Okay this is my question.. after some history.
My boyfriend of 2 years (1 year living together) has always looked at porn, has always been honest with me about it, and we've discussed his porn "habit". That was the only outlet for his sexuality for years (in a sexless previous marriage; and before that when he was single). When he moved in with me, I realized that his "browsing" was a bit more than that... he spends hours "collecting" sets of pictures of women, downloading videos, burning them to DVDs, etc. We've had some arguments about it; I feel that it DOES take up a lot of his time.. he isn't working, and he spends hours on the computer, tending to his "collection". He told me "you knew about this from the beginning, etc..".

The problem that is on my mind now.. is that at first when he moved in.. our sex life was pretty regular, at least a couple of times a week (I would like more, but he says he has a low sex drive.. or that he is not "agressive" sexually). NOW... it seems that if I don't initiate sex... it just doesn't happen. We had a huge blow up about this last week... as I had discovered that AFTER I went to bed.. he spent time on the computer.. looking at porn and masturbating to it. The fall-out from that discussion was that he said he wasn't feeling "sexual" towards me, because lately he feels that I'm controlling , criticizing, etc.. He was very defensive.. saying that all of that made him not want to have sex with me. We are very affectionate and he loves to cuddle, kiss, etc... but it doesn't lead anywhere unless I initiate it. But apparently now, he doesn't feel sexual feelings toward me... and told me to "give it time"... (I must add, that emotionally we are very close, he is very supportive of me, very sensitive to my OTHER needs). In other words, every other part of this relationship is good for ME... except this one issue. But of course it's an important one.

I have to say that I look at porn, too. In fact he kind of introduced me to it; but what I thought might happen (us looking at it together and using it to add something to our sex life) is just not happening. This seems to be something that he does "in secret"... after I've gone to bed early. During the day? He leaves the door to his office open and I come and go... and can see what's on his computer. He doesn't hide it. We even talk about it... the fact that he has to "work" on his collection.

So, I'm getting mixed signals here. Porn is definitely part of his life, he doesn't try to hide it; BUT... it seems that on nights when I go to bed early... or even nights that I suggest sex.. he makes an excuse ("I'm not "there" right now..not feeling like it, etc..) then I go to bed...and he stays up for hours , looking at porn and usually masturbating to it. BUT he admits it, and in the fight we had last week...he said "no offense, but it's my penis, I can do what I want".

I am hurt, resenting this..not really the "porn" part; but the time he spends on it. And the way it is seeming to take something away from "us". Shouldn't he want to have sex with me...even using porn as something to add to our relationship? I'm very hurt, confused and really not knowing what to think or do. If I confront him again..is that making me manipulative, criticizing, or even being a "castrating " which he told me last time?
All I know, is that when I realized he had done this again, last night. It made me feel defeated, somehow unattractive (although he assured me that he doesn't compare me to the women he watches..and he finds me very attractive) ..and just sad. I dont know what to do. Just "let it go"...because I DO realize men look at porn and masturbate, just cause they need to "scratch an itch".. or should I sit back and wait and see if our sex DOES improve. Since the last blow-up...which was emotionally exhausting..I've been very much "business as usual" and have tried to give him his space and time to do what he needs to do. I am very, very confused as you can tell... I hope this makes sense.

Any and all comment/opinions will be welcomed here. Thanks for listening.

For your own information do a web search on porn addiction and be prepared to reams of reading material. From your post I gather that he is addicted to porn and it has become a major problem. Go figure, addictions of any sort present major problems in any relationship. If he refuses to acknowledge it and get help, I see you have one alternative, dump him and move on. Good luck.

I'm in the opposition on that... some people have a fixation about "porn addiction"... I think that's just their pet peeve and a universal scapegoat for them.

Porn is a tool and a diversion... its not any more addicting that many other things are. And people can and do get addicted to the strangest things. Its possible to be addicted to porn but not likely in most cases. More people are addicted to coffee.

