So, my boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months now and it has been a wonderful experience for both of us. I really see a lot of potential for us in the future and he does too. I know that he has gone to the stripclub with his buddies once in the past when we first started dating and at that time I didn't make it an issue considering it was early in our relationship. Recently though an old friend of his has been asking him to go to stripclub. He even called the other night (I was spending the night with him on this night) asking him to go but he declined and he said he was too tired. He then went on the recommend which ones to go to while I was sitting in the same room... should that bother me? I'm not stupid... obviusly I know the names of the various stipclubs in the area. After that, he told me if he hadn't been so tired that he would've gone out with his friends that night. I felt really awkward just because I was staying the night with him and I assume that if he would've gone he would've just left me at his house while he goes out for a night filled with almost naked chicks dancing and whatever else they do. I've told him that it bothers me but because he is a guy he doesn't see it that way. He told me that I can't tell him what to do and in all honesty I don't. He gets really freaked out when he feels that his freedom is being taking away from him... you know. So, anyway all I know is that it's coming and I know that soon he is going to want to go. He has even mentioned that maybe its best that he not tell me so that I won't get upset but I think that's a horrible idea. That could make it to where he might go more or something... I don't know. Grant it... I am over at his house all the time and we see each other everday. So... I'm going to know when he just randomly mentions that he going out with his buddies where he will be going. I honestly feel like he really wants to go... but I don't know why. Any opinions or thoughts would be appreciated. I just don't know how to deal with this particular issue. I don't want to make a huge deal out of it but at the same time it does bother me. HELP PLEASE!

Hi dear,
Six months into a relationship is still early.. it's the time to get to know each other and find out if you 'fit'. It's NOT the time to give up everything else in life and place your partner in the center of your universe - not good for him, or you.

So, when he goes out with his buddies, you go out with your friends and leave it at that. What's important is how you two spend the time when you are together.
Of course it might seem strange to you that he would be willing to go with his buddies while you are spending the night, but if you are constantly there, it cannot be avoided. How about the two of you arranging one night a week where you both do your 'own thing' and then talk about it later.

Just because he goes to strip clubs does not mean he's losing interest, it's just that he enjoys it - for whatever reason - and maybe you can ask him what he finds so great about them. Maybe he thinks it is just a typical 'guy' thing and will get over this when you two grow and bond more.

If everything else in the relationship is working out, you should not worry too much. We all need to keep a bit of 'independence' and don't like it when we feel that someone is trying to take that away. When he comes home, greet him with a smile and ask him if he had fun - that will surprise him and there will be no stress. It's all a part of living and learning.

Relax and keep us posted. Good Luck.

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Lot's of guys love the stripclub. Even the taken ones. But sometimes guys that have GF's get pushed into going because they don't want to seem like the odd guy out. Maybe he is saything those things over the phone with no REAL intention of going? Just to satisfy his friends ideas and wants.

IMO a guy that goes to a stripclub while in a relationship is throwing a low blow. Im just sure all the women love to have their men getting tuns of other naked women in their faces and grinding on their laps.

Sometimes it happens and you have to try not to take offense to it. But if this starts happening multible times a month then I would put my foot down if I were you. I try to limit myself even without a GF to maybe a few times a YEAR. I haven't even been for about a year.

Building a permanent relationship is a LONG JOURNEY. One of the most important tools to be used along the way is calm communication coupled with patience.

Remember, a guy sees the world WAY differently than a girl does. A girl sees her guy in a strip club and instantly thinks "(sniff) Am I not enough for my guy?" For the guy, it's just "hey, look at the boobies..." There's no comparison going on at all. He would be confused at your question since that's not going on at all. Yeah, but you still feel that way, huh? Tough situation. So you have to deal with it pragmatically... and calmly.

He didn't go? How about a big reward for that instead of a speech? A LOOOONG footrub you know he likes, and tell him "that's for being too tired to look at naked women" and laugh it off.

There is a big difference between telling someone you don't like something and telling them they can't do it. And this is a skill you need to have. Expressing YOURSELF in terms of what it means to you and NOT adding those extra bricks of "and you better not" is important. Done correctly, your mate still feels guilty when they opt to do the thing you talked about, but they aren't able to put the guilt on your head. Since the guilt is coming from their own sense of connection TO you, it is much more effective.

So practice talking about YOU when you discuss these issues.

(said playfully pouty) "I know you want to go, and I'll try not to sit here sad and alone while you ogle girls prettier than me. (sniff) (hug) (kiss) Have a good time, try not to let my sad face spoil your fun. (shoo him out the door)

Or: "I know there's nothing actually wrong with you and the boys having some grownup fun, but this one bugs me. So go, have a good time, don't worry about me, I'll deal with this on my own. I'm sure it's nothing, I'm a big girl. (sigh)"

Now, even if he goes, if he REALLY cares about you, the guilt he stirs up comes from his own conscience and is WAY more powerful than nagging guilt from confronting head on. You see?

