Ask Me Help Desk - 19 yr daughter living with sex offender

My daughter has recently dropped out of college, quit her job and moved from my house to live with a guy she has been dating. I've never met the guy but know that he is 28 yrs old, a registered sex offender, spent 10 yrs in prison for aggravated sodomy, is unemployed, uneducated and lives with some guys in a very bad part of town. My daughter is now a part of all this. I keep hearing that she will wake up one day and realize this life she has chosen is not a good one but I'm scared to death she won't. I haven't heard from her in over two weeks and I'm going crazy with fear that something may happen to her. I beleve that her self esteem is horribly low because why else would she attach herself to this kind of person. I am desperate to help her but I don't know what I could do. Any advice?

This is a tough one. I can see why you are very upset. The only thing that comes to mind, since she hasn't contacted you in so long, would be to call the police and file a missing persons report. You could tell them that her last known whereabouts were with a sex offender, in this bad part of town. I would fear for her safety too.

I don't mean to scare you, but something bad could possibly happen to her, and you wouldn't know, so I would at least start a paper trail, so the police know the circumstances.

Also, I would look into whether he has filed the papers to register as a known sex offender.

Good luck, and I hope she gets away from this scum, and takes her life back.

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Originally Posted by starbuck8

This is a tough one. I can see why you are very upset. The only thing that comes to mind, since she hasn't contacted you in so long, would be to call the police and file a missing persons report. You could tell them that her last known whereabouts were with a sex offender, in this bad part of town. I would fear for her safety too.

I don't mean to scare you, but something bad could quite possibly happen to her, and you wouldn't know, so I would at least start a paper trail, so the police know the circumstances.

Also, I would look into whether or not he has filed the papers to register as a known sex offender.

Good luck, and I hope she gets away from this scum, and takes her life back.

My family was in a similar situtation with my 16 year old sister. She ran away to live with her 20 year old boyfriend and we filed a missing persons. It didn't do anything because when the police contacted her, she told them she was happy where she was. This mother's daughter is a grown adult which means she has no control over her daughter's life. The police wouldn't even help us with a 16 year old let alone a 19 year old.

White-Rose, was your sisters boyfriend a registered sex offender with a prison record? That does make a difference.

My guess, he is planning or already has turned her out on the streets to make him the money. Sounds like he is a pimp. Sorry, I know it is hard, but I am also going to guess she now has a drug habit. Why do supposedly good girls go bad? Who knows, but she has decided for what ever reasons that this life is what she wants. There is nothing you can do short of getting some really burly friends, grabbing her and getting her committed to protect her from herself.

Let me see he is 28 and in prison 10 years that means he was put in prison at 18 or 17?

Also exactly what was the crime, was the actual crime, oral sex with a minor, he 18 and she 15, or was it a forceable rape ?

But at this point she is a adult and you can't force her to do anything. So love her and go and visit her, call her and don't condem to chase her away, just love her and be there for her.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Let me see he is 28 and in prison 10 years that means he was put in prison at 18 or 17 ??

Also exactly what was the crime, was the actual crime, oral sex with a minor, he 18 and she 15, or was it a forceable rape ?

But at this point she is a adult and you can't force her to do anything. So love her and go and visit her, call her and don't condem to chase her away, just love her and be there for her.

But I think she could be in horrible trouble. There are other men living in this place that she is. She hasn't contacted her Mom, and it seems her Mom can't contact her. I think that was the sense of urgency. Maybe she can't! Maybe she's being drugged, or being put out on the streets, or being molested herself. It doesn't sound like her Mom can go visit. She could even be being kept against her will at this point, and doesn't have access to a phone. It HAD to have been something very bad that the boyfriend was in prison for, if it was for 10 yrs. So he's not incapable of doing something bad to a 19 yr old girl that is prime bait for a predator, to groom and take advantage of. That is why I suggested filing a missing persons report.

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

White-Rose, was your sisters boyfriend a registered sex offender with a prison record? That does make a difference.

Yes I am aware, but her daughter wants to be with him. Just because he's a sex offender, it obviously doesn't change her mind about him. The police can't do anything unless the daughter is being kidnapped or forced to be with him against her own will.

I read through each of these and agree with much of it. However, having been the child that everyone was worried about I will tell you what worked for me. Every time I had contact with my mother she told me she loved me, I could come home no questions asked, and nothing I did would ever make her stop loving me. Her words saved my life. Not that moment, because I wasn't ready to hear them quite yet... but when I was done, I came home.

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Originally Posted by interpreterdeaf

I read through each of these and agree with much of it. However, having been the child that everyone was worried about I will tell you what worked for me. Each and every time I had contact with my mother she told me she loved me, I could come home no questions asked, and nothing I did would ever make her stop loving me. Her words saved my life. Not that moment, because I wasnt ready to hear them quite yet.....but when I was done, I came home.