Perhaps his problem is he doesn't have anything else to ocupy his time... If he is sitting around without a job... he might well be a bit depressed about it but just isn't expressing it. I think that's what's going on here and its not an addiction any more than an unemployed person sitting in front of the TV for an equal amount of time is addicted to the TV. It's a diversion that's taking his mind off other problems. And its those problems that need addressing.

Why is he unemployed and what is he doing to remedy that? Is he depressed? I think it's a factor of BOTH of those things.

He needs a job.. he needs a sport or Hobby... something that gets him moving around instead of moping around the house all the time.

I really think you don't have the courage to break up with this unemployed loser, girl. You are grabbing at straws trying to justify having a relationship with this bum.

Get rid of him and get a pet to cuddle with. Invest in some therapy. You will have a much better life ahead of you.

YOu deserve to have a happy and enjoyable life, not a miserable life supporting a porn addict. Remember addicts are always skilled liars.

Best wishes for a happy life ahead, :)

Sorry but I have to agree with Choux on this one .

Move on.
He is addicted to porn.
Tell him to tend to his collection of "sexy woman" (YOU) or get out.

Sorry, but he needs a real JOB!

I agree with what has been said. Tell this guy to man up or get the hell out!

-He has NO job? Is he even looking for one? What kind of bum are you supporting? You need to get him motivated or leave him. Tell him to pick one or the other!

Maybe he would have a sex drive IF he was not spending so much time looking at porn? He has no job right? How is he even paying for the internet? CUT HIM OFF.

He's an addict, plain and simple. I don't think there's any confusion here. He's way off the level.

Albeit is your perspective and not necessarily his, I do believe that you have tried to be as fair and as inclusive as possible in your post. From the way you've described things, he's what I call a table turner. He doesn't want to admit the extent of his problems, or perhaps to any of his problems, so he tries to turn the tables on you. Simply put, if the attention is on whatever he decides you're doing wrong, the attention is off him. This way you're at fault. This way you're to blame. And then you start wondering if he's right. You even doubt the right to confront these issues, which just happen to be destroying your relationship.

He doesn't seem to want to take responsibility for anything, be it in his adult life or in his relationship with you.

He might very well be depressed. He's certainly obsessed.

If you want to give things one last chance, at the very least, he needs to go into therapy and into an appropriate support group. You might also find yourselves in couples counseling. You should also count in the possibility of him relapsing in the future. There's a lot of work to be done, and you're going to have to decide if you're willing to be a part of that or if he's broken too much trust and too many ties with you to continue.

There are limits to how much a relationship (or a partner) can be expected to take. If he doesn't stop, I don't think you need to be there any longer. You're not even married. Tell him goodbye.

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Originally Posted by SimpleguyJoe

I agree with what has been said. Tell this guy to man up or get the hell out!

-He has NO job? Is he even looking for one? What kinda bum are you supporting? You need to get him motivated or leave him. Tell him to pick one or the other!

Maybe he would have a sex drive IF he was not spending so much time looking at porn? He has no job right? How is he even paying for the internet? CUT HIM OFF.

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"CUT HIM OFF." good idea.

I was just thinking the same thing. You pay for the internet, the cd's he's burning his pictures onto, the dvd's he's burning his movies onto, the chair he's sitting in while he masturbates in front of the screen you paid for, which is attached to the computer you bought, which turns on because of the electricity bills you're paying, in the house you pay for...

If you need to use that computer, put a password on it.

Why doesn't he have a job? I mean other than the fact that it would cut down on his porn time. It appears that he's using you.

I can't imagine his "collection" is worth anything, but you might as well sell it. Then you can say that he's been working to provide for his family. If no one wants to buy it, then toss it.

If he loves you more than he loves his porn, he'll stay. Otherwise, I'm sure he'll find some other woman to mooch off while he begins making his new collection from scratch.

Ignoring the problem will not fix it.

This guy doesn't seem to care much about your happiness or any of your other feelings whatsoever. Insulting you buys him time while you go off tearing your hair out trying to figure out what you're doing wrong. The only thing you're doing wrong is putting up with this bum as he is.

