My "friend" and I have been together a very short time almost 8 weeks. We are both separated and in the process of getting divorced. We both have children and due to these similarities we thought we would have something in common to talk about. We went out on our first date and it lasted 12 hours. Since then our relationship has progressed at an equal rate. We have said
The 3 big words, had intimate moments and even went on a 3 day trip together. We are both intelligent people and realized in the beginning that this isn't normal. We have both known this relationship was moving like a snowball down a mountain. We both agree that neither of us are ready to go further anytime soon. Neither of us are ready to take on each others families and neither of us are trying to replace our spouses. We have not had any problems until now. We can't agree on how to slow our relationship down. We realize that we need to work on our friendship so we have a foundation to work with. My question is how do you slow it down yet still move forward without someone getting hurt? What is the best approach to this? I really would like all the feedback I can get on this.

Hello firstly and welcome on board! :)

Ok, so if I understand correctly, you still want the relationship to move forward but at a slow rate due to circumstances?
If you are both willing to do the same, then you shouldn't have many problems in doing so.

Why isn't normal? You are 2 people going through the same thing.

RickJ another post I'm subscribed to but not appearing on my profile

Thanks for the welcome. The problem is he thinks we should move backwards to the friends who are dating category, while I think we should stay where we are and slow down from here. It is a huge difference in thoughts. Therein lies the problem. I am not sure what is or isn't acceptable by going back to that. I agreed to try it but felt completely out of my element. He said I just need time to get used to it this way before I can decide its not working like that. Not sure where we should sit on this whole thing. One of the best things about our relationship is that we were completely at ease with each other right from the start. Now with going backwards I tend to spend more time thinking about what is acceptable behavior rather than I do enjoying the time with him.

I see your point!
But explain to him that you are 2 single people who suffered the consequences of separation and are now in the same shoes.
Why hold back something you had going well together?
You probably need each other now as you can each comprehend what it means.

I feel that you did rush into the intimacy a bit, but it should not hinder you from getting to know each other.

You already know that you are capable of feeling lust for each other. May I suggest that you both get into learning about how the relationship with the children will advance.

You can imagine what would happen if you get really 'deep' into intimate things and then find out that the children have objections.. that would really put a damper on things. So if you can curb your libido for a while, and the children accept the growing relationship, then the intimacy will advance all the better.

There are other things that all of you can share together, and they might just bond you more.

Good luck, and keep us posted.
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Originally Posted by Tiffinityrose

Thanks for the welcome. The problem is he thinks we should move backwards to the friends who are dating category, while I think we should stay where we are and slow down from here. It is a huge difference in thoughts. Therein lies the problem. I am not sure what is or isn't acceptable by going back to that. I agreed to try it but felt completely out of my element. He said I just need time to get used to it this way before I can decide its not working like that. Not sure where we should sit on this whole thing. One of the best things about our relationship is that we were completely at ease with each other right from the start. Now with going backwards I tend to spend more time thinking about what is acceptable behavior rather than I do enjoying the time with him.

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You could try to enjoy his company more (Out of bed) and as Chery said give your kids time to get use to you both. Thinking is fine just don't overthink. Believe it or not the way you move forward and solve these little problems that crop up is the way relationships are molded and bonded together. So being the mature intelligent people that you are put your heads together to talk and listen to each other about your life, feelings and hopes and dreams so you both can know what the other is about and take your time ,what's the hurry, just enjoy the now and move forward at your own pace. Sometimes you have to slow down so your partner can catch up sometimes you have to run to catch him. Know the difference and go together is the point.:cool: :)

8 weeks is not a long time at all... beleive me. He maybe right - it might be a good time to take a step back...

You guys were the Fast and The Furious!!

Take time now to get to know each other

Listen to your heart.
I don't believe in back tracking, what's done is done, learn and move on.
If you've expressed your love to each other, then there must be some sort of trust and understanding.
Sit down and have a heart to heart, expressing how you really feel.
Good luck.

Although most people would advise you not to rush things under the circumstances, it sounds like in this case nature is taking its course. You may feel like you have a lot in common because of the similar situations you're in right now. In that regard it's true ; you do have a lot in common right now. What you need to be focusing on is how much will the two of you have in common 5 or 10 years from now, after the trauma of separating from your spouses, the divorce and what happens to the kids, etc. is all behind you. Will you still feel this same hot passion for one another? If you had come into this relationship as a single person, never married, no kids, would things still be moving at the breakneck pace you're describing? What I'm trying to get at here is, it's not so much the pace at which things are moving that you have to be concerned about. It's the issue of whether your attraction to this person is for the right reasons. You're at a vulnerable time in your life right now so it's easy to fall head over heels with someone with whom you might have one or two things in common. Understand, however, that it takes more than having one or two things in common for someone to make a suitable life partner. That's the real risk you're running right now, that of "falling in love" with someone with whom you share one or two specific things in common but with whom you're not compatible enough for forming a successful lifelong partnership. That's what you need to be thinking about right now.

The potential for this being a rebound arrangement for one or both of you is, in my estimation, sadly very real. Rebound relationships prove themselves as that by not standing the test of time. Looking back one can see it was the need to have anyone that drives it, not the someone specifically. That is the reason widows/widower are advised to allow at least a year for grieving. This should be true for those who divorce too, since that is akin to a death of sorts.

I believe you both were ill advised to get this started but now that you have, what to do? You can't exactly back up once you are over certain lines. That part is clear! At least you see some of the hazard of where you are and that is good. Very good. And you are right, its not normal except in rebounds.

You can agree to only meet every so often. I think that is going to take some major discipline on both your parts since its asking something that in ordinary circumstance (without the fear of it being just a rebound) would never require.