We certainly hope this is the case here also. I'm sure the OP would welcome her daughter with open arms. It's the imminent danger of the situation here that we are concerned about. She might not have a choice to come home.

This is not any fault of yours! These predators are after innocent children/young adults day after day... I have an even more horrific situation than this! My son resides under the same roof as a registerd sex offender who violated his four year old biological daughter and six year old step-son.
Then a few years later, my ex-wife now on husband number four, married this person. Now, my son lives under the same roof with monster, and I have exausted ALL of my personal resources to get him out of this situtation! Missouri law has nothing on the books that stop child molesters from residing under the same roof as a child!! This was my big battle, and I lost!!
I dedicated 20years of service to parents and families and earned two college degrees in the field of Education, and now I stock shelves in a grocery store...
People pass me by day after day and some don't even say hello. I have helped numerous children over the years, and parents, and other educators, and I can't even help my own son...
So, what do you do? My answer to this question is this: It may hurt to tell you this, but you really need to let go of this situation. It will consume you, destroy everything you ever worked hard for, you will eventually blame yourself until you wish day after day not to wake up to see the next... I know this for a fact, I live it every day, and at least your daughter is of age, and can make her own decisions. My son, he doesn't have that luxury.
The only thing that can be done, is to alert the media of both of these stories, because if enough voices speak out, then someone will believe us!! Then with the media exposure, the states and legislatures will have to put laws into place to prevent these monsters from getting close to our children!

I just read your post, and it broke my heart. The OP of this question hasn't been back since, so we don't know what happened in her situation.

YOur situation is outrageous! I can only imagine how helpless you must feel! Do you not have visitation with your son? I'm not sure I understand the whole story, and it sounds like there is much much more to it! It is absolutely outrageous that a child would be forced to live under those conditions. This just blows my mind. I'm so sorry about this! May I ask why you don't work in the education system anymore? As I said, I'm sure there is much more to this story.

I don't mean to piggyback on someone else's thread, but I felt I had to comment on this. The laws are absolutely insane sometimes! We are suppose to protect children, not put them in harms way!

More of the story:

The reason my son lives in the same house with a sex offender is because she married him... Yes, she knew this at the time she married him, and now this is daddy number four... I have a court order, and it takes money to have it inforced! I tried on two other occasions to get custody, and nothing ever changed except me paying both parties attorney fees twice. I also had an increase of child support which doubled my amount... the judge put that in for extra kicks!

I spent the first three years of his life fighting to see him, and it cost a bundle... Back in these days, I had to get my attorney involved to even have her sign off on my turn to claim him on taxes... Now this is no longer needed. I went a total of seven years never seeing my son because I ran out of money to inforce the decree, and it doesn't matter if you she was in contempt or not, when you file the paperwork you do need an attorney to represent you!

SO, when I was informed by a relative of what was going on, I immediately hired another attorney to try and get him again. However, they play the game well, and it never made it to court because I ran out of money to fight... There were many witnesses to interview, changes of venues back and forth, and it got rather expensive too fast.

I was advised from my attorney that in the future, the way the divorce decree is written, I would be half responsible for anything this child may due in the future living in these conditions... At the time, my divorce decree stated that I had "joint custody", which is a huge joke! However, I would be responsible for whatever mischief he would do now or later in lilfe until the decree is terminated by the courts...

I had to think of the family I have now, and all that could happen in the future, so I gave her on paper what she already had anyway, which was sole custody. I still pay monthly for a child I never get to see or hear from, but that is how this game is played... I couldn't let my son's behavior in the future put us at risk financially.

However, the decree stipulates that visitation is not determined at this time, and it never will be... If you want the actual facts of this entire story, go to the Platte County, Missouri website. Type in my name and everything is public record. My name is Michael Vanderhoof, I will let you find out the rest...

You asked about my leaving the field of education... I left the profession after earning two college degrees and spent a total of twenty years dedicating my life to helping children and parents, and managing some of the finest schools. What else can a man do if he can't even help his own son, how could I possibly be able to continue helping the children of others?

I just couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore, and now I stock items on shelves at a grocery store. In this world, many people don't even return a "hello" because they are too good to talk to a person like me... I left the world where my opinion once counted for something, and my words made a difference in the life of a child, this hurts more than you could possible imagine...

This situation has cost me everything from my profession to my pocketbook, and my son still resides with a child molester. I have learned over the years that to make change happen, you need either money or public outrage to get things done. Well, I am all out of money, so now my only hope is to rely on the public and opinions of others to hear this story, and to help my son out of this horrific situation before it's too late!!

Well you could call the cops to go and check on this man and ask the cops to put him on house arrest and also make sure he has nobody in his house