this guy clearly isn't the one.. stay away

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Originally Posted by plonak

You need to stop contact with this man.. he is married and straight therefore he is off limits

You have no right to go in and screw up a marriage just because you have feelings for someone.. you need to be grown up about this and stop talking to him, becasue it seems to me that the more you see him the more you want him (how it is with everyone in love)

You will find the right person for you but this guy clearly isn't the one.. stay away

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Easier said than done. What do I say when I just stop talking to him when he calls me and ask me out? He's going to want to know why? And what do I say, I love you and I need to stay away from you? Then it brings up risk taking for me. Do I be a man about it taking that risk and take the consequences that comes with it? Besides, it takes two to tangle, I have no power to screw up his marriage that is all up to him.

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Originally Posted by bigguy225

Easier said than done. What do I say when I just stop talking to him when he calls me and ask me out? He's going to want to know why? And what do I say, I love you and I need to stay away from you? Then it brings up risk taking for me. Do I be a man about it taking that risk and take the consequences that comes with it? Besides, it takes two to tangle, I have no power to screw up his marriage that is all up to him.

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Does he know you like him? Even if you are a woman he is still an off limits, He's is married.

There are a lot of things that feels good as of the moment but we know that we're not doing ourselves (and other people) a favor in the end.

Just politely avoid his calls. If he calls don't answer it. He you bumped into each other by accident, make alibi. If he asks why, no need for an answer. You got no obligation to explain.

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Originally Posted by ylaira

Does he know you like him? Even if you are a woman he is still an off limits, He's is married.

There are a lot of things that feels good as of the moment but we know that we're not doing ourselves (and other people) a favor in the end.

Just politely avoid his calls. If he calls don't answer it. He you bumped into each other by accident, make alibi. If he asks why, no need for an answer. You got no obligation to explain.

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I'm in agreement with the respond I've gotten, I am a firm believer that if you mess with a married man and he leaves his wife for you then the same will happen to you, I've seen it happen too many times to my straight women friends who thought it was cool to fool around with a married man and grant I do have some feelings that the rules don't pertain to me because I am a man, however, I have to talk to this man because of proffessional reasons and can't just end the relationship or it'll be suicide for my job, I have no intendsions of taking it any further because I'm a romanticist and loving someone with bagage isn't fun... I just needed to think this out somewhere, I can't tell anyone at work because I think people who know both of us knows I like him because I'm always defending him when they bad-mouth him. I want to thank you both for your comments

I'm a formally married gay man (there are quite a few of us out there) and I have to wonder if this fellow you are so taken away by isn't possibly gay himself. Does he flirt with you? Any reason to think he's interested in more than just being friends? Even though he's married I'd still go for him myself if I felt they way you do. Maybe he needs someone to love before leaving his wife.

I say he's either gay or he's straight. If straight, you should move on and forget it. Find someone available (like me :-)); if he's gay he's in a bad relationship as it is being married to a woman.

He is off limits I'm sorry he is married

And that means something.

I wish you luck in finding another

MESS WITH A MARRIED MAN, AND YOU RISK BEING MESSED OVER.

What part of being his side distraction are you missing? Don't let love blind you to the simple fact that, he ain't leaving home, for what your offering.

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Originally Posted by cadillac59

I'm a formally married gay man (there are quite a few of us out there) and I have to wonder if this fellow you are so taken away by isn't possibly gay himself. Does he flirt with you? Any reason to think he's interested in more than just being friends? Even though he's married I'd still go for him myself if I felt they way you do. Maybe he needs someone to love before leaving his wife.

I say he's either gay or he's straight. If straight, you should move on and forget it. Find someone available (like me :-)); if he's gay he's in a bad relationship as it is being married to a woman.

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It's funny you asked that question. When I first set eyes on him 8 years ago my first impression was "he's gay", then I found out that he was married and then I went to a retirement party knowing he will be there with his wife. Well, he came alone and I found out through the grapevine that he always alone without the wife when it came to office outings, also, rumor had it that he was having an affair with another woman employee. When I first set eyes on her my first impression was "Fag Hag". the two of them were always together in the office, the other women would talk about them saying "she should leave him alone, he's married", then he became my boss and this is where the flirting started. He would make innuendos about him not giving his wife the "big one" and I've never asked him what he met by that. He knew I was gay because I made two feature films with drag queens actors of which he showed to his wife. I got a gift from him every Christmas and on my birthday. These gifts were always clothes or DVDs with gay characters. One Valentine day he told me that he was sad because I didn't give him flowers and candy. So you tell me... is he gay or straight?