And from here on you can deliberately drag your feet about the next level and the level after that. Again, it's a kind of artificial arrangement "normal" courtship wouldn't impose. It will definitely be a lesson in living one day at a time. But I think to insure each person that there is suffieicient time to work out of the vulnerable lonely stage and let it mature into the real thing (which hopefully you both do and still want each other when you're done) both these two things need to occur.

Deliberately see each other less and hold off getting to the next level or two. Negotiate this plan and then stick to it in order to give this relationship a fighting chance. Who knows? You maybe are the long shot in it! Only time will tell. I hope this helps.

HI,
Eight weeks?
Are you infatuated with each other?
If you want to slow things down some, start dating others, meeting new people.
Stop putting all your affection to this one person, and remain friends. If there is something really there between you both, it won't go away. Give yourselves a chance, and see others for awhile.
Best wishes.

OK since I last posted things have gotten very stressful. We are trying the friends who are dating thing but it seems like every time we talk there is this distance that was never there before.I end up getting emotional and crying which is something I rarely do. He has been talking to this girl I knew from years ago who is not the kind of girl you would ever want your friend, boyfriend or husband to meet. She loves the challenge of trying to split up couples or at least she did years ago. Well they have been talking a bit on Yahoo and he decided he wanted to meet her and hang out for a while. Since
He and his wife separated he has been trying to meet people so he has so friends to do things with. I was not told this right off and was told to about it by a friend of mine and hers. I confronted her about it and she told me all about their plans and then that he told her I was in denial about our relationship being over and that we are no more than friends and how it was a date they had planned together. I confronted him later face to face and said that he had no idea where she got those ideas from because they hardly talked about him and I. He reassured me that it was not a date just a few friends hanging out. I believe him because as of yet he has never lied to me. Even in difficult situations where its normal to tell a white lie he has been brutally honest. I told him all about his new friend before he actually met her and how much I dislike her. I really cannot stand the woman and that is putting it nicely. He said thanks for the warning and that I need to trust his judgment. I do trust his judgment that was never a worry, I just don't trust her. A long ago I stopped being friends with her do to her behavior and her trying to steal my boyfriend then. She comes across all nice like and stabs you in the back while smiling to your face. He said the she may have changed since I last knew her and that I was being too judgmental. Maybe I am being judgmental but once bitten twice shy. I have never been a jealous person but that woman brings it out in me. I just don't understand why he is bringing her back into my life whether she has changed or not. I'm trying to be very adult about it but it drives me crazy to see her flirtatious messages on his website. I don't know how to handle this and all he keeps saying is that he doesn't need all this drama. I don't need this kind of drama either but he brought this on himself by meeting her after I warned him about her didn't he? Some days I think it would be easier to just end the relationship entirely. But that's a cowards way out and I am not a coward. Please any opinions about this would be greatly appreciated. We have also limited our time together to a few hours twice a week. Which is a good thing for all involved. And we also decided to act like friends, no sex no PDA, just a hug and kiss hello and goodbye.

It's good that you are keeping your distance. It sounds to me as if he is not rushing into a 'rebound' thing with you. At least he's not promising something he cannot deliver and that is fair. Give each other time, and try to keep that jealousy in check. Every two weeks is nice, just don't sit at home the remainder of the time waiting - go out and make new friends, find new interests yourself, and don't forget the children. Life goes on as it must, and you should make the best of it.

If you don't set yourself up for disappointments, they won't happen. As far as your 'competition' goes, forget about her. She's only going to be a problem if you let her. Even if you are set in hating her, it's still a waste of your valuable time to spend it thinking of what she 'could' do to you. The only things you have control over are your life and that of your family. And, until she actively crossed that line, don't let it bother you.

If he feels he needs to get to know her, let him. You don't have any claim on him and he is, after all, an adult with a mind of his own. Keep it at the friendship level and it won't hurt you.


Good luck,



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I hate women like that!
Just keep your eyes wide open and don't lose sight of her.
I would even try not see anymore women like that always cause friction between couples, you could be together weeks or years and the same issues arise!

But are you and this guy friends or a couple?

Thanks for posting Tiff.
I sort of see what the problem is. You think you've found a guy to click with and an enemy from the past is moving in on your turf. Fact -you both are coming off that divorce thing and I 'll bet he's in NO hurry to be tied in one relationship or get to deeply involved with anyone right now. That I can understand and it was a good thing he let you know this too. So the solution to your problem is just as you met him ,get out and meet others and start putting your own life together that includes fun and people and things to do. Right now you don't need the stress of dealing with the baggage of any one but your own.Let him get his ego stroked and see him later. Right now leave him alone and don't compete for his affection. Work on your own life and leave his alone,Completely alone for a while. See him after you've built a solid foundation for yourself!:cool: ;)

It was advised to me and I took it too, that when I ended any relationship I take a full year off from the whole opposite sex thing which included friends with benefits, dating, etc. It was time to clean out my head and heart. It was time spent in groups of friends or with my girlfriends to regroup and grow a little and get my groove back. It was some of the best advice I have ever been given. And when I came out of the year, it really slowed me down from jumping into anything because I had it in the back of my mind "oh no, what if this doesn't work out, I'll have to do a whole n'uther year again!!" So I dated and dated slowly and thoughtfully and it was wonderful too. A year between.. . So much difference.

Wanted to psread the love, but I couldn't. Valinor os SOOOOOO right.

You have to take this dating thing slow!!

Friends who are dating exclusively... mmmmm OK.
Is that good or is that bad?

If you are happy with you being just exclusive to him then he should be the same to you. (if that made sense).

But I think its very important that you go out yourself, make new friends, meet new people.
I believe its good to get to know different people, esp in the situation you are in.
Give yourself time to breath before you jump into another relationship.