I'll try not to make this insanely long with as much information as I can. I've been with my boyfriend on and off for 7 years. We live in Louisiana (wondering if there is still a law on common marriage). We have two children together, a 3 year old and 11 month old. The father never signed the 3 year olds birth certificate, but there is a DNA test proving he is the father. As far a the 11 month old goes, he has signed the birth certificate but we have received it back from the state twice having to re-do it because of miss-spelling in names, etc. So as of right now he's not on either. There is not a DNA test on the 11 month old, but we know the child is his. What I am wondering is what laws I have as a legal parent to take my children and move away (out of state) to be with someone else. I don't want him to pull the "She kidnapped my kids" line. I also don't want him to be able to take the children away. From my understanding he can't do anything since he's not on the birth certificates. But what happens if he goes to court and tries to get custody, or anything? Do I even have the right to up and leave the state without getting in trouble? And if I do, what are the odds of me being forced back to Louisiana?

As far as him being a father goes, he does a.. I won't say horrible, but decent job. He's an EMT, he works 3 days and is off 3 days. When he's off his face is bombarded into computer games. He barely ever gets off them. He does help SOMETIMES, but complains about everything. We never get along, we are always fighting. He's not physically abusive, but mentally and I just want away. I'm not happy here, it is a constant stress, and I don't want my kids in this situation any longer. I have left before but came back due to his crappy "I promise I'll change, things will be better" line. Yet it never did. The reason I haven't left again is because I have no where to go, no way to get on my feet. He has me stuck here unless I have help and he knows it. I have no car, no money, no job. I stay at home with the kids while he works. So I can't just get up and walk off. Now that I have sort of met someone I like, we had been talking about me possibly leaving but I don't want anything to happen to my kids if I do leave in regards of him taking them, or me having to move back here, etc. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.

Its true that this is a tough spot. The fact that he isn't on the birth certificates does give you some room to move however, all he has to do is go to court and prove that he is the father (the court will order DNA testing) and it wouldn't take much to sway a judge into ordering the tests (it rarely does) but being that you have tried several times to get him on there and have been living with him will make it that much easier. That being said I could never in my right mind advise you to move because what you fear would likely come true in this situation. He would go to court and show that you ran off with the kids and you would end up on the losing end. If he is abusive in anyway then it is smart to get out but just running wouldn't be the way to go. Look in your area for lawyers you might be able to get a free consultation (maybe not) because you will want one if you are serious about wanting to move.

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Originally Posted by stinawords

Its true that this is a tough spot. The fact that he isn't on the birth certificates does give you some room to move however, all he has to do is go to court and prove that he is the father (the court will order DNA testing) and it wouldn't take much to sway a judge into ordering the tests (it rarely does) but being that you have tried several times to get him on there and have been living with him will make it that much easier. That being said I could never in my right mind advise you to move because what you fear would likely come true in this situation. He would go to court and show that you ran off with the kids and you would end up on the loosing end. If he is abusive in anyway then it is smart to get out but just running wouldn't be the way to go. Look in your area for lawyers you might be able to get a free consultation (maybe not) because you will want one if you are serious about wanting to move.

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It's not that I am running away. I just want to call it off with him and move on with my life. I'm sick of being stuck in this relationship because I have no where to go and no help to get from anyone. The only reason I was getting him on my youngest son's birth certificate is because I was pressured into it, may not be an excuse but it's hard to tell everyone no and give a feasible reason when they're all down my throat to do it. It's been hard enough to avoid getting my oldest re-done with his name on it and I've been trying to put that off for a long time in case this would ever happen. However, he would see me as running away so I guess he would try and convince everyone I ran off and didn't try to work things out, even though I've been trying for 7 years and he hasn't bothered to help any at all. He's not been physically abusive as I've said, but he is mentally, and there has been two occasions where he has pushed me in the past and I would leave, but come back because he promised he was going to change. But I will call tomorrow and try to get some legal help, just thought I'd post on here in case someone has gone through this or knows what to do in my situation. Thanks.

