Ask Me Help Desk - Lost my first love because of family race problems.

Hi

I have never posted on here before, but have been having a rough few weeks after splitting up from my first love and am having a lot of trouble getting over it, so thought others opinions outside of my own little world could help.

Im sorry, it's a bit of a long one which will probably be ignored, but here goes...

I was seeing my girlfriend for the last two years (she is 24 and I am 25) and we were very much in love with each other. We never argued, spent as much time with each other as we could (she lives in the country - about an hr drive away), and were pretty much perfect for each other. We spent countless weekends away together, holidays abroad, etc etc.. everything was brilliant. The only drawback to everything was that my parents did not know about her. She is white and I am sikh/asian. They are not a strict as most sikh families but insist that whoever I do find, she would have to be sikh or Indian at least. The thing is I have never believed in the whole culture and religion before and have been brought up in white schools, with white friends etc. so never really understood.

I told her this from the start, but also said that if the right girl ever came along, I would choose against them if I loved her enough. I knew she wasn't happy about this but loved me so was willing to live with it. But as time went by, she grew more and more attached to me and asked me a few times about the future and what would happen. I was so confused and I didn't want to lie to her, so simply said 'I just can't leave my family, Im sorry... lets just enjoy each other now and deal with the future each day as it comes.' She even asked me as a joke to marry me earlier this year, to which I said 'no' and saw she took it badly. It broke my heart to say it but I didn't want to lead her on.

So about a month ago we go out into London for a meal and go for a walk after. While we are walking she says she has to tell me something, that we can't go on like this anymore because its been eating her alive thinking about it. We both suggest lets take a break from it all and that we should just catch up with each other in a few weeks to see how we feel. We were both devastated, I was like a zombie for the next week, couldn't eat or sleep, just thought about her. I spoke to her a few days later and told her I didn't want to lose her and wanted to tell my folks about her but I needed to know she would be there for me, through thick or thin. I was effectively asking her to marry me... to this she said she didn't think she would be strong enough if things got tough and couldn't handle me resenting her if I left my family.

I couldn't even work, so decided to take a week off and visit friends in Ireland. While being over there I missed her more and more and after discussing it with family and friends decided if I feel strongly enough about her I should just go for it despite the fall out and in time, my folks would come round. (possibly a year or two)

But while I was away that week, I text her and emailed her, but she was very cold, her replies didn't come as quick as they did before, there was no more love or comfort in her answers. We spoke at the end of my week there and she told me she couldn't see us getting back together again. She said although she loved me, she didn't think she was in love with me anymore, because of how much my situation had hurt her and my coldness had hurt her.

I couldn't understand this, as when we had last seen each other and decided to take a break, she was all over me, hugging me, kissing me, crying, not letting go of me... she was definitely in love with me then.

But I couldn't bare to hear her cry anymore, so decided to let it go. When I got back to London a few days later, I tried to get her to meet me because I had some things to give back but she blew me out, despite arranging it a few days before. I couldn't understand the coldness towards me now, it just didn't make sense. So that night, I did something stupid, which I regret, but curiosity got the better of me. I knew her hotmail password and logged into her account to look for any clues. I didn't think there was someone else as she was always so innocent and always hated people that cheated. In her emails though I saw an email from a guy she used to go out with 3 or 4 yrs ago. It was simply an email sent from a phone with a picture of her out in a bar somewhere. It was a recent photo, no words, just the photo.

This drove me mad for days as I couldn't believe she had cheated or been with someone else so soon after splitting up. I finally contacted her again and demanded to meet her. I told her I knew what was going on and I wanted some answers. After meeting her that night, she said she was shocked that I thought she would cheat on me and that she hadn't been with anyone since splitting with me (a month had passed). She said she had seen him but he was just someone she could talk to and that he was her ex for a reason. It still drove me mad because he was always there in the background and I never trusted the guy. He had left her when she was at uni to get married with another woman and had a kid with this other woman. He is 34 and has since been separated with his wife and kid.

