Ask Me Help Desk - Accused of cheating

My husband constently accuses me of having boyfriends and cheating. I so much as say hi to another man I'm accused of sleeping with him. I've never cheated and never given him the reason to think that I was cheating. Why does he continue to do this? I'm always telling him that I'm not cheating or he doesn't have to worry about me being with that person but he still accuses. We have been married for 13 years. He has just gotten this bad within the last year. I'm getting tired of it. I've gotten to were I don't want to call him or be around him because I'm tired of hearing it!

Could it be that he is the one cheating?

Like jjwoodhull said maybe he's the one cheating. Sounds weird that this happened within the last year. He never used to make comments like this until this year? Has anything happened to make him insecure?

My first instinct though is that he might be cheating. They say when someone accuses their significant other of cheating that they, themselves are cheating.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jjwoodhull

Could it be that he is the one cheating??

I'm not sure. He doesn't seem like the type but you just never know. It is always the one's you least expect! After we got married he would always wonder where I was or who I was with. If I went to the store and he thought I was gone too long he would start asking where I was and who I had went to see -stuff like that. I would just tell him I was at the store and he was being too paranoid. He would let it go. Now he won't let it go. He just goes on and on. It's like that is all he thinks about because when we are together that is all he wants to talk about. No matter what we try to have a conversation about he always has to throw the 'boyfriend' thing in there. I'm so sick of it! I've tried asking him why he thinks I've been cheating. He says I'm distant and that we never have sex. That is a lie. We have sex - and he gets it anytime he wants it. I never turn him down. Just this weekend I came onto him! I'm not distant. Occasionally I call him at work just to say Hi and see how his day is going. I have tried to make an extra effort to let him know that I love him and that he is the 'one'. Obviously - it's not working!

Maybe it's time for counseling. If neither of you are cheating then there must be something that you are doing or something inside of him that is making him behave this way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jjwoodhull

Maybe it's time for counseling. If neither of you are cheating then there must be something that you are doing or something inside of him that is making him behave this way.

I've thought of that. I don't think there is anything I can say to convince him to go to counseling.

If he doesn't want to go, then go without him. Maybe if he sees that you are serious about making your marriage work, then he will make more of an effort as well.

Two issues, the first has been covered to a degree and that is that he is either cheating on you or fantasizes about cheating on you. The argument is that he accuses you so much because he knows so much about it. If he never thought about another woman, it's not likely he would accuse you of thinking or being with another man, it simply wouldn't occur to him.

Another aspect of this it is a frontal assault, if he accuses you then he is on the offensive, you always on the defensive; he assumes that his actions towards you tell you that he is against cheating himself without explicitly stating it. You can't accuse him, because his frontal assault aggressiveness gives him the position of accuser first and it's unlikely you could overcome your defensive position and assume the offensive position; which leads to my comments on control...

The second is, control. This emotional abuse is directed at you because of his insecurities about himself and to him if he accuses you enough, scares you enough, in his mind you won't leave him for another man part-time or full-time. He doesn't realise that he is pushing you away (which, consciously or subconsciously he may want, especially if he does have another woman on the side or wants other women; but he is too coward to make the decision to end it with you, so he wants to make your life miserable enough to say enough), the harder he tries to hold on to you the less connected you both become to one another as evidenced by your seeking help on this board.

One thing to remember is that this is emotional abuse and I would seriously consider confronting him directly and telling him it has to stop. What is a relationship if you don't trust? To me with his type, if you tell him to stop or else you will leave, etc. the abuse will get worse; please be careful, have a friend close by if you plan to confront him (even in a nice way). Counselling is a great way to express your feelings in an environment where he can't take as much control. However, unless he truly cares, which in my humble opinion I don't think he does, no amount of counselling will help if he doesn't care enough to save the marriage/relationship.

Please be careful, you are being abused and I don't think you know it.

He is a control freak?
He is/has cheated?
He has a medical problem?
He has a mental problem?
He is insecure?
Pick one, and then ask him point blank what the problem is> If he refuses to answer or is vague with his answer, keep prodding until you get the real answer and then decide how then to proceed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TexasParent

Two issues, the first has been covered to a degree and that is that he is either cheating on you or fantasizes about cheating on you. The argument is that he accuses you so much because he knows so much about it. If he never thought about another woman, it's not likely he would accuse you of thinking or being with another man, it simply wouldn't occur to him.

Another aspect of this it is a frontal assault, if he accuses you then he is on the offensive, you always on the defensive; he assumes that his actions towards you tell you that he is against cheating himself without explicitly stating it. You can't accuse him, because his frontal assault aggressiveness gives him the position of accuser first and it's unlikely you could overcome your defensive position and assume the offensive position; which leads to my comments on control....

The second is, control. This emotional abuse is directed at you because of his insecurities about himself and to him if he accuses you enough, scares you enough, in his mind you won't leave him for another man part-time or full-time. He doesn't realise that he is pushing you away (which, consciously or subconsciously he may want, especially if he does have another woman on the side or wants other women; but he is too coward to make the descision to end it with you, so he wants to make your life miserable enough to say enough), the harder he tries to hold on to you the less connected you both become to one another as evidenced by your seeking help on this board.

One thing to remember is that this is emotional abuse and I would seriously consider confronting him directly and telling him it has to stop. What is a relationship if you don't trust? To me with his type, if you tell him to stop or else you will leave, etc. the abuse will get worse; please be careful, have a friend close by if you plan to confront him (even in a nice way). Counselling is a great way to express your feelings in an environment where he can't take as much control. However, unless he truly cares, which in my humble opinion I don't think he does, no amount of counselling will help if he doesn't care enough to save the marriage/relationship.