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Originally Posted by Odissa

It's not that I am running away. I just want to call it off with him and move on with my life. I'm sick of being stuck in this relationship because I have no where to go and no help to get from anyone. The only reason I was getting him on my youngest son's birth certificate is because I was pressured into it, may not be an excuse but it's hard to tell everyone no and give a feasible reason when they're all down my throat to do it. It's been hard enough to avoid getting my oldest re-done with his name on it and I've been trying to put that off for a long time in case this would ever happen. However, he would see me as running away so I guess he would try and convince everyone I ran off and didn't try to work things out, even though I've been trying for 7 years and he hasn't bothered to help any at all. He's not been physically abusive as I've said, but he is mentally, and there has been two occasions where he has pushed me in the past and I would leave, but come back because he promised he was going to change. But I will call tomorrow and try to get some legal help, just thought I'd post on here incase someone has gone thru this or knows what to do in my situation. Thanks.

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First of all you need to start making adult decisions in your life and start being the mother to your children. When you have children its not really about your life anymore until they leave the nest. You talk about going on with your life yet you say you met someone " new ". Look around and see the mess you helped create ! First thing you need to do is to start making a list of needs.. not wants. Then decide how to go about getting them. If your in a unhealthy relationship there are shelters ( keep those numbers handy ). Start looking in the paper for jobs. Look for lawyers that either work for a consultation fee or pro bono ( for free ). Your in a tough spot and your correct in your thinking that should you disappear things could get very uncomfortable. But don't start by making the same mistakes over again. Take a good hard look in the mirror and decide what's best all around.

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Originally Posted by califdadof3

First of all you need to start making adult decisions in your life and start being the mother to your children. When you have children its not really about your life anymore until they leave the nest. You talk about going on with your life yet you say you met someone " new ". Look around and see the mess you helped create ! First thing you need to do is to start making a list of needs .. not wants. Then decide how to go about getting them. If your in a unhealthy relationship there are shelters ( keep those numbers handy ). Start looking in the paper for jobs. Look for lawyers that either work for a consultation fee or pro bono ( for free ). Your in a tough spot and your correct in your thinking that should you disappear things could get very uncomfortable. But dont start out by making the same mistakes over again. Take a good hard look in the mirror and decide whats best all around.

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Wow, how dare you assume that I made a mess of my life. I enjoy my life. I love my kids and have ALWAYS thought about them first that is why I have stuck in the position I am for so long ans tried to make things work, for them, so they could have the father that I never new. Things did not work as they should have, and I no longer want THEM or myself in this type of household. The person I met is very caring, loves my children, and me, and I would be very happy there, as would they. I am not making some jump I don't want, or that is not healthy for them. I do not need to go to a shelter. A job is not option-able at this moment. I have no vehicle, no one at all to keep my kids, and I cannot get any help at all from the state, I have tried, tons of times and get denied because my boyfriend makes too much money. I have been a wonderful mother to my children and never once thought about myself and only myself in these situations. Otherwise I would have got up and walked off long ago with no where to go. The fact that I've been here waiting to make sure my children have a roof over there head, food coming in and a safe place to be should say enough for that case. You speak to me as if I'm some poor girl not thinking about anyone but herself, which is quite insulting. Maybe you just came off wrong but the way I read your words we're very rude. I have my mother and my father still by my side, I am unable to live with them and they cannot offer much help as they're struggling themselves to make ends meet. I just want out of one relationship, without worrying about my children being taken away from me, or him getting custody of them and me being forced to come back to this state which I so hate. I do not want to spend the rest of my life, or my children's life in this miserable state. It's not good for any of us. So please, information is helpful, advice is wanted, but please don't sit here and talk to me as if I'm not looking out for my children because that is all I am looking out for.

The problem is, is that you have to get some sort of job or transportation or something because you can not just leave with the kids. It dosen't matter that you have been able to get out of the father being on the birth certificates the attempts were there and he will show that. He will also show that they lived with him for this long so by up and moving you will only delay having to go back. You might think you don't need a shelter but unless you want to pay to move up with your new boyfriend then pay to move back again you might want to look into some around you.

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Originally Posted by stinawords

The problem is, is that you have to get some sort of job or transportation or something because you can not just leave with the kids. It dosen't matter that you have been able to get out of the father being on the birth certificates the attempts were there and he will show that. He will also show that they lived with him for this long so by up and moving you will only delay having to go back. You might think you don't need a shelter but unless you want to pay to move up with your new boyfriend then pay to move back again you might want to look into some around you.

