My boyfriend is 30, and I'm 21. We've been dating for 2 and 1/2 years now. When we first started dating, I told him I wanted to wait a month before we actually had sex. We messed around a lot during this time and it was amazing. We barely slept.
Then we had sex and it wasn't that great. I assumed it would get better. However, it rarely happened! I found out he had barely had sex in past relationships either and that according to him we had sex a lot. At best, we will have sex 4 times a month. Average however is once a month maybe.
We live together and we're constantly together-- I'd be impressed if he found a way to cheat on me, I don't think he could possibly find the time. I've asked him if he's gay, he says he's not. Every time I ask him why we don't have sex he gets very upset with me.
I know I'm physically attractive-- I get approached constantly. Yet he seems unattracted to me. In fact, the sexier I dress and more seductive I am, the more he freaks out. He says he's "intimidated by me."
This is making me incredibly depressed. He seems repelled by me. I can't stand the constant rejection.
However, I love him very very much. He says he loves me. He says he thinks I'm beautiful and that he wants to marry me. So what is going on?? He does seem depressed, but I get the sense that he's always had a low sex drive. He said in his last two year relationship he had sex only 3 times.
What do I do? Is it "usual" for some men just to have low sex drives? Or be so insecure that he doesn't want sex? I've tried talking, but he just gets mad... :(

There are so many possible reasons he does not want to have sex with you it is nearly impossible to list them all,
He is gay
He is intimidated
He has a medical condition
Stress at work
Stress at home
Family
Religion
Enough for a start?
I think you need to sit down with him and have an honest discussion with him and try to get at the root of the problem. It might mean a trip to the doctors for a complete physical checkup. Living with him might be the worst thing you can do. And if you want this relationship to progress farther you might simply need to resign yourself to sex once a year.

As stated above, many things affect sex drive... and sometimes its one "big" thing... while it could also be the sum of many "smaller" things.

He has told you he is intimidated by you. That can be a problem. I've always dated and been most attracted to women whod stand toe to toe with you to demand what they want. I like strong women, and a sexually "aggressive" (that does NOT mean easy) woman is attractive to me... nothing is sexier than a confident woman.

He doesn't have to share my perspective. To each their own. But I fear here you are going to be doing all the fretting, initiating, work, etc... and only you can decide if you are willing to do it.

My partner, now of ten years, has a lower drive than me. We are also on different "schedules" concerning prime time... meaning I love sex at night and she is a morning girl. I've done most of the compromising... we have less sex than id like, but we still have sex. She also tries her best to connect and be in the moment, even if she isn't as driven as I am. We've found middle ground that usually is firm enough footing for both of us. Sometimes I get cranky. Sometimes she does.

But it takes work and communication. Real, honest effort.

He has work to do. Period. It doesn't get easier the longer you are together. The "new shine" wears off, the mystery is gone... kids, if you have any, put a REAL crimp on sex... if we didn't plan, scheme, and work like hell to make time to "make time" it wouldn't happen.

So... I know you love him... I'm not sure you are sexually compatible. I don't know how important it is to him that he satiate you... right now, its not that important... he has placed his intimidation and anxiety at the top of the list, even if hed like to please you.

You get to choose where you are. If you choose to stay with him, you choose to be in this place. I know, that sounds harsh... but I had to walk away from two women I honestly loved because it wasn't quite right. Thank God I did... eventually I found my wife. And as stated, even now I don't have perfect overlap concerning sex... but there's enough that more than not, I'm pretty happy.

If nothing else, I have an honest belief my partner has my interests in mind... if she's too tired or distracted, well that's the outside world creeping into the bedroom. It happens.

So... as mentioned in the first post, many things can play into this. And it takes effort on his part, and a willingness to seek out the answers, to figure it out. Does he have lower hormone levels? That requires a doctors help. Does he have anxiety about performance from previous experiences? Is he depressed? What are the causes? Does he exercise? Drink too much? Meds? On and on and on...

Scour the threads here and you'll see others in your position. Is it "normal"... well, people don't come to the boards to complain that their bedroom life is too good... they come for help. Personal experience is that many relationships have areas where there isn't perfect overlap, as I mentioned before.

But I think a couple needs to be able to talk about several things... money, sex, goals, relationships... openly and honestly.

That he is unattentive and unwilling to talk about it is a Big Red Flag.

If you stay, make sure its because you accept this relationship in all its parts, and that you aren't just clinging to the security of the known.

There's an old saying about marriage... that a woman marries a man thinking he will change, but he doesn't... and that a man marries a woman thinking she will never change, but she does.

I think women are much better than most men at seeking out how to solve relationship issues. You might not get any more than you are getting now. Its OK for you to push, to ask, to demand that your needs and concerns are met and heard.

If you cannot ask that of your mate, who in the world can you ask?

If there isn't enough overlap concerning intimacy, sensual touch, and sexual connection... he might be a "great guy" who is going to leave you wanting, lonely, and frustrated.

It sounds to me, if he is telling the truth, that he is made to feel less manly by your dominance in the personality and looks departments.

The more you do to "up the sexy ante" , the more you are going to drive him away.

He may like a real toned down sexual experience, and that is a good thing, girl. Slow and personal. :)

This is my take on the situation,

Thanks everyone. Your advice was very helpful!
I think the advice you gave about my being too dominant was right on the money. It sounds weird, but every time I'm sick/crying/incapacitated he's the most aroused. He actually will initiate sex at these times... this isn't my ideal, but it explains a lot about what's going on. I know he feels very depressed and insecure, and I can either wait and help him through that and take the very "vanilla" sex when it comes, or I can leave. At this point I'd like to wait and help him through this time until maybe he realizes that I'm not as scary as he thinks, heh.
I'd still love any further advice though if this rings any bells.