Ask Me Help Desk - To lazy for sex or not that into me?

I have been dating this guy for a little less than 3 months. I am 27 and he is 36. Our courtship has been super sweet and almost picture perfect we had the best first dates that consisted of 5 hour dinners and long intimate discussions wine bars, he was great with my friends at a BBQ and he gushed about me to them! We didn’t have sex until after the first month and it was a little awkward to start with (he had problems staying hard) but he assured me that it in time the problem would fix itself… and for the most part it did. But now even though he can generally stay hard throughout the act it is rarely long enough for me to finish (he cums first) and we have sex a lot less often then I would like and oddly limited to the morning hours (mainly because he conveniently wakes up with a n erection). I am young and healthy with a pretty normal sex drive. He is a tad older but still not out of his prime. I am not sure if there is something that I am doing wrong but it is disconcerting to always be the initiator and I feel less attractive that he doesn’t want me as much as I want him. We have had amazing chemistry since we met and he is a great kisser and loves to snuggle but when it comes down to actually getting down he kind of poops out almost like he is to lazy! I say this because he generally lazy when it comes to any physical activity (ie: cleaning, walking). He is an ex athlete so I know he must have some stamina, but is it possible that he is just too lazy to have sex? I make jokes about wanting more sex and have even tried telling him his not reciprocating the way I am all over him hurts me but nothing changes. The crazy thing is he seems so content to date me, call me, spend the night, do dinner and a movie or drinks at bars with friends minus the sex! I feel like because we are new and just started being intimate we should be like rabbits. What is going on... is he just not that into me? Is he gay? Can he really be that lazy? And how on earth can I talk to him about this without bruising his ego? I am inclined to call it quits but I would like to at least give an explanation why and hope maybe there is a reason behind this madness.

Since you are not married, consider that you tried it, and aren't buying it. He sounds like a wonderful friend, but not someone willing to be an equal partner with you.

Try being direct with him, ask him why he isn't that interested. He will likely come up with some excuse because he really values your relationship and doesn't want to lose it; or maybe he will tell you the truth. There's little point in all of guessing when you can ask him directly.

I've been in a few relationships that sound similar, and the truth was there just wasn't the physical chemistry between us. I mean she was a wonderful person, but subconsciously or otherwise she just didn't turn me on. I don't know if this is the same for him, but it's something to consider. Do you know if he masturbates a lot? If so, fantasy can sometimes be more exciting than the real thing for some guys; after all everything in a fantasy is perfect, reality isn't.

Finally, it could be that he has had relationships that were based on sex before and is determined to keep this healthier in his mind. The truth may be for him that cuddling and having real intimacy is far more appealing than sex for him as strange as it may sound.

Nevertheless, it's time you asked him directly and tell him your concerns. As for his ego, you're both adults I wouldn't worry too much about it; you need to take care of you and not be so concerned if being honest for the good of your relationship is going to bruise him a bit. You've invested this much time getting to know him, I would rather know the answer from him before I cut him loose than never know.

Ask him. Tell him about the things that bother you or he will never know and you will be frustrated.
It amazes me how people feel free to get naked and have sex, but find it difficult to talk about the thing they are doing.
It could be that he is not a good lover and has no clue, or maybe has a low sex drive, but what ever it is, if you two stay together he needs to know there is a problem. If you break up, he needs to know why.

Some people, men and women just don't have a real drive. That's how they are... Councelling can help a few.. medication others... but for some people its just not a priority in life. And you would be better served to find someone who is a better match because this WILL continue to grow as an issue for you until it destroys what relationship you have.

Don't assume they will change. It rarely happens and someone always gets disappointed and hurt in the end.

How long do you expect him to be hard during *intercourse*? Three minutes, Five minutes, 10 Minutes, 15 minutes, 30 minutes?

Is he accustomed to viewing pornography?

Do you usually have sex when you are drinking?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Choux

How long do you expect him to be hard during *intercourse*?? Three minutes, Five minutes, 10 Minutes, 15 minutes, 30 minutes??

Is he accustomed to viewing pornography?

Do you usually have sex when you are drinking?

10- 15 minutes of actual intercourse is fine for me... if we have great foreplay (which is rare with him) then even less 5 -10 minutes is good. I am pretty easy to please :)

I have seen porn’s and playboys around but nothing out of the ordinary and I am not sure how often he masturbates...

We are some what accustom to coming home after a night on the town and a few drinks and I will put the moves on him but he rarely responds.. there are those chill nights where he comes over during the week to have dinner and cuddle on the couch with TV and we will get into bed and snuggle but no sex.

It is very possible he can not last as long as you are expecting, and when things are said, he is embarrassed and now he avoids sex so he won't fail, This is a common, common problem, and once there is a issue, it can cause more and more issues.

Men often when they start having performance problems deny it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

It is very possible he can not last as long as you are expecting, and when things are said, he is embarrassed and now he avoids sex so he won't fail, This is a commom, commom problem, and once there is a issue, it can cause more and more issues.

Men often when they start having performance problems deny it.

I am getting a lot of responses that say talk to him?! How do you suggest I approach him if you think he is still embarrassed about all the past failures? I am concerned because we have only been dating 3 months is it to early to bring stuff like this to the table?

If you can't TALK about sex---why the heck are you HAVING sex? Seriously!

If you aren't comfortable about talking about serious issues with someone, why the HELL are you participating in an activity with them that brings up some of THE most serious issues in life---STDs, AIDS, pregnancy, etc.

My advice is to simply say, straight out, that YOU have a problem and HE needs to help with it by communciating with you.

If neither of you can do that, then you shouldn't be dating anyway.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bananas716

i am getting a lot of responses that say talk to him?!? how do you suggest i approach him if you think he is still embarrassed about all the past failures? i am concerned because we have only been dating 3 months is it to early to bring stuff like this to the table?

How is it to early to bring that to the table and you're already having sex?
It could be that you two are just not sexually compatible and it is imporatnt enough to you to bother you. Be honest and talk to him. Communication is the key in a relationship

I don't have an answer to your question but I can tell you that you've got a friend! I've been married 5 years and literally have had sex with my husband for only 10 to 15 times max. I identify with all of the scenarios you've mentioned. I don't know if you've spoken to your partner yet but my husband got rather defensive when I addressed it. It's obviously a very touchy issue so we change the subject with little resolution. I often end up in tears. We have been 'trying' for a child but we're sort of the joke of the family because we've not been successful.

Hello Elbafe,

You responded to more than two years old post, Thanks.

John