Ask Me Help Desk - Crazy to want more kids?

As some of you know, I have a month old baby, plus my adopted nephew and niece who are 4 and 6 years old. So, 3 children. But I want MORE! Not right away, but in a couple of years I would like another baby or to adopt another child. If I had my way, I think I would eventually like to have 5 or 6 kids. I've always wanted a big family, and now that I have my first three and am enjoying them all so much, I want more more more! :D

However, my friends are all saying 3 is a large family already, and I am crazy to want more children. One of my friends also says that it's the hormones talking, because I just had a baby. My husband Alex has left the decision entirely up to me, as I am the one who is with the children the majority of the time, and money is not a big issue for us. We can afford it.

Anyway I'm just curious what everyone thinks, thanks!

Yes... yes, you are crazy. It's the hormones talking. Put down the digital camera and step away from the crib. :)

Seriously though, if I were you I would take some time to adjust to the new lifestyle to make sure that you can give all the kids the time required to feel special and loved in their new family.

I'm going to have to go with your friends on this one... you're crazy! Lol :p

Your not crazy at all. It is a beautiful thing. Children and there is nothing wrong with big families. Remember the olden days of 18 children, 12 children just as examples.

Joe

You are not crazy at all Chava!! I am 41 and have 4 children myself. Ages are 19, 18, 12 & 4. I would give anything to have more, but hubby says no because of a form of breast cancer I had 10 years ago. In this instance the estrogen from pregnancy can form new kinds of cancer. So... I have resigned to adoption after I graduate Nursing School.

Just wait a while though!

A six pack of them is fun, orange!

... sometimes, that is.

I agree with NeedK... at least for now. Think about it for at least a few months.

I'm crazy, I'm not crazy, I'm crazy, I'm not crazy... LOL! Thanks for all the input though guys.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeedKarma

Seriously though, if I were you I would take some time to adjust to the new lifestyle to make sure that you can give all the kids the time required to feel special and loved in their new family.

This is a very good point. I struggle with worrying that the 2 older kids get enough attention from me. They get quite a bit of attention from me together, but I would like to have more one on one time with them. Currently I take each child out for a special outing (just me and one kid) once a week. Right now that amounts to only about 4-5 hours a week, but once Noah is old enough he will want his outing too, and if I had 2-3 more kids I'd have to spend about 15 hours or more on "private" outings, LOL. And yes I am very concerned that the 2 older kids feel special and wanted, especially since they're adopted and Noah isn't. Right now my parents are living with us, and they give a lot of attention to the kids as well. When they leave at the end of September, the kids will need / want me more. Anyway, it's a good thing to consider... I also want to get back to my artwork at some point, but the more kids I have the harder that will be. And who knows, I may get tired and burned out after a while! So far I haven't, but it's something I should probably consider seriously.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

Your not crazy at all. It is a beautiful thing. Children and there is nothing wrong with big families. Remember the olden days of 18 children, 12 children just as examples.

Well I'm not sure I want THAT many kids haha but I do agree it's wonderful to have them. I also kind of think that a big family is good for the kids in a lot of ways... as long as everyone gets along fairly well. The kids always have someone to play with and are never lonely, and there will be a large extended family once they are grown up. I was an only child myself, and really hated it, but I when I was in foster care, I enjoyed the homes that had several other kids very much! Abd by the way Joe I tried to give you rep and got that spread around message once again... I will try later, though!

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

You are not crazy at all Chava!!! I am 41 and have 4 children myself. Ages are 19, 18, 12 & 4. I would give anything to have more, but hubby says no because of a form of breast cancer I had 10 years ago. In this instance the estrogen from pregnancy can form new kinds of cancer. So.... I have resigned to adoption after I graduate Nursing School.

Just wait a while though!!

Sorry to hear about the breast cancer. My biological mother died of breast cancer that had metastasized to the liver. It's good though at least, that you know you can prevent more cancer by not having more kids. And adoption is awesome. Since I spent a lot of time in foster care, I think it's great to give an unwanted child a home. I just saw a documentary on W5 (a Canadian show) about the orphans in the Ukraine, and how virtually all of them grow up unadopted only to become drug addicts and sex trade workers. Both my husband and I feel that if we decide to adopt, we are going to the Ukraine for a child. I was really moved by that show!

