Lost my first love because of family race problems.
Hi
I have never posted on here before, but have been having a rough few weeks after splitting up from my first love and am having a lot of trouble getting over it, so thought others opinions outside of my own little world could help.
Im sorry, it's a bit of a long one which will probably be ignored, but here goes...
I was seeing my girlfriend for the last two years (she is 24 and I am 25) and we were very much in love with each other. We never argued, spent as much time with each other as we could (she lives in the country - about an hr drive away), and were pretty much perfect for each other. We spent countless weekends away together, holidays abroad, etc etc.. everything was brilliant. The only drawback to everything was that my parents did not know about her. She is white and I am sikh/asian. They are not a strict as most sikh families but insist that whoever I do find, she would have to be sikh or Indian at least. The thing is I have never believed in the whole culture and religion before and have been brought up in white schools, with white friends etc. so never really understood.
I told her this from the start, but also said that if the right girl ever came along, I would choose against them if I loved her enough. I knew she wasn't happy about this but loved me so was willing to live with it. But as time went by, she grew more and more attached to me and asked me a few times about the future and what would happen. I was so confused and I didn't want to lie to her, so simply said 'I just can't leave my family, Im sorry... lets just enjoy each other now and deal with the future each day as it comes.' She even asked me as a joke to marry me earlier this year, to which I said 'no' and saw she took it badly. It broke my heart to say it but I didn't want to lead her on.
So about a month ago we go out into London for a meal and go for a walk after. While we are walking she says she has to tell me something, that we can't go on like this anymore because its been eating her alive thinking about it. We both suggest lets take a break from it all and that we should just catch up with each other in a few weeks to see how we feel. We were both devastated, I was like a zombie for the next week, couldn't eat or sleep, just thought about her. I spoke to her a few days later and told her I didn't want to lose her and wanted to tell my folks about her but I needed to know she would be there for me, through thick or thin. I was effectively asking her to marry me... to this she said she didn't think she would be strong enough if things got tough and couldn't handle me resenting her if I left my family.
I couldn't even work, so decided to take a week off and visit friends in Ireland. While being over there I missed her more and more and after discussing it with family and friends decided if I feel strongly enough about her I should just go for it despite the fall out and in time, my folks would come round. (possibly a year or two)
But while I was away that week, I text her and emailed her, but she was very cold, her replies didn't come as quick as they did before, there was no more love or comfort in her answers. We spoke at the end of my week there and she told me she couldn't see us getting back together again. She said although she loved me, she didn't think she was in love with me anymore, because of how much my situation had hurt her and my coldness had hurt her.
I couldn't understand this, as when we had last seen each other and decided to take a break, she was all over me, hugging me, kissing me, crying, not letting go of me... she was definitely in love with me then.
But I couldn't bare to hear her cry anymore, so decided to let it go. When I got back to London a few days later, I tried to get her to meet me because I had some things to give back but she blew me out, despite arranging it a few days before. I couldn't understand the coldness towards me now, it just didn't make sense. So that night, I did something stupid, which I regret, but curiosity got the better of me. I knew her hotmail password and logged into her account to look for any clues. I didn't think there was someone else as she was always so innocent and always hated people that cheated. In her emails though I saw an email from a guy she used to go out with 3 or 4 yrs ago. It was simply an email sent from a phone with a picture of her out in a bar somewhere. It was a recent photo, no words, just the photo.
This drove me mad for days as I couldn't believe she had cheated or been with someone else so soon after splitting up. I finally contacted her again and demanded to meet her. I told her I knew what was going on and I wanted some answers. After meeting her that night, she said she was shocked that I thought she would cheat on me and that she hadn't been with anyone since splitting with me (a month had passed). She said she had seen him but he was just someone she could talk to and that he was her ex for a reason. It still drove me mad because he was always there in the background and I never trusted the guy. He had left her when she was at uni to get married with another woman and had a kid with this other woman. He is 34 and has since been separated with his wife and kid.
I believe what she said though because she had no reason to lie and had never lied to me before. I explained to her that I didn't believe her when she said she didn't love me and that she had given me so many reasons I didn't know what to believe and that I couldn't understand why she had been so cold. I told her that I loved her more than life itself and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, which is something she had wanted me to say for the past two years. I explained to her all my fears etc and the reasons I was so cold when questioned before.
She said she has grown so dependent on me for the last 2 years that it had scared her how much she relied on me and that she didn't even know who she was anymore. Saying that though she depended on me she knew she would never win me over and it was killing her. She said she had to say something because being with me was making her ill and started to make her resent me. She said she was sorry but she didn't love me anymore.
I accepted this and told her I wouldn't contact her again but did love her and would always be there for her. If she ever wanted to talk and be friends again, she only had to call.
Its been 2 weeks since then and I am missing her more than ever. I know she said all this and understand her reasons but can't believe a person can fall out of love in the space of a few weeks. What we had was so strong and pure that we thought nothing could break us. I still think deep down that in her heart she still loves me but her head is telling her she doesn't want to be in love with me anymore.
I have no idea what to do, I have never been this down before, there isn't a minute, hr or day that passes without me thinking of her.
What should I do? Should I just let it go and try and move on, knowing that it will get better in time and was probably the better way to go given how hurt my family would be?
Or do I give her time and contact her later on and try and be friends with her? Or should I just leave it, hoping that maybe she will come back to me in time and if its meant to be, then she will.
Or should I just let her go, regretting forever that I only realised how much I loved her until it was too late...