I read a thread that was about a year old now and didn't want to post to it not knowing if there would ever be a hit on it.. So here is a fresh one... My relationship is just 18 months young... I'm left feeling mostly shot to hell and unattractive daily, feel as though I'm just on my knees begging for more attention or affection even intimacy.. ANYTHING.. I don't know what to do anymore, I've talked myself blue in the face using the nicest ways to put everything as to not make her feel bad.. It gets better for like once then right back to normal.. I have come to think that no one is capable of a permanent change that no matter what the situation they will change for a small amount of time just to suit that particular issue then go right back to normal.. I want to talk to sex therapists because I truly think that something is really wrong with me and that I'm not normal.. That maybe I'm Manic Depressive? I've even looked at different ways to lower my sex drive, I am so lost in this and sick of this subject coming up in my relationship.. I do love her and very much so in fact. I do anything and everything asked and even implied. I try to hear every little comment and listen intently to hear every word just looking for something else to do for her in hopes that it will get better.. Nothing yet.. Still waiting.. I feel like I'm losing myself in all of this, that I'm no longer me.. I often feel disgusted with myself, that I'm this horrible person for even thinking that we will tonight.. Then feel devastated when we don't.. I hate this feeling and I feel like I don't deserve to feel this way.. She never understands and thinks that I just want the act of it, that I'm just being another "guy".. I have mornings where I hope that God decides it’s my time to go and just *boom* have a car accident, I would never intentionally hurt myself *get that straight* but just sometimes I wouldn't mind being a car accident headline.. Sadly I think her life would get better without me in it.. That I've made our intimacy a chore for her.. And who in their right mind likes chores? I never have! This is my kenundrum of a daily part of my life.. Is there more people out there like me or am I alone is this? :eek:

You are wound of up so tight, I can see you need to relax about this.

But first, a simple question. About how often do you two make love?

(ala the woody allen film, "constantly, twice a week," or "almost never, twice a week.")

Maybe you aren't compatible sexually? Has she suffered past sexual trauma?

To answer you both.. First if I said nothing at all and just waited for her it would be once every 7 to 11 days as to where I find it hard to wait 2 days. Second, no she hasn't not that I know of. All she has said to me is that she has never had a sex drive and not with any of her partners.. I don't think we are compatible and that really bothers me as well.. I feel as though I'm drowning in emotion and alone in it to boot.. I am really at my wits end with all this..

Well, at least you both sound within the normal range. I just got out of a relationship where I was the person who wanted to make love practically every day and he couldn't care less. At one point after ten days, I brought it up and he said, "But we just did that!" It's only funny if it's not you.

I agree you two are pretty far off. I do sometimes wonder if rejection makes us want it more? That uncertainty of never knowing how long it's going to be makes you obsess a little? It does for me. And, also, I think once the other person starts to feel pressured and like it's a duty, problems arise. I wish I had a clear answer, but I do agree that different levels of interest in sex create constant tension in relationships. That's been my experience.

Frankly, I don't know why people who are dating stay together when they aren't compatible. That's what dating is for... to find a really good match for a long term relationship so both people are happy!

What a drag trying to "work things out" constantly with someone who is incompatible in the first place. Life is too short for that.

Time to move on.

Best wishes in the future, :)

First off I would like to thank everyone for their input, it feels good to just let it out and vent a little.

I don't want to give up, she has everything I want in life except this one apparently huge deal to me. Sadly to her this same issue is so minuscule in size that she has no comprehension as to why I feel the way I do and act the way I do. I don't want the cornerstone of my relationship to be sex, I think since I'm 27 and she being 24 we shouldn't be having these types of issues. I know of people twice our age that are far more involved with each other on an intimate level. Feeling the way I feel just scares me, the fact that when I feel that way it just makes me so much more susceptible to additional frustrations. You all should see me the day after we've been intimate. Its like I'm a totally different person and all of those things that would normally bother me don't exist. Like all of my stress has just disappeared. Then like clock work two days later it starts all over again... I really don't know what to do, I don't think this is healthy not even in the slightest but on the same token I don't want to lose her. She is such an amazing person and every way makes me happy except this one.. This is our Achilles' heel in my opinion..