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Originally Posted by bigguy225

It's funny you asked that question. When I first set eyes on him 8 years ago my first impression was "he's gay", then I found out that he was married and then I went to a retirement party knowing he will be there with his wife. Well, he came alone and I found out through the grapevine that he always alone without the wife when it came to office outings, also, rumor had it that he was having an affair with another woman employee. When I first set eyes on her my first impression was "Fag Hag"., the two of them were always together in the office, the other women would talk about them saying "she should leave him alone, he's married", then he became my boss and this is where the flirting started. He would make innuendos about him not giving his wife the "big one" and I've never asked him what he met by that. He knew I was gay because I made two feature films with drag queens actors of which he showed to his wife. I got a gift from him every Christmas and on my birthday. These gifts were always clothes or DVDs with gay characters. One Valentine day he told me that he was sad because I didn't give him flowers and candy. So you tell me... is he gay or straight?

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Well, he's definitely flirting with you if he's said those sorts of things. I don't know, but I really don't think a straight guy would say those things. And, the fact that he's married doesn't mean all that much as far as I'm concerned. A friend of mine told me that 25% of gay men were formally married (to women of course). I will say it means he may not be gay, but it is far from iron-clad proof he's straight. Gosh, look at me! I used to me married and I have kids and I'm as gay as gay can be.

I know everyone's going to be rolling their eyes when they read this, but I had a crush on my plastic surgeon recently (I went to him to have those dermal filler injections to soften the laugh lines in my face- that stuff works really well by the way- okay I'm a little vain) and I was surpised that this guy made such an impression on me since he's a year older than I am. I was definitely getting the gay vibe from him but I too was a little confused. He was married and divorced twice but had no kids (that made me presume he was't gay). He asked if I had ever been married and I told him once and divorced and then quickly changed the subject. I was dying for him to ask me out but then I ran out of reasons to keep going back to him! I didn't know what to do and I thought I let him get away... now I feel I missed an opportunity. Oh well.

If I were you I'd go for it. He's probably just a married gay guy. Come on a little stronger and see what happens.

Listen guys.. Honestly


You have to stop blinding yourselves..

You are letting your EMOTIONS and HOPES blind you.
You want him to be gay.

Its like when a guy likes a girl.. and they go.. Oh yeah she likes me for SURE because she is being nice to me..
When all the girl is doing.. is just being NICE simple as that. We all make up crap in our heads to fit our own reality

You are seeing things that are not there.

He is Married.. Don't Go for it.
Even if he is married for whatever reason

Gay or sick.. It is his reasons and they have nothing to do with you.

Respect that.

Don't be selfish

As for you cad. You mind not telling people to go and break up a marriage?
I mean.. who are you to even say something like that..

LIke I said before they are His reasons.. and no one has any right to get in the middle of that.. not even you
I'm sorry you let that person get away but shuch is life.
There are some things that just can't happen in this world no matter how much we want it

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Originally Posted by cadillac59

Well, he's definitely flirting with you if he's said those sorts of things. I don't know, but I really don't think a straight guy would say those things. And, the fact that he's married doesn't mean all that much as far as I'm concerned. A friend of mine told me that 25% of gay men were formally married (to women of course). I will say it means he may not be gay, but it is far from iron-clad proof he's straight. Gosh, look at me! I used to me married and I have kids and I'm as gay as gay can be.

I know everyone's going to be rolling their eyes when they read this, but I had a crush on my plastic surgeon recently (I went to him to have those dermal filler injections to soften the laugh lines in my face- that stuff works really well by the way- okay I'm a little vain) and I was surpised that this guy made such an impression on me since he's a year older than I am. I was definitely getting the gay vibe from him but I too was a little confused. He was married and divorced twice but had no kids (that made me presume he was't gay). He asked if I had ever been married and I told him once and divorced and then quickly changed the subject. I was dying for him to ask me out but then I ran out of reasons to keep going back to him! I didn't know what to do and I thought I let him get away...now I feel I missed an opportunity. Oh well.