I also agree with you that I should wait a little while. I definitely do want to have another baby though, probably in about 2 years. I'm already planning it all out LOL. :D

Anyway thanks guys, you've given me lots to think about on both sides of the coin!

No reason to be sorry Chava, read my Introduction, was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Be very careful about going to the Ukraine to adopt a child. Apparently in the Ukraine there are so many children that have been given up that there are not enough people to give early attention to these children. There are two couples in my city that have done this and have found that the children they have adopted have had serious psychological problems.

Yes it seemed that way in the show I saw, too... they had whole rooms of babies in poor conditions, just left alone basically, and many of them were sick and malnourished. Reminds me of what happened in Romania 10-15 years ago. Still, there was a lady on the show who had adopted her 13 year old as a baby from the Ukraine, and she was doing well. But I totally understand what you're saying... it's a gamble when you adopt a child from a foreign country, or any child for that matter. My husband and I have also thought of China. A friend of ours has 5 adopted children from China, all girls. So that's another possibility.

I have several friends who have adopted from China and they are all very happy. My sister-in-law was adopted from Germany and there were no problems.

For some reason the problems come from Russia, Ukraine and Romania. I don't know why, I guess the babies do not get the attention they need.

I was the youngest of 5. Some are saying that with that many kids, you don't have time to give them all the attention they need. I don't know how much attention I was supposed to have... I didn't have a whole lot from my parents, they both worked. I actually had a lot of time to myself when I was young. It wasn't a bad thing. The time I did have with my folks was great. I don't feel any resentment for my parents not spending more time with me at all. They did the best they could.

I think the hardest thing (note: I didn't say it was a "bad" thing) with having a lot of children is the generation gap between you and your youngest.

My oldest brother is 43... my daughters grandma (on her monthers side) is only 41. My Father is 66... older than some of my friends grandparents. My borhter is closer to most of their parents age.

Because of this, there always seemed to be a gap between my Father and I. Its as if he didn't know how to connect with me very much. He was quite strict and stern but he was raised in the depression... in the meantime, my friends parents are throwback hippies... two totally different times raising the same generation.

I still can't say it was a bad thing.. I am extremely grateful for my parents and, like I said, I think they did the very best they could for me and my brothers and sisters. After all, that's why I am the way I am today!

Thanks so much for sharing your experience, Jason! I'm glad you didn't feel neglected by your parents... that reassures me a bit.

I do worry a bit about the generation gap thing... although I am still fairly young (26) and so my oldest, Shaina, will be a grown woman of 20 by the time I'm 40, and Levi will be voting age. And by the time I'm 65, Noah (my current youngest, haha) will be 39, so not too much younger than me. But yeah if I keep having kids for another 10 years or so LOL the kids will be quite a bit younger.

Not all people in their 60s act old and stodgy though, haha. My adopted parents are 64 and 66, and they are quite "progressive"... probably because they are a social worker and a psychiatrist, and also because they had their biological kids late... their 2 sons are 26 and 28. They watch some MTV shows (although I think it's more to keep up with the younger generation than anything else, LOL), still go on rollercoasters and have no embarrassment when it comes to condoms, sex ed, etc. They are actually quite fun to have around. They take my kids to Fuddruckers twice a week, which gives me a nice break. Anyway I hope to maintain some of my youthfulness, at least in attitude, as I get older. I'm sure my kids will be very embarrassed by me at some point but oh well! :rolleyes:

Btw, how old is your daughter?

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

I have several friends who have adopted from China and they are all very happy. My sister-in-law was adopted from Germany and there were no problems.

For some reason the problems come from Russia, Ukraine and Romania. I don't know why, I guess the babies do not get the attention they need.

Oh that's interesting about Germany being a good place to adopt... but I guess that would have been quite a few years ago.