Wow. I totally understand.

Being female, orgasms are more important than intimacy at times. It could well be that she is not having them. Faking it is easy for women. Worshipping her body and touching should be priorities, not the insertion of your penis.

I would least try to find out if she is having orgasms or is really enjoying the lovemaking. It may be hard to get her to tell the truth because she won't want to hurt your feelings or admit she's been deceiving you (if she has, which we don't know). But if it turned out she was not really getting much pleasure, it's possible that's something you could make better. Low hormone levels are another possibility. You need to convey to her that her apparent lack of physical interest is a huge deal for you and hurts you and you need her help to try to improve things. It has to feel like a joint project to her, not just "He thinks I'm broken and he wants to fix me." It's not easy.

We do understand about feeling totally different from day to day and I think we are about twice your age. :)

Take care

Thanks, I will definitely ask her about it.. I have often wondered about that too. If she enjoys the love making like I do. I enjoy and value my intimate time with her so much. I do try to talk to her about everything and just try my hardest to convey my feelings on this as best I can. I hardly ever come out of these conversations feeling better, like something was actually accomplished. Instead it is quite the opposite, I end up more confused and sometimes more frustrated than when we started talking. Also I feel as though she is just getting frustrated with me and that I keep bringing it up. I really want this to get better but at the same time I want her to want it as well. My best example is from the movie "The Break-Up" with Vince Vahn and Jennifer Aniston; where they were arguing about the doing of the dishes. I don't want her to want me because I want her to but instead to want me because she wants me. IE: I don't want pity sex or intimacy. Am I being reasonable or unreasonable? I'm so conflicted about that.

I am so very attracted to her and I don't have an attraction towards anyone else. Like I was trying to explain to her is there could be another woman that did something just regular or mundane and I would think nothing of it and then my girlfriend could do the same thing and to me it is so damn hot. She turns me on with literally everything she does. I only feel and see that with her though, no one else even sparks my interest; is this normal? I have a lot of questions, I really do..

Thanks again to everyone that has taken their time to listen and give me their feedback.

Pity sex is what many men get if their partner is faking enjoyment. Being incompatible with level of interest can also cause one of the partners to "do it" kind of when they don't feel like it.

I don't know her, but I've had plenty of conversations with girlfriends. Many, many women do not orgasm with their partner during regular intercourse. Maybe you could research female anatomy and try different things. The trouble is that every woman has different preferences.

Men who really pay attention to body language, and have the ability to act upon it during sessions of intimacy are rare. It sounds like you have the potential to be an incredible lover. Then again, perhaps she just isn't into sex like you are.

Imagine never having an orgasm during sex. You would not want to get all messy and wet that often.

I totally undertand where your coming from. I have realised that everything in life that you most want or most cherish, always seems to drift further and further away from us. The more we try to keep it to ourselves the more we begin to lose it... I have realised that this is the same with relationships. For examp, if I was to feel that someone is affectionate towards me and is always praising me on all the things I do (sex included) without me having to make any effort at all. That would make me feel very full of myself and I would probably even become ignorant towards her thinking that I'm some kind of sex god or somat and that she can't live without me... Its common and its in human nature to become full of ones self. The more you praise someone on whatever they do, whether it be sex or their beauty, they will eventually become full of themselves and become ignorant of the fact that you actually love them.. my advice would be that you should stop showing the amount of affection you have for her and see if she notices a difference. It may mean going on for over 10 or 11 days without sex, but go for it and try to last as long as you can without it, and give her a tasteof her own medicine and she will definitely begin to realise that leaving someone 'hanging' does hurt and hopefully it should improve here understanding of your feelings.! Hope it works out for you mate!! But listen your not the only one with that problem... so don't worry about it!!

I know from my experience, my husband will just satisfy me - not expecting anything. One night after I climaxed, he gave me a kiss and just cuddled, I asked if we were going to have sex, he said "no, I just wanted to pleasure you". That got my mind going and the next night we had a "great night", I made sure he felt real good, doing everything he liked and wanted. Maybe you should try just pleasing her and see how she responds. I just wanted to make him feel as good as he made me feel.

