Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend has low sex drive

Quote:

Originally Posted by psychman09

My girlfriend and I have been dating for close to eight months now ..... I would love any real advice that could help. Why Doesn't My Girlfriend Seem To Want To Have Sex With Me?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...ex-177840.html

Hey, I've been trawling the internet today to figure some stuff out. This post is exactly - I could have written it - the problem I have been having.

I had been with my girlfriend for nearly 2 years and split up today, perhaps not for good. I'm still in love with her, but agree that we are more very good friends. We have sex on average 2 or 3 times a month, and there's no other sexual things going on between. There has never been a time where we have been at it like rabbits. I have tried and brought up the problem on several occasions.

I would like to know how you got on seen as it was 10 months ago... please reply!

Matt

I just wanted to let you know that I sent a private message to the poster of the original thread to let him know you're asking this question. I hope he can come back to help you!

I know this is a common problem, and it's not always so easy to solve. Also, I'm sorry about your break-up.

Thanks, I was trying to do that.

Matt

I spent the first 10 years of my marriage this way. I must say that mine was very linked to hormones. Did not know it at the time and the solution was found quite by accident. This is just my experience. Hope it helps.

Glad to see I'm not the only one with this problem. I've been dating for her for over 3 years and the problem has become worse over the years and I am beginning to believe that it is going to be a bigger problem than I anticipated... We've talked about it over and over. So many people are getting married around me and my time will soon come... However I begin to ask myself about my need and perhaps that this problem is more common than I think... Thoughts... Experiences... I'm young and I feel like I'm dating an old maid!!

How long do you intend to date her? Maybe she is tired of giving you free sex and what ever else she is doing for you for free. Have you considered marriage? Have you even considered a medical problem? If you really loved this girl sex would be the last thing on your mind.

Quote:

Originally Posted by seekingwisdom

Glad to see I'm not the only one with this problem. I've been dating for her for over 3 years and the problem has become worse over the years and I am beginning to believe that it is going to be a bigger problem than I anticipated... We've talked about it over and over. So many people are getting married around me and my time will soon come... However i begin to ask myself about my need and perhaps that this problem is more common than I think... Thoughts.... Experiences... I'm young and I feel like I'm dating an old maid!!!!

Join the club. From the sheer number of threads on this issue, I think it's safe to say that it's a fairly common problem.

I once heard someone say that when a relationship is healthy, sex is 10% of it, but when there are problems with the sexual relationship, sex seems like it becomes 90% of it.

I know exactly what you mean about wanting to take the next step but being afraid that you'll be dedicating yourself to a sexless marriage for the rest of your life.

If you can get your partner to go to couples counseling with you, you might have a better shot. If she won't, you'll have a very tough choice to make. I'm with you on this. I have a similar situation myself.

450donn, getting married wouldn't solve this problem. I think it's completely possible to love someone profoundly but still have a big problem if there's little to no sex in the picture. There are certain needs that ought to be fulfilled in an intimate relationship. Beyond the physical side of things, sex does a lot to connect a couple in ways that are completely different from the intimacy and friendship experienced outside the bedroom.

My biggest issue with partners who don't care to be physical in their relationships is that they aren't putting enough consideration into the needs and emotional desires of their significant other. I think it's also very selfish in many ways, and I don't understand it. With everything else, I would expect each partner to be involved in keeping the other one's needs in check, and like it or not, sex is part of that. Otherwise, it just appears to be a very intimate friendship.

Lots of things play into libido... and sometimes it's the sum of a number of small things... or it could simply be that sex is less "valued" by her... that doesn't mean its wrong, but it doesn't mean its right for you either.

Libido can be affected by many things. Lack of good sleep (not just hours, but quality sleep), exhaustion, anxiety, stress, depression, poor fitness, mental blocks, past experiences, etc.

The post that mentioned hormone imbalances thrilled me. I think this is one area that is largely ignored and I was glad to not be the first in line to mention it.

I've said over and over here on the board that its tough sometimes to find balance... I firmly believe when a person decides to stay with someone that they might not be compatible with, that you need to own your decision to stay. My partners drive is lower than mine and I always have to initiate. I'm greatly responsive to a woman wholl push me to the wall and demand attention now. Its how I'm wired. But at some point I had to say "i choose to be here, so i choose to work within this context"...

That does NOT mean I roll over and take whatever scraps are handed out to me. I don't get sex as often as id like, or even when I'm most primed, and I get p!ssy about it from time to time... but I also talk to my partner openly, and for the most part, we've found some middle ground. I don't take "not right now" as a personal rejection if she's just dog tired or distracted, and she knows if I'm pressing the issue its not because I'm trying to just get laid... that a strong physical connection soothes me, calms me, centers me.

