About a month ago I found out that my husband of 5 years had cheated on me. We have decided to try to work past it, the affair is over and he is in therapy now to figure out why he had the affair in the first place. The affair goes against his own morals and values and he is disgusted with himself for having done it. Well, since the affair has come out I have now discovered that my husband was and has been looking at porn on the internet behind my back. We have a healthy sex life but he has finally admitted that he needs to have this dominatrix kind of porn in his life. Back story: Our first year of marriage he wanted to me to wear PVC clothing during sex and boss him around, this was fine until he did not want to have sex with me without this stuff. We got past that, so I thought, but now, dealing with the pain of the affair, he is telling me that he doesn't know that he can let go of this need, that we have to add these things into our sex life on occasion or he has to be able to look at the porn. I think that he has a porn addiction, even though he is capable of having sex without this stuff, he does not think that there is a problem and worse, believes that he likes it too much to need to give it up. Should I treat this like a drug addiction, staying far away from it and encouraging him to not only get help but to realize that this just not going to happen? Or is this something he needs and I need to be willing to work with it? I don't mind the clothing on occasion or the bossing around, I mind when that is all he wants. What to do?
Sorry so long.

Well, I think he needs some therapy with regard to the dominatrix thing, like you said, between both of you it might be fun on occasion, but if that's all he wants there is something deeper going on.

My thing here is, why doesn't he do what you want, he's being selfish; and if he took the time to make love to you rather than just have sex in a way that satisfies his erotic triggers I think he would find the beauty in you and be incredibly aroused.

You should talk to him and try and figure out what it is about his fetish that he likes, and then if there is something you like he could give that to you. Giving to each other generally works out, but a one sided relationship; sexual or otherwise is not healthy. He needs to care for you and your needs as well. However, I come back to, if he wasn't so selfish both of you would be giving to each other and this may not be a discussion.

Communication is the key, talk to him.

Hi, whatwasthepoint!

I'm glad that your husband is now in therapy and at least willing to work with you, to a certain point, on things.

Is there a possibility that you could go with him to participate in some of the therapy sessions? It really does sound like the two of you could benefit by doing that. A moderator, such as a therapist or counselor might be a great benefit to the two of you.

Being a couple, he has needs that need to be met as well as do you. It does sound like you are communicating together, but, I'm wondering if what you're communicating with him is enough so that your needs are met according to your comfort level. That is where the two of you receiving some counseling together might also help.

There is a very wise person on this site who goes by the name of talaniman. I really like one of the quotes that he has in his signature. It is:

Quote:

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Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs.

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Maybe giving that quote some thought, might help you in your thought process concerning the challenge that you are having with working and dealing with your husband.

Hopefully, others will also be along to address your question.

Thanks!

This is of course why couples when dating need to be honest of their needs and/or desires in all areas, including sexual.

There are men and women that truly enjoy this sort of thing.

And if done between to people who are committed and they both enjoy it, that is their desire.

The Porn issue, have you put porn blockers on the computer at home,

Why spend the rest of your life with a big problem?

Life is to be enjoyed and happiness is your goal. :)

Just forget about all his sexual problems and develop a life of your own full of interests, or decide to be all wrapped up in problems going forward, or go get a job, file for divorce and financial support and go out into life on your own making of life what you will!! :)

I'm a girl having a similar but kind've opposite problem... my boyfriend never wants to have sex unless I'm extremely lifeless and submissive. If I wear lingerie or evern heavy make up/high heels he feels too intimidated for sex. So, I understand how hard it is to have dis-similar sex "styles."
But, because this has been such a serious issue for your partner I don't think it's a simple issue of compromise. I think therapy is a great idea-- and maybe you could go with him to talk to the therapist. I think it's clear that your partner may have some past reason for this need for dominatrix sex. My suggestion is to get your partner to examine his past relationships, relationship with his mother, etc. until he finds the real root for this need. You can wait through this and help him(because he's willing to try in therapy), but if you think he's incapable of changing then I would try to move on.
Best of luck--

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Originally Posted by whatwasthepoint

About a month ago I found out that my husband of 5 years had cheated on me. We have decided to try to work past it, the affair is over and he is in therapy now to figure out why he had the affair in the first place. The affair goes against his own morals and values and he is disgusted with himself for having done it. Well, since the affair has come out I have now discovered that my husband was and has been looking at porn on the internet behind my back. We have a healthy sex life but he has finally admitted that he needs to have this dominatrix kind of porn in his life. Back story: Our first year of marriage he wanted to me to wear PVC clothing during sex and boss him around, this was fine until he did not want to have sex with me without this stuff. We got past that, so I thought, but now, dealing with the pain of the affair, he is telling me that he doesn't know that he can let go of this need, that we have to add these things into our sex life on occasion or he has to be able to look at the porn. I think that he has a porn addiction, even though he is capable of having sex without this stuff, he does not think that there is a problem and worse, believes that he likes it too much to need to give it up. Should I treat this like a drug addiction, staying far away from it and encouraging him to not only get help but to realize that this just not going to happen? Or is this something he needs and I need to be willing to work with it? I don't mind the clothing on occasion or the bossing around, I mind when that is all he wants. What to do?
Sorry so long.

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Sounds like he's into BDSM. While I personally find it weird... that's just me. Apparently, a great many people enjoy the lifestyle. It's something you're going to have to learn to live with. It's a shame he didn't fill you in before you were married... but then, maybe he didn't fully know himself at that point. Calm down a little though... much of it seems to be playacting/roleplaying, and there are "safe" words to use if the um... pleasure becomes pain. You're just lucky that HE's the one who wants to be dominated. It would really suck if he wanted to dominate YOU, since you're obviously not into it.

Check it out:
BDSM - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia