I don't know what to do. I feel like my world is crashing down on me. Me and my husband have been together for seven years we meet in high school and fell for each other I was 15 1/2 and he was 17 1/2. We have only been married for 2 3years in march. We have a beautiful 2yr old boy. We have always had what you can consider a normal relationship which we argued every now and then mostly stupid things some big, but always bounced back a few min later or later that night. But the problem is lately for the past I'd say about 7 months we have been constintly fighting about things. I mean almost everything. We both can say some hurtfull things to each other which we have never done before. He calls me names says he's going to leave I retaliate and say mean things to him back like how is an (soory for language don't want to affend) to me lately , then he blames me for everything that we ever fight about and tells me I am a horriable person to sum it up. And yes I try to turn blame to him. Seems we have been playing the blame game. Like yesturday for instance we went to the bank when he got out of work to pull money out to pay rent and insurance. When he handed me the money from the drive threw ATM I started counting it and separating the rent from the insurance so I could see what was left. The windows to the truck were open and I had the money under my leg while I was counting and he slammed on the brakes rolls up the window and started yelling at me that I am retarted and that the money could blow away which I did not argue about I out the money under my butt so I could just jump out and pay and I rolled the window back down. He got pissed and kept yelling how big of a retard I am and how I am like my brother mind you who is a dumb minded person who is 30 lives with my mother has a worrent for skipping out on probation for a drug charge and has no common scence what so ever. So I told him to go f himself that I was nothing like him. He pulled the truck over to the side of the road and told me to get out. WHen I refused to he said fine he would just take me home and cancell the plans he had at my moms house (it was halloween) and when I said no don't do that I don't want to go home he said he would do whatever he wanted and that he was done with me ( which he says alot) and then he said I ruin all holidays for him. Which is not true at all cause this was only the second time in 7 years that we fought on a holiday. But anyhow he went to drop me off and instead of pulling in the drive way he sped up past the house did a u turn and left and said hed drop me off at my moms and hell go to his parents house. When he stopped at the stop sign on my street I told him him I was getting out and going home when I opend the door and went to step out he said oh no and purposly hit the gas and I almost fell. I know he did it intentionally because there were cars still coming. Mind you this whole time his best friend and my son were in the truck with us. We went the trest of the day without talking about what happened and did what we originally were going to do have halloween with my mom and her youngin. Actually we didn't speak at all and I work night from 11pm-7am and when I left for work and said goodbye he didn't answer. I don't know I feel like our marriage is over cause its like that all the time. I really lovwe him but if I am always responsiable for our fights and if I ruin all his holidays and if I'm like he says then why is he with me I didn't know I want the fighting to stop now granted we can go 2 weeks without it and I am very careful of what I do and say but I cannot win. I am so torn up and depressed I sit here at work ( night audit at hotel) by myself and cry. I am depressed trying to figure what I did wrong to cause this. Please help would it be best to say hey hom we need to talk I am leaving you or keep trying to make it work by avoiding being me and tip toeing around him.

We save our worst behaviors for those we claim to love the most. Isn't that odd? But we see it every day.

You need counseling. You need someone impartial who can listen to your arguments and give you honest unbiased feedback. I am sure one or both of you isn't open to that right now.
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So, that just leaves you. You can't change the way he's treating you. Period. Can't be done. He's acting naturally and on instinct, as are you most of the time. Unfortunately, you're at that critical stage in marriage when you guys need to relearn how to treat each other like strangers.

He calls you retarded? That's an extreme anger. It didn't start there, did it? You two built up to "retarded" and "f-off", didn't you? Well, it's up to you to change the course. You can get this guy to act the way you want, the way you need, but you can't do it in a head on battle. You have to be a little manipulative and come at it from the side. Yes, manipulation is a bad word, but this is for a good cause, right?

Look, start by just watching yourself. You need to override your own mouth. You need to reign in the anger and the need to be right. If he is going to stop treating you the way he is doing, it's going to be because he guilts himself into stopping. For that to happen, you will have to not be acting like him.

So start thinking about your husband (as best you can) like you would a stranger you were trying to impress. Forced civility, if you will. Like a boss you had trouble getting along with but still need to get along with, or perhaps simply like a new boyfriend who is sensitive and you still have to "court him" to keep him interested in you. You remember those early days.

You will have to find ways to bolster up your husband's ego. I know, that sounds awful, but you're his wife. You have no idea how powerful encouraging, admiring and sincere cheerleading words have on a man coming from his own mate/family. It won't be evident at first, but it can't be helped. We can't help but want more praise when we start getting it. We all crave admiration. It's human nature.

Even when you're fighting about something, you have to find a way to admit your part, ignore the mean stuff, and find some way to compliment him, if possible. Not only will it totally confuse him if he calls you retarded and you not only don't get mad, you seem to have not heard that part at all and are just thanking him for his continued "overprotectedness"... or something silly like that you think you can sell at the moment.

I know this sounds juvenile, but over a short period, less than 2 months usually, it should have a noticeable effect. Seriously.

This is just a first idea to help. Counseling would help immensely. But in the meantime, this will allow you to start changing the course of the river you're on, since you're in charge of your paddle... paddle in another direction. Paddle towards the relationship you want by demonstrating the behavior you want rather than arguing about it. You do it first. You mean it. You lead the way, and beckon him to join you.

You can do it. Pride is fine, but a fixed marriage is better.

Tarah, if you're serious about this, click on my name to the left here and send me a Private Message or an email so I can forward you some reading material sources you might be interested in.

The faults in this relationship are becoming apparent, and some adjustments need to be made by you both.

Simply put its time for more work, and more efforts from you both to work together through communications to redefine the rules, and boundaries of this relationship, and work on some coping skills such as how you argue and resolve issues, and how you deal with anger, and stress as we all go through hard to explain times.

A counselor, or trained third party would be a way to accomplish this, for you both or one of you.

Another good idea I think is to take a vacation from each other, let the emotional dust settle, and relate to each other in a much calmer way.

I think all couple get on each others nerves at one time or another, no shame in that, but the way we deal with it is what makes the difference.

Relationships grow, and change, as the partners do, with different problems, and stresses coming all the time. The key is to work together, and make the right adjustments for you both to grow, and be happy.

Talk and listen, with love and patience. You will see whats really bothering you both.