Ask Me Help Desk - I had an affair but my wife won't forgive me

I am the cheating spouse. I had the affair. I understand her pain and I understand what I did was wrong and devastating, but the vileness in her contempt is destroying what love we have for each, other if any. I don't know what to do! Can someone help me?:(

Let her have the time she needs, I mean after all the man she loves has just to her he has cheated let her have all the time she needs to digest this its no an easy thing to hear and an even harder thing to process. Let her feel the way she does ans don't say anything to her about it its her way to cope and t sit her and let her do it and keep your mouth shut...

And maybe if your lucky she will take you back and you 2 can get some counceling just be understanding and loving and be there when she is reqady to talk...

I am sorry, but in all honesty if someone betrated my trust like that I would have an extremely difficult time trying to get over it. Why did you cheat? If you truly loved her, why would you jepordise your relationship like that?

She doesn't have to forgive you - I know I wouldn't. It sounds like it doesn't bother you too much that it happened and you think your girl should just get over it - how long ago did it happen it seems fresh? How much do you really love and care for this girl? You've cheated on her and now can't seem to understand - let alone empathise with - the pain, hurt, humiliation and anger she is feeling. Give her a break and wait and see if she decides to come back - the ball is in her court now.

It sounds like you are blaming her for not forgiving you for sleeping with someone else. You are being completely selfish and could care less about her feelings. You did this to yourself, as the old saying goes "You made you bed, now lay in it"

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I don't know what to do! Can someone help me?:(

See yourself for the selfish B.. st.. rd, that you are, only then can you face the truth, and work to change yourself, everything about yourself.

Forgiveness takes times and who knows when or if she would ever forgive you. Also, a lot of it stems from how she found out. Did she find out or her own or did you confess? Even if you confess the damage was still done. How fast would you be willing to forgive if the situation was reverse?

For a single betrayal of this magnitude, years of repercussions ensue. YEARS. So put on your seatbelt for the ride of your life.

By the way, she is TOTALLY honoring you by staying around at all. If I were in your shoes, I would thank her DAILY for perseverance. I let her know with words everything she does that is awesome.

You have no choice, but you have the privilege, of spending however long it takes to reacquire her kindness. Not forgiveness, that may never come... you are courting her kindness back. That's all you need.

You two can live together for 60 years with this cloud over your heads with no forgiveness ever occurring, but only by reacquiring your kindness for one another. You give it to her, nonstop, no matter what. She's in pain, you caused it. You can bear this time, it is a reflection of YOUR love and kindness to do so.

The fact that she is still there means the measure of her love is significant. Respect that fact. Do your time.

Just to add I think you "destroyed the love you had for one another" by betraying her trust and cheating long before "the vileness in her contempt" had anything to do with it. Stop blaming others for what you've done.

Yes, what pure bull in the post. The OP did the cheating and now they want to blame the other person for there marriage problems.

No wonder they won't forgive. There is no reason for her to ever forgive, So take the blame, get counseling, learn to take responsibility

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Originally Posted by jaq01

but the vileness in her contempt is destroying what love we have for each, other if any. (

Do you really think that the vilesness in her contempt is destroying the love you have together or do you think it's the betrayal that caused her vileness that is destroying the love that you have?

Two routes... self counseling or professional.

If you honestly want to work through this, and that doesn't mean your terms, first you should suggest counseling. It allows you both to vent to a third party, say some things that need to be said, and be directed in a path that will get you to where you both need to be, whether that's together or apart.

Outside of that, id recommend a book like Gary Chapman's Desperate Marriages.

Much of the time woman are the ones who do all the emotional work in a relationship. Yes, it's a generalization, but one I think is true, at least in my experience.

Time for you to seek out resources and help. If she won't go to counseling, you go alone. If she doesn't want to read books on relationships, you read them, mark them, and leave then for her to pick up.

She might never forgive you. But the question is how hard are you willing to work to try to make this work, even if it results in failure?

Give her time and all the attention that she deserves and wants from you.I know because I was cheated on after 10 years of marriage and that fling he had happened 4 years ago and sometimes it feels like yesterday.I loved him so much and the hurt is just so bad that it did destroy my desire for him even though I still love him. But that is the difference.I was "IN LOVE" with him and now I love him.Hard to describe the feelings.She will forgive eventually if she does love you but she will never forget and it might take years for her to trust you.The affair he had basically killed my sexual desire for him.I'm still trying to get over it.

I too have just found out that my spouse of 20 years, not only had 1 emotional affair, but a second one with his high school GF which lead to a sexual affair. I had always proclaimed that I would never be able to forgive or forget if a man did something like that to me, but I forgave him without asking. BTW he did call and ask the HS GF for forgivenes for putting her between the 2 of us. She more or less told him THANK YOU for using me and hung up. He still to this day has told me he does not care if I need to hear him say the words, he will not ask for my forgiveness. I have linked 98% of his action, conversations, lies, cheating, behaviours, new habits on midlife crisis. Not that this excuses his behaviours in any way. He has told me he wanted a divorce, but because of his co-dependency and victim mentality, he has not left and after 3 months back has decided to unpack his box. ( he has been so verbally abusive, I told him I could not live this way, I had an appointment with my attorney and he needed to move on-we both agreed he would leave and that was that... ) Well, last night he told me he knows he will never forgive himself if he 'abandons' us and therefore he is staying. Mind you, I am told I am a great person, it would be so easy to leave if I were a B&*ch. However, he is not in love with me, everything that has been bad in his life is because he married me, I am repulsive, disgusting, non-ethnic, lazy, I have no desire to better myself, my memory is too good, co-dependent and