PTSD getting the better of me
I'm a combat vet. I have PTSD. When I first came home I was cold to the bone. I couldn't feel anything for anyone. Then I started lashing out at family members and others. Saying hurtful things when they bothered me. I thought I was getting better at one point, I had a good job and I was working out every day. My social life started picking up. I met a girl. Fell completely in love with her. We dated for almost two years but I had trust issues. It didn't help that she was gorgeous, flirtatious and strong willed. I tried to communicate with her and even gave her a book on ptsd. I don't think she took it seriously. One night we got into a fight and she punched me in the face, I immediately hit the wall. She started trying to egg me on, telling me to hit her, she was treating it as foreplay. I tried to tell her that I don't want to access the violent part of me. She called me boring. I thought she was a reckless free spirit and she told me that I was too controlling and overprotective. I agree that I am overprotective but the world I have seen is dangerous. Anyhow, she left me for a "friend" of mine and basically advertised it. I mean, come on, I'm a guy with trust issues and up two three people betrayed me. So I feel a little angry, depressed and my ptsd symptoms are acting up. In an attempt to overcompensate for being so twisted inside I acted very open with all of these people. I was very complimentary and caring. They saw it as me being insecure. I was just trying to learn how to be close with people again. I feel like going cold again. I'm just in a really dark place right now. All of these "kids" involved just don't get it. The amount of energy I expend to control myself is exhausting.