I believe what she said though because she had no reason to lie and had never lied to me before. I explained to her that I didn't believe her when she said she didn't love me and that she had given me so many reasons I didn't know what to believe and that I couldn't understand why she had been so cold. I told her that I loved her more than life itself and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, which is something she had wanted me to say for the past two years. I explained to her all my fears etc and the reasons I was so cold when questioned before.

She said she has grown so dependent on me for the last 2 years that it had scared her how much she relied on me and that she didn't even know who she was anymore. Saying that though she depended on me she knew she would never win me over and it was killing her. She said she had to say something because being with me was making her ill and started to make her resent me. She said she was sorry but she didn't love me anymore.

I accepted this and told her I wouldn't contact her again but did love her and would always be there for her. If she ever wanted to talk and be friends again, she only had to call.

Its been 2 weeks since then and I am missing her more than ever. I know she said all this and understand her reasons but can't believe a person can fall out of love in the space of a few weeks. What we had was so strong and pure that we thought nothing could break us. I still think deep down that in her heart she still loves me but her head is telling her she doesn't want to be in love with me anymore.

I have no idea what to do, I have never been this down before, there isn't a minute, hr or day that passes without me thinking of her.

What should I do? Should I just let it go and try and move on, knowing that it will get better in time and was probably the better way to go given how hurt my family would be?

Or do I give her time and contact her later on and try and be friends with her? Or should I just leave it, hoping that maybe she will come back to me in time and if its meant to be, then she will.

Or should I just let her go, regretting forever that I only realised how much I loved her until it was too late...

Come on guys, someone must have an opinion... im going out of my mind thinking about her, everything seems like nothing without her

I just want some help...

It's early Sunday morning in most areas of the country, give people some time to wake up and read your post.

Also, this story sounds a bit like me in the end of my relationship. She too was my first true love. I was cold and distant to her in the end, she packed up and left. I tried everything, I bought books on how to get your ex back, I read internet articles, I faked a car accident, nothing worked.

Here is what I'd recommend. Maybe hit the gym, take up new activities, hang out with a lot of friends. If you want her back, you must show that you are a real man who has a busy life and doesn't NEED her in his life to be happy. Don't call back in a month and tell her how much you miss her. Tell her things have been great, and maybe she will even agree to hang out with you. Make it casual, lunch or something. There is a small possibility she will see that she has missed you and be willing to work it out.

My girlfriend moved 5 hours away when we brokeup, so this wasn't an option for me. And ontop of that, I made myself look like an obsessive clinger, a real wussy. Before you do anything stupid, think this through. After we broke up, I may have had a chance to get her back, but I was bitter and angry and kept harassing her about it until I drove her away.

I called her for the first time in months to wish her a happy birthday but never got an answer to my voicemail. I made my true love hate me and I don't want it to happen to anyone else. Just don't even talk to her for another few weeks, work on yourself, and try and get her out to do something with you. Do NOT start talking about the relationship or bringing up bad memories. If she does, tell her you can talk about them another time but that today is a day for fun.

I think this is your only option, or just let it go.

If you love her then don't let her go. I think she loves you still. She just is scared and she is most likley confused. She must not want you to ruin your relationship with your family and she don't want to be in the middle of things. She also doesn't want to feel like she is the reason for your separation with your family. It will probably drive her nuts. ALL YOU CAN DO IS KEEP TRYING AND TELL HER THAT YOUR NOT Going to LET HER GO AND YOU can't BC YOU LOVE HER SO MUCH YOU WANT TO SPEND EVERYDAY AND THE REST OF YOU LIFE WITH HER. Tell her that without her you are nothing and that there isn't one second in the day you don't think about her. Most likley your family will get over it and relize that you really love each other and it was meant to be. You should never give up on a love like that you just have to keep trying. Tell her how you feel give her some time to think. A couple weeks. Don't call her don't bother her. THEN call her and ask her is she is willing to work this out. Reasure her that if your family don't accept this that it won't be her fault and that you won't look at her as if it is her fault. And that she has nothing to feel bad about. The only thing that matters now is the two of you and without her life itself has no meaning. ANd then after that if she still says no... Then maybe she really has moved on, and so should you. As hard as it would be. She sounds like a really lucky girl. Good luck to the both of you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by High Max

