My son hates who I am and I don't blame him
I had the most devastating argument with my 17 year old son yesterday. He told me that he hates me, everything about me, who I am, the way I do things. I appreciate it was said in the heat of the moment but I know he pretty much meant it.
I love him with all my heart - so much it hurts and yet I am horrible to him. I know I am. We have the hugest fights over nothing when I say things a mother should never say to her child. His father and I divorced years ago and I have raised him and his sister on my own. He moved countries not long after we divorced and was very sporadic about contacting the kids until eventually we heard nothing. That was 3 years ago. I have heard through the grapevine that he blames them for not contacting him. While I know this is crazy as he is the adult I do also feel that he will drag me into it when the time comes for him to make his excuses to the children. To be honest I was pretty horrible to him - admittedly the marriage wasn't perfect and he was horrible to me to but his was more with mind games than outright.
My son said yesterday that as soon as he is finished school (at the end of next year) he wants to leave home- and the country (he was planning on going to college but won't now) because he can't stand to be around me. What concerns me is that those are the same things my husband said when he left so it seems like I have just gone and made the same mistakes again. I just want to know if there is anything I can do to salvage this relationship - I lost my husband because of 'who I am' and now it seems I will lose my son too. I can see now the husband wasn't too great a loss but I can't imagine not having my boy in my life.