I also liked the recommendation about getting a pet instead. I'm sure you'd find yourself in a much more fulfilling relationship.

The only thing I can really say about this is that about 3 years ago, my boyfriend was the same way (not AS obsessed with porn) but he was definitely going on it a lot. It was like a phase or something. I was going crazy finding out about it and getting mad at him all the time and criticising him for it, and doing that just made it worse and he wouldn't even want me much sexually anymore and kept going to porn. I really think by letting him know its okay, you understand A LOT of people go to porn and that you just love him and you can give him as much as the girls on porn do, he will get better with it. Just let him know its okay and even if it does bother you, try to look past it and not let it get to you, and just stay calm with him. My boyfriend doesn't even go to porn anymore and our relationship is amazing. We rarely argue for like the past couple years, and we use to argue all the time. What Ive learned by it is that when I was getting mad at him for things and having short tempers, it would push him away. I am totally chill with everything now and don't let things get to me and he is like all about me now. I really think it will be the same way for you!

And my suggestions don't work, definitely end this relationship! It won't be worth it.

I don't think Porn has anything to do with this. THe fact he hasn't worked in two years tells me he's lazy... Its not possible he could not find SOME sort of job in that time.

He spends his days looking at porn because he doesn't work and he has a lot of free time... it could just as easily be watching the sports channel, playing video games or hanging out on the street corner with other lazy people.

Just because its porn doesn't automatically mean its an addiction.

Now with that said... I do agree he's a moocher. And you don't need to be supporting a moocher who doesn't think getting a job is important.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

I don't think Porn has anything to do with this. THe fact he hasn't worked in two years tells me he's lazy....Its not possible he could not find SOME sort of job in that time.

He spends his days looking at porn because he doesn't work and he has a lot of free time...it could just as easily be watching the sports channel, playing video games or hanging out on the street corner with other lazy people.

Just because its porn doesn't automatically mean its an addiction.

Now with that said...I do agree he's a moocher. And you don't need to be supporting a moocher who doesn't think getting a job is important.

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Part of me really wants to agree. I don't think that porn and addiction are inherently interchangeable. But this guy is looking at it all day and all night every day of the week. Plus, it sounds like he has completely replaced his girlfriend with pornography. She wants to talk about it, and that makes him angry and accusatory. I think he's beyond the point of what's normal or healthy. No doubt he needs to get a life. If he were replacing his wife with coffee, I'd be saying the same thing.

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Originally Posted by linnealand

part of me really wants to agree. i don't think that porn and addiction are inherently interchangeable. but this guy is looking at it all day and all night every day of the week. plus, it sounds like he has completely replaced his girlfriend with pornography. she wants to talk about it, and that makes him angry and accusatory. i think he's beyond the point of what's normal or healthy. no doubt he needs to get a life. if he were replacing his wife with coffee, i'd be saying the same thing.

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Let me explain why I don't see it as an addiction in this case.

The guys loafs around all day at home because he is too lazy to work. THat means he has a lot of free time to kill. He could do it watching TV, he could do it playing Computer games... or he can do it surfing free porn. He happened to pick that one.

Now since nobody said he had to rush home when they were out to get to his "Collection" that would be different.

If he was addicted he wouldn't be able to easily walk away from it for a period. I see it as his way of occupying his day since he doesn't have a job.

In the OPs posts I haven't seen signs of addiction... I only see a bored lazy guy filling up his day with something that doesn't bore him to death.

I'll be the first person here to say he needs to get off his butt and get a job (even if someone else already did suggest it) he has too darn much free time on his hands... but that's a separate issue.

smoothy, I really do adore and respect your opinions on a regular basis. You might be right.

Of course, we haven't been told why he doesn't have a job. For all we know, he might not have a job because he can't pull himself away from the computer long enough to get to the interview. This is, of course, barring the possibility of legitimate medical excuse.

Since the OP doesn't seem to have a problem with porn in general, I haven't gotten the feeling that she's outraged by it to the point that she can't tell the difference between what could be considered normal and what's really not.