Also, this story sounds a bit like me in the end of my relationship. She too was my first true love. I was cold and distant to her in the end, she packed up and left. I tried everything, I bought books on how to get your ex back, I read internet articles, I faked a car accident, nothing worked.

Here is what I'd recommend. Maybe hit the gym, take up new activities, hang out with a lot of friends. If you want her back, you must show that you are a real man who has a busy life and doesnt NEED her in his life to be happy. Don't call back in a month and tell her how much you miss her. Tell her things have been great, and maybe she will even agree to hang out with you. Make it casual, lunch or something. There is a small possibility she will see that she has missed you and be willing to work it out.

My girlfriend moved 5 hours away when we brokeup, so this wasnt an option for me. And ontop of that, I made myself look like an obsessive clinger, a real wussy. Before you do anything stupid, think this through. After we broke up, I may have had a chance to get her back, but I was bitter and angry and kept harassing her about it until I drove her away.

I called her for the first time in months to wish her a happy birthday but never got an answer to my voicemail. I made my true love hate me and I don't want it to happen to anyone else. Just dont even talk to her for another few weeks, work on yourself, and try and get her out to do something with you. Do NOT start talking about the relationship or bringing up bad memories. If she does, tell her you can talk about them another time but that today is a day for fun.

I think this is your only option, or just let it go.

HMM this is a good opinion. I agree also with what you are saying. YOu should try this option.

Being in love with someone is a reason to START dating and examining your "life commitment capability". That's what you two have done. It's not your love that makes a healthy relationship possible (otherwise all problems would be solved because of love and they aren't, not even a fraction of them), no, it's not love that makes a healthy relationship, it's ALL the rest of things that follow in your life syncing up in a line.

That means religion and race and finances and geography and temperament and character and tolerance of history and selflessness-level... all of THAT comes into play and most of it has to line up properly for two people to make a successful go of it.

It is simplistic and false to think that the side issues will be overcome by love. It seldom happens that way in the real world.

Sounds like you two had a lot of love, but ultimately not a lot of compatibility.

I don't think you gain anything in your life by pursuing an unsupportable love connection. You two aren't new at this, you tried and failed. Acknowledging that fact is a success, not a failure.

Hit the gym? Yeah, anything that gets you back out there into the world. Do that because you ARE OK and not because you're thinking you can psych her into anything. Do it for you.

Hey guys, thanks for all the advice.

Im a gym freak anyway and to be honest, this last month, the gym is the only place I actual find some peace. Keeps my mind focused, but once I'm out of there, its all about her.

I have also tried to focus more on work and have just booked myself up for some kickboxing and jiu jitsu classes... just something I've always wanted to do and think itd be good to focus on.

Ive told her how much she means to me already and that if we love each other then nothing else should matter. She says she doesn't feel she is in love with me anymore because of they way my situation made her feel about herself. She was always the needy/clingy type that would text me first thing in the morning and call me before bed, and email all day long. I always just wanted to make her happy and it kills me how much this must have upset her.

Im not worried about the ex boyfriend, he is like 10 yrs older than her, has a kid, and she wasn't in love with him or anything serious, but at the same time I can't get the thought of them two together out of my head.

I did say to her I wouldn't contact her again and she would have to contact me, but I was thinking of leaving it be until maybe xmas and then trying to make contact.

I just don't know anymore, its like someone has switched the lights off in my life.

I don't get how she could go from contacting me and being in my life 24/7 to total NC just like that.

Maybe she isn't in love with me anymore. She told me so that last time we saw each other. I asked her whether that was her head saying that or her heart... she said it was 'her head I guess'...

