Ask Me Help Desk - Courage to move on - cheated on / nc /friends

Courage to move on - cheated on / nc /friends

Hi, this is my first post here, but I have been lurking around reading some insightful posts.

My girlfriend and I of 1.5 years broke up almost 2 months ago and before we broke up, she had cheated on me with 2 other guys, about 1 week before we broke up. I had found out and confronted her about it. I was mad as hell and so hurt, nothing I've experienced before. I was so heartbroken. :( She did not regret what she did when I confronted her, not until a couple weeks later.

I'm struggling with 3 things right now: my ego/self-esteem, she wants to be friends, and doing no contact.

My life just hasn't been the same, my ego is shot, myself esteem is low, my confidence is low and all aspects of my life have been affected. I think, the act of her cheating has made me feel emasculated, and so low on myself. Usually, I would consider myself a man among men, someone who's confident, funny, has goals in life, has direction, has passion and pretty optimistic on life. But what my ex-gf had done and the way I found out and she not telling me, I just haven't been the same.

Second thing is, she wants to be friends again, is this a good idea?

Third: no contact. I guess this is similar to be friends. This NC thing is so hard, its been broken 5 times since then, 4 times were her initiation.

I appreciate any insights anyone would have. Thanks. :)

First of all, I am sorry that you are feeling this pain. You found a good place to vent and ask for advice!
Now, my advice: go STRICT NC NOW! That means change your phone number, get rid of anything that reminds you of her, and if you have a Facebook or Myspace page, get rid of it! By doing this you are beginning the "detox" period of emotional loss and suffering. Also, read the stickies at the top of this forum, as they are wonderful. I am in pain as you are, but just farther along the path. NC does work, and it starts with you. Erase her from your life... treat it like a death and focus on YOU.

My ex if three years cheated on me don't do the friends crap I did. Not long before she was telling me about her new crush and I felt like crap. Go nc cold nc forget her. Don't make the same mistake I did.

1. She's the low life that cheated, she is the one who the next guy she dates will have to explain to him about it. Hit the gym, get your confidence back up

2. Nope

3. When she tries to talk, IGNORE HER

Its normal for yourself esteem and ego to be hurt after being cheated on, however, that doesn't make it right. In reality, it was her insecurities and problems within her character that drove her to cheat to begin with. The only way your going to get your confidence and self-esteem back is by knowing that it isn't you. Going to the gym and finding new hobbies also helps :p

Don't try to friends thing. It doesn't work. I could give you the story of my attempt and how it hurt over and over again, but its just like those of half the people here.

And yes, total NC. Ignore her attempts. Your just easing her guilt by talking to her.

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I'm struggling with 3 things right now: my ego/self-esteem,

Building a life that you enjoy without her in it will restore that self esteem, and reading the stickies in this forum will give you some excellent insights and advice how to do that.

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she wants to be friends,

NO WAY!!

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and doing no contact.

You tried but haven't done NC yet. Strict No Contact, and no back sliding this time.

Part of your problem is your letting the girl play with your head, cut it out!! NC!!

1) Self esteem should not be priority one in our live but we can not live without it... there are many ways for getting yourself esteem back (you will be stronger than before after)... you can start with gym but I would suggest reading books

2) Why emain friends... deep inside you don't want that thing... bring that to surface... if she ask you tell her that

3) NC always work my friend

You may be in a bad place now... make the first step to leave that place... believe me, trust me, after a month or two you will be stronger with a better and also sharper mind...

So... do things that will give yourself esteem, send her to hell and ignore everything about her... then lets talk who is better (she or you)

My best wishes...
I know you are a strong person... show that to others, expose this to yourself

Thanks for all your support and replies. All replies have had the same message, so it's a matter of doing it now.

:)

It isn't all about just doing it... it is about wanting to do it! I literally tell myself each day that I want to get better and I want her out of my life TOTALLY. Along with "doing it" comes actually believing in what you are doing and also wanting to get over this! You will be awesome, just be patient and DO NOT break the NC. It will hurt more in the long run. Good luck.

Its so sad that people can do this it makes me so scared but its good to see that there is nice people out there with advice.. goodluck hey :)

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Originally Posted by emotional Girl

Its so sad that people can do this it makes me so scared but its good to see that there is nice people out there with advice.. goodluck hey :)

Do not be scared! Embrace life for what it is and don't linger on what it isn't. Sometimes really crappy stuff happens, and the thing people forget is that without the bitter, the sweet just ain't as sweet. Some things just really suck, but in the end we emerge stronger, better and more prepared for life.

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Originally Posted by f33

My life just hasn't been the same, my ego is shot, my self esteem is low, my confidence is low and all aspects of my life have been affected. I think, the act of her cheating has made me feel emasculated, and so low on myself. Usually, I would consider myself a man among men, someone who's confident, funny, has goals in life, has direction, has passion and pretty optimistic on life. But what my ex-gf had done and the way I found out and she not telling me, I just haven't been the same.

First, let me say to you that I've been there and I know what you mean about it effecting yourself esteem. I know this may not mean anything right now, but you have to believe this and hold on to it. Your cheating ex-girlfriends sluty behavior is a reflection on her... not on you. If she thinks so little of herself, and of her relationship that she has to act like that then you self esteem may be "hiding" at the moment but it will come back, her self esteem is crap and will probably never get better if this is her idea of how people should be treated, especially people that care about her.

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Originally Posted by f33

Second thing is, she wants to be friends again, is this a good idea?

Hell no. Everyone here posting is a better friend to you then she is. We actually give a damn about yourself esteem and wouldn't willing attempt to screw with your emotions. Now nobody's perfect, but what she did was cold, calculating, cruel, and with out regret. Not only is she a horrible girlfriend, she's a horrible friend. She's pretty much just a horrible human being and not somebody you should be around.

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Originally Posted by f33

Third: no contact. I guess this is similar to be friends. This NC thing is so hard, its been broken 5 times since then, 4 times were her initiation.

It is hard, and I have to tell you she is going to keep trying and trying to talk to you. She believes that your weak and if you talk to her and remain friends, then she's can manipulate her even further. Let her know, through actions, not words that you are not to be toyed with.

Your ego shouldn't be the one shot. She is the one who cheated. And I personally wouldn't want to be friends. You will always remember the memories yous had when yous were together. Believe me I know.

Don't be friends with her. Your just going to prolong the hurt for yourself. I tried the friends thing with me ex after she broke-up with me, thinking that we would get back together later. Then I found out months later she was sleeping with this other guy and did not have the heart to tell me because she "didn't want to hurt me". Well I'll tell you what finding out that and waiting so long to go NC hurts even more. Don't do what I did.

You want friendship with someone who cheated on you?? That's so sick.

Give yourself a year to see how you feel about being friends, with someone who has disregarded your feelings, and disrespected your companionship!

How dare she suggest that you two be friends after what she did to you. Such a blatant lack of disrespect and disregard for your feelings.. Oh, and an FYI. Not all women cheat because you aren't enough of a man, some are just like men, they can't control their sex drive and will cheat on ANYONE.

If you do speak to her again, tell her that the idea of being her friend is laughable and hang up on her.