Originally Posted by
kp2171
this isnt in his "defense", but a previous lover absolutely LOVED a hard thrashing... very direct at the clitoris... it was money in the bank to get her to orgasm. the next lover would smack me upside the head if i did that to her. all it takes is one very different lover, some bad advice, or one bad porn flick to point a guy in the wrong direction.
i have great success with oral on my partner... id say 8-9 times out of 10 i can get her there, and that 10th time... shes too mentally distant, distracted, or tired.
so... what are the things to prepare my lover? first, oral is NOT foreplay! jumping right into oral, especially direct stimulation at the clitoris, is like running a race without putting on clothes, shoes, warming up, and stretching.
so... many say "more foreplay"... and thats fine. but what defines foreplay??? thats an important question thats often overlooked or ignored.
i am very responsive to several stimulations. love kissing. love necking. love breast play. love ear stim. mkay... so why "waste" this during foreplay? save those cards until later. foreplay, to me, should be about skin on skin contact, slow and deliberate, building up sexual tension. save those other stims until later, to get over a plateau.
while i commonly say men resort too quickly to things like breast play, women can also jump the gun. yes... if im hard and pressed against my lover its nice to have attention, but even better to hold back and let tension build.
so... a hot shower, a clean, warm room, and 10-20 minutes of skin to skin contact are just a few things that can get my lover mentally primed, relaxed, and in the moment. dont assume wanting an orgasm and needing that release means you are ready.
then, after a very different "foreplay" than some do, oral is also different. the clitoris is the last place to go. by the time im there she should be pulling me to her.
and, as a guy, its just hard to be patient and with soft touch. if the woman isnt arching her back and seeming to enjoy it, it seems like its not working... when it might be just a slower process.
so... how to approach him about this?
buy ian kerner's books... She Comes First, and He Comes Next.
the great thing about a decent sex book is you can share it, mark it, talk about it... without it being "THIS IS WHAT YOU DO WRONG"...
before i read kerner's book i had decent success with oral on my partner.. but i neglected to realize how much time she needed at the sides, at her labia... well, after looking at his book, and more importantly, talking to her about it and using it to find out what was working and what wasnt, it went from success much of the time to nearly all of the time.
so...
getting a man to orgasm is usually some version of "push, pull, repeat"... a woman can be more "complicated", but that doesnt mean you cannot find a better place.
youve said yourself youve had better. thats not bad news. it means you can be responsive to oral. now its up to both of you to find what works and what doesnt, and thats not necessarily easy. there have been times, after my lover had what seemed to be a much greater climax, when ive asked "what felt different"... and she couldnt answer.
so... maybe get the books i mentioned. the first one deals largely with oral on a woman, but is not exclusive to oral, and might allow you to lead him or explore without it being your telling him whats "wrong"... and the followup, about getting a man to orgasm, lets him open up without it being too odd of a discussion.
dunno. some might not like the idea of reading about sex, but i think anytime a lover says "this sounds yummy"... im going to leave my hangups at the door. and probably my pants too.
