This is the first time that I've really ever used a site like this but I've really got no where else to turn to without a fear that he might somehow find out about it. I'm seventeen and I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over a year. We are already planning on going to college together an finding an apartment to move in together too. I know that I'm going to be with him for a very long time and he means the world to me but I can't stand lying to him. I just recently confessed to him the "complete" relationship history of every guy I have ever done anything with (3). But he acts like I cheated on him and when I was telling him (because he asked) about my previous relationships (which never went beyond kissing) I felt this tremendous guilt and I saw that I was breaking his heart. I couldn't tell him anymore so I lied to him and I told him that they kissed me by surprise while I didn't see it coming. I also lied to him about the amount of times I had ever kissed someone (made out with one boyfriend ONCE) and I told him that I only kissed him twice. He was so hurt he wanted to know how long I had kissed him and if I kissed him back, or even if I liked it. Every time I had to lie again and again to protect him. But now every time I hang out with him I always feel a sharp pain of guilt even if it is just for a second I know that he thinks of it too because he continues to ask me again and again if I left anything out. I've lied to him so many times and I even played the "I can't believe you don't trust me" card. I feel like I am in this too deep to dig out or if he can ever trust me again. This is the only thing that I have ever lied about to him but it keeps on coming up. I just recently came out and confessed that I was depressed and partially suicidal when he met me because of something that happened in my childhood but I know he still is upset with me that I let myself do things with people that I didn't really like because I was numb. I need advice. Should I tell him now right after our trust fight or should I wait a couple years when I can show him that I can be trusted? Or god I don't know. Please Please, I need help.

This boy is very controlling. Remember there's more than one way to skin a cat... I think for your sake you should tell him, honesty is paramount in a relationship.. easier said than done though.

Best of luck :D

You are way over thinking this relationship thing. Relationships are supposed to be fun, and this thing is not fun.

Furthermore, this guy is a tool. You lied, which I don't approve of, but you came clean. The only thing he is gaining now is a larger ego by giving you a constant guilt trip. How exactly is putting you down and making you question yourself and relationship a sign of a man who is concerned with a healthy relationship as a whole?

Thanks so much for your help guys! I know that he comes off as kind of controlling and he has apologized many times for even caring about it, but he says that he can't help it and that it drives him crazy. I did come clean, but only half way. I told him bits and pieces more about what actually happened and he was crushed. Now I am afraid to tell him part II without losing his trust forever. I wish that I just said it all out loud to begin with but I can't go back. Should I tell him still?

I'm just going to say straighten him out quick or get ready for a very controlling and jealous boyfriend for the rest of your relationship.

Tell him the truth I guess cause you don't want to live your relationship as a lie... my ex hid something from me and when I found out it was over between the both of us

Ya... and the rest of your life by the way your talking!. relationships are mostly going to end. Period. Not that you should be a pessimist but this isn't the be all and end of all of life that you seem to think it is.

He also has no idea that there even is a part II and I have been working on rebuilding trust so I've pretty much been lying to him all along. I love him so much and I was hoping that I could just get over it and forget about it but I know that it is the only thing that could be making me THIS physically ill. Should I still tell him part II? It would go something like this..
"I know that I've told you that i only kissed *&%& twice when i felt pressured into it, but i actually made out with him once willingly because i felt pressure from my friends. I'm sorry....." That's all that I've got to say but I know he won't take it well and he has already warned me that if he finds out that I lied to him again that he doesn't even know if we can establish a trust again. Is it worth it to take a chance telling him? At the same time I don't know how long I can suffer and deal with lying to him again and again.

He is definitely the one with a problem and that's now becoming your problem.

Sit him down and tell him the truth and then tell him its in the past and it was before you met , therefore means nothing ,everyone has a past.

Then tell him you are with him now , and that's who you want to be with , and if he can't except it then there is a chance HE will ruin what you have.

Good Luck!

He's not threatening it in a controlling manner in any way though, he is just worried that he is going to be hurt

He's just jealous, yes he is very controlling, but its natural to hear stories about a loved ones previous encounters with their partners. He is over reacting, but again, it's natural.
But feeding him the truth one piece at a time isn't the way to go, Because when you know that there are no pieces left, he will think there is, and other thoughts will come through like "If she said she only did this but did that what ELSE could she have done."
You need to come clean right away about what really happened, even though to you or me it might not seem that serous, every little thing can impact a loved one differently. And most of all it's to help yourself, whatever you think will make YOU happy, do it.

