Hi, At my wits end, looking for some advise here.

I am an Indian and working in SE Asia. I am successful in my career and am 34 years old. My parents have been searching a bride for long to get me married but I always did not like any of them and couldn't get into arranged marriage. Currently I am seeing someone for the past six months and have positive feelings about her and would like to propose to her for marriage.

Now I am trying to broach this subject to my parents and hoping for their approval. The catch is this girl is Russian, totally different culture from Indian, and more on that she had been married once before but divorced quickly.

I have not said the divorced part to my parents and they were fine till then, but now I am telling them this and they are very disappointed and disagree saying why do u have to do this, is there no one left stuff.

I am totally confused and torn between feelings. Sorry about the long letter, but would really appreciate some advise.

Thanks

I'm not completely familiar with your culture. But could you invite your family and your lady friend to dinner together? Also does your girlfriend seem as serious about the relationship as you? Maybe your parents just need to see what a nice person she is, and how happy she make you!

Sounds a good idea but physically me and this girl are in SE Asia and my parents in India. And yes, the girl is also committed to this.

I can very well understand what you are feeling... and as I am aware of Indian culture I can say that what your parents are feeling is very justified on their part...
Now as this is your life and you should ask yourself this question that are you sure with this relationship or it is just that you being in a hurry and pressure of marriage that you want to marry that girl... also whether she is committed to you fully or is it that she also in a haste of settling down after divorce taking that decision... after clearing these questions just go for what your mind has to say and all will be well...
Also I would like to add if you have to continue job here and settle down in this country then there may not be any problem but going back to india and wanting them to accept this can take ages man..!.
Last thing that an arranged marriage is an equal risk as love marriage as the best and actual relationship can only be understood when you start living together in a bond of marriage...
All the best...

I am Indian and can understand your predicament. Basically, in our culture, once we get married, it is for life long. Even if there are differences, we make it work and stay happy. Divorce is a social taboo.

I can also understand why your parents are objecting, one of their fears maybe, since divorce is so common in some countries, they may be fearing that she may divorce you too in future if you develop any differences. Other thing is if she will follow the Indian tradition and culture which is so rich. Basically it is the "bahus" in the family which take the culture through generations.

Is there a way you can make them feel that this relationship is a life long commitment from you both? And if she is willing to do the basic traiditional things when she is with her in laws, then I guess your parents may agree.

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Originally Posted by wannatruth

I can very well understand what you are feeling....and as I am aware of Indian culture I can say that what your parents are feeling is very justified on their part...
now as this is your life and you should ask yourself this question that are you sure with this relationship or it is just that you being in a hurry and pressure of marriage that you want to marry that girl....also whether she is committed to you fully or is it that she also in a haste of settling down after divorce taking that decision....after clearing these questions just go for what your mind has to say and all will be well...
also i would like to add if you have to continue job here and settle down in this country then there may not be any problem but going back to india and wanting them to accept this can take ages man..!!.....
last thing that an arranged marriage is an equal risk as love marriage as the best and actual relationship can only be understood when you start living together in a bond of marriage....
all the best.....

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I thank you for the reply. You are absolutely right on the reasons emerging to this marriage situation- it is the pressure from my parents side as for my growing age (I'm 34) and not being able to like anyone in the arranged scenario, and also I feel the same is true from the Girl side as she is 33 now and wants a family and kids.

I'm just not able to figure out how to understand the commitment part. As far as I know she is committed but cannot say anything on her commitment towards the Indian tradition part.

But for the job, nothing is for sure in this world and I'm sure there will come days where we would all have to go back to homeland even if for sort periods.

As for the arranged marriage part- I see light in what you say it is very risky.

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Originally Posted by sasha_1

I am Indian and can understand your predicament. Basically, in our culture, once we get married, it is for life long. Even if there are differences, we make it work and stay happy. Divorce is a social taboo.

I can also understand why your parents are objecting, one of their fears maybe, since divorce is so common in some countries, they may be fearing that she may divorce you too in future if you develop any differences. Other thing is if she will follow the Indian tradition and culture which is so rich. Basically it is the "bahus" in the family which take the culture through generations.

Is there a way you can make them feel that this relationship is a life long commitment from you both? And if she is willing to do the basic traiditional things when she is with her in laws, then I guess your parents may agree.