This is the hardest thing I've ever been through... friends tell me to leave it 6 months... if I still feel as strongly for her... then contact her and tell her so, if she has moved on, then it was never meant to be... but by this time it will probably be too late.

Quote:

Originally Posted by High Max

Also, this story sounds a bit like me in the end of my relationship. She too was my first true love. I was cold and distant to her in the end, she packed up and left. I tried everything, I bought books on how to get your ex back, I read internet articles, I faked a car accident, nothing worked.

Here is what I'd recommend. Maybe hit the gym, take up new activities, hang out with a lot of friends. If you want her back, you must show that you are a real man who has a busy life and doesnt NEED her in his life to be happy. Don't call back in a month and tell her how much you miss her. Tell her things have been great, and maybe she will even agree to hang out with you. Make it casual, lunch or something. There is a small possibility she will see that she has missed you and be willing to work it out.

My girlfriend moved 5 hours away when we brokeup, so this wasnt an option for me. And ontop of that, I made myself look like an obsessive clinger, a real wussy. Before you do anything stupid, think this through. After we broke up, I may have had a chance to get her back, but I was bitter and angry and kept harassing her about it until I drove her away.

I called her for the first time in months to wish her a happy birthday but never got an answer to my voicemail. I made my true love hate me and I don't want it to happen to anyone else. Just dont even talk to her for another few weeks, work on yourself, and try and get her out to do something with you. Do NOT start talking about the relationship or bringing up bad memories. If she does, tell her you can talk about them another time but that today is a day for fun.

I think this is your only option, or just let it go.

I think this is the best approach, because we are still young and you never know what could happen later on... its just that we connected so well... I can't even remember a single argument. This whole break up feels like I'm being screwed out of something amazing because of a load of BS stuff that I don't even believe in.

The passion and attraction was there right until the end. Its not like we weren't attracted to each other or had got bored of each other or that magic had gone. It was because it all got too intense and now she feels she is probably better off out of it.

Anyone else got any other opinions or been through a similar thing?

I just have no idea what she is thinking right now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mr confused

I've told her how much she means to me already and that if we love each other then nothing else should matter.

Well, at least you've cut straight to heart of misunderstanding. This statement is patently false, and it is this kind of thinking that is the basis of so much misery.

In fact, the exact opposite is the truth. The accurate statement is, "Even though you love each other, everything else DOES matter and should not be ignored."

Love isn't the glue that keeps you together, love is the "spark" that started the whole thing, a spark that grows and dies often completely on its own, especially while still in the dating phase.

All the peripheral things DO matter, and no matter how poetic it is to eloquently state otherwise, it still matters. The real world is the real world.

Don't want to believe me? Well, look at your own story:

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... should I just let her go, regretting forever that I only realised how much I loved her until it was too late...

Answer - yes, pretty much.

You are where you are now because of the reality of your actions. They had a specific result. There are no "do-overs" and even though you loved her you treated her the way you did. And even though she loved you, she doesn't any more because of the way things went.

These are true statements of how things feel one way initially, but you end up somewhere else because the real-world ramifications of the life you lead.

So, I repeat, I see your continuing to ask, "Yes, I did this, but now I understand and want her, how do I get her?" or "I just need to know what she is thinking" as pretty much too late. It's water under the bridge.

Sometimes things are exactly like they appear. Done. Feelings aside, it's still over.

Next girl you date, keep in mind that your feelings for her are only relevant if your actions fully support what you feel (which yours didn't for most of that story above) and are returned in kind by your girl (which hers no longer do in the story above.) You need to both get that right at the same time in your next story.

Your next story really will be with another girl. You should most likely not discount qualified sikh-Indian girls that stumble into your path.

Ok, I hear you, and agree with most of what you are saying. But at the same time, I don't believe her feelings just changed overnight. Her mindset towards me and the baggage I have definitely changed, but the feelings of love towards me are still there.