And just a side note: For you're future plans, take it slow. Yeah it's great to talk about it and plan for it, but you don't want to schedule a relationship when both of you are so young. Trust me that's what happened to me. Just take things slow, both of you still have to grow so much. Love life, and live love, but be yourselves, and don't map out your futures together, just let it happen, because if it doesn't happen the way you plan, it will hurt just that much more. This is all just my opinion, as it's from my own experience. And maybe what happened to me was unique.

As long as you two are happy, go with it!

I agree completely with cowboy.. tell him it all tell him why you kept it from him and how it has hurt you to do it. If he can't accept the truth that's his own problem.


Also I have had controlling boyfriends and this needs to be stopped as early as possible it does not get better. Just because he's not physically aggressive doesn't mean he's not possessive and controlling. Just be careful and remember you're the only one who will look after you 100% of the time... unless your VERY VERY VERY lucky :D

I think you should just tell the truth, believe me, if you do it now and give him some space,if he loves you he will still want to be with you, don't wait any longer or years because it will make things a million times worst, trust me.

You cannot have your past held against you. This is going on for far too long, you had previous relationships before him, what matters is that you are with him now. If you need an example of how immature this is, use me as an example to him. I am currently engaged to a women who has 2 kids by another guy who used to be her husband. It doesn't make me look at her any less, or love her any less. I love her for who she is today and has been throughout our dating.

It's a big red flag when you CAN'T be honest with your partner.

He has some issues, and some baggage to unpack, and you can't help him. Save yourself some misery, pain, and drama, and see the reality of this situation.

HE CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH, so don't waste any more time with him, as it just isn't healthy.

You aren't going to like my advice, but I have no agenda against you or him. I just have perspective and experience.

I would first BEG you to not plan you college life around another person. Young love is often intense, all encompassing, bigger than life. And also limited. Restricting. Not timeless.

That you cannot be open and honest with him without feeling like you are hurting him is not good. Why the hell should you feel bad for living your life before him? You should not. Period.

Period.

Stop trying to manage the relationship with damage control. If you honestly believe you love him and he loves you, then take that step. Be completely you. All you. If its too much for him... its not right. Period.

I know... its not that easy. As a person whose first big love was through HS, then college, I understand how important it can be to "run the relationship" right... unfortunately, its completely the WRONG way to finding happiness.

no... my wife doesn't know every steamy detail of my sex life. She doesn't know all there is about every past lover. But she knows enough about who I am and where I've been to make a reasonable judgement if we are a good fit.

So... stop it. Stop managing him. He is in charge of him. If he cannot handle the truth... if he cannot deal with reality... how the hell can he be with you and have it really be you??

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Don't lie. Don't manage. Don't deny yourself openness and honesty.

Seriously... you can love him and he can love you and it still doesn't mean its right long term. In the meantime you MUST start living your life genuinely... openly... without fear... only then can you trust that you are with a person who loves you.

Not the "you" that you project... but the "you" that you are.

Strokes stop defeding him..

You have no idea what this guy will be like.. trust us we know.

You are only 17 OK.. and with all due respect you have never been in a relationship.. a real one of that.

And it is very easy. For people to control your feelings and make you feel that it is all your fault and people are doing it only out of not getting hurt..

Well in him not wanting to hurt himself he is hurting you..


You lied.. Yeah OK I'm not a fan of it.. but it him making you feel like yo cheated on him.
Is a big sign of emotion control..

Do you understand.. Emotional Control

And you defending him. Is a sign that you have no will power of your own and he is already making you feel less than what you are..

So first of all.. stop saying coming to his rescue.. and start reading the advice that is given to you..

1 stop feeling guilty

2 tell your boyfriend enough is enough.. what happened in the past stays in the past and if you can't see what's ahead due to the past.. then I am waisting my time.


We all have a past.. its what we do now that counts.

I have the same problem, it's killing me, but my boyfriend is so torn up about it it makes it even worse and he says the only way he can be okay is if he ignores it, but if he's ignoring it, one day it's bound to bother him again. This is tearing me apart. :(

He shouldn't be hurt about something that was so long ago. My boyfriend and I have a whole crazy history, that's way too long to explain. He was my first kiss. But I was his second, and yea, sometimes it hurts to think about, but then I remember that he hates her now, and she had his past, but I'll have his future. You need to explain that to your boyfriend. That the past is the past and that it doesn't matter, you obviously love him so tell him that he's your future, and he's the only one that matters, then tell him the truth. If he really loves you, then he might be a little hurt, but he won't go crazy. Not sure if this helps much, but I did what I could.And also, even if he is hurt he'll get over it within a few days. I guarantee it. =)