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Originally Posted by xxMystical

This may sound really egotistical, but I've always considered myself more mature than most people my age, or even people a few years older than me. It's just how I am, and how I handle things.

I'm sixteen.

In your honest opinion, how old is too old for a girl who is 16 to date? I thought of this question after I discovered the real age of the guy I like (he's 23). He works with me, and I assumed he was somewhere around 18. I started to like him, not knowing his real age.

And now I know.

I'm just curious to hear what you think. I've asked others, and some see a problem, some don't.

In all reality, I know I have a small chance at him, regardless of age. I doubt he even notices me, other than the time when I asked him how many people were in a particular section of our haunted house (where we work). Plus, I think he's interested in someone else. I know I shouldn't sell myself short, but I have no chance next to her.

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I find interest in this because I am 15 and the guy I am interested in is 21. I've been told I am more mature for my age I have nearly nothing in common with my age group other than I attend school with them... l. I have a lot of college friends. I am friends with him and a few of his friends one of them is my best friend she's 21. I have never really ever "liked" guys in a boy friend kind of way before well there's been one he was my age he went to the church I went to but we had nothing else in common and it was just me trying to like some one. This man he not only shares my faith witch is most important he is a man of god and that's what got me not only that but we share a lot of the same interests and ambitions. I know this love is self less it's not self seeking so this I can say I love him I want what's best for him I don't care if I don't *date* him witch really would be courtship because I only want to date to get married. If it's gods will to marry him that would be sweet but if not god's got better plans. I also personally see no point in dating not yet. I love his friend ship

So any ways I think it's not age that matters but what the intentions are and the situation.

Normally, I would have removed this post because it responded to a thread over a year old. (see https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/teens/...ml#post1378463). However, I wanted to make some comments to the post so I moved it to its own thread.

If your circle of friends is, indeed, so much older then you may be in a different position then the usual 15 yr old. But I have to be skeptical about this. Your focus should be finishing school. If you circle is all people who have garduated high school (whether in college or not), you may have other development issues to deal with.

The second point was your statement; "I only want to date to get married". This doesn't make a lot of sense. The main purpose of dating is to evaluate someone in terms of being a life partner. If you only plan on dating someone you already know you want to marry, it defeats the purpose. That wouldn't be dating.

I also must disagree that age does not matter. Age matters less and less as people get older, But in the VAST majority of cases, age does indeed matter when the relationship is between a minor and an adult.

I could also make comments about free will but I'll leave that alone.

My tip, though. As I said you need to concentrate on school more. By 15 you should know that a witch is an old hag who may have magical powers. And that you use which when doing a comparison.

A man that is that much older than a 15/16 year old girl should not be attracted to you... my opinion.

Lets be really blunt here since you believe yourself to be mature. He is 21 and you are 15. 7 years does not really seem like a lot, but look at it this way, if you two have sex, he could go to jail for a very long time and be labeled for the rest of his life as a sex offender and have to register with the police wherever he goes. If the police get involved, you could be placed in a juvenile facility until you are 18. Or worse you could wind up pregnant and alone. When you are 21 and you choose to date someone 7 years older, go for it. But right now, no way!

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Originally Posted by ScottGem

Normally, I would have removed this post because it responded to a thread over a year old. (see https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/teens/...ml#post1378463). However, I wanted to make some comments to the post so I moved it to its own thread.

If your circle of friends is, indeed, so much older then you may be in a different position then the usual 15 yr old. But I have to be skeptical about this. Your focus should be finishing school. If you circle is all people who have garduated high school (whether in college or not), you may have other development issues to deal with.

The second point was your statement; "I only want to date to get married". This doesn't make a lot of sense. The main purpose of dating is to evaluate someone in terms of being a life partner. If you only plan on dating someone you already know you want to marry, it defeats the purpose. That wouldn't be dating.

I also must disagree that age does not matter. Age matters less and less as people get older, But in the VAST majority of cases, age does indeed matter when the relationship is between a minor and an adult.

I could also make comments about free will but I'll leave that alone.

My tip, though. As I said you need to concentrate on school more. By 15 you should know that a witch is an old hag who may have magical powers. And that you use which when doing a comparison.