I know its my fault and I should just let it go. My friends keep telling me the same thing, that I have had loads of girlfriends before, some a lot hotter than this one, but the truth is, no one else has got as close as she did and I don't know if I could let anyone that close again.

I asked her the last time I saw her, that if I had told her all these things a month or two before we split, would it have made a difference, she said 'she doesn't know and I can't ask that sort of thing now its all over'...

I understand that the situatuion was not compatible, but what if I am willing to change the situation? What then?

I know she is still attracted to me and that the passion would still be there...

You are your own enemy here. You are finding every possible false hope and giving it feet.

You don't believe her feelings changed overnight? You're right, they probably didn't. You did this to her slowly and steadily with your consistent misbehavior. She may have finally admitted the effect "all at once", but no, this didn't happen overnight. So what? The results are what they are.

What if you're willing to change? Yeah, what if? You actually don't have a choice. You WILL have to change, and I expect you will. That doesn't change any of the water that's passed under your bridge.

The "what if" game you're playing with the FACTS are pointless, except in correcting your behavior in the future in your next Adventure In Dating. You will have a next adventure, regardless of the moping you're going through now.

You "know" she's attracted to you...Dude, seriously. You cannot create a reality that ignores facts. I get it, you're sorry NOW, and that's good. But "I'm sorry, I'm going to be different" doesn't change anything for HER. Nor is it required to.

You want to be different? Then try by stopping this continuing habit of disregarding other people's feelings and truths in favor of your own. You're still doing it. Now that you want things to be different, you aren't willing/able to accept her truth and let her be. How is this you acting any different from before?

Time to try again, this time with someone new, with someone who doesn't already have plenty of good reason to ignore your interest in her.

Quote:

If we love each other then nothing else should matter.

Everything matters, and will affect you at some point or another. To think otherwise is unrealistic. This ain't no movie or romance novel.

Your best option is to focus on you, and your own life, and leave hers alone. WHY? So you can heal, and see things clearly without the emotional haze your looking through now.

Her feelings have changed and you put family first, so she decided to move on with her life, and so should you.

Love doesn't conquer all, but two people working together will, and neither of you is ready for that. It happens in life, and you have to cope with it.

Before you do anything, let the emotional dust settle, and make a good decision for yourself.

In other words, stop the contact, and deal with the healing process, just so you can think clearly, with your brain, which is still overloaded with feelings.

Sure. I could start again with someone new and not make the same mistakes again and create a more 'compatible situation' but is this relationship not worth fighting for?

I never treated her badly and always showed her a lot of love and attention. The only mistake, and obviously in your opinion a big one, was not knowing what I wanted until it was too late.

Is that really a hanging offence? I mean, come on, id say most people (regardless of whether they were in my situation or not) would have no idea if they were ready to commit to there partner for the rest of there life after 2 yrs of being with one another.

Yeah, your right in that if I love her then just respect what she said and let it go. And that is what I am doing by not hassling her anymore and trying to stay out of her life. But at the same time Im going insane without her and just want to know if she is feeling the same way.

Im in a position now that if I wanted to make a change and go against my family I could. Im not financially dependent on them anymore, but it would still be a ty thing to go through.

As for not discounting qualified indian/sikh girls, yeah sure, but to be honest I have never been interested in them, not a school, university or now. So I guess I'm just screwed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Everything matters, and will affect you at some point or another. To think otherwise is unrealistic. This ain't no movie or romance novel.

Your best option is to focus on you, and your own life, and leave hers alone. WHY? So you can heal, and see things clearly without the emotional haze your looking thru now.

Her feelings have changed and you put family first, so she decided to move on with her life, and so should you.

Love doesn't conquer all, but two people working together will, and neither of you is ready for that. It happens in life, and you have to cope with it.

Before you do anything, let the emotional dust settle, and make a good decision for yourself.

In other words, stop the contact, and deal with the healing process, just so you can think clearly, with your brain, which is still overloaded with feelings.