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Thank you for your reply.

You are right in saying that. My sister has actually commented that she might do it again. But I feel it is always a gamble. Even arranged marriages can get messy and lead to divorce.

I am trying to understand which is the best way out of this. Do you think I should still give this sometime and not give into pressure, but it is only the impending age factor which is driving this decision.

Age is a big factor for us. What I feel from your post (please correct me if I am wrong), you are not at all comfortable with the concept of arranged marriage, basically deciding to spend your life time with a person you hardly know.

Even if you give this situation some time, it is not going to change. I would rather suggest you to do this... ask yourself that if this girl is the one you want to spend your life with, if both of you are going to stand for each other for better or worse. Whether it is arranged or love, every marriage requires compromises and adjustments from both the husband and wife. And are you both willing to do this. If yes, then you should go forward and your family will agree some day or other.

If you are just wanting to marry her because she is the only one you have met and liked and wanting to get married and settle down for the age factor, then I would say it may not be right in future. Can you take a couple of months leave and spend time in India, try to know the girls your family choose, and try to find out if you are compatible. I am sure you would like someone. Good luck!

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Originally Posted by sasha_1

Age is a big factor for us. What I feel from your post (please correct me if I am wrong), you are not at all comfortable with the concept of arranged marriage, basically deciding to spend your life time with a person you hardly know.

Even if you give this situation some time, it is not going to change. I would rather suggest you to do this... ask yourself that if this girl is the one you want to spend your life with, if both of you are going to stand for each other for better or worse. Whether it is arranged or love, every marriage requires compromises and adjustments from both the husband and wife. And are you both willing to do this. If yes, then you should go forward and your family will agree some day or other.

If you are just wanting to marry her because she is the only one you have met and liked and wanting to get married and settle down for the age factor, then I would say it may not be right in future. Can you take a couple of months leave and spend time in India, try to know the girls your family choose, and try to find out if you are compatible. I am sure you would like someone. Good luck!

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Thank You for the message. Yes, you are absolutely right that I am not very comfortable with marrying someone I would not know much about.

I agree that the reasons pointed should not be the ones to get married for. I like your idea of taking a break, maybe have to work it out.

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Currently I am seeing someone for the past six months and have positive feelings about her and would like to propose to her for marriage.

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Glad your with someone of your own choice, but the simple truth is, you don't have to do anything at this time, but let the relationship develop, and see what happens in a year or so.

Better to see if your two cultures will be blended well, and if other problems can be solved.

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she had been married once before but divorced quickly.

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Giving yourself time to do this right, will save many problems later, as you must recognize she has already had a failed marriage, and you need to make sure she is over it, and ready, before you take that leap.

Don't be in a hurry to go against family, and culture, until you have addressed knowing her better, and can be sure this is a good idea, with someone who is basically a stranger, and your getting to know each other better.

Take that time, for you both as even though you think your old, your both still pups, capable of making mistakes because you have an intense feeling for each other, and SEEM to be compatible.

You don't rush long term, life changing decisions, that will cause problems later, without a lot of careful thought.

If things are as great in a year or so, go for it, and work together on the issues you have.

Until then, have fun dating, and getting to know each other, and your ways. 6 months is nothing, no matter what culture your from.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Glad your with someone of your own choice, but the simple truth is, you don't have to do anything at this time, but let the relationship develop, and see what happens in a year or so.

Better to see if your two cultures will be blended well, and if other problems can be solved.



Giving yourself time to do this right, will save many problems later, as you must recognize she has already had a failed marriage, and you need to make sure she is over it, and ready, before you take that leap.

Don't be in a hurry to go against family, and culture, until you have addressed knowing her better, and can be sure this is a good idea, with someone who is basically a stranger, and your getting to know each other better.

Take that time, for you both as even though you think your old, your both still pups, capable of making mistakes because you have an intense feeling for each other, and SEEM to be compatible.

You don't rush long term, life changing decisions, that will cause problems later, without a lot of careful thought.

If things are as great in a year or so, go for it, and work together on the issues you have.

Until then, have fun dating, and getting to know each other, and your ways. 6 months is nothing, no matter what culture your from.

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Thank you very much for dissecting the solution here. I would give this much thought and act as you had advised. Hopefully things shuld be fine.