Meanwhile, those statements above? They need to also be true. You DO need to work on this issue in your own head while you calmly express the problem to him in those terms.

Trust me, as you proceed along the long journey toward a permanent bond, these issues will resolve themselves because of the way sacrificial love starts to take over in a permanently growing relationship. The lasting bonds almost guarantee it. You and he will BOTH adjust your own behaviors to benefit your mate, and that will be a good thing.

In the meantime, yeah it bugs it you, but no... it's no big deal. Don't make it one.

JB.. was told to 'spread it' - just want to let you know you have such a wonderful way of explaining things, as usual.

verysexy.. take our advice and you both will benefit from your patience. In a relationship, what's important is sharing, not giving up your own self, but enriching each other and learning through communicating in the right way. Most of the time it's not what you say, but how you say it.

Good luck dear.

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You just got to thank you know how he is going home to when he goes.

I once dated a girl who threatened me to break up with me if I went to a strip club with my buddy for his birthday.. . To be honest, I couldn't care less about a strip club... I pay money, she grinds all over me, then what? If I wanted to be teased and spend $200 in the process, I would have gone to a lamborghini dealership and then bribed one of the sales reps to let me take it out for a spin.

Like rachelle said, to these girls, it's just a job. They're not interested in your boyfriend (cept his wallet). Also, your boyfriend's not interested in them. Even if he were, chances of him leaving with the girl are slim to none.

It really isn't that big of a deal... Guys go to strip clubs sometimes. I personally hate strip clubs as they are a HUGE waste of money. I would think if he made a habit out of going several times, then maybe you should talk to him. I can tell you I would never have done anything to ANY stripper when I was dating my girlfriend. You have nothing to worry about, believe me. It is more of a "male bonding" thing than anything else. I only go maybe once every couple of years... don't know how often he goes, but it is nothing. Nothing more than girls just trying to pull your money away from you... kinda like Vegas baby!

My wife never cared about the strip clubs ,and porn, of my youth, so I never made them a big deal either. As long as the boundaries of behavior, you both agree to, is respected, its not a big deal.

While I understand your feelings, and its okay to feel the way you do, what you do about it, and how you express it is the important thing, and I think in such a new relationship, talking about these issues without threats, or ultimatums, is the way to go.

Don't let your insecurities, drive you crazy, or bring down your own self esteem.

Before that happens, be honest enough with your partner to express those feelings, but deal with them in a positive way, that doesn't make him think, you can't cope with them, as that ruins otherwise good relationships, and breaks the trust, and comfort, between you.

If this is a deal breaker, or causing you to rethink things, that's an honest feeling, and needs to be expressed, and compromised, and resolved in a way you both can live with.

The worst thing you can do is bury your honest feelings, and let them come back in the form of resentment, anger, and unresolved issues, that are bigger than they were, and harder to deal with.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

My wife never cared about the strip clubs ,and porn, of my youth, so I never made them a big deal either. As long as the boundaries of behavior, you both agree to, is respected, its not a big deal.

While I understand your feelings, and its okay to feel the way you do, what you do about it, and how you express it is the important thing, and I think in such a new relationship, talking about these issues without threats, or ultimatums, is the way to go.

Don't let your insecurities, drive you crazy, or bring down your own self esteem.

Before that happens, be honest enough with your partner to express those feelings, but deal with them in a positive way, that doesn't make him think, you can't cope with them, as that ruins otherwise good relationships, and breaks the trust, and comfort, between you.

If this is a deal breaker, or causing you to rethink things, thats an honest feeling, and needs to be expressed, and compromised, and resolved in a way you both can live with.

The worst thing you can do is bury your honest feelings, and let them come back in the form of resentment, anger, and unresolved issues, that are bigger than they were, and harder to deal with.

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Still have to 'spread it' Tal, but this is absolutely what's essential - honesty - with oneself and partner.

I know exactly how you feel! Have been going out with my boyfriend for 8 months now and he wants to go to a strip club with all his friends and they always ask him to. I get a bit cut when he mentions it cause I see it *** me not being good enoguh for him, like I don't understand why he feels the need to go look at other women, when he has me. He gets annoyed at me when I get cut cause he doesn't want to feel like I'm controlling him, but I'm not trying to control him. I just want him to understand how it makes me feel, knowing that he wants to look at other women.
Glad to know, other people have the same problems too, I guess all guys are like that in some ways