Yeah the children are not treated well in the orphanages... not enough attention, as you mentioned. Plus many of the parents who abandon them are alcoholics and drug addicts themselves, and many of the mothers were using while pregnant. Although, my biological mother was addicted to valium and took it the whole time she was pregnant with me, and I turned out relatively okay I think. I did have valium withdrawal when I was born though, and failure to thrive.

That's good to know about China. We will continue to keep that in mind as well!

I don't want to give the impression that my parents are stiffs lol and I do agree that age is a matter of the mind... however, we are certainly products of our society (no, not 100% but it has a definite impact).

My daughter is 8 1/2.

I really want to have 2 kids... I am so very thankful for my older brother. We are 3 years apart. That is my regret... I wish I would have had a second child that was much closer to my daughter. She loves other kids and especially babies. I want her to have a younger brother or sister but I really wish the age gap was closer.

There are 15 years between me and my oldest brother, 12 years between me and my oldest sister, and 10 years between my other sister and I.

I grew up never knowing them really at all. We try now to make up for the lost time now but its just not the same... We will never be as close as my other brother and I.

Jason, my daughter is 8 1/2 years older than my youngest son. Was the best thing I have ever done. She was so mature and is now like a 2nd mom to him. Waiting was the best thing I have ever done. Johnny loves Raechell as much as he loves me. He really looks up to her. You may be doing a good thing, especially if she loves babies.

My 6 year old (who's actually 7 in September) loves babies, too... she can't get enough of Noah. She's very good at holding him, feeding him, and can change a diaper really well too! Levi, my 4 year old son, just wants to wrestle with Noah and pick the baby up by his head LOL yikes! I guess there's a difference between boys and girls.

I agree with you, J_9! If I have another baby in 2 years, Shaina will be almost 9 years older than him/her. But I don't think it's going to be a big deal, since she loves babies. Jason, if your daughter wants a sibling, it's not too late (unless you aren't sure about having more kids). I was an only child and I was very lonely. I have an adopted family now, but I regret not having any siblings. Even if they were significantly older than me it would be nice, especially since my biological parents are deceased.

Well, circumstances with my ex-wife prevented my from having another child. I wasn't in the right place or with the right person to even think about more kids until now. My current girlfriend and I have been discussing it and we do want to have a child together still.

Im not against it.. but I treasured having my brother to grow up with and I just wish I could have given my daughter the same thing.

Yeah the relationship you had with your brother sounds really cool! Your daughter might still be able to have a relationship like that with a friend, though. I have a friend I've known since grade school who is basically a sister to me, that's how close we are.

Hey Chava, you are amazing!

I too wanted a lot of children, but my health did not allow it.

As suggested, it could be hormones at this time that are giving you such a strong urge to have more right now. Give yourself a few months to recover and then reassess your situation. You will have plenty of time to have more - no matter when. Age does not matter to children.

My brothers came along when I was 11 and 12 - they are my half-brothers, but I still love them. It's not their fault that my mother used me to raise them. One lives closer to you than he does to me now, in Oregon. I sure hope that I can give you a phone call when I go visit him around Christmas time.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/7/7_17_4.gifRelax, give yourself time to enjoy the 'babies' you have now, let them have your 'quality time with them'. They, and you, deserve it.

Thanks Chery... yeah haha I plan on waiting a couple of years before getting pregnant again or adopting. So that should be enough time for all the hormones to get out of my system.

I would be very honored and excited if you wanted to call me sometime around Christmas. Actually when are you in Oregon? Because we are going to be in Seattle, WA in January! Maybe we could come down to Oregon for a day and meet you... it's really not that much further. In any event, I'd be happy for a phonecall! :)

Thank dear, and I would be just as excited about meeting you. I don't have definite plans yet, but do plan on visiting my brother sometime soon. I just have to find a place to live, help my daughter with the birth of her first, and be there for her for a while. Things should be settled a little by Christmas time or shortly after so that I can fly to the States and see John. I really miss him a lot and can't wait to see him again.

Will keep you updated when I know more.