Do you think its fair that my boyfriend can tell me what I can and can't do but when I try to tell him something he gets ty and he don't listen to me. For instance I am not allowed to go to a party without him because he thinks I will flirt and act stupid but if he is invited to a party he can go and I have no say in it. He says that he thinks he can go because he has a cell phone and I will always be able to call him and know what he is doing but I don't have a cell phone so he would have no idea what I am doing. So therefore I am not allowed to go party with my friends. And when he goes to his friends granet I know he wants to get away and just hang with the guys but when he has something going on or planned he never ing invites me and it makes me feel like he don't want to hang out with me and do fun things together. By the way we live together. I mean I believe that if I am not allowed to do something neither is he! Its only fair. Like tonight he went to a wedding which is fine because he went with his friend and my boyfriend wasn't even invited so he could not ask if I could go. But then after the reception I call him and he is at a ing party and he said he didn't even know about the party until 3 hours ago. I mean he told me who all was over there but how in the hell am I supposed to know that?? How do I know if he is really telling me who is there. And why the hell is he at a party when he said he was going to the reception and going back to his friends house. And why the am I never invited to these parties?

What do you expect, putting up with being told what to do?

He is insecure and selfish, and as long as you let him tell you what to do, and when to do it, you will always feel the way you do now.

No its not fair, so the real question is what are you going to do to change your situation??

I just think that if he don't want me to do something then he shoulnt be able to do that either. I actually just told himt hat tonight. And he said that it isn't the same because I don't have a cell phone and he does. And I will always know what he is doing and I can call him as many times I want to. I do trust him I know he don't cheat on me and I know that he is a good man to me. But sometimes I think he gets to jealous and controlling. I kind of understand because he was with his ex for 3 years and he was getting ready to ask for her hand in marriage and she cheated on him and did all this behind his back. And the last time me and him partied he said I was flirting with a guy but I don't remember ever flirting with a guy. And that caused me and him to get into a big fight and he told me I am not allowed to go to parties by myself because I was flirting wit a guy. But I think that if I am not allowed to go to a party neither should he. Its only fair. I want to put my foot down and tell him he can't go to those things without me because its only fair which I already told him but if I actually threaten him with it. It will turn into a big huge argument, and I hate arguing with him. Should I just let it go because I know he don't cheat on me and he is good to me? Or do I have every right to feel this way? And shld I understand his reasons he don't want me to go by myself to a party?

If your going to put up with this BS, stop complaining about what's fair or not.

Dump him, and party all you want.

I think that you should either confront him, or end it. There is no point in being with someone that controlling. You're right that isn't fair, so say something. If he doesn't agree, or if he doesn't want to change, leave him?

Before you do anything though, you need to communicate. By the way, don't be too confident in thinking that he won't cheat, I was in the same boat, and girl you'll be surprise of how many people will be up to that even if they went through it before. Keep your mind open, expect everything.

Yea well its kind of hard to dump someone when you love and care about them . I don't want to break up I because we do have a good reltionship we just fiht like regular couples do.I just want to know how I can tell him he can't do it without us getting into a fight. Or should I just understand why he feels the way he does.

He is falling back on his past relationship (comparing every woman with her) and that is NOT fair. You cannot get him to change either - he has to learn this all by himself.

He might not cheat on you but he's still free to to as he pleases or you'll wind up being controlled by him for the rest of your life and in fear of having fights just because you want to express yourself - and you have every right to. Can you really see yourself like this forever? I'd rather live alone and go out and have some fun instead of never being able to stand up for myself again. You are going to loose your self-respect and identity. He's already identified all women with the one that cheated on him, and nothing you do or say will change his mind.

You might need to leave him for a while to get him to wake up to what he has in YOU and not what he had in her... He might realize what he's missing if he gets the chance to miss you and rethink his life for a change.

Good luck dear.

Next time, could you please make it easier for me to read, by using punctuation and no 'shorthand'. I'm kind of old-fashioned that way.

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I understand that you love him and you care for each other, but love isn't just flowers and sunshines. Obviously right? All I can think of is sit down with him and talk about it. See his side, and tell him your side. I'm sure things will work out if you truly love each other. Don't worry. You shouldn't feel like he is right though, it is never right to be that controlling; nonetheless, leave without you to "parties."

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Originally Posted by rippedinside

I think that you should either confront him, or end it. There is no point in being with someone that controlling. You're right that isn't fair, so say something. If he doesn't agree, or if he doesn't want to change, leave him?

Before you do anything though, you need to communicate. By the way, don't be too confident in thinking that he won't cheat, I was in the same boat, and girl you'll be surprise of how many people will be up to that even if they went through it before. Keep your mind open, expect everything.