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Agreed. I didn't explain what I wanted to say very well because I was on the verge of falling asleep last night and needed to go to bed. I do believe school is most important.

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Originally Posted by 450donn

Lets be really blunt here since you believe yourself to be mature. He is 21 and you are 15. 7 years does not really seem like a lot, but look at it this way, if you two have sex, he could go to jail for a very long time and be labeled for the rest of his life as a sex offender and have to register with the police wherever he goes. If the police get involved, you could be placed in a juvenile facility until you are 18. or worse you could wind up pregnant and alone. When you are 21 and you choose to date someone 7 years older, go for it. But right now, no way!

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I wouldn't date him now any ways. I am not really sure if date is the right word any ways expeically with how our culture is now. I am more interested in courtship. I don't even want to kiss any one until I marry them.

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Originally Posted by Inu1234

I wouldn't date him now any ways. I am not really sure if date is the right word any ways expeically with how our culture is now. I am more interested in courtship. I don't even want to kiss any one until I marry them.

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I don't know what culture you come from. But in most cultures that would be an rather unrealistic point of view.

I do not advocate promiscuity, but sexual compatibility IS part of a successful marriage. A marriage where the girl has never been kissed prior to the wedding is a good candidate for an unhappy one.

Scott,
Generally you give fairly level headed advise, but this time I think you missed the point.
No matter what culture she is from what she is saying is that she intende's to save herself and be a virgin when she marries. I personally think that is admirable and really smart considering all the unmarried girls/women who wind up pregnant. Not to mention the rampant STD situation in the world today because our current cultures say it is OK for sex with who ever and how ever you want. Judging from the questions on this forum it appears that there are many many sex related problems that likely would not be present if people only waited until marriage. Off the soap box now.

I agree that it is very admirable to remain a virgin until marriage. I have frequently said that no one should engage in sexual intercourse untikl they are prepared to have a child.

But being a virgin and never being kissed are different things. Physical intimacy is a part of a marriage. If physical compatibility is not determined prior to marriage, then there is a good possibility of that marriage being an unhappy one. On the other hand, I don't know if such a marriage would fail since a culture that strong would deem the bonds of matrimony unbreakable. But that also means that both may find themselves trapped in a marriage where physical intimacy is a chore and not the beautiful thing it can be between two people.

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Originally Posted by ScottGem

I agree that it is very admirable to remain a virgin until marriage. I have frequently said that no one should engage in sexual intercourse untikl they are prepared to have a child.

But being a virgin and never being kissed are different things. Physical intimacy is a part of a marriage. If physical compatability is not determined prior to marriage, then there is a good possibility of that mariage being an unhappy one. On the other hand, I don't know if such a marriage would fail since a culture that strong would deem the bonds of matrimony unbreakable. But that also means that both may find themselves trapped in a marriage where physical intimacy is a chore and not the beautiful thing it can be between two people.

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I am very different than how culture is at least here. It also depends on your definition of virgin I feel like I am only a virgin if there is no physical contact. How can sex be a chore if you have never experienced it before, you can't compare it to any thing else. Marriage to me isn't about the sex life. Most of your married life is spent together and most of that time isn't sex. Sex is an important aspect of marriage.

I believe culture has it wrong that you need to be sexually compatible. You should love the person you marry and by Love I mean not only that feeling of love but the choice the longing to put them first. There are many different kinds of love and for a good marriage you need all of them. You need to like/love each other, there needs to be attraction, you need to have emostional love for each other and you need to have unconditional love for each other. If you love this person you will do want they want sexually and they will do the same for you.

First the definition of virgin is never having penile insertion. There is no your definition or my definition there is THE definition.

I agree with much of what you said. But you are talking about idealistic fanatasy. If you have no experience with sex you cannot understand how sex can be good or bad and how bad sex can be a chore.

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Originally Posted by ScottGem

First the definition of virgin is never having penile insertion. There is no your definition or my definition there is THE defintion.

I agree with much of what you said. But you are talking about idealistic fanatasy. If you have no experience with sex you cannot understand how sex can be good or bad and how bad sex can be a chore.

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That may be the dictionary definition but virginity is about pureness.

Sex comes natural we will learn through experience it's not about who the person is but the relationship between the two. Sex is meant to only be between two people and never any one else. Sex might not be great the first time second or even for a year or longer but I know this, kissing some one before you marry them isn't going to tell you if sex will be good or bad.
You said before that how do you know if you are compatible if you never kiss them and how kissing and sex is different. Than how can you know from kissing.

My point is this, how much more sex will be if you know this is the person I am gonnna live with until death to us part. How much more will it be if you know you both have waited for each other. It's an act of love before you even know the person because even if you waited all that time for bad sex it's still together. Life isn't a about sex there is so much more to life.

Sorry but you are still talking idealistic fantasy. You have no experience to judge the reality of what you are saying. Its all fairy tales. Sometimes the fairly tale comes true, but most often it falls short of the mark.

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Originally Posted by ScottGem

Sorry but you are still talking idealistic fantasy. You have no experience to judge the reality of what you are saying. Its all fairy tales. Sometimes the fairly tale comes true, but most often it falls short of the mark.

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In reality you can not say that unless you have been married with never having kissed or had sex before hand and it turn out bad and than being re married to some one else after having some experience and even than you are only one case out of the whole world there fore not actual statics.

I do choose to believe that it's better mainly because of faith but also because of the relationships I have seen.

In all reality it's obeying god and in obeying god what more can there be :) The Joy I know so well becomes more as you obey and well that's my experience and I can this because of the difference in my life.


No one knows every thing we all know something. However we must work together in order to get the bigger picture.

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Originally Posted by Inu1234

we must work together in order to get the bigger picture.

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Exactly, so why do you refuse to see the bigger picture? Its because you would rather believe in the fantasy.

No, I am not only one case. I've spent a lot of time over more than 20 years on message boards like this one. Reading about people's experiences, talking with people as well has having my own experiences.

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Originally Posted by ScottGem

Exactly, so why do you refuse to see the bigger picture? its because you would rather believe in the fantasy.

No, I am not only one case. I've spent a lot of time over more than 20 years on message boards like this one. Reading about people's experiences, talking with people as well has having my own experiences.

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Okay but I must question this, you are only getting one side people don't go on these message boards to proclaim how great their marriage is however what you do get is the ones who have questions and concerns regarding their marriage. Yes maybe you do get people who are talking a about what works and what does not. I want to say this though we are at a point in society where divorse is rapid and what is culture in encouraging? Sex exploration, open ness , trying people on and searching for the right one. Lets put it this way no one is perfect you won't find that person. Its not about who but how. It's not a fantasy to say marriage will be better if I wait. It's not about the sex life again I said it's a way of showing love. Think about it you are saying you are allowed to have this part of my life that no one has ever had. It's a deeper meaning than sex it's self. However most people now a days and even before are not like this. Most men arent' gonnna want to wait they won't like my boundaries but for those few who do than how much more is it. Remember where I am coming from is not about the sex life but the marriage and not just relying on waiting but also how god plays into the marriage. I see it clearly in the bible of how marriage is to be and it makes perfect sense. There is more behind what I am saying if you wish to know just say it because I am not going to waste my time typing it out unless you want the whole story.

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Originally Posted by Inu1234

okay but I must question this, you are only getting one side people don't go on these message boards to proclaim how great their marriage is however what you do get is the ones who have questions and concerns regarding their marriage. yes maybe you do get people who are talking a bout what works and what does not.

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While you have a point that we often hear more from the failures than the successes, we do get both sides. As you point out, the divorce rate is skyhigh. People going into marriage without knowing what to expect is a frequent cause of divorce. But in your case, I would tend to doubt if, when you marry, divorce will be a result because your strong faith in your religion will not allow it. But that means you could find yourself stuck in a marriage that is not completely satisfying.

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Originally Posted by Inu1234

It's not a fantasy to say marriage will be better if I wait.

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Not its not, but it depends on the degree of waiting. If you never even kiss until the wedding, then I think it is a fantasy.

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Originally Posted by Inu1234

I see it clearly in the bible of how marriage is to be and it makes perfect sense.

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I won't argue with that, especially since it reinforces my point. You are looking at the ideals, what marriage is to be. But you are ignoring the realities of what groundwork is usually necessary.