I have been living with a guy for almost a year now and care about him a lot. There was someone else before we got together. The first guy and I just saw each other occasionally and texted back and forth-but never had sex. I still did it even though I moved in with this other guy.

The first guy and I saw each other a couple times and continued to text mainly about our lives and talk dirty to each other as well. One day he finally told me where he lived and invited me over at lunch time. We had sex and it was so intense and passionate-I absolutely loved it and so did he. Now whenever he works from home he lets me know and I go over at lunch. We are just "f" buddies and I like it that way and so does he.

The first guy doesn't know I currently live with someone so I am lying to both of them. I do feel a little guilty, but not really.

I just got out of a 23 year marriage where I was very faithful and now feel I am free to do as I please. I have a good relationship with the one I live with except for the sex part-not that great or passionate (just sex) basically. So I feel I am getting the best of both worlds. We do use protection by the way...

I used to be so into being faithful and you shouldn't lie to your partner. I feel I should have fun now. Is this a bad thing?

Put the shoe on the other foot. Picture the other guy in your life you care about doing this to you? How would you feel.

You are living with him... not his roommate. There is a distinct difference between them.

Keep the old addage in mind.

"Whats good for the goose is good for the gander"

I see several problems here. One you just ended a 23 year marriage and have already moved in with some guy? After 23 years you need, no MUST live on your own for at least two years before you are even close to emotionally being ready for another relationship. I suggest that you move to a place of your own and fast. Then consider learning about yourself before you consider sex with anyone. Sex for sex sake is meaningless sex and from your post I am guessing you are using sex to get what you want. Free rent, free food, a chance at the good life, whatever the heck that means?

Yes, it is a bad thing. Unless you have very clear rules to the contrary, cohabitation definitely implies monogamy. You are free to go out and sleep with whomever you want, but you don't have the right to do that if you're lying to them. Lying and deceiving are wrong, period.

So, in my opinion, you either need to stop seeing the first guy, or you have to change the rules with the guy you're living with. Of course, I would be very surprised if the guy you're living with would accept those rules. It would probably end in a break-up from his side. But since you don't seem to have all that much respect for him in the first place (because if you did, you wouldn't be lying or cheating on him), it's probably the best option anyway.

I think it is *just fine* for you to have a terrific sex life as long as you can keep it all straight. :) After all, you are a mature woman; you can do what you want to do as long as you don't get or spread any disease.

Make sure you don't get the urge to confess to either of them!. no confession allowed, no game playing.

OH, and don't get engaged to either of them. As long as you are not engaged(pledges monogamy), you are honest and can do what you want to.

Time is a-passin'

LIve Life!
Love LIfe!

I think it wrong, I'm sure you know it too.

I do not support your reasoning in that you were faithful for X amount of years and now you are deserving of fun. You are hurting people, could not the same be said for criminal activity?

I'd end it and tell the truth.

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Originally Posted by Choux

I think it is *just fine* for you to have a terrific sex life as long as you can keep it all straight. :) After all, you are a mature woman; you can do what you want to do as long as you don't get or spread any disease.

Make sure you don't get the urge to confess to either of them!....no confession allowed, no game playing.

OH, and don't get engaged to either of them. As long as you are not engaged(pledges monogamy), you are honest and can do what you want to.

Time is a-passin'

LIve Life!
Love LIfe!

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I don't see how being 40+ (or 50+ or 60+) means that it's okay to cheat. That's all this is about. The post should say: I'm cheating on 2 people, one of whom I'm living with, and I don't feel guilty about it. Oh, I used to be a faithful person, and I was married once. So why should I care? Actually, that is basically what it says.

Although there will be people who disagree with my take on this, I don't see the confession as necessary as I think that ending at least half of it is (unless an std is in the picture). Of course, if I were either of those guys, I would most certainly like to know what kind of person (or mindset) I was really dealing with.

If she wants to date or have sex with different people, that's up to her. But she still has to be up front about it.

Lying, cheating and deceitfulness are wrong at any age. I don't see where the justifications come into play...

You are too emotional and unsophisticated, lin.

If she is not engaged, she hasn't pledged to be monogamous; she is a grown woman and can do what she enjoys.