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Yea I know what you mean. But shld I understand why he feels the way he does because of his ex and my oppsed flirting? I already talked to him about it tonight he asked me if that was how I really felt and I said yes then he explained how he didn't know he was going to a party and he had no choice because jason is his ride home from the wedding. And then he said that its different because when I go to parties he don't know where / what I am doing but I can call him all I want to. And when a guy don't invite their girl to a party what does that mean? Does it mean that he just wants to be alone for a while and have fun with his friends or does it mean he wants to flirt and pretend to be single?

I totally agree with you I think when he comes home I will talk to him about it. And if he don't agree or see eye to eye then I don't know what will happen. I am just so confused! This is the first guy that I have been with that I really love and feel connected to. And also the first guy I have ever lived with . I am not used to stuff like this! So I don't know what to think! I really don't know how to react to anything.

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Originally Posted by Chery

He is falling back on his past relationship (comparing every woman with her) and that is NOT fair. You cannot get him to change either - he has to learn this all by himself.

He might not cheat on you but he's still free to to as he pleases or you'll wind up being controlled by him for the rest of your life and in fear of having fights just because you want to express yourself - and you have every right to. Can you really see yourself like this forever? I'd rather live alone and go out and have some fun instead of never being able to stand up for myself again. You are going to loose your self-respect and identity. He's already identified all women with the one that cheated on him, and nothing you do or say will change his mind.

You might need to leave him for a while to get him to wake up to what he has in YOU and not what he had in her... He might realize what he's missing if he gets the chance to miss you and rethink his life for a change.

Good luck dear.

Next time, could you please make it easier for me to read, by using punctuation and no 'shorthand'. I'm kind of old-fashioned that way.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

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Lol thanks you made me fee better. I will just talk to him about it when he comes home and I just hope it won't turn into a argument. And that we will compromise something. And sorry about the writing I am kind of lazy lol

My god sweet heart.

Where is the love. I mean from him and for yourself?
I mean come on. Your not living with your dad are you?

We tell you to get rid of him
But yet you say you love him?

Your not going to be one of these girls that get hit, and then say, but I love him... are you?
Because that's how silly it sounds

I say leave him. If not then put up with it, and go ahead with letting peope control you.

I personaly think you can do so much better. Hey listen I know this is your first guy. But that sure as hell does not mean he is the right one, or the ONLY one. OK.

Don't be scared to go out and find better things.

I think I will just tell him how I feel when he gets here and see how that goes. I hope he understand as do I with how he feels with the situation. Thanks for the posts I will tell everyone what happens when I talk to him. And as for a guy hitting a girl I would never let that happen my mom was abused by my father so I have seen the pain and suffering. I would never in a million years let someone abuse me or even control me so much that it makes me helpless and I am not myself.

There's a first time for everything in life. We are born, learn to walk, talk, and develop an identity. Through this, we continue to grow and learn every day.

You are learning about your emotional feelings for another person, a partner, where this will take you is up to you both. You can, through your strong values, determine where your life goes on from here on.

You can have a heart to heart talk, even though you might argue (which is also part of a partnership) - letting him know that you are NOT his ex and never will be. You can also let him know that he should not attempt to mold any future woman in his life into his vision of the 'perfect woman' and expect her to give up her own identity just for him. That he has to learn to trust you and care for you as an entity that has nothing to do with his past.

Take him by the hand and both of you set on an entirely new path, leaving the past behind. If he is willing to take this journey with you this will benefit you both. But he has to be willing to try and trust you. Tell him that he can get you a cell phone if he feels more secure in you having one - but he does need to let you go where you want when you want to - you are not a slave.

Sounds like a lot of work headed your way and it could be worth it if he's willing to go along with your wishes. If not, then it's too much compromise on your part on a road that will not make you happy.

It's your choice, dear and I wish you all the best in no matter what you plan on doing.

Keep us posted - we will be here for you.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_17.gif

A partnership is give and take on both sides.. not just your's.

Since you're living with him you've removed about 90% of the useful methods for training this man up to be a good mate. Now, he's got you, you have to listen 'cause you're trapped, right?

I mean, if he got you REALLY mad, you wouldn't move out unless you completely broke up, right? That's unfortunate. Time apart during the dating/training phase is critical to learning if you're able to put up with someone's "smallnesses" for a lifetime.

Since you're there already, there is no privacy, there is no apart time, there is no "cooling off and taking a break"... it's just pressure on.

Of course, you're right. You should be able to do what you want, and so should he. You are NOT right that if he can trick you into not doing what you want, you should be able to trick him into not doing what he wants. In that respect, you are both wrong.

What's going on here is he's pressuring you and you're giving in. He's not "making" you do anything. You're caving. And then you're getting mad because he doesn't cave the same way you do.

Relationships aren't about you two "caving" for each other, it's supposed to be about you two putting the other person ahead of yourself. Sound like this is a failing situation, but since you live together you aren't allowing yourself to see that truth.

Meantime, your spiraling situation is actually in your hands, not his. If you want to do something, do it. If he pressures you, listen, acknowledge you understand his concerns, then do what you want.