One of the best books I've read was Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman... its an easy read, didn't drive me nuts, and a short enough book. Basically talked about the ways in which couples try to show commitment to each other. Turns out that I crave physical touch and a distant second is affirmation (words of encouragement) and I try to act through physical touch and acts of service (doing things around the house)... where my lover desires affirmation and quality time before physical touch.

What does this have to do with you? Well... it means if you can understand what drives you and what drives her... and you both can talk about it, perhaps you can see the other persons position and find that elusive middle ground.

I read that book at a time when I kept telling my partner "you pay no attention to me" and then she said it back... so... if we both are looking for attention and both thinking the other isn't interested, there's some systematic issue present. After talking, things got better. I still don't have sex as often as id like, but there's more balance.

Now is the time to work things out... the sooner you can openly talk about sex, money, goals, desires, etc... the better. If talking about sex get you nowhere, and if she's just not responsive to your natural drive, you might be with a great woman who is sexually incompatible.

Or not... another angle to consider is how much more difficult it can be, in some, but not all, cases to get a woman to orgasm. If sex is just her servicing you, where is the payoff? I'm not saying you are a bad lover... I am saying perhaps she isn't being as up front as she needs to be. Are her needs being met. Do you ever perform oral on her? Ever make it all about her? Does she ever self stimulate during sex? Might not be this at all... but more than one woman has come onto the boards here saying they have extreme difficulty reaching orgasm and are frustrated. Good sex sometimes takes open communication and discussion.

One of the most common books I mention here is She Comes First, by Ian Kerner. I have many other books, but this one is a nice, easy read that isn't "icky" as some books can be. Its about satiating the woman, mostly through oral, talks about tips, tricks, and how a woman's body responds to stimulation. Getting this book might be a way to connect with her. You read it, ask her to read it and talk about it. Sharing books on sex is a great way, in my opinion, to talk about issues without it being a "well YOU dont" situation... you are talking about the book, not necessarily each others "flaws"...

And personally, sharing books has been one of the most important activities I've done to keep and maintain a solid relationship. We've shared books about finances and money. Books about sex and sensual touch. Books about relationships. etc...

And if she's receptive to that one, you can then introduce her to his follow-up He Comes Next, talking about reaching the male orgasm... sounds like a good plan to me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by linnealand

450donn, getting married wouldn't solve this problem. i think it's completely possible to love someone profoundly but still have a big problem if there's little to no sex in the picture. there are certain needs that ought to be fulfilled in an intimate relationship. beyond the physical side of things, sex does a lot to connect a couple in ways that are completely different from the intimacy and friendship experienced outside the bedroom.

Guess what I was trying to say did not come across very well. I was trying to tell the OP that MAYBE she has decided that since marriage was not forth coming that sex would end too. See I am from the old school, sex comes after marriage. That aside, maybe she has simply given up on this relationship because of the lack of commitment. And her way of showing that is to remove herself from sexual contact? Like I was trying to say, there are many reasons for low sex drive, hormones among them. Pressure at work, pressure from family and friends to move on if this relationship is not going to go any farther. See what I was trying to drive at?

Quote:

Originally Posted by 450donn

Guess what I was trying to say did not come across very well. I was trying to tell the OP that MAYBE she has decided that since marriage was not forth coming that sex would end too. See I am from the old school, sex comes after marriage. That aside, maybe she has simply given up on this relationship because of the lack of commitment. And her way of showing that is to remove herself from sexual contact? Like I was trying to say, there are many reasons for low sex drive, hormones among them. Pressure at work, pressure from family and friends to move on if this relationship is not going to go any farther. See what I was trying to drive at?

450donn, I understand your first argument, and I'm sure there are others, including young people, who would agree with that idea. It's not impossible. It really depends on her opinions about relationships and marriage. I'm sure the OP has some perspective on how she feels about these things. We'll see if he thinks it might apply.

For the record, I don't think you were really trying to say that marriage will solve all of your problems. Just the same, there are people out there who do.

Now I'm curious about the hormonal idea. It certainly sounds like it could make sense for many people. If they're out of whack, many things follow.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 450donn

Guess what I was trying to say did not come across very well. I was trying to tell the OP that MAYBE she has decided that since marriage was not forth coming that sex would end too. See I am from the old school, sex comes after marriage. That aside, maybe she has simply given up on this relationship because of the lack of commitment. And her way of showing that is to remove herself from sexual contact? Like I was trying to say, there are many reasons for low sex drive, hormones among them. Pressure at work, pressure from family and friends to move on if this relationship is not going to go any farther. See what I was trying to drive at?

That statement makes a lot of sense... I've seen and heard about exactly that over the years with some women I knew who did exactly that.

Mostly because they were dating or living with guys who wanted dessert but didn't want the main course... and they got wise to it.