Hello all again,

Sorry for being so late on this thread but I've been undergoing the whole moving process. AT&T always finds a way to stretch out the installment of internet lol.. I have read everyone's comments and yes maybe I do praise her too much. I do it because I really do think these things about her and I want her to know that I see them and appreciate them. I have done the whole " I just want you to be happy tonight" but on the flip of that she is also very controlled when it comes to intimacy well just about every aspect of her life is; now that I think about it. This brings me to my next point of interest. She had seen the sex therapy discussion on Oprah and right after we had a big talk about the different ways we see things and what she wants. I think we came to a pretty healthy agreement about this very issue. See since she has so much control of her everyday life she doesn't want control of this. She wants me to be able to control her in the room and just sexually all together like the way I set up our dates. All I ask her for is a time of when she is available and I set everything up from there. Ok OK OK I have to get back to work.. Thanks everyone I will check back after a while.

You have been together 18 months, so how long have you lived together?

I doubt seriously if this is a recent thing, and suspect she has always been this way.

Quote:

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She wants me to be able to control her in the room

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That's easy enough, get what you need, and go watch TV.

(sounds like a concession to me, for you, not her)

Its like she is saying get yours, and don't worry about hers, ugh!

It really has been this way for the most part and no we don't live together. We try to be together as often as possible but with her work/school and my work it’s hard at times. We've agreed to not live together unless we were married because we feel that would lessen the act of getting married. That living together should be something to look forward to after marriage.. .
I just get irritated when we don’t match. We always look things so differently…

clplaster I think I can relate exactly to many of the feelings and issues you are experiencing. Talking to my girlfriend about our sex life issues only leaves me confused, fustrated, and feeling bad. I also desire those feelings of intamacy in a relationship. I've never have never met a female like the one mine has become. Thanks for your post and the advice your receiving and I'm hoping that it helps my relationship as well.

Hey BG,

It's nice to know that you're not the only one isn't it? The whole reason I started this thread was because I had honestly ran out of options, that no matter what I tried it wasn't working. I wanted to vent and also see if there was anyone out there that was going through anything like me. As well as to get some new advice, I'm sorry but pray about it or to just find someone to take care of what I'm lacking isn't going to fix anything. Then to make sure I wasn't alone in my problems. I'm relieved to know that I'm not alone but at the same time I really feel for anyone that feels like me.
I mean I love her with all my heart and never ever want to lose her; she brings so much happiness and light to my everyday life. Even now I get butterflies when I know she is coming in the room or over to my house. Just to see her makes me take a deep breath every time. It saddens me to know that I don't have that effect on her and that I probably never will. That if I were to walk away she would just take it in stride and move on, to feel like your feelings can mean so few to someone you care deeply for. I don't think she will ever understand me that I will always have this sense of loneliness. That we will never connect and that I will never be that person that just lights her fire. To lie next to someone but still feel alone is a very suffocating emotion.
Thanks again to everyone that has posted on this; I will continue to post because to me this is a very very functional outlet. To anyone that has similar issues please post what you have going on. Let this be your vent as well, being able to relate to someone is a must especially during times like these.

I think your in a good, and unique position really, as you can honestly express yourself, and expect an answer.

There is plenty of time to talk about things now rather than later so make sure she is as committed as you are and if not, you sure better adjust your thinking.

Never forget though that right now, your not married, and if she doesn't feel the same way, you can't change her.

But at least you'll get an idea of what to expect before you tie a knot. That's where the hard decision come in, so don't be discouraged yet, as there is plenty of time, to get some FACTS.

I always try to remind myself that just because it's in my head doesn't mean she knows it's there or that I'm feeling it. I used to think that way and for a while now I tell her how I feel and let her show me if what I feel and think matters to her. I don't trust words; I would rather see it in action. My being honest has caused a lot of arguments between us and that's where I get torn. If I feel that I have to argue to be with her then I don't want it. If she isn't in the moment then don't bother. I'm a very sentimental person and my intimate moments with her are so very meaningful and important to me. She has the power to control my mood, not that I gave her the power but more that I don't know how to take it back. She makes my world go around and I honestly feel as though it would stop if she weren't in it. I know that in the end the life we can have is worth it, it's just the getting there part.