Hello everyone,

I am having a problem with self-esteem and caring too much about what others think about me. When I was in middle school, I was always picked on for being a skinny nerd and it hurt my feelings. The kids would be mean and sometimes beat me up. As I got older and realized there was nothing wrong with being this way, I stopped caring what everyone thought about me and I became happy with myself.

Now I am in a relationship where I am starting to revert back to worrying about how people view me. Some of my girlfriends' friends have told her that we are not a good couple and that I am boring. I feel her co-workers think that I don't do stuff for or I am mean to her. I feel sometimes she goes out of her way to tell me how I don't stack up to her friends' boyfriends and husbands. For example, for 10 months now she has wanted this "thing". She talked to someone today about getting this "thing" and the salesperson found it odd that I would not buy it for her because most boyfriends buy it for their girlfriends. (I don't want to buy it, I can't afford it and what it is doesn't matter.) Well that ruined my day, I spent lunch not talking to her and thinking about how I was inadequate. I told her it hurt my feelings and she apologized.

How do I go back to not caring about other people's opinions and loving myself?

Hard to judge but I would think if you loved your girlfriend and that she wanted something for 10 months that you would get it for her, depending on what the unknown thing was. Whether you thought it was important, just because she did. It doesn't seem that this relationship is healthy for you. It appears to be bringing out all of your insecurities again and there is probably a reason for that.

The thing is a $400 dog.

Justwantfair, are you a female? Your advice just seemed to be what all her female friends say. It never occurs to her or them for her to buy it for herself. She has a job and less bills than I do.

A dog is different. A dog is a responsibility for both parties, like I said depending on what the object is, you were to vague to tell.

Well... to answer your question about your insecurities:

I can relate perfectly... for the longest time I couldn't understand why guys wouldn't stay in a relationship with me for longer than a year... it was my lack of confidence that drove them away... it is the same for women...

To women, confidence is sexy. If you show your girlfriend (even if you don't feel it yet) that you're the man in the relationship -so to speak-, and you have confidence in yourself,
A) she won't care what her friends say and in turn will stop telling you what they say
B) you'll start to feel it yourself and then it will become a reality

About the gift thing... I never understood why some women are so materialistic. Even though I don't know what it was, I can still say that if she really wanted it for that long, she could have saved up for it and had the satisfaction of buying it for herself (thats how I would have done it :D)

ALSO--if this is causing a serious problem for you in your relationship and you've told her and it still doesn't stop... you know what you have to do!! :rolleyes:

I still don't understand what it means to be the "man" in a relationship.

What are some good ways to get my confidence back?

The first thing would be stop thinking what others think. If your in a relationship with your girlfriend it should be between the two of you and nobody else. You can also do things for her to show that you care by giving her thinking of you cards, making a nice dinner, etc. Recently, my fiancé made a coupon book for me and I give a coupon and he does what it saids. Like a 40 minute foot rub, a massage,etc.

Once you get your self-esteem back things won't bother you but I think your girlfriend is complaining about you to her friends, family, and co-workers and that's why they talk about you. You two should be communicating with one another instead of a third party because that only causes problems.

Also, here is a site that can help with your confidence:
www.essortment.com/all/howtogainco_rfbl.htm

You are the only one who can control your confidence. The first step you have to take is to tell yourself you're going to be confident.

This sounds a little odd but work on your posture. Confident people walk erect with their chins up and shoulders back rather than with head down staring at the ground.

Look people in the eye when you speak to them and be sure to smile during casual conversations. A smile brings a positive reaction from people and positive reactions will boost your confidence.

Have a talk with your girlfriend and let her know the stuff she is doing has a negative effect on you. If she truly cares about you she will stop the behaviour if not then you don't need her tearing you down and it's time to go your separate ways. A mature relationship is based on communication and trust as well as love. You need to function as a team and work together in a relationship; that doesn't sound like what's happening in your life from your description.

Do some volunteer work, there are thousands of organizations in need of volunteers. Helping someone succeed is a great confidence booster.

Good luck!
Ber

First of all, your feelings are totally understandable. You've been bullied @ an early age and made to feel inadequate and w/ all the sh*t your gf's pulling, you feel like your right back in that spot.

What I want you to know, however, is that the way people view you is of ABSOLUTELY NO CONSEQUENCE. Think about it logically; you're the one who spends the most time with yourself, you're the only one who feels your own feeling, who thinks your own thoughts and who wants the best for your own self, hence the only thing that really matters are your own feelings.

Now, there is nothing wrong w/ u not wanting to buy her the gift. Everybody sets his/her own standards and you've set yours. What's wrong is that your girlfriend is going around blabberin about you to her co-workers, her friends, etc. when your relationship is none of their business. In other words; your girlfriend is waaay out of her line. I would suggest dumping her as soon as possible, and getting as far as you can get out of the situation. Your not at fault, she is.

About recovering yourself esteem, I think that once you distance yourself from the situation and stop thinkin(subconciously or conciously), along the lines of: "Is she dissatisfied w/ me because I 'this' or that'?", gradually, you'll go back to not giving an f*** about what people think. Try, during this time, to engage in activities that make you feel happy, confident, and proud- In short, things that remind you of you!

Hmmm, bro, ever try talking to her, ever try asking her why her friends don't like you, I think its better when the girl friends friends don't like you, it kind of gives you a goal, you know, proving them wrong

Sounds like she is Miss Diva girl and wants you to buy her a diva dog. It "looks good" to her friends. I think she has the bigger issues. You can do better. Get someone that is genuine.
When "love" causes you to suffer, you've got the wrong person. Good luck in finding someone deserving of you. Until then, just be the best YOU, you can be, then the right one will show up.;)

[I believe You should think about the fact that nobody is truly happy with themselves all the time and everybody is wonderfully flawed. As far as that girlfriend and that "thing" allow no one to make you feel like less than being SINGLE gives you spunk!

You have to evaluate everything. Also remember you can't please everybody so you have to please you.