Ask Me Help Desk - How do children interfere with marriage?

DETAILS:

I am four weeks pregnant. My husband and I had only been married one year before we finally got pregnant. I love my husband more than anything. We never do anything without one another. We both want to have the child, but I'm scared to know that I will love something more than my own husband. I can't imagine loving something more than him and deep down I fear this might effect my relationship with my child and my husband in a seriously negative way.

We live together, we work together, we never do anything without one another. I know this is common for the first year or so of marriage- I was told it's called caccooning. I'm more nervous about having to take time off work than recovering from delivery. I love working side by side with my husband full-time and I don't want that to change. I feel codependent with my husband, but it has been a functioning and happy thing for almost two years. This is both of our first child, so we are pretty clueless on what to expect.
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TO THE POINT:

I'm curious how having a child at this point in our marriage will effect our relationship. What I might expect or how I can prepare (both he and myself).

How does having a child effect a codependent marriage?
Does working together help prepare for the teamwork involved in raising a child? Or does it hinder?
What do I do if- worst case scenario- I do not become attached to the child, become an abusive/jealous mother.. How will I know when this is happening? What can I do when/if it does?
Is it unhealthy to use a nanny/babysitter 2pm-12midnight 4-6 days a week? How will this distance effect my child's relationship towards us?

You may make some adjustments, from time, to time, but sharing your love with your child will be a blessing, with many rewards. Just relax for now and take things as they come.

Do you want this baby? Planned children does not interfere with the marriage. A baby will bring you and hubby much joy and he'll be another enjoyment you both can share. You'll both be amazed that this new little life was created by your own love for one another. You'll both be amazed each and everyday how your own flesh and blood is growing and learning new things. He'll be an extension of your love for each other and he won't be a third person... you'll become a family!
Hope this will help you!:)

My husband and I were together and totally co-dependent upon each other for over 7 years when I got pregnant with our first.

It was a very difficult adjustment, as the two of us always did everything together and never answered to anybody else (we lived far away from family).

Here are some things that you may or may not experience. As long as you realize that all of the feelings are OKAY and will not last forever. Denying your feelings, or feeling guilty about them is not productive and will only make it more difficult.

a. you will absolutely love this baby when it is born. It is a strange thing and one that cannot be explained or understood, it just happens. I promise!!
b. you will resent your baby in the beginning and so will your husband. With your relationship, the baby will feel like an intrusion, but this too will pass.
c. make sure that you and your husband work 50/50 in caring for the baby. He needs certain "jobs", otherwise it will be very easy for him to feel like he's just been kicked to the curb.
d. don't be one of those moms that refuses to leave her baby. Find someone you trust and who is comfortable taking care of an infant and you two escape the house for a while. This may be the most important thing, as it gives both of you your couple time that you both need for your marriage.

I now have two children, love them both dearly, but my hubby and I got out EVERY Saturday night. We enjoy each other so much that it doesn't matter what we're doing, we just need that time to be together and uninterrupted.

Best wishes to you and don't you worry... you'll LOVE that baby!

Quote:

Originally Posted by invisible woman

Is it unhealthy to use a nanny/babysitter 2pm-12midnight 4-6 days a week? How will this distance effect my child's relationship towards us?

If you mean unhealthy for the baby, that completely depends on the person caring for the baby. The right person is just another loving adult in your child's life. A baby will not be harmed by being loved by three people instead of one or two. But a series of poor nannies with that many hours would not be so good. So do choose with some care. In particular, watch out of people who will just abandon the job after a few weeks or months. I had one 22 year old do this to me. Two others stayed for 5 years each.

Also, in my experience (two kids), very young babies are easier to hand around to different adults. I think if this happens frequently and they are always well treated, they become used to it. But if they are used to always being with mommy or daddy, they will not like to be handed over to someone else, especially when they are 2 or 3. I always had sitters in my home and the best ones were wonderful and a positive addition to the family.

You will be fine. I agree about making sure your husband is equally involved and taking time to be alone with your husband. That's healthy for your marriage. So many people are so concerned with being good parents that they don't think about the health of the marriage. It's great that you want to make that a priority.

By the way, my baby was premature and I was not allowed to hold him for several days, so I did not "bond" for a week or so. It just took me longer, but it did happen. Don't worry if your first feelings after delivery are just relief that it's over, not undying love for the cause of the pain. I just wanted a sandwich. :)

It was my husband and I for 8 years before we had our first... We depended on each other and did everything together.. Then I had my oldest son and it was so crazy.. It was a difficult adjustment.. I loved my son from the moment I heard his heartbeat.. And my husband felt the same way. But we were used to being able to rush off to dinner at a moments notice.. Or being able to head to the local pub for drinks.. Now we were stopped by this 3rd person.. The team work was helpful for the first few months of raising our son and on... I couldn't do it alone.. I think you should look at it as something else fun you guys will love doing together.. But be warned it'll never be like it used to be!