My question is this... im troubled because I think my wife may be having an affair,why you ask well I'm not going to spend an hour typing what has taken place in the past but as far as my concerns go right now , say she gets home from work or places she may have been and we kiss and hold each other a little bit I have a tendency to reach down and rub her between her legs (what can I say I'm a horny guy)and periodically notice its very very wet is this reason for concern meaning is this a sign of her cheating.its hard to get her to have sex with me as much as I would like she tries to use the I'm tired act but I'm almost certain somthings going on.I tell her I what I feel is going on and she says I'm off base but I have caught her in the past and she just doesn't ever own up to the truth... ive also went as far as checking her panties and there were several times they were very coated with white flakey hers or someone else's stuff,I jumped her about it and she said it was just her natural bodily fluids,well surprise surprise I haven't noticed it since when I check her panties.I need some serious advice

Uh... Why is it odd that she gets wet when you start touching her between the legs (she might be a horny woman too!) I would think if she was cheating shed clean it up so to speak so as not to raise suspicion. What exactly did you catch her doing in the past? And what OTHER behaviours are leading you to think this? P.S. Vaginas can be naturally very wet or very dry from day to day, and constantly our vaginas are secreting mucus to cleanse bacteria and so forth out.

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Originally Posted by hannah_nicole

Uh... Why is it odd that she gets wet when you start touching her between the legs (she might be a horny woman too!) I would think if she was cheating shed clean it up so to speak so as not to raise suspicion. What exactly did you catch her doing in the past? And what OTHER behaviours are leading you to think this? P.S. Vaginas can be naturally very wet or very dry from day to day, and constantly our vaginas are secreting mucus to cleanse bacteria and so forth out.

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Uh... why,because it is a struggle to get her to have sex with me , so therefore I'm assuming she's wet not because I'm touching her but more so because someone else got through touching her.ive caught her with half a dozen different guys she works with in different situations. We have been together 14 years with the last incident 1 1/2 years ago
She moved out saying she needeed some space because I've harped and hounded her about being with other men saying I'm wrong and making things up,well I happened to listen to a phone conversation (she didn't know I was there) from her apartment saying some pretty explicit things to this head about what took place prior to her moving out and "needing some space".I maybe wrong here and that's why I asked this question but you have to admit it raises some concern

She wants to hug and smooch on a regular bases but I feel she wants sex from someone else

First, it may very well be natural body fluids. Even when I'm not aroused to begin with, if you cup me between the legs, my body DOES react.

As far as what's in her panties---that also could be completely natural. Womens' bodies do leak fluids of various consistancies at different times of the month.

Why are you still with this woman? You don't trust her, and your trust issues are probably pushing her further from you.

And let me tell you, any guy that got mad at me for having a natural body reaction, checked my panties for fluids, and listened in on my phone conversations sure as HELL would not be getting sex from me.

And if you've harped and hounded at her for as long as she says---well, that wouldn't exactly turn me on for sex either.

It's not an on/off switch, you know. It takes being able to relax and trust your partner for a woman to truly enjoy sex. If I were her, I'd be paranoid that every sound I made, every move I made, every little thing I enjoyed in bed would be misinterpreted by you as being a "sign" of cheating.

Either get marital counseling or get out of the marriage. Make your choice.

Frankly it sounds to me like you BOTH have issues, and they're the kinds of issues that are NOT going to get resolved without a counselor's help.

This is a pretty simple thing to determine. Hire a private investigator to follow her for a couple of weeks and then you will know. Is it possible you are simply the possessive type and she is tired of it? How about controlling? How about a poor lover in bed? See there are literally dozens of reasons she does not want sex with you!

I might want to throw a caviat into this. I agree with the private investigator thing... but she's already moved out. And as a result what goes on now might not be indicative of what was going on before.

I also agree that actions beget reactions and it escalates until one or the other gets fed up and leaves.

I don't think at this point it really matters if she did it or not. You don't trust her, and she has decided she doesn't want to be around. As was mentioned you both have issues. And unless you both are willing to own up to ALL of them and take the steps needed then you have to move on and learn from this experience and not do it again, or history will repeat itself.

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Originally Posted by Synnen

First, it may very well be natural body fluids. Even when I'm not aroused to begin with, if you cup me between the legs, my body DOES react.

As far as what's in her panties---that also could be completely natural. Womens' bodies do leak fluids of various consistancies at different times of the month.

Why are you still with this woman? You don't trust her, and your trust issues are probably pushing her further from you.

And let me tell you, any guy that got mad at me for having a natural body reaction, checked my panties for fluids, and listened in on my phone conversations sure as HELL would not be getting sex from me.

and if you've harped and hounded at her for as long as she says---well, that wouldn't exactly turn me on for sex either.

It's not an on/off switch, you know. It takes being able to relax and trust your partner for a woman to truly enjoy sex. If I were her, I'd be paranoid that every sound I made, every move I made, every little thing I enjoyed in bed would be misinterpreted by you as being a "sign" of cheating.

Either get marital counseling or get out of the marriage. Make your choice.

Frankly it sounds to me like you BOTH have issues, and they're the kinds of issues that are NOT going to get resolved without a counselor's help.

