I guess I have always thought of her. We'll call her "J" and I knew her for about two years as a kid. I left at age 11 when my stepfather went to the active army. When I left J was absolutley beside herself and I was totally heart broken. I never spoke to J again.
I lived my life and went through the adventures of youth, but the whole time J was in my mind.
I have been in love before as a man. I have married, fought in a war and have had children. I have lived a life that has given me a plain logical view of the world. I don't obsess over things I can't change or aren't relevant to the now. However I still love J with all my heart.
I feel guilty because these feeling are a betrayal to myself and all I am . The other young women I loved are not an issue for me. I don't obsess because I knew it would never had worked with them, but J is and has always been on my mind.
I recently contacted J's brother. I tried to contact him through her. J's brother was a good friend and when I told her via E-mail that I was looking for her brother she stopped responding to me. I eventually met with J's brother. I didn't even mention J, but three times he brought her up. I am now confused and scared that I might have caused trouble.
Apparently after I left and J went to Junior High she became very dark and gothic. Then when J grew up she became a hippy tree hugger for some ither guy, but when she was about to call off the relationship she got pregnant and tried to stick it out. J has now left the hippy guy and lives back home with her mom and dad. My marriage is on shakey ground and I am now in regualr contact with J's brother.
I guess I want to know what anyone else thinks.