Ask Me Help Desk - Instant loss of sex life.

I am a 28 year old handsome fit male who recently became married to a beautiful 28 year old fit female. We began dating in January and were married in July.

In the pre-engagement stages of our relation ship we enjoyed each others company, made each other smile and were having wonderful passionate sex every day. After we became engaged, we still really enjoyed being around each other but sex slowed down to about 2 times a week. Although I enjoy sex everyday, two times a week has always been the magic number to make me happy. Now that we are married, sex is down to once a week if I am lucky. Frequently it will be once ever 2 weeks.

I have tried to talk to her about it on 2 occasions already, but when I did, she became defensive and started fighting with me and tried to make it seem like I was expecting too much.

I become angrier and angrier internally the longer we go between sex. And it is not from a lack of trying. I try to initiate maybe every 3 days. I do not want to try to often for fear of her yelling at me. Plus I can only take so much rejection in one week!
I have been very patient, but I know it will only get worse without intervention.

I know she/we have issues and she/we need(s) to see a therapist, but how do I approach her about it?

Here are some of the variables that let me know a therapist is needed and I can not work this out myself:

-A history of sexual trauma was revealed to me during the engagement (she was raped as a teen).
- A history of being cheated on by previous boyfriends.
- A major issue with fertility.

I am a good man, and I love my wife, but I know sex is a bonding experience. Without it, a couple can easily drift apart(it may already be happening) and reach a point where there is no turning back.

Once again, how can I bring it up to her that we need to see a therapist before it is too late?

Quote:

Originally Posted by hulk252

I am a 28 year old handsome fit male who recently became married to a beautiful 28 year old fit female. We began dating in january and were married in july.

In the pre-engagement stages of our relation ship we enjoyed each others company, made each other smile and were having wonderful passionate sex every day. After we became engaged, we still really enjoyed being around each other but sex slowed down to about 2 times a week. Although I enjoy sex everyday, two times a week has always been the magic number to make me happy. Now that we are married, sex is down to once a week if I am lucky. frequently it will be once ever 2 weeks.

I have tried to talk to her about it on 2 occasions already, but when I did, she became defensive and started fighting with me and tried to make it seem like I was expecting to much.

I become angrier and angrier internally the longer we go between sex. And it is not from a lack of trying. I try to initiate maybe every 3 days. I do not want to try to often for fear of her yelling at me. plus I can only take so much rejection in one week!!
I have been very patient, but I know it will only get worse without intervention.

I know she/we have issues and she/we need(s) to see a therapist, but how do I approach her about it?

Here are some of the variables that let me know a therapist is needed and I can not work this out myself:

-A history of sexual trauma was revealed to me during the engagement (she was raped as a teen).
- A history of being cheated on by previous boyfriends.
- A major issue with fertility.

I am a good man, and I love my wife, but i know sex is a bonding experience. Without it, a couple can easily drift apart(it may already be happening) and reach a point where there is no turning back.

Once again, how can I bring it up to her that we need to see a therapist before it is too late?

You say, "I think we need to see a therapist before it is too late [to save our marriage]" and then you say what you've said here.

And she either wants to save the relationship or she doesn't.

And if she doesn't want to go, then you go alone and the therapist helps you to either live with the situation or decide to walk away.

You both have to meet each other in the middle. You sound very understanding, so take the calm, rational approach and ask her why she thinks this part of your relationship has changed. If she gets defensive, or has problems speaking about it, it may be time to suggest a counselor.

This is common among newlyweds and is best resolved before it gets worse, as you said. In a relationship as new as yours, compromise and understanding will get better with time.

Good luck to you both

The fact is that usually when people get married life becomes more hectic than before (financially, practically etc) also the fact that you are now both in eachother's faces all the time may also play a part. This may put a strain on yor sex lives. Were you both living together before marriage? Remember the excitement is probably gone as sex seems to be "expected" of you both now that your married. So, First give her some time without asking for sex e.g. take her out to dinners, cinema, or let her out with friends. Second - try different things in your sex lives to bring the excitement back.

Good luck!

OK, we had the same issue and I am the wife, so I can put a woman's viewpoint.

In our case, we had frequent sex in our first 2 years of marriage, slowly it came to once in 2 weeks in 4 years. Like you, my husband would always complain/talk to me about it and this frequent complaints used to irritate me.

In our case, our problem was, we both work full time and are very busy. But I got almost no help from my husband in housework except for the yard maintenance. Every day, after coming home from a busy schedule, then doing all the household chores, it used to tire me totally and the only thing on my mind at the end of the day used to be sleep. Same issue on weekends.

Other problem was, I had some gyn problems too so sex used to be painful sometimes.

Anyway, we passed away all these, mostly I set my mind to have frequent sex, read up some articles and tried to set the mood. And my husband became more helping.

I am not saying you do not help your wife in housework, but if you are not, maybe you can start doing that. Also you mentioned your wife has fertility issues, so maybe you can talk to a doctor about this.

Good luck!

I am probably going to get lambasted for this, but here goes. She was raped as a teenager. So unless she sought some professional help for this problem she is still reeling in her mind from that experience. For what ever reason I read it as she used sex to lure you and reel you in. Not necessairly a bad thing. She needs to understand that she needs some good counselling to help her over come the rape. Also both of you need to get into couple counselling to help you both deal and to learn to grow together. Please seek professional help soon.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 450donn

I am probably going to get lambasted for this, but here goes. She was raped as a teenager. So unless she sought some professional help for this problem she is still reeling in her mind from that experience. For what ever reason I read it as she used sex to lure you and reel you in. Not necessairly a bad thing. She needs to understand that she needs some good counselling to help her over come the rape. Also both of you need to get into couple counselling to help you both deal and to learn to grow together. Please seek professional help soon.

I'm not going to disappoint you here - I agree with you. Sounds like many, many issues at play. The question is going to be whether she wants to work on them.

That's a rather short courtship - and I'm not criticizing, I knew my husband just over 2 months when I married him - but if there are issues, I'm not sure if you can discover them or the extent of them in that short a period.

And depending on her experience, rape, boyfriends leaving, maybe sex was a means to an end - I don't think the fact that she doesn't want to have sex with him right now or as often as he would like means she doesn't LOVE him - those are separate issues. It's what balance they can strike.

It's difficult to know but I still think I would say, "Hey, I love you but I can't live like this" and see where it goes from here. Maybe if she is angry about housework or whatever a counselor could help. I just would address it, not necessarily confront it, sooner rather than later because these things tend to fester.

(And, Donn - as a side issue - I'm still watching the TV you recommended!)