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I have the pay for the move if it happens, taken care of. I'm not worried about that. So the shelter and job here is not needed. Yes, we did try twice to get him on our last sons birth certificate, not our first son. So he does have that, and we have lived together for maybe 3 years and he was not even in my first sons life until he was a year old almost because I lived with my mother then and he barely ever came by to see his child. He has been with our youngest since he was born though. The fact he he does not help me take care of these kids other than him working should be something. He doesn't help out with them when he is home at all. He refuses to change diapers. I have to beg him to help with baths, or anything. He puts one of them to sleep at night when he's home and that's about it. He will cook, but that is all he does when he is home. I cannot get him to help with any other chores. He wants to play computer games day and night. We don't even talk anymore, and if we do it ends right up into an argument. I'm sick of my kids being in the middle of us arguing, it's not safe for them to grow up in this anymore, and he will not change. I'm not going to run off to another state unless I am 100% positive he cannot get me forced to come back, because I have nothing here to come back to if I do, and I'm not putting my kids in that risk. That's why I came here to ask if anyone knew. I just wanted friendly information. I am in the midst of trying to find a family lawyer in town, I just live in a very small place and am having trouble finding any in my area.

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Originally Posted by Odissa

Wow, how dare you assume that I made a mess of my life. I enjoy my life. I love my kids and have ALWAYS thought about them first that is why I have stuck in the position I am for so long ans tried to make things work, for them, so they could have the father that I never new. Things did not work as they should have, and I no longer want THEM or myself in this type of household. The person I met is very caring, loves my children, and me, and I would be very happy there, as would they. I am not making some jump I don't want, or that is not healthy for them. I do not need to go to a shelter. A job is not option-able at this moment. I have no vehicle, no one at all to keep my kids, and I cannot get any help at all from the state, I have tried, tons of times and get denied because my boyfriend makes too much money. I have been a wonderful mother to my children and never once thought about myself and only myself in these situations. Otherwise I would have got up and walked off long ago with no where to go. The fact that I've been here waiting to make sure my children have a roof over there head, food coming in and a safe place to be should say enough for that case. You speak to me as if I'm some poor girl not thinking about anyone but herself, which is quite insulting. Maybe you just came off wrong but the way I read your words we're very rude. I have my mother and my father still by my side, I am unable to live with them and they cannot offer much help as they're struggling themselves to make ends meet. I just want out of one relationship, without worrying about my children being taken away from me, or him getting custody of them and me being forced to come back to this state which I so hate. I do not want to spend the rest of my life, or my childrens life in this miserable state. It's not good for any of us. So please, information is helpful, advice is wanted, but please don't sit here and talk to me as if I'm not looking out for my children because that is all I am looking out for.

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I find moving from this man's house to another man's house with not a breath in between as not acting in a fashion which is best for your children. But if you want out of this relationship go to Court, get paternity and custody and support scheduled, and go wherever you want to go. Do it right and do it "legal."

Presumably you have had contact with the new man while being supported by the old man? Yes, I think this is making a mess out of your life.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I find moving from this man's house to another man's house with not a breath in between as not acting in a fashion which is best for your children. But if you want out of this relationship go to Court, get paternity and custody and support scheduled, and go wherever you want to go. Do it right and do it "legal."

Presumably you have had contact with the new man while being supported by the old man? Yes, I think this is making a mess out of your life.

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We're talking, I am not cheating on my boyfriend. I haven't done anything sexual with this guy nor do I intend to until I am away and out of my current situation and on my feet. I never intended to do anything illegal. That is why I came to ask for advice. I didn't come here to be dogged on about what I am doing, or have done. You people do not know me

If possible I wish this thread to be locked since I am getting nothing but rude replies from some of you. I came here asking for friendly advice. I am not doing anything wrong, I am just in a bad relationship and want out. I'm not cheating, lying, or running off with my kids anywhere. I just wanted advice on what would happen if I did leave. Thank you for those who did help, and I will be contacting an attorney as soon as I can find one in my area.

