Do I have some kind of disorder? Or just overanalyzing it.
I guess I feel like there's something wrong with my mental health. My boyfriend of 5 years and I recently broke up, and that's been a huge issue (which is making things worse of course) but I have had these other issues before we even did and I need to vent them and ask if anyone thinks I have some kind of disorder that I can look at getting treated? I saw a counselor before and it was a total disaster, and am seeing a new one though I am tenative about it. I just don't want to feel this way anymore.
The most general thing is I feel really depressed, all of the time. I try to do things I enjoy but I lose interest really quickly and end up wasting a lot of time doing a lot of nothing just to distract myself. I cry at nothing frequently, get angry or frustrated really often, snapping at people too. I don't have suicidal thoughts or feel like hurting myself though.
I have huge sleep problems, I go to bed but I don't actually fall asleep until at least 2 hours after I lay down because I cannot stop thinking and torturing myself. I try really hard to quiet my mind, listen to music, think of pleasant things, but it doesn't work. Even if I can get a grateful few minutes of peace I inevitably think of something that upsets me and my mind keeps going on it and will not let go. This affects my school work too, I can never never focus on it. I enjoy my classes and like learning but every time I sit down to read I start thinking about really negative things. And it makes me not want to work on my school work because I know I'm going to think about those things. Lack of sleep and focus are draining me in every way. I just pulled two all-nighters to get homework done and was crying the whole time because I couldn't stop thinking of awful things and was physically exhausted.
I also feel really anxious all of the time, but it's more than that. I just feel really afraid constantly and am jumpy and worried and paranoid. I don't understand why I feel this way, I never went through any traumatic experiences, that I remember. But I feel this way all of the time. I have such obsessive tendencies. When I was little I used to have to turn the lights on and off a certain amount of times or count in my head to a certain number over and over or I would feel like something bad was going to happen, even though I rationally know that's ridiculous and nothing bad would happen. I'm a lot better than I used to be about it, now I really only do some counting and little things like have to make sure any letter that makes a circle when writing (like o, d, b, etc) is completely closed off or it drives me crazy. Now I feel like I am being really mentally obsessive though. I can NOT stop thinking about some things, overanalyzing every little bit of it. Even the simplest memory, I drive myself crazy trying to remember it over and over and doubting myself, second guessing if that really happened or if my mind is making it up. I feel like I have to think about it or I am missing something that is vital for me to remember, or that something awful is going to happen if I don't spend the time reliving bad memories, or if I can't remember what actually happened.
I also get attached to people really easily, but only if I can talk to them online. I feel like I get too close to them though, and honestly, I could not distinguish between that world and this world for the longest time. I was a completely different person there as I am here, and my actions there did not affect me in any way here. That's how I felt. I don't understand why I would feel that way though and have connections with every guy I get to know.
I also feel compelled to admit absolutely every little thing I've ever done wrong, even though it is completely unnecessary. Like the guilt would devaste me if I didn't tell my neighbor how I took 2 pieces of candy from her candy bowl when I was little when she told me not to. Now she wouldn't even care, or probably remember, and I know that, but I can't help but feel so awful for it. And that's just a little thing; the bigger things I've done have ruined my entire mental state, not to mention ruined my relationships.
I feel like the way I am has destroyed the relationship I had with my boyfriend.