Tell him his "issues" don't translate into you having to giving up things. You're sorry he has trust problems, but you don't. Then kiss him and invite him to come along if he wants (if appropriate), you're going either way, see you at 10 when I get home. Tell him to try not to pout.

Be the fun, carefree girlfriend who not only isn't freaked by his controlling requirements, you also aren't mad at him when you choose to ignore them. After all, you're no the one with the problem, so let him deal with it.

When he does throw it at you, be sympathetic: "I know this is painful for you, truly. I'm sorry these things affect you so deeply. Meanwhile I'm just going to a friend's house. There are no issues for me, so you deal with yours, OK. I'll pick you up some Beef Jerky on the way home. See 'ya!"

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Originally Posted by Chery

There's a first time for everything in life. We are born, learn to walk, talk, and develop an identity. Through this, we continue to grow and learn each and every day.

You are learning about your emotional feelings for another person, a partner, where this will take you is up to you both. You can, through your strong values, determine where your life goes on from here on.

You can have a heart to heart talk, even though you might argue (which is also part of a partnership) - letting him know that you are NOT his ex and never will be. You can also let him know that he should not attempt to mold any future woman in his life into his vision of the 'perfect woman' and expect her to give up her own identity just for him. That he has to learn to trust you and care for you as an entity that has nothing to do with his past.

Take him by the hand and both of you set on an entirely new path, leaving the past behind. If he is willing to take this journey with you this will benefit you both. But he has to be willing to try and trust you. Tell him that he can get you a cell phone if he feels more secure in you having one - but he does need to let you go where you want when you want to - you are not a slave.

Sounds like a lot of work headed your way and it could be worth it if he's willing to go along with your wishes. If not, then it's too much compromise on your part on a road that will not make you happy.

It's your choice, dear and I wish you all the best in no matter what you plan on doing.

Keep us posted - we will be here for you.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_17.gif

A partnership is give and take on both sides.. not just your's.

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Thank you you by far have made the most sense to me. I know it will be a long road. I thank you so much for your advise. Everyone on here is telling me to leave him... and a relationship is about working things out not leaving them just bc/ they have issues with their past. I know it will be a long time and a slow process for things to change and to actually work things out. It might take him a long time before he can learn to trust again. I have told him I am not his ex and I love him and would never do anything to ruin our relationship. He says he believes me but when it comes down to it he shows no trust and I just decided to give things time and wait. But I will not let him tell me that I cannot do something and then he thinks he can do it but I cant. So we will just see what happens. Thanks a lot for your advice.

You have a very strong personality and it just might be possible that it will work out to your advantage - there is no standard recipe or guarantee, but we achieve nothing if we don't give it a try.

You sound like you will make it and not give in under any pressure. Make sure you don't loose your identity in the process.

Good luck, dear.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif
Remember, we are here any time you need to talk.

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Originally Posted by kitten420

Thank you you by far have made the most sense to me. I kno it will be a long road. I thank you so much for ur advise. everyone on here is telling me to leave him......and a relationship is about working things out not leaving them just bc/ they have issues with their past. i kno it will be a long time and a slow process for things to change and to actually work things out. it might take him a long time before he can learn to trust again. i have told him i am not his ex and i love him and would never do anything to ruin our relationship. he says he belives me but when it comes down to it he shows no trust and i just decided to give things time and wait. but i will not let him tell me that i cannot do something and then he thinks he can do it but i cant. so we will just see what happens. thanx a lot for your advice.

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I think you are on the right track.

Relationships are about growing. I believe that healthy relationships are formed because we see in someone qualities that will help us grow. By allowing him to tell you what to do, where to go etc, you are re-enforcing his insecurities. After all, you are tacitly agreeing that if you go out "something" might happen. He needs to know that you aren't asking for and don't need his permission to do anything. That is growing on your part. He will be forced to either grow with you by learning to trust, or get left behind.

Hello
Prehaps you to are only testing each others powers which will lead to bigger problems
Testing your space .
A developing relationship is based on communcation - honesty - trust and understanding
A couple willing to go the whole way has to develop basic ground rules weather its done naturally or by taking learning and growing together - sometimes it is not about love

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Originally Posted by vexation

hello
prehaps you to are only testing each others powers which will lead to bigger problems
testing your space .
a developing relationship is based on communcation - honesty - trust and understanding
a couple willing to go the whole way has to develop basic ground rules weather its done naturally or by taking learning and growing together - sometimes it is not about love

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I do think that she loves him, otherwise she would not take her precious time, patience and emotions to help him realize that the road ahead can be better than what he left behind. It's a lot of work, and we only work that hard if we really care and value our partner's other qualities. That's some determined young lady and I wish her all the best. And, as she said, this is all new to her also.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_6_206.gif Learning together and having patience has it's rewards.