okay I can take the truth so lay it on me! I have been seeing this guy for about 4 months well we only hang out when we are drinking or at the bars. My first problem is how that is the only time we ever hang out. Why can't he ask me to hang out during normal hours doing normal things?? I asked him this before when I was drunk (oops) and he said that he likes me just doesn't want a girlfriend. He dated someone for 3 years and wants his chance to be single.. (but that waas 2 years ago that they broke up- get over itttt) so I was like OK that's fine I just wanted to know where I stand. So now it really bugs me because I actually really like this guy and I want to say no to when we stay with each other because I want him to respect me and miss me, but I am always drunk so I give in. but the thing is when we text during the day sometimes, he will say things like how he wants to go running on this trail together, and how when I ran into him randomly for a week he texted and said "i love seeing u everyday =)" so why can't he PLAN to see me? Why does it have to be random?. I really don't think he's using me because of the way he acts around me (always wants to hold my hands at the bar and always acts jealous saying "u stayed with a guy last night didnt you?!?!") and I'm like why does he act like he cares?. I don't know what to do have I ruined all chances of ever dating this guy in the future? I am going to start saying no to hanigng out at night cuase I'm just getting hurt the next day when he leaves and I wonder when I will see him next. =/ sorry so long!

It sounds like you have a friend that is having commitment issues. You need to look at your situation very closely, by looking at yourself FIRST. What is it YOU are looking for? What do YOU need? Do you NEED to be in a committed relationship? It sounds like you do to me. And if that is the case, you need to save your heart and move forward with dating someone else. If I am wrong, and you are OK with someone that is enjoying not answering to anyone, then forge ahead. Keep in mind if you make that decision that it may be a very very very long time until he is ready to commit. And he may never. He shows many signs of caring for you, but he also shows signs of a man that may have been hurt very badly before and is not willing to or maybe just not ready to risk his heart again. On the latter side, he MAY just be the typ of guy who enjoys his freedom and playing the feel. If your heart is involved you need to tread very very lighty as you are bound to get hurt if you don't. Good luck...

Ok, sorry that was supposed to be playing the FIELD not feel.

Well then hide the goods for awhile if he is in it just for sex you will find out pretty quick. Just don't drink as much or lighten up a good hour or two before you leave so you can make a level decision when he wants to sleep with you.

If he says he is not looking for a GF and it's been two years maybe he just needs some good convincing!

Also try to take him up on some of those offers for running or any other activity where you will have a great chance to see what he is really all about.

Mmm commitment is a dirty word for him.

Stop having sex without committment-you are breeding an arrogance in him that he can treat you this way.
Stop it.

When he wants to be "friends" then all will be okay, that's EXACTLY what he will have while you are not having sex with him.

Cheers

I would say you are wasting your time at this point, start dating other people.

Do you go have sex with him after drinking at the bar? You didn't say so, but I'll assume you are unless you correct me. :)

From the info you give, he wants you around at the bar all drunk and ready to satisfy his sexual needs. The rest of the relationship is to insure you show up. :(

I think you can be a girl that is number one in a guy's eyes, but you are going to have to grow some... start with giving up alcohol because that is hampering your ability to grow up. You want to get to your authentic self so you can have real emotions in real relationships... alcohol prevents that. It is difficult to have the courage to feel all one's emotions, but there is no alternative if a person wants to end up in a good place. :)

Thank you for your private note. If I can help you more, just let me know. :):)

If I were you hon, I would look at myself and my own needs first, and upon answering that question move forward. If I trust my instincts about this situation, and you, and him, I would say your best bet is to move forward. He is having a problem with commitment, and with letting go of a new found freedom. If it were one or the other it would be easier, but with both it will be a long time before you can ground this guy, IF you ever do. Be good to your heart... Move on... But remain friends, that will be easier for you both than just letting go completely...

PLEASE do not use chat speak.

Teenagers use chat speak. Adults type all the words out.

That being said---tell this guy to go play with himself. If he can't go on casual dates with you that don't involve sex, and don't involve drinking, then he's using you.

And YOU should stop going home with guys you aren't involved with. If you can't say no when you've been drinking, then don't drink.

Thanks everyone your answers are helpful. Just to clarify I act like the only time I talk to him is when I'm completely wasted but I mean we do talk sober its just there is always the process of being drunk that involves us hanging out. But wtfff he texted me and said he wants me to be the first person to ride his new motorcycle. And he said he needs to get another helmet and asked me to the pick the color. I can't take these mixed messages. He also helped install my alternator on my car and did all these extra errands for me that I was going to do but he said he likes helping me out. Do you think I should completely ignore him next time he calls so that he can start getting confused? Or is that immature.. I should just act like friends and if he tries holding my hands ill say what are you doing?. lol sorry to drag this on but its been bugging me since June! Cuase I've known him since January and starting in June I really liked him.

Andddd after he stays the night he will stay all morning and we will talk and I always say these off the wall things that make him laugh and he's like "some things never change" and I'm like what is that supposed to mean, he's like "dont worry ur cute i like it"... ugh

It DOES matter if you use chat speak.

The site rules state that it is not allowed, and this forum (Adult Sexuality) is specifically for ADULTS.

I have no time to moderate those who can not type like adults--I tend to just delete their posts.

So please--obey the rules. I don't want to delete your posts because you're not obeying the rules.

Anytime you need three in bed for sexual relations...
You, alcohol in excess, him... you are heading for unhappiness.

Just try going sober to the bar and drink cola only, stay sober, and see what kind of seedy stuff you are seeing with clear eyes. Go home early by yourself.

It is cool how that really wakes a person up to reality. :)

If a person has to get drunk to have sex... c'mon girl, don't be afraid to be your real self... but not with this guy or these people. They are shallow.

Another hing if he only wants to hang out at night in a bar is maybe he has someone else at home and wants to limit who see's him out with you and under what circumstances. Bars tend to be dark and gloomy and hard to see, plus few people casually pass by.

I could be totally wrong but its gut feeling.

Plus try not hanging out at bars and picking up people that frequent them. Trust me there are a lot of us out there. And without the noise and dim lighting (as well as no booze fogging your judgement) maybe you can see things more clearly.

No we go out to eat and stuff but it invovles us drinking during it, after it, or before it and I just wish alcohol wasn't always involved.

Find another guy... there are plenty of nice guys out there that won't need alcohol to be seen out with you.


Booze is a crutch for those who won't deal with life on its own terms.