Ask Me Help Desk - She's Not Enjoying It

Hey everyone. I hope you all can help me with this problem.

I'm 23 years old and my girlfriend is 18. We have been together for about 2 months and we have started to become more sexually intimate. Neither one of us have had sexual intercourse before (we are still virgins by that definition) but we have engaged in oral sex a few times.

When the night starts we are both very passionate, but she has told me that at times when I'm done taking off her clothes that the passion is immediately gone. Then when I go down on her (I take my time by kissing her neck, breasts, etc.) she initially enjoys it but then she quickly loses the good feeling and really doesn't feel anything anymore.

Last night it was actually pretty depressing because it was clear by her facial expressions and body language that after the first few minutes (maybe 8min) she was no longer "into" the sexual intimacy. I asked her what was bothering her and she honestly didn't know. She really felt bad that she wasn't having fun and she didn't know what was wrong with her.

I asked her several questions such as: Has she ever had an orgasm? (No). Does it feel good when I go down on her? (At the beginning then she feels nothing). Does it feel good when rub her ? (Sometimes). She says that sometimes it actually hurts.

I then get into the more mental aspect and ask her how she feels towards me. She tells me she really likes me but maybe she isn't sexually attracted enough. She's very confused but she thinks that maybe our relationship has become to stable, predictable, routine, and not "hot" enough. She's not sure exactly how she should feel. She knows she likes me more than a friend, but she's not sure if it goes beyond that.

Please help me out. I don't know what to do.

It's a learning thing. You will have to learn her likes and dislikes... she may not be able to or want to verbalize them. But if you see her not having fun, rest assured you ventured into something she dislikes.

Lets just say learning how to please a woman is the closest you will come mind reading in life. Not all women like or respond to the same things the same way.

How would you recommend I make things more "hot." She said the maybe wasn't sexually attracted enough, which could be because things were possibly getting to routine. Any ideas on what to work on?

Be spontaneous... some girls like a man to be confident and almost pushy... have a night ontop of the kitchen table after dinner? Try things... see if she like it... or opposite.. let her be aggressive. Its just learning what she likes like said above

That's the trick. You are going to have to figure out what does it for her by trial and error. There is no one thing or group of things that will net a certain favorible reaction with a woman. Like I said. Its as close to mindreading as you will come. Different women like different things. They like Confident... but pushy is a putoff for most women. Pushy can take you from a date to date rape faster than you can imagine.

Don't exapect her to be able to tell you. In many cases she won't know herself anyway. Do what you have been doing, make a mental note what you see not working and watch for other reaction in the future. Also. Women are not a push button A get result B type. Its all about nuance and finesse.

I really appreciate the help. I was afraid her confused feelings were a sure sign that she wanted to end the relationship, but she just didn't know how to say it. I'll try to see what turns her on with a bit of trial and error. We are both new to this so I guess it will take time and work. Thanks!

Yeah and if she doesn't want to try new stuff you might just want to back off for a little... some women feel like they are being pressured into something and will not be "into" it... make sure its something she really wants... talk it out

Quote:

Originally Posted by confused25

She's very confused but she thinks that maybe our relationship has become to stable, predictable, routine, and not "hot" enough. She's not sure exactly how she should feel. She knows she likes me more than a friend, but she's not sure if it goes beyond that.

Please help me out. I don't know what to do.

You have been going out a few months and yout already to the point of being boring around each other? Maybe some time apart is what is needed along with some spice in the sex life. Try out new things all the time hell rent a sex book if you have to. Go through it and just remember the things you both like and find what works.

I didn't want to rain on your parade. But there really is no easy answer. Some guys never do learn this. Others can become quite proficient. Most fall somewhere in between. But you MUST pay attention. And you MUST listen to verbal and non-verbal ques. Cater to a woman's vanity, and cater to her needs. Go in with I'm the man, I know everything and you will never get anywhere with her or most other women.

She sounds like a very young girl, a very inexperienced girl who isn't ready for sex.

My opinion is that she is too young for you, too precious, and that you should find a way to tell her this and take your relationship back to being just friends and let her go feeling like she is special. :)

Well, I personally don't think she can even think about if she's bored already if you two haven't even had sex yet! There is still a lot more sexual things that haven't even happened yet in the relationship, so there isn't much to already be bored about. I think just try to be more spontaneous and take more control, because from what you say it sounds like she has a lot of the control. There is a point of being a loving, sweet boyfriend and a point where you can't only have one person in control of all of what goes on. You have feelings too! :)

This is just something to consider, but it won't be easy to hear. I might also be completely off the mark. Time will tell. You said she has claimed that she's not sexually attracted to you. I don't know if she followed that statement with the idea that things have gotten routine or if that part came into the conversation later. Sometimes we can find ourselves dating people that we thought we were attracted to, and then something within those feelings just changes. I know that I have dated a couple of people in the past who I initially felt attracted to, and then for whatever reason, that ball just dropped. I mean, it has even happened in an instant.

If this is true for her, she's probably not going to tell you the extent of those feelings directly for fear of hurting you. She might really like you, as she has also said, but she might be working through her feelings to decide what direction to take.

Regarding the boredom she has talked about, I just don't buy it. It sounds like an excuse. When you're that young and that inexperienced, nothing is boring in bed. Everything is new, and everything is exciting. You're trying to take things further, and she's pulling back. It's not the other way around. Plus, as has been mentioned, you've only been dating for two months! I can't imagine how bored she would be in a marriage of 50 years.

If you really, really like her, you might as well give things another shot, but I'm pretty sure this relationship isn't going to go much further unless she gets the guts to be completely honest with you and begins to enjoy your intimate time together.

Is it possible that she's being turned off by something you're doing that she doesn't like? Sure. There are better partners and worse partners. Your job is to do your best to read her likes and dislikes, to be pleasurable in what you do. But that doesn't mean that all of the work is on your shoulders. If she doesn't tell you what works for her and what doesn't, she can't expect to be a happy camper. This would apply to whomever she's with.

Your girlfriend sounds like a very young 18 year old. Innocence is a good thing, but there can also be limitations from it that make predicting your future together difficult. I would suggest you really consider moving on. I know I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who wasn't sexually attracted to me, and everything else sounds like a whole lot of busy work and a whole lot of problems that have come just much too early in the relationship.

Quote:

I'm 23 years old and my girlfriend is 18. We have been together for about 2 months and we have started to become more sexually intimate. Neither one of us have had sexual intercourse before (we are still virgins by that definition) but we have engaged in oral sex a few times.

Back away from the sex altogether, and see what this relationship is all about.

I'm betting you two have little in common besides being virgins. If your already boring her, maybe she has no interest in you, or sex.

No communication, or the willingness to work together, don't make for thrills and chills.

I think your trying, but not getting a lot of input, or feedback, so your wasting your time.