Our daughter is a 21 year old normally pleasant to others but we cannot get on with her at present. She did great exams, got into college, failed three times, caused a lot of stress but she is now doing another course which she loves and is living at home with her own car. The problem is, she is like a stranget to us she won't eat with us, sits in another room won't tidy her own room, leaves washing and ironing everywhere, takes my clothes and usually doesn't retun them, she works teaching music and at weekends so she has a good income but spends it on going out and takeaways and cigs. At present she has taken out a loan for car insurance which I know she won't repay and we are barely talking to each other. I feel she needs to take resonsibilty for herself but she won't listen, I have already asked her to leave the house a year ago which she did for two nights but I couldn't live with myself and brought her home again and since then she now feels that there is nothing we can do to her she has a sister who is the complete opposite and the only one in the house that she talks to we need help I love her to bits and so does her father but we can't live this way any longer

I guess you need to sit down with her and lay down some rules. 1) we are not your maid or servant. You are expected to take care of your own things.
2) You are expected to pay room and board.
3) you are expected to be courteous and civil to us. That includes what time you expect to be home at night. Don't care where you go or with who, just the courtesy of telling us when you expect to be home.
4) courtesy phone call to let us know if your plans change.
5) If you don' t want to live by these rules, there is the door, don't let it hit you in the ars on your way out. And mean it.

Ok, set your rules but if you are not strong enough to stand up to her, you will never get it better,

You had her out, you were going to force her to become responsible, but now it will be even harder to kick her out again

I hope that you did not co-sign for the loan. The others are right. You need to be firm about your rules and mean it. If you kick her out, don't let her back or she will never learn. I know, I have been through this.

She will come around when she herself figures her life out first. I was just like your daughter at that age. Now I am 25, getting married in five months, has a great paying job, bought a house, and has a car to take car of also. I look back to when I was 21 and I was a mess. I sometimes am in shock when I remember how I was, but love the fact that I grew up. My parents fought with me the whole time to get my act together, but I didn't listen until I was ready and willing to grow up for myself!! Good Luck