Please help I need advice I discovered my husband of 29 years was flirting with another woman 3 yrs ago there were huge rows he left came back but I have never been right since he insisted it was just someone he could talk to! But since that time he has become a private person wheile I became a 'detective' two weeks ago I found another woman (who is married) he has been texting (145 textx in a month) he doesn't know yet that I know her name,address, workplace husbands name - he walked out last week saying that he couldn't see a way forward for us well I am at rock bottom at the minute he says he loves me to bits - if that's the case then why hide the facts about the messages, I hve told him that if he is not coming back thenthings have to be sorted he says that he wants to sort things out (back together or divorce I don't know he's giving nothing away ) but I need a decision so that I can try to move on he wants to meet up to sort things but it has left me feeling totally worthless and my confidence has been shot how can I make him think that I am not a mess any ideas on what to say or do to handle this meeting with dignity and appear strong - for once in my life. Please don't tell me I am a fool or idiot as I have already thought that about myself . The thing is I love him to bits and I took my marriage vows seriously

Well, as I see it you have two choices. One, accept the situation as it is and stay with him and let him have his affairs or what ever he is doing with the other woman, or two, get a lawyer and file for divorce and get a restraining order giving him like 3 hours to get his personal stuff out of the house. There is no reason to accept a cheating spouse. I am not a proponent of divorce, however unless both of you are willing to commit to some serious counselling there is not much else you can do.

Try to remind yourself that the more you seem desperate, the more he will believe he has the upper hand and will carry on with this behavior.

If you really feel you will have a hard time appearing as though you are 'together', collected and strong (which I agree that you should try hard to do), when meeting him try to say a little as possible, let him do all the talking. If he asks why you are being quiet, tell him you are 'going over' things in your mind. After you've heard what he has to say, if again you feel you cannot manage your emotions, tell him you would like some time to think about what he has said and that you will contact him to discuss it further.

I realise that this is appearing more like a business negotiation than a conversation between husband and wife but you will better your position but not responding to him out of emotion. Meet with him, say very little, listen to what he tells you, go back home and decide what is best for you and what you want to do, then go back to him with what you've decided you want to say.

There is also a strong possibility that if he gets the sense that you are being strong throughout this, that A) he will get a wake-up call from the realisation that you may very well be able to carry on without him and B) If your intentions would be to try and work things out, he may appreciate that you haven't come to this decision because you simply cannot live without him but instead, that you want to work on your marriage.

I'm not sure what to tell you regarding the messages he exchanges with other women other than clearly there is something missing in the relationship. If he feels the need to seek a connection with another woman, be it a physical relationship or an emotional one, it is because the both of you most likely have some needs that are not being met. If somewhere down the road you decided to work it out, I believe your marriage would benefit from some type of counselling.

Good luck!

Is he going through his mid life crisis? Have the kids left the nest yet?? How old are you?

Next time he leaves, lock the door, and let him sleep on the porch. Instead of letting him drag you down emotional, let him go crazy.

I think most of his drama is to get a reaction from you. You should stand your ground though, as you would a impetuous child.

Be firm. Don't take him back until he act like he has some sense.

Hello talaniman I'm 48 years old and yes my son and daughter have both left home. He agrees things need to be sorted and was supposed to let me know today when to meet up but its now 10pm uk time and I have heard nothing I was going to text him but after reading your reply I have decided not to because I know he will be expecting me to. Many thanks and I mean that.