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Originally Posted by Odissa

We're talking, I am not cheating on my boyfriend. I haven't done anything sexual with this guy nor do I intend to until I am away and out of my current situation and on my feet. I never intended to do anything illegal. That is why I came to ask for advice. I didn't come here to be dogged on about what I am doing, or have done. You people do not know me

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You are being supported by one man and planning to move in with another - I don't find that honorable.

And to move in - if you've had limited contact - with your children, to the home of a complete stranger to them (and basically a stranger to you), in another State - ?

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Originally Posted by Odissa

If possible I wish this thread to be locked since I am getting nothing but rude replies from some of you. I came here asking for friendly advice. I am not doing anything wrong, I am just in a bad relationship and want out. I'm not cheating, lying, or running off with my kids anywhere. I just wanted advice on what would happen if I did leave. Thank you for those who did help, and I will be contacting an attorney as soon as I can find one in my area.

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If you stop answering people will stop posting and the thread will die.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

You are being supported by one man and planning to move in with another - I don't find that honorable.

And to move in - if you've had limited contact - with your children, to the home of a complete stranger to them (and basically a stranger to you), in another State - ?

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I don't find it appropriate that you sit here and accuse me of basically cheating when you know nothing of the relationship. I am completely faithful to my boyfriend, he knows every action that I do and I don't appreciate coming here for advice and being accused and crapped on by others who know nothing of my situation. I thought this was a family law forum and I've had one person be helpful while everyone else has sat there and told me everything I did or am doing wrong, which is highly rude considering not one of you know me or much about the problem I am in. If I had known half you were this rude I would have never posted, and read through quite a few threads to find answers similar to mine so I wouldn't have to post. No this person is not a complete stranger to me, nor my children. No I am not cheating on my boyfriend.

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Originally Posted by Odissa

I don't find it appropriate that you sit here and accuse me of basically cheating when you know nothing of the relationship. I am completely faithful to my boyfriend, he knows every action that I do and I don't appreciate coming here for advice and being accused and crapped on by others who know nothing of my situation. I thought this was a family law forum and I've had one person be helpful while everyone else has sat there and told me everything I did or am doing wrong, which is highly rude considering not one of you know me or much about the problem I am in. If I had known half you were this rude I would have never posted, and read through quite a few threads to find answers similar to mine so I wouldn't have to post. No this person is not a complete stranger to me, nor my children. No I am not cheating on my boyfriend.

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Obviously I am not getting through to you - if you are involved with another person of the male gender while living off your boyfriend, you are cheating. You obviously don't agree. If you are emotionally vested in the other person, you are cheating. You've had no discussion with this other person and intend to simply show up with your children and yell, "Surprise"?

But that doesn't matter - this is the LEGAL board. If you want feel good, supportive advice, you will have to post on the feel good board.

If you want legal advice - go to Court, ask for support and custody, be honest with your boyfriend, go wherever the Court allows you to go and stop playing victim. If you want people to agree with you, call your friends.

Go to Court and get a custody/support order and then move wherever you want to move. The Court will make a decision based on the needs of your children.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Obviously I am not getting through to you - if you are involved with another person of the male gender while living off your boyfriend, you are cheating. You obviously don't agree. If you are emotionally vested in the other person, you are cheating. You've had no discussion with this other person and intend to simply show up with your children and yell, "Surprise"?

But that doesn't matter - this is the LEGAL board. If you want feel good, supportive advice, you will have to post on the feel good board.

If you want legal advice - go to Court, ask for support and custody, be honest with your boyfriend, go wherever the Court allows you to go and stop playing victim. If you want people to agree with you, call your friends.

Go to Court and get a custody/support order and then move wherever you want to move. The Court will make a decision based on the needs of your children.