I am a grown woman and know how to make decisions. I know that I want to be happy and seeing two different people makes me very happy and content. They both have different things I like about them and are totally different. One is a very rough and down and dirty honest hard working country boy and the other a highly educated man. I can be myself around either one of them and feel totally comfortable.

The one I live with and I used to argue a lot when it came to initimacy and he has trouble with it because he never really knew how to be close and intimate. I tried showing him and explaining to him and he just has no interest at all. The other one is very good at it and so I am happy with both guys.

Why can men sleep with more than one person and that is OK, but a woman can't? That I will never understand.

I like everyone's opinion and appreciate your answers.

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Originally Posted by Choux

You are too emotional and unsophisticated, lin.

If she is not engaged, she hasn't pledged to be monogamous; she is a grown woman and can do what she enjoys.

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I don't agree here. She may no be engaged... but she is living with and sleeping with a man, not merely roommates with a man where she has her own room pays half the rent and has no sexual relationship him.

That implies a relationship. And that sort of relationship is beyond casual dating and thus implies monogamy to most people.

True she is an adult and can do what she wishes. But that doesn't make it right, or moral. If she wan't to go bed hopping she needs to move out and rent her own place. Otherwise she is playing the worst sort of game on the guy she is living and sleeping with.

Choux is right. However, the rights and wrongs of the world interfere with the exploration of self, sex and life experience. The answer to this question is in the heart.

If all people were honest and loving, there would be no need for "rules." Asking such a question is asking for right and wrong to be slung at you like clods of dirt. The world we currently live in is pretty black and white, like opinions.

Roomates don't share a bed. Benefits or not. When that bed and bedroom are shared on a daily basis monogamy is implied.

18 or 58 it still applies.

With STD's out there she is risking this mans health because he is not aware she is out there sleeping around then coming home to him. He has a legitimate say in this as its HIS house she is staying at. She is hiding this from him.

Personally I'd toss her bags out on the street if it was me. There would be no excuse for it I would accept. If he was aware of it and agreed to it then it would be different. He has done neither. Man#2 could obviously care less. He gets a piece of tail and has nothing invested. Man #1 has to look at her every day. TO me that's the ultimate in deception. No different than a wife or fiancée running around. Living together is vastly different than casual dating... and only a gnats hair from engaged.

If she wants to sleep with both... get her own place, Don't mooch off this guy (paying by sex is still mooching to me) and run around behind his back.

A responsible adult would tell them both and deal with whatever happens. Deception isn't part of being a responsible adult if doing the right thing is important..

Additionally, if she manages to get knocked up by Man #2... she tells Man #1 its his and in a paternity case they might very well assume its Man #1's kid, He might believe it is as well and not insist on a DNA test. Thus Man #1 gets shafted raising another mans child or paying child support.

It's a definite possibility. And I have known men in exactly that situation... who are being forced by the State of Virginia to pay child support for a kid that DNA tests prove is not theirs... and that they have not adopted. One is Sitting in jail rather than pay for a kid that's clearly not his, DNA has proven its positively NOT his. And yes this is in the State of Virginia, and is happening right now..

OK... so if I moved out and got my own place, I would still see both of them and not let the other know... so what good would that do?
Guys are more emotional than girls I think and get hurt more easily sometimes... seen too much of that before. They all try to be tough and maucho but have big hearts just like girls and can get hurt too that is why I have been quiet about it.
P.S. I just went to the doctor and have no diseases and do use protection every time.

There are a lot of fierce answers above and mine is more simple. Move out. I don't think it's a good idea in the slightest honostly. If you've moved in with the guy and already, you're CHEATING (that's what it is) you obviously aren't ready. I don't want to be offensive but really, be realistic. What if that guy you LIVE with finds out. What then? Opologise and say you'll be a good girl? In the long run, who are you going to be with more? Maybe not MARRIED but what do you plan on doing? I mean, 23 years of marriage? That's a lot. Maybe you should lay low for a while. Chill out. Have those flings that you really want to have. When you get it off your chest. Move back in with the uy who MEANS something to you. Instead of being with and maybe even hurt him. It's not all you yeah know. It's other peoples feelings your dealing with. The world is NOT your playground. It belongs to other people too. Respect that. Respect that the man you live with is a person not livestock to your picking.

