Wife loves another man that she never even met.
I apologize for the length of this post, but there is a lot that needs to be said. If you want to get to just the question, skip to the ****.
My wife and I have been together for seven years today. I admit, we did meet on the internet, on a car enthusiast website, to be exact. While we had talked and had fun together in the chatroom for months, there was never a romantic attachment. When the car club had it's annual meeting, we both went and met a few times briefly over the course of the week, as we were both there for more than each other, as we were both in relationships at the time.
Some time had passed, and we still talked from time-to-time. During that time, my long-time high school sweetheart and I had split-up, as she moved off to college and we started to become different people. This became painfully obvious when I went to visit or she came home. But this is neither here nor there. Another woman had come into and left my life in a short period as we just weren't compatible.
Months had passed when my future wife had actually driven 500 miles to spend the week with my best friend, who was also a member of the for mentioned forum. He had expressed interest in her, but the first two nights she was at his house, his interest in her dwindled. The third day, I was finally able to make it to his house and meet her in-person, and we almost instantly clicked. I ended up staying the night at his house and we sat up almost all night talking, about interests, our inside jokes from the chatroom, and just general silliness. (She also thought I was gay, because I always dressed nice and was well-groomed. :p)
The following day, we had all spent together, doing everything from just hanging out at the mall to just sitting around. While we were sitting outside my friend's house, on his porch, we looked at each other, and she gave me that look that makes me melt even today. And it happened, our first kiss. Later that night, we attended a local car club meeting, which finished off with bowling at the local alley. She had not brought socks on her visit and therefore couldn't wear bowling shoes. So being the nice guy I was, I ran home (about 2 miles from the bowling alley) and got her a pair of my socks. That swept her off her feet, and that is one of the things she always and still does talk about when she tell people how we met.
That night, she came back to my house and we unregrettably ended up sleeping together. A following day we spent with our friends at the dragstrip. She stayed over again that night and left for home the following morning. At the time, we weren't sure if it was just a fling or what.
We continued to talk on the phone and we shared everything together, even our sexual pasts. Partially due to this honesty and absolutely openness, I wanted to pursue a serious relationship and did the most-daring thing I had ever done: I packed up my stuff and moved 500 miles to be with her.
During our relationship, there was a lot of moving and other troubles within a short period. I made mistakes, went without work, etc. We made it through. Two years later, while we were living in California, we ended up getting married. It wasn't a flashy ceremony, but a small garden chapel wedding with our friends and a few relatives.
Once again, over the next year, we had issues, which we worked through. At one point, she was going to leave and actually left for the weekend. She told me she was going to see her grandparents in Phoenix, but I didn't find out until Sunday that she couldn't get ahold of them and instead stayed at her ex's house (who was at our wedding, I might add). I had always had my doubts about whether something had happened, as he was in a serious long-term relationship (and proposed to his girlfriend shortly after this visit). My wife swears that nothing happens, and I truly believe her.
A few months later, we found out she was pregnant, by only a few weeks, so no worries there. Due to the lack of family in California, we ended up quitting our jobs and moved back to her hometown, where we still are. Now, our daughter is 3 years old. During that time, before our daughter was born, my wife went on maternity leave and I picked up a second job, working 60+ hours a week, working 12-15 hours a day, for the following two years. I eventually left my part-time job since she went back to working.
Now, here we are. We've been married for five years, happily I thought.
****
Over the past year, she has spent an excessive amount of time online. Carrying on "in-character" relationships with other people. This concerned me and I wanted her to stop. I wanted to help. She swore it was only in good fun, but she would cut back. Fast forward to a few months ago, she started spending more and more time online, doing the same thing and I became suspicious
But then this past Saturday we got into huge a fight, because she has been spending a lot of time chatting with someone and I discovered the night before she had talked for over an hour with them. I made accusations that I really did regret after I left for work, and left work early so I could apologize in-person. When I got home, the house was empty. She moved out while I was at work, taking my daughter with her. I though our fight did it, but I was wrong. She claims that she has been unhappy for years, but has never full confronted me about it. I admit, I have not always been husband or dad-of-the-year. I should have helped more around the house, I'm not afraid to admit that. But if I had known it was this bad, I would have suggested getting help.
Her whole family came out on Saturday and helped her move out, under semi-false pretenses. She implied and led them to believe that I was verbally abusive and refused to get help for our marriage. Emails were went from distant relatives to her parents asking if they think I'm going to go psycho and if they were afraid I'd try to hurt them. I was destroyed and her family hated me, until the truth came out. My wife called me on Sunday evening, bawling her eyes out about how her dad threatened to destroy this "other guy's" life. Her mom called me ten minutes later and invited me to stay with them, so I'm not alone and can be with my daughter.
What really happened, which she finally admitted:
She was unhappy with our marriage, but instead of confronting the issue, she bottled it up and retreated to the internet. At the same time, a guy she was talking two was splitting from his wife. This continued for months and they admitted that they have feelings for each other. This past Wednesday night, while she was over at her parents' house, she called this guy. Her dad had listened in on the whole thing, but it didn't click until Sunday. Thursday morning, she called her mom, telling her that she needed out of this marriage. Her mom recruited the whole family to help her move out, in an effort to help her daughter escape this "abusive" relationship. As a result of this deception, her whole family has switched sides and is behind me.
But when I talked to her about it and found that my accusations were correct, she admits that regardless of how bad she hurt me , she loves this guy and wants to be with him. But she doesn't even know the guy. She talked to him online and on the phone and only knows what he told her. She admits that this whole thing is stupid and makes no sense, but after praying over it and thinking it through, she thinks this is her golden ticket to happiness.
Some things I pointed out and she admitted it crossed her mind, but still didn't change her mind: What if this guy is physically abusive? A sociopath? A pedophile?
His wife left him, she told me that. But why? Because she cheats on him and wants to continue to sleep with other people, that's what he told her, and she believes it.
Her parents and I sat her down and tried to talk it out, about trying to save our marriage. What it came down to from her parents, unfortunately, was an ultimatum. If she goes to him, she will lose her daughter. They said they would fight on my behalf for full-custody.
As a result, she gave up. She called this guy and supposedly told him it's over. She moved back in last night and has completely shut herself off to me. She's only doing it because she has no choice. She told me she still wants to try with this guy, but knows that doing so will cost her everything, her daughter and her family.
In a way, I want her to go to him and get hurt. But in every other way, I don't. I still love her, despite of how much pain she caused me. I want to make things work, she said she did, but now she doesn't.
What do I do from here?
I have tracked down this other guy's wife online, and am contemplating contacting her. If anything, I feel she needs to know everything. Also, I want to hear her side of the story, of their relationship. My wife did admit that if it turns out this guy is abusive and an overall bad guy, she will be grateful, but I still don't think I would ever be forgiven.
I know it sounds funny, I was the one who was cheated on and betrayed, but I'm worried about being forgiven.
Should I contact his wife? Or just let mine feign happiness and fake this marriage for the sake of our daughter. I want us to get help, as I've already contacted a councilor. But if she doesn't want to fix it, what should I do?