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LOL, where are you getting your information on me at? Seriously. I am not cheating on anyone. I have someone that I can move in with, that does not mean I am dating them, or have any sexual intent towards them at all. I never said that. I said I had someone I was speaking with that I could move in with, that means absolutely nothing sexual. I haven't lied to my boyfriend about anything, I have been honest with him about everything. Please don't assume things about me when you haven't the slightest clue. I did come here for legal advice, nothing more. I didn't ask for anyone to assume things about me. I didn't ask for people to insult me and my life. I simply asked if anyone had experience with this problem and knew the laws on it. I am not playing victim. I am not a victim of anything. I'm just in a bad off relationship that I want out of and was asking advice on THAT, nothing more. You are the one who is sitting here assuming such horrible things about me and my children and I'm not quite sure where you get off doing so. Maybe I said something in my first post to make you think I was cheating, if so, then my apologies, but that was never stated one time. The only thing remotely close to anything bad being said was that I met someone that I like, and yes I do like this person, but no that does not mean I am cheating on my current boyfriend. But by all means, I'm sure that won't stop you from insulting me more. Anyhow, I believe I stated I am in the midst of finding an attorney in my area. I live in a small town and it's very hard to find someone in my area to speak to about this problem. So with that said, thank you for what little information you did hand over.

Here is the bottom line... from your posts what you really need most is to become independent.
1) you mention that you have parents.. You said they were not in the best of positions to help ( understandable ). But there still may be a solution. If you were to get a job like 3rd shift then its possible they could watch your children while they ( the children ) are asleep. That gives you an opportunity to get a job and a sitter. If they have 2 cars you could use one ( temporary ) just for work. The money that you bring in would contribute to their situation so it may work.
2) Call one of your local shelters they usually have connections to legal aide that may assist you with getting child support from the dad.
3) take a break from guys and focus on becoming independent so no one can put you in that situation again.
4) once away and having filed papers see about applying for state aide ( food stamps etc )
5) keep your focus and set reasonable goals and timetables. Setbacks are OK because they are only setbacks.
All the legal things at this time as your not married involve paternity and support. If your on your own the courts may even provide the means to get it without you having to hire a lawyer. ( some states do that if you apply for aide )

Also last thing. Maybe print out your posts and when you have quiet time read what you have written in the order it was posted and try to do so as a 3rd person. I think some things will jump out at you and you will see why some of us reacted the way we did.
Good Luck

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Originally Posted by Odissa

LOL, where are you getting your information on me at? Seriously. I am not cheating on anyone. I have someone that I can move in with, that does not mean I am dating them, or have any sexual intent towards them at all. I never said that. I said I had someone I was speaking with that I could move in with, that means absolutely nothing sexual.

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I haven't lied to my boyfriend about anything, I have been honest with him about everything.

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Please don't assume things about me when you haven't the slightest clue. I did come here for legal advice, nothing more. I didn't ask for anyone to assume things about me. I didn't ask for people to insult me and my life. I simply asked if anyone had experience with this problem and knew the laws on it. I am not playing victim. I am not a victim of anything. I'm just in a bad off relationship that I want out of and was asking advice on THAT, nothing more. You are the one who is sitting here assuming such horrible things about me and my children and I'm not quite sure where you get off doing so. Maybe I said something in my first post to make you think I was cheating, if so, then my apologies, but that was never stated one time. The only thing remotely close to anything bad being said was that I met someone that I like, and yes I do like this person, but no that does not mean I am cheating on my current boyfriend. But by all means, I'm sure that won't stop you from insulting me more. Anyhow, I believe I stated I am in the midst of finding an attorney in my area. I live in a small town and it's very hard to find someone in my area to speak to about this problem. So with that said, thank you for what little information you did hand over.

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Then I don't understand the problem - your boyfriend knows you have a male friend in another State that you want to move in with and you want to take the kids. I'm still a little confused about who is going to support you while you're living with the friend.

Your concern is can you do that, will the boyfriend get custody, can he keep you from going?

I assume you've been an adult and laid this all out on the table for your boyfriend.

If he already knows you have the option of going I don't understand the problem - the two of you go together to an Attorney or simply go directly into Court, enter into an agreement, sign and file it. If he won't agree, then he fights you. He claims you're unfit, you claim he's untfit - the Court will decide.

I don't know why you're having difficulty discussing this in a small town - you want out, your boyfriend knows it, what's the big secret?

You don't need an Attorney - I would assume when you discussed leaving the State with the children he had an opinion.

Ok, the children's father always has a right to file for custody, Now it will be up to the court to decide, he will get at least visitation rights, This will be decided by the court when child custody is decided.