If I were you I'd go for it. He's probably just a married gay guy. Come on a little stronger and see what happens.

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Well, I had to asked him a professional question today and he helped me out tremulously I don't know what I'll do with out his professional advice, (I now manage the depart on my new job that he manages now on my old job so professionally we help each other out). I took a chance and told him that I owe him a lunch and his reply was that we should get together for the holidays. To be Honest, my dilemma is that I like him a lot as a person and I don't want to lose his friendship, I think I rather have the friendship than the sex.. friends last forever, lovers come and go... and I've already decided to let him make that move. I live alone and he can always invite himself up which is interesting by the way. I just moved recently 10 miles from his house. I used to live 75 miles away and when I lived 75 miles away he would always joke about coming up to my place with his wife for dinner... all the things to make you go "Hmmmmmmm"

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Originally Posted by TrueFaith

Listen guys.. Honestly


You have to stop blinding your selfs..

you are letting your EMOTIONS and HOPES blind you.
You want him to be gay.

Its like when a guy likes a girl.. and they go.. Oh yeah she likes me for SURE because she is being nice to me..
when all the girl is doing.. is just being NICE simple as that. we all make up crap in our heads to fit our own reality

you are seeing things that are not there.

He is Married.. Dont Go for it.
even if he is married for whatever reason

gay or sick.. It is his reasons and they have nothing to do with you.

Respect that.

Dont be selfish

as for you cad. you mind not telling people to go and break up a marriage?
i mean.. who are you to even say something like that..

LIke i said before they are His reasons.. and no one has any right to get in the middle of that.. not even you
im sorry you let that person get away but shuch is life.
there are some things that just can't happen in this world no matter how much we want it

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I'm not trying to break up a marriage. If the guy is gay, there's only the semblance of a marriage anyway and it will never last. Gay men can never truly love straight women, not in the way a woman wants to be and should be loved, and those sorts of marriages are doomed to fail from the start. It's just a matter of time. Been there, done it. If the guy is straight, then there is no way a gay man will ever be a threat to the marriage anyway. Straight men simply do not fall in love with gay men and they are unlikely to try a little sex with another guy just to see what it's like. So you see, the situation is really quite different from than typical one where a straight husband is fooling around with a girl on the side or some girl is trying to seduce the straight husband. That's why I say the OP should give it a try. If the object of his attention is gay, then the gay guy's marriage is not a real marriage anyway and is doomed as it is. If the guy is straight, it's harmless attraction and nothing will ever come of it. Not trying to stereotype, but gay men really are very different than straight men.

As for me, well, I may go back to my plastic surgeon friend and ask about botox or something (he told me I didn't need it) just to see what happens. I always get him laughing about something (I think he thinks I'm very gay the way I act). I'm not giving up:)

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Originally Posted by bigguy225

Well, I had to asked him a professional question today and he helped me out tremulously I don't know what I'll do with out his professional advice, (I now manage the depart on my new job that he manages now on my old job so professionally we help each other out). I took a chance and told him that I owe him a lunch and his reply was that we should get together for the holidays. To be Honest, my dilemma is that I like him a lot as a person and I don't want to lose his friendship, I think I rather have the friendship than the sex.. friends last forever, lovers come and go...and I've already decided to let him make that move. I live alone and he can always invite himself up which is interesting by the way. I just moved recently 10 miles from his house. I used to live 75 miles away and when I lived 75 miles away he would always joke about coming up to my place with his wife for dinner....all the things to make you go "Hmmmmmmm"

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I think I'd make a lunch date with him and see how it goes. At the very least you can be friends. Plan on asking specific questions that might indicate he's gay or had same-sex relationships in the past. Ask about how things are going in his marriage, with his kids. You are only ten miles away, which is nothing. Give it a go.

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Originally Posted by cadillac59

I think I'd make a lunch date with him and see how it goes. At the very least you can be friends. Plan on asking specific questions that might indicate he's gay or had same-sex relationships in the past. Ask about how things are going in his marriage, with his kids. You are only ten miles away, which is nothing. Give it a go.

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I'm a punk when it comes to things like this. I heard through the grapevine that him and his wife were trying for years to have kids and finally gave up on it. (which I found very interesting, one can always adopt if they want kids that bad). Anyhow, I'm not stupid and he's not stupid so I know something is going on. We will see... :)

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Originally Posted by TrueFaith

Listen guys.. Honestly


You have to stop blinding your selfs..

you are letting your EMOTIONS and HOPES blind you.
You want him to be gay.

Its like when a guy likes a girl.. and they go.. Oh yeah she likes me for SURE because she is being nice to me..
when all the girl is doing.. is just being NICE simple as that. we all make up crap in our heads to fit our own reality

you are seeing things that are not there.

He is Married.. Dont Go for it.
even if he is married for whatever reason

gay or sick.. It is his reasons and they have nothing to do with you.

Respect that.

Dont be selfish

as for you cad. you mind not telling people to go and break up a marriage?
i mean.. who are you to even say something like that..

LIke i said before they are His reasons.. and no one has any right to get in the middle of that.. not even you
im sorry you let that person get away but shuch is life.
there are some things that just can't happen in this world no matter how much we want it

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You know, I've had the experience with a married man who said that he liked me so much that he would go to bed with me. I asked him what would his wife say? He replied that she would just think he's crazy because she knows that he loves her and he's not gay. Go Figure?? But I would like to clear up one thingt. No outside person can break up anyone's marriage. It's the marriage with the two people that has that power. Remember, it takes two to tangle and I'm not holding a gun to his head if he wants to fool around with me.

Its amazing how we can justify our actions by our feelings, instead of dealing with the feelings, and the facts.

In the first place you overlook the obvious, and that is he that may be gay, or bi, but if you've had sex with this married man, he is a cheater, and like most who deal with married people, you assume his marriage is going to end, and worse, he will be YOURS. Seldom that happens. Another thing that disturbing is, after everyone of reasonable common sense has said don't do it all, you hear and react to is some idiot who says to go for it any way. Simply amazing.

Whether you are gay, straight, bi, or tri, my advise is the same. Forget the long shots, and deal with your feelings in a positive way, and don't be second because your so called love is leading you down a dead end alley, simply put, a side show for a married guy, a booty call, when he feels like it.

Get someone who at least can work with you in a healthy, happy, relationship, and don't listen to someone who doesn't have that.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=3384773

You stated that you bedded straight married men 25 years ago and while you was in it for love they were in it for sex. Since then you grew wiser. So why repeat history?

You love this guy and what happens if he don't feel the same and if anything all you get is sex and nothing more.

It is obivous that you want want more than just sex but this guy is married and if anything you should just back off. You already should know this from the things you done in your younger years. What exactly did you learn?

You can't control who you like or even who you love but you do have something call self-control so you can control your actions.

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Originally Posted by liz28

You stated that you bedded straight married men 25 years ago and while you was in it for love they was in it for sex. Since then you grew wiser. So why repeat history?

You love this guy and what happens if he don't feel the same and if anything all you get is sex and nothing more.

It is obivous that you want want more than just sex but this guy is married and if anything you should just back off. You already should know this from the things you done in your younger years. What exactly did you learn?

You can't control who you like or even who you love but you do have something call self-control so you can control your actions.

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I resolved to be his friend which I cherish more than the sex, since lovers come and go and friendship last forever, thanks

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Originally Posted by bigguy225

I'm a punk when it comes to things like this. I heard through the grapevine that him and his wife were trying for years to have kids and finally gave up on it. (which I found very interesting, one can always adopt if they want kids that bad). Anyhow, I'm not stupid and he's not stupid so I know something is going on. We will see...:)

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Well, I still think there's nothing wrong with testing the waters. You mentioned some things that were interesting, like him asking you for a Valentine's Day card or something. That's doesn't sound like a straight guy talking.

Yeah, if it becomes sexual you have to face the fact that he probably won't leave his wife. You're the only one who stands to lose if that happens. If he's really straight nothing is probably going to happen anyway. I will be honest, even with some of my critics here, that you'd probably be better off looking for a nice available gay guy who's out of the closet and well-adjusted. That's the ideal. Or at least an unmarried guy you might be curious about (like my plastic surgeon, who I'm crazy about:)... I wish someone would give me an idea of how to ask him out or make some approach... he can't be straight, it will break my heart if he is).