You are playing a game. Fun I know, for now. If you tell yourself the truth, love both men as the falliable and emotional creatures that they are, hurting them, even in theory (if they never find out) is not love. It follows then, that you do not love yourself.

You are using them. If that is who you want to be, you are also using yourself. Guess what, it's legal.

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Originally Posted by Annabelle789123

ok....so if i moved out and got my own place, I would still see both of them and not let the other know....so what good would that do?
Guys are more emotional than girls I think and get hurt more easily sometimes...seen too much of that before. They all try to be tough and maucho but have big hearts just like girls and can get hurt too that is why i have been quiet about it.
P.S. I just went to the doctor and have no diseases and do use protection every time.

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If you moved out and dated both unless you implied a monogamous relationship with either man then as an adult its fair game. Its just dating...

I don't think guys on average get hurt any easier than the average woman... but once you live together then that's taking the relationship to the next level. And both men and women will expect a bit more. No its not engaged... but its as close as you will get. In some states 5-7 years of living together gets you a common law marriage. Even if you don't want it.


And yeah... the topic hits me pretty close to home for several reasons, I've been there and have good friends that have as well.

Like I said, I think you're more than allowed to sleep with however many people you want. That's not the question. The question is whether it's okay to be in a relationship with someone and sleep with other people at the same time. The answer is that, unless you have a mutual understanding, at least with the person you're living with, then no, it isn't okay.

If you were to tell the man you're living with that you're sleeping with someone else on the side, would he be fine with that? If not, and if he doesn't have the information he should have in making his own decisions about his life and relationships, then no, it isn't okay. If you want to have an open relationship, and if he's okay with that, well, it's a completely different story. But as things appear, at least to me, your relationship has been based on the idea of monogamy. Did you consider the fact that he might want to be sleeping with other women too? Just because you don't think he's the best lover in the world doesn't mean other women wouldn't enjoy his company in their beds.

I don't know who told you that it's okay for men to sleep with more than one person if they're in a normal relationship, but that person was apparently misinformed. On the other hand, both men and women are allowed to sleep with as many people as they want if they're honest about their actions. You can still be discreet. And frankly, sometimes these things are simply unspoken and understood.

Also, I don't know who said that you have to be engaged or married to have a monogamous relationship. In fact, I would think that the majority of people in relationships in general would have a very big problem with their significant other if they had a f-buddy at lunchtime. I think that living with someone, unless other rules are clear, is certainly enough to at least imply monogamy.

To totally honest, part of me is wondering if this post is even real or not. I mean, who doesn't know that this kind of behavior is wrong? If you don't think there's anything wrong with what you're doing, then why are you asking about it?

Then again, I don't know who said that cheating and sophistication go hand in hand. Well, that is, unless you are applying the word in its use as "impairment or debasement, as of purity or genuineness" or "the use of sophistry; a sophism, quibble, or fallacious argument." that was entirely sophomoric of me, but I can't help myself. If I want it, I can just do it, right? The inability to practice self-control (I. e. as far as this conversation goes, saying one thing and doing another just because it feels good) is much more emotional than saying that cheating is wrong.

No one is wondering if you're happy with both men. Obviously you are, because you keep going back to them. But I wonder how happy they would be with you if they found out that you weren't being honest about your affairs. So, again, if you have a formal understanding with the person you're living with, it's one thing. But if you don't, it is entirely different, no matter how you want to dress it up. You know that quote about putting lipstick on a pig? An affair is still an affair.

I understand that after all those years as a married and faithful woman, you want to play the field. Go for it! But I do think you that you still have to be respectful of others while doing it.

I think it is simple. Each person deserves to know if you are seeing/sleeping with other people. I think it is selfish and deceitful.

What's the harm in saying you are seeing other people? It's the harm that is done when they find out later from someone else.

I am sterilized so I cannot get pregnant. That is something I did immediately after my divorce last year.
The guy that I live with would be hurt and would throw me out if he found out. He has been a very loving, giving person to me. And no, I do not "mooch" off him.
I cook, clean, do laundry, buy groceries, plan and have parties for his family and friends and 2 kids (they live with mom).

I don't want people to think I just sleep around and mooch. I work very hard at a full-time job and see/sleep with only ONE other person. The "other" guy is only wanting a piece of tail and so am I. And yes-this is a true story and real life situation.