To be honest, this is the first time I can remember seeing a thread on this topic and posting the possibility of addiction myself. I'm not a finger pointer by nature. I think the real truth of the matter will have to come from the OP herself. I hope she comes back with more information because without knowing more critical details, we can't really say for sure if it is or it isn't a formal addiction. My biggest concern, more than the time he dedicates to it, is the way he's responding (or not responding) to his partner. The porn seems to be getting in the way of a lot of important elements necessary to any romantic relationship.

If I were the OP, I'd be going with my gut. My own gut is telling me that this guy is a bum either way.

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Originally Posted by linnealand

smoothy, i really do adore and respect your opinions on a regular basis. you might be right.

of course, we haven't been told why he doesn't have a job. for all we know, he might not have a job because he can't pull himself away from the computer long enough to get to the interview. this is, of course, barring the possibility of legitimate medical excuse.

since the OP doesn't seem to have a problem with porn in general, i haven't gotten the feeling that she's outraged by it to the point that she can't tell the difference between what could be considered normal and what's really not.

to be honest, this is the first time i can remember seen a thread on this topic and posting the possibility of addiction. i'm not a finger pointer by nature. i think the real truth of the matter will have to come from the OP herself. i hope she comes back with more information because without knowing more critical details, we can't really say for sure if it is or it isn't a formal addiction. my biggest concern, more than the time he dedicates to it, is the way he's responding (or not responding) to his partner. the porn seems to be getting in the way of a lot of important elements necessary to any romantic relationship.

if i were the OP, i'd be going with my gut. my own gut is telling me that this guy is a bum either way.

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The extra information from the OP is a bit light... what she see's as not responding might be a simple case of misunderstanding... or it really might be more... we really do need more info from the OP to form a better opinion in this case.

There aren't all that many conditions that preclude work. I see at least one woman showing up for work in an electric wheelchair almost every day. He obviously isn't blind and I doubt he's paralyzed based on the OP's comments. If many Downs syndrome people can hold full time jobs then able body adults have no excuse.

Maybe he should get a job in a sex shop. I bet he'd be more inclined to get off his behind then.

Or at a sperm bank.

Or a store that sells chairs. I'm sure he has learned a lot about chairs.

Or maybe selling sweatpants. I imagine he wears a lot of those.

Ah, there are solutions everywhere. You just need to know where to look. *wink

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Originally Posted by linnealand

maybe he should get a job in a sex shop. i bet he'd be more inclined to get off his behind then.

or at a sperm bank.

or a store that sells chairs. i'm sure he has learned a lot about chairs.

or maybe selling sweatpants. i imagine he wears a lot of those.

ah, there are solutions everywhere. you just need to know where to look. *wink

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I'm not so sure we want his DNA being spread around via sperm banks (I think that should be reserved for the best examples)... but the others are good ideas.. :D

I would be more worried about him not working than the porn. I really don't think he is addicted either, lazy perhaps to an extreme.

My advice to you is not take this porn thing personally, as there is a deeper issue to deal with, and goes to him being motivated to do more for himself, and you.

So why does he have all this time on his hands, and is not at least looking for work??

I find it odd, you haven't expressed any frustration with that, as it's the real issue.

Okay. I'm back. I logged back in tonight to re-read and also catch any new responses.


There's a lot to say here... I don't know how to edit my first question.. so I thought I'd "answer" myself.. hope this works. I appreciate ALL the feedback I've gotten so far, and now, since it's happened again.. I see this in a new light.

