Ask Me Help Desk - Why is a First Love so HARD to get over?

Love./Love?
The most complicated thing I have encountered thus far.
I had just turned 18 when I met him. He was 24. We had met on an online dating website. We had talked for about 4months before we met, and the day I met him is the day I fell head over heals. He was perfect! He had his own business, close with his family, good sense of humor, trustworthy, made me feel like I was the only girl in the room when we went out, we went camping, family parties. It was perfect.
We had been together for about a year and half, and one day out of no where it all ended. I had just left his house, and I was driving home. He called and said "I just don't see you the way you see me, and I think we need to break up because I don't want to lead you on" My heart fell to the floor, my jaw dropped and I was in shock. I had no signs of this coming. I started crying and instead of going crazy and yelling or hanging up.. I said "Well I hope you find what your looking for and I know your a great person. And I want you to know that, you truly mean a lot to me and I love you, and always will". The first time I tell him that "I love you" is when he is breaking up with me! How crazy was I?! So to make a long story (a little) short(er) :)
A month went by, and I had been on the waiting list for a kidney transplant for 3 years and I had gotten the phone call to get my transplant! Well, I hadn't heard from him but I texted him letting him know what was going on.. He ended up calling me every day while I was in the hospital, we talked about 2-3x a day! He even came up and visited me, and brought his Mom! He gave me a kiss good-bye, and I just melted! I thought things might change between us! He called me one night while I was in the hospital crying.. I said "What's wrong!? What happened?!" (its 2am) He said he dislocated his shoulder, and he's going to need surgery, he was devastated. I let him know he is going to be OK, things will work out, but was curious how this happened. Well, he just said he had a little bit too much to drink, and was messing around and it popped out. The day I get home from the hospital, I call him all excited.. "I'm home!! I'm home!! Can you come over? I'd love to see you!" I said with excitement!. He says "I have something to tell you" (heart drops yet again) "I'm seeing someone". Heartbroken #2. I hang up the phone.
A few months go by, and we start texting.. I ask how his girlfriend is and tells me it just didn't work out. So he is now in therapy for his shoulder, and from what I though.. "Going through a hard time not being able to work" So we start talking.. I'm there for him through his recovery and showing him compassion and what not. His family is happy to see me.. things were looking really good. Here comes Heartbreak #3- 5 months go by and he tells me, "I'm really interested in the girl at the therapy place". Soo we stop talking yet again a few months go by.. that doesn't work out. He comes back around. I'm happy the same cycle continues. So now its going on a year that we've been back and forth with each other, broken up(but messing around).
In conclusion:
We kept seeing each other the past year off and on. He would text me at 10-Midnight to come over, and I would jump at the opportunity to see him and be with him. Until 3 months ago. Three months ago we had hooked up and everything was so perfect that it was disgusting! I text him the next day, saying how great it was and I miss you.. And he never responded. 3 days went by. My last text was "I can't do this anymore, don't text me just to hook up, its not worth my time." And I changed my number.
I have been on 4 dates, well make that 5 as of tonight. And I can't stop thinking about him! I want to text him sooooo bad! And why? Why is this so hard? Did I do the immature thing by just changing my number? Should I text him and just tell him how I feel? Is closure really necessary? How do I get over someone who I have been involved with now for over 3 years? He's going to be 28 next month! Shouldn't he know by now if I'm someone he wants in his life? I feel like if he didn't want me in his life why did we mess around for over a year? Its like he wants me, but he doesn't want to be with me? Is that possible? Ok. I'm done venting now! Whatever advice anyone has out there, I'm totally willing to hear it!:confused: (Sorry for writing so much):confused:

Hi, LittleRed08!

Thank you for venting! Sometimes, a person really needs to do that, and that's part of what a person can do on this site. Others here will be very supportive!

From my point of view because of what you have written, it would look to me like the two of you have been operating more as really close, good and supportive friends for each other.

Yes, by now he should know if you're someone that he wants in his life. However, do you know everything about what's going on in his life at the current time?

Thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by LittleRed08

Love./Love?
We kept seeing eachother the past year off and on. He would text me at 10-Midnight to come over, and I would jump at the opportunity to see him and be with him. Until 3 months ago. Three months ago we had hooked up and everything was so perfect that it was disgusting! I text him the next day, saying how great it was and I miss you.. And he never responded. 3 days went by. My last text was "I can't do this anymore, don't text me just to hook up, its not worth my time." And I changed my number.
I have been on 4 dates, well make that 5 as of tonight. And I can't stop thinking about him! I want to text him sooooo bad! And why? Why is this so hard? Did I do the immature thing by just changing my number? Should I text him and just tell him how I feel? Is closure really necessary? How do I get over someone who I have been involved with now for over 3 years? He's going to be 28 next month! Shouldn't he know by now if I'm someone he wants in his life? I feel like if he didn't want me in his life why did we mess around for over a year? Its like he wants me, but he doesn't want to be with me? Is that possible? Ok. I'm done venting now! Whatever advice anyone has out there, I'm totally willing to hear it!:confused: (Sorry for writing so much):confused:

Well that's rough stuff. I'm now 6 months into my break-up. We were together for 4 years. I feel as if I share a lot of similarities with you. The steps you took in ending it for good were the right ones, and I commend you on finally seeing that and taking action. Just over two weeks ago I changed my number. She would text and call when she was down and string me along just like you.

You are holding on to something that isn't there. He told you the first time he broke up with you how he felt, and you've seemed to have forgotten that. He doesn't want to be with you, but whenever something doesn't work out with someone new he comes back to you because he feels lonely.. and he feels comfortable with you and secure.

This pattern will continue forever until he finally finds someone new... and you will be left more emotionally damaged than you are now. You have to move on, we both do... And I agree your first love is your hardest... You share so many firsts with this person, and so you don't know any different.

You made a great first step with changing your number, no contact from him is what you need to heal. You will feel a world of better in no time, I promise! It's going to suck for awhile but I assure you (as will everybody else on this site) that you are doing the right thing by moving on.

Hang in there!

Iam so sorry to hear all of that, Take time for yourself relax treat yourself to a spa day or do something fun you enjoy, it wontt be easy to forget him just aa little easier when your busy. And remember there are those guys out there who say and do anything just to have sex with you, I am sorry but he sure sounds like one of those creeps. Of course your better then himand just chalk it up to experience and move on, but hon I know it won't help the heart break, I wish I could kick his or something for you I know that would make you feel better at least laugh.. Just keep going on one day at a time and soon that one day will come and you won't even remember his name nor care about the past.

You take care

Quote:

So now its going on a year that we've been back and forth with each other, broken up(but messing around).

As long as you deal with him in any way, you will have an emotional attachment, and false hope, even though his actions tell you he is not getting back to a relationship with you, yet you still let him mess around with you.

Let it go, stop letting him use you for his own insecurities, and purpose, by not having him in your life, and stick with STRICT NO CONTACT. Then you can heal, and be healthy, and happy with yourself.

It's hard because you're actually fighting your own "image" of this guy. If you went strictly off the way he's treated you, you would have NO problem walking away, would you?

I'm not saying he's been bad to you, he just keeps clearly telling you he doesn't want to BE with you, though his continued attraction makes it fun to be with you occasionally. So, he's being honest, pretty much.

The dishonesty is coming from your head. Every time the phone rings or he texts, your puppy-dog emotional response offers up "This is it! He wants you now! Woo-hoo!!!"

So, dear, the person to beware of here isn't him, it is you. The NC is the only way you'll get through this. Unfortunately, since he has fleeting feelings for you, he will love-grenade them at you again, somehow, in the future. Count on it.

You're going to HAVE to be ready next time. Spot the grenade for what it is. Only you can diffuse its power, only you can avoid the destruction to your life. Your puppy-dog emotions regarding him MUST be leashed properly, and you'll finally be OK.

You can do this.

In the end, the only cure for this will be more real love with another human, one who actually pines after YOU. Won't that be awesome? Until then, keep your guard up... not against him, but against you and your ability to forget who he really isn't.

I just read your story and it sounded so similar to mine that I had to comment-)

My advice is to move on now & work on getting over him. Keep the NC going. If he loves you that much he will will find a way to contact you. If and when he does; DO NOT sleep with him & see how long he stays around. If he asks why, just explain how he always jumps in and out of your life & you don't want that anymore. But if he doesn't contact you, you know it wasn't meant.

BTW I was in your situation for 6 years, and he recently told me that he has a girlfriend. I did the same thing as you; on and off. I even tried to move on by having different boyfirends, but never feeling as deeply as I did him because I never cut off contact. I was always available because he was the only guy I "loved". I just wanted to keep the chance of him wanting to be in a relationship with me open. Now he's told me for the first time that he has a girlfriend & after 6 yrs of loving and hoping he would come around. It's not worth it. I wished I would have worked harder at moving on 3,4,5 yrs ago.

So just word to the wise; let it go now & do the work to heal fully. The more times you go back, the harder it will be to let go. Peace

[QUOTE=talaniman;1324435]As long as you deal with him in any way, you will have an emotional attachment, and false hope, even though his actions tell you [B]he is not getting back to a relationship with you,
So true! That totally makes sense!

What's up littlered? How are you holding up?