Please be careful, you are being abused and I don't think you know it.

I've been told that before. I denied it at first but now I'm beginning to see. It's not just that he accuses me of having affairs. It's everything! I feel like I can't do anything right! Today is his birthday. I always try to do something but it's never right. If I spend too much he makes me take it back. If I spend to little it's not good enough. If I don't get anything he mopes! He wanted a digital game camera, knowing that I couldn't spend a lot I got one of the cheaper ones. Well last night I gave it to him. He said it was too cheap, it looks cheap, it won't hold up. He said if I wanted then I could have it but that he didn't want it. I made him a coconut cake (his favorite). Made it last night. He didn't even eat a piece. I asked him again this morning if he wanted a piece. He said no that he had to get to work. He is so ungrateful! It's like this on any holiday! He's bad but always seems worse around the holiday's. I just feel like I can't do anything! Then this morning when he's getting ready for work he is yelling about his pants being wrinkled and they had lint on them. He tells me I'm lazy and I don't do anything around the house. I know you don't know me but I can tell you I'm a clean freak. I get up in the morning and do housework and laundry while I'm getting ready for work. Then I come home from work to do the same thing. It's usually 8:00 or 9:00 at night before I get a chance to sit down and then he won't let me watch T.V. I have 2 night's a week that I have a show (one show on Tues. one on Thurs.) One hour each. That's all I ask for. Last time I asked to watch my show he got all made threw the remote on the couch and went to bed. He claimed that he doesn't ever get to watch his show's that I always have the T.V. Then a little later on he came in and made the statement that he might as well sell the T.V. since he doesn't ever get it. WHAT DO I DO? This is driving me insane! He is older than me. We have been married for 13 years. It seems like the older he get's the worse he gets. His mother is kind of like this too. She fusses about everything - nothing seems to make her happy. Is it genetic?
Help!

I would like to know, is he a drinker? How much does he drink a week? If not a drinker, were his parents heavy drinkers? Were your parents drinkers?

I ask because there are some behavioral things going on that suggest drinking somewhere in the family or extended family.

If there is no drinking I will try and approach things from a different perspective.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TexasParent

I would like to know, is he a drinker? How much does he drink a week? If not a drinker, were his parents heavy drinkers? Were your parents drinkers?

I ask because there are some behavioral things going on that suggest drinking somewhere in the family or extended family.

If there is no drinking I will try and approach things from a different perspective.

Not really, I guess we would be classified as occasional drinkers. I may drink 3 or 4 drinks a year. He's the same. He may buy a 12 pack about 3 times a year. He really didn't know his real dad. His mom and step dad weren't drinkers. My mom's not. My dad drinks beer each day but he doesn't get drunk. I'm 32 and I've never seen my dad drunk. However, my husband has said before that his mom used to bar hop when he was little looking for a man. He stayed with his grandparents mostly during that time.

Kiss him on the forehead, tell him you love him, and let him know until he grows up, and acts his age, and treats you right, he sleeps on the couch.

Its important for him to know you will not tolerate his BS, and draw a line in the sand, and stick to it.

Pay attention to what he does about it, and if its not the right thing, and doesn't work for you, let him know.

Marriage is about agreeing on boundaries, and sticking to them. Doesn't matter what his mama taught him, or if he is crazy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TexasParent

I would like to know, is he a drinker? How much does he drink a week? If not a drinker, were his parents heavy drinkers? Were your parents drinkers?

I ask because there are some behavioral things going on that suggest drinking somewhere in the family or extended family.

If there is no drinking I will try and approach things from a different perspective.

TexasParent... I know all these messages were generated back in 2008... I don't even know if you are still on this site but wanted to message you. I was actually looking for a password to another website and stumbled on this one. I decided to pull it up and read it, just to see where my state of mind was. I just wanted to tell you and all the others 'Thank you'... I was very beat down at that time. My now ex-husband had/has issues. I never was able to find out for sure what or why he treated me like he did. We eventually did go to a counselor, mainly for me, I needed help. The emotional abuse (I now know and refused to believe that is what it was at that time) just continued to get worse, day by day and year after year. When I tried to confront him about the way he treated me he would get extremely defensive and violent. Honestly, I was afraid for my life there towards the end. I just wanted out and out alive! I ended up just telling him I needed a little space and moved in my mom and dad's camper, that was my first step out the door. I then asked for a divorce, in public where he could not harm me. I was so emotional beat down and scared that I had to see a counselor for awhile, she told me that with his type of personality and how he always accused me and blamed me of everything that I will constituently have to watch my back because something could happen and he may blame me and try to come after me. He did stalk me for a few months after I left him. However, I am in a much better place today. I'm happy! I'm scared to get married again, but I have a man in my life that treats me how I should be treated. He loves me and treats me with respect. When I left I had no idea where I would go or how I would survive on my own but knew I had to leave because I knew that was not how I wanted to spend the rest of my life!! I now listen and help other women (and men) that is in similar relationships. Thank you for your support and wise words! You all gave me the courage I needed! :-)

Thank you for your update and I am so glad you resolved your situation and on your way to finding happiness after such a life changing dilemma.

You showed much strength and courage and good orderly direction. Hats off to you and continued good fortune.