Thanks, some of my friends and family (who know about her) and said this as well. Just leave it 3-6 months and my thinking will be more rational.

But what if Im still thinking of her in 3-6 months, what then? Do I contact her and try to be friends to see if the old feelings come back?

Or just leave it as friends? Because the biggest hurt I'm feeling right now is not having her to talk to. As well as my GF she was/is my best friend as well.

Or is this a totally dead issue?

Alternatively I could wait 3-6 months and post on here again for your suggestion. :D

As I said, the moping you're going through now is normal. It feels like the end of the world because... well, it's the end of the relationship. That feels like the same thing right now.

You appear to have a very dramatic way of expressing yourself, you seem to state the extreme of whatever you think. You should rethink that, as it could be very hard on the people around you.

I'm guessing you don't even realize that, either.

Is your big offense a hanging offense? (chuckle) There's that drama... see how easy it is to construct questions that put you above it all? Get off the pedestal, step down INTO situations you experience. You have to connect with people DURING, not through after-the-fact analysis.

You don't always get points with girls for knowing why you screwed up and hurt them. You DO need to figure those things out, you just don't get points for doing it.

You'd say most people would have no idea if they were ready to commit to [their] partner for the rest of [their] life after 2 yrs of being with one another? Wow, I hate to keep saying this, but if you said that, you would be wrong. NOT knowing clearly that the person you're dating is life-match-compatible after 2 years of dating is not normal.

What is more common is that people DO KNOW there are clear, harsh and most likely irreconcilable differences and they keep dating this person anyway... usually because of that "love that makes everything else not matter" you offered up earlier. It's unfortunate. Common, but unfortunate.

It only takes about 4 months of solid dating for the "courting behavior" to subside and two people start acting normally to one another. After a year or so of dating the REAL person, you should know. Truly. There are some rare situational exceptions, I'm sure. But most people aren't exceptions, regardless of how adamantly they think they are.

Nutshell - Nobody is picking on you. You're not even really being punished here by your ex. She's accepted the differences between you, and you have not. So the only one being dramatic about this is you. Again, it's understandable, but...

I believe the 6 month reset period is a great idea. Well, actually, it's going to happen anyway, so what I really mean is just embrace it.
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What do you do? I don't know, get involved in some community activities? Resist reducing your happiness to whether you've got a girlfriend or not.

Quote:

Originally Posted by High Max

Also, this story sounds a bit like me in the end of my relationship. She too was my first true love. I was cold and distant to her in the end, she packed up and left. I tried everything, I bought books on how to get your ex back, I read internet articles, I faked a car accident, nothing worked.

Here is what I'd recommend. Maybe hit the gym, take up new activities, hang out with a lot of friends. If you want her back, you must show that you are a real man who has a busy life and doesnt NEED her in his life to be happy. Don't call back in a month and tell her how much you miss her. Tell her things have been great, and maybe she will even agree to hang out with you. Make it casual, lunch or something. There is a small possibility she will see that she has missed you and be willing to work it out.

My girlfriend moved 5 hours away when we brokeup, so this wasnt an option for me. And ontop of that, I made myself look like an obsessive clinger, a real wussy. Before you do anything stupid, think this through. After we broke up, I may have had a chance to get her back, but I was bitter and angry and kept harassing her about it until I drove her away.

I called her for the first time in months to wish her a happy birthday but never got an answer to my voicemail. I made my true love hate me and I don't want it to happen to anyone else. Just dont even talk to her for another few weeks, work on yourself, and try and get her out to do something with you. Do NOT start talking about the relationship or bringing up bad memories. If she does, tell her you can talk about them another time but that today is a day for fun.

I think this is your only option, or just let it go.

This happened to me some months ago. I agree with High Max.Give her time and don't be clingy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shorn9

This happened to me some months ago. I agree with High Max.Give her time and dont be clingy.

Thanks dude. Just hating that 'all is lost' feeling.

I know the feeling. It gets better with time.