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If you suspect your spouse was cheating wouldn't you look for signs... hey I'm here for advice and to see if I'm overreacting not to get the third degree,remember I'm not the one who has cheated

I'm with her because I love her and care about her its hard to stay with her not trusting her and its even harder to leave her.I try to talk and get answers but she won't be honest,she says forget about the past and start over and focus on us.to me that's saying it won't stop if she doent want to come clean

Your right we both have issues,hers are that she is cheating on me and mine are that she's cheating on me

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Originally Posted by 450donn

This is a pretty simple thing to determine. Hire a private investigator to follow her for a couple of weeks and then you will know. Is it possible you are simply the possessive type and she is tired of it? How about controlling? How about a poor lover in bed? See there are literally dozens of reasons she does not want sex with you!

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How will I know she won't tell me anything when I ask ,which in turn can make me have very many different thoughts trying to figure out what's going on.I mean I've caught her cheating and she denies it,making all kinds of stories up trying to get me to believe it instead of owning up to it.

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Originally Posted by harrym

how will i know she wont tell me anything when i ask ,which in turn can make me have very many different thoughts trying to figure out whats going on.i mean ive caught her cheating and she denies it,making all kinds of stories up trying to get me to believe it instead of owning up to it.

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From your previous posts you have *not* "caught" her cheating. You *suspect* it.

How are we supposed to know if you're not crazy and a total control freak in the first place?

Then your decision is to leave.

You can not controls the actions of others. You can only control your own.

Looking for cheating where there may be none, though---let's put it this way: If I were accused, over and over through the years of having an affair when none was happening, you're darn skippy that if I get the chance I'd do it. After all---I'd have already been PUNISHED for the cheating, when it hadn't even happened.

There is no reason for her to have to tell you details of something like that. You don't even really want to hear them anyway---you just want to be RIGHT about this. You're obsessing about it, rather than working on fixing it.

YOU NEED A COUNSELOR. Your issues are that you feel that because she's done something in the past, you feel she's doing it now. Your issues are that you feel like you can interrogate and control her. You're checking her panties, for god's sake! If I were her, I'd start putting all SORTS of interesting fluids in my panties after I took them off. Windex, chloroform, glue, whatever. Your issues come back to the fact that you can't forgive OR forget, and you refuse to meet her halfway, wherever that is.

If you both won't go see a counselor, this relationship is over, and you may as well not even try. You won't get through this without professional help.

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Originally Posted by linnealand

from your previous posts you have *not* "caught" her cheating. you *suspect* it.

how are we supposed to know if you're not crazy and a total control freak in the first place?

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Well I guess coming home early from bowling and the door being locked her in a tshirt and a blanket wrapped around her with nothing else on and a guy in the back yard (her co worker) putting his shoes on isn't enough proof,or her not coming home from work and I catch her at another coworkers house the next morning or how about phone records to a3rd co worker for 3 straight years... hey lets go for a 4th co worker that I caught her at his house 2 1/2 yeaars ago then when she moved out 1 1/2 years ago and 1 week after she moved out heard the conversation saying about its been awhile since I spent the night at your house when I come over tomorrow night ill bring something sexy to wear we have been together for along time since when you kissed me at work ,that's not even getting into the heartbreaking stuff I heard... yeah I guess I'm a control freak

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Originally Posted by Synnen

Then your decision is to leave.

You can not controls the actions of others. You can only control your own.

Looking for cheating where there may be none, though---let's put it this way: If I were accused, over and over through the years of having an affair when none was happening, you're darn skippy that if I get the chance I'd do it. After all---I'd have already been PUNISHED for the cheating, when it hadn't even happened.

There is no reason for her to have to tell you details of something like that. You don't even really want to hear them anyway---you just want to be RIGHT about this. You're obsessing about it, rather than working on fixing it.

YOU NEED A COUNSELOR. Your issues are that you feel that because she's done something in the past, you feel she's doing it now. Your issues are that you feel like you can interrogate and control her. You're checking her panties, for god's sake! If I were her, I'd start putting all SORTS of interesting fluids in my panties after I took them off. Windex, chloroform, glue, whatever. Your issues come back to the fact that you can't forgive OR forget, and you refuse to meet her halfway, wherever that is.

If you both won't go see a counselor, this relationship is over, and you may as well not even try. You won't get through this without professional help.

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Well in my opinion cheating is the worst thing that could happen,but if it was to (which it has) and she would free willingly openly confess and say that she made a mistake and she can't take the guilt we could stand a chance,but when it continues to happen and she bold faced lies about it,tell me is it likely to stop... and I've got too much vested into this marriage to just end it,must be she knows that and this is why it keeps happening... maybe this time it isn't happening but how can you accept if she says it isn't it isn't if she can't be honest for once

The problem is that you're trying to change HER actions. You can't do that.

You can only control your own.

If you can't stay in a marriage where she cheats, then file for divorce. Or get her to go to counseling to figure out WHY this is happening in your marriage.

Either way, you're making a choice right now to stay. Let me say that again, and give it its own line, so that you're clearly seeing it.

You CHOOSE to stay.

You don't get to whine about the choices you make. You can regret them, rejoice in them, laugh about them, learn from them--but you don't get to whine about them.

Make your choice and live with it. If this is really eating you that badly, then kick her out and rebuild your life.