"linnealand"? You ARE right. He's a "table turner". He did it last night. While I was downstairs, making a nice dinner, cleaning, showering, etc... he was UPSTAIRS "browsing". But when he came up behind me in the kitchen, hugging me, and telling me he was going to shower (sorry for the expliciteness here) but I could smell it on him,, that he had just "gotten off". I was furious. He was already in the shower, I waited till he got out. I told him, we had to talk. He got "THAT" look on his face.. I asked him outright, did you masturbate while you were upstairs? He just stated "None of your g-damned business", and got VERY defensive, and totally shut down, saying he wasn't having this conversation AGAIN. AND, that it was ME who had the problem, etc, etc, I won't go into the details, but you obviously can guess the dialogue. I kept asking him" don't you realize how this makes me feel???" over and over.. No response. For about an hour. He just sat and stared at the computer, and said "I have nothing to say". I finally got him away from that damned screen (no porn on it this time.. lol), and downstairs, where, he did the "table turning".. making it into HOW we have different ways of fighting and we need to work on THAT.? By now, I'm so hysterically angry, that Icould barely speak. He totally skimmed over the real issue and started in on "our different" communcation styles, etc. And how we need to each "give" a little, to "resolve" things. And on , on ad nauseum... I was exhausted. And starting to really feel like I was the one who had the problem here... but today I'm realizing that indeed... I am supporting the very thing that is making me crazy... his ability to watch, download, and burn porn. (oh , and after we had our "night", dinner, movies, etc... we were in bed, and I suggested sex.. couldn't help it.. guess I wanted to push a few buttons , in sheer frustration) Anyway, he got so mad that he leaped out of bed, and actually got into the car at 2:00 a.m... and drove off. He was home when I woke up at 6:00 a.m... and we haven't spoken since. I spent most of the day in bed, wondering what to do.. and probably starting the "breaking away" period. That's why I logged on again tonight.

Smoothy, thanks for you perspective.. it's always welcome. He does not have a job, because we live in a VERY high unemployement area... BUT he is NOT motivated ( yes you can insert lazy). He has two very, very part-time jobs.. but nothing that comes anywhere near paying the bills. We've talked about THIS , too. And he admits he's depressed and frustrated about that, and we finally found a place where he can get some re-training, etc. In reality he is very talented at a lot of things; but just can't follow through on anything; he's rejected most of my suggestions for businesses he could start, etc... stating
Health reasons (he has a chronic sinus condition, and migraines). No insurance though??

But that does NOT excuse any of this. It may play into it; but it doesn't excuse him for disrepecting me and making me feel like I'm having to beg for sex. There are other factors that may bring in more answers from people... I'm interested after you read this:

1. He was in a sexless marriage for about 2 years. Used porn as an outlet.
2. He has been honest with me about his porn "habit" even calling himself "somewhat addicted, or compulsive".
3. He has encouraged me to masturbate freely in front of him, or even when he's not there, siting masturbation as a "healthy thing".
4. In ALL other aspects of our relationship; he is kind, loving, very attentive and very much supportive of anything I do. He HAS helped me in many, many ways. I do love him and care about him, very much. Marriage has been discussed.
5. We met online... (but not a dating service or porn site or anything like that). Okay go ahead, rant and rave..
6. He left his wife because of our relationship; although when I met him, the marriage was already tanking and it's a friendly divorce. No kids involved.

Okay.. so now what? I'm realizing the real picture here. And wondering is this a "habit" that maybe he can break; now that he has a willing, loving partner? Do I give up the very, very good things I get out of this (and believe me, I do get so much from this man) he is not a loser; but a caring, loving person, who may be an addict... for this one issue. Is there anyone out there that has accepted something like this in a partner and moved on.. (amydawn, I think you said you had).. I'm weighing my options here.. at least starting to. And would like more feedback. You all have been very empathic and not quick to judge. I appreciate the honesty and thoughtfulness you put into your responses.

Thank you.

Lee

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Originally Posted by linnealand

maybe he should get a job in a sex shop. i bet he'd be more inclined to get off his behind then.

or at a sperm bank.

or a store that sells chairs. i'm sure he has learned a lot about chairs.

or maybe selling sweatpants. i imagine he wears a lot of those.

ah, there are solutions everywhere. you just need to know where to look. *wink

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And I must add, this and smoothy's response, made me laugh out loud...

Thanks for adding some humor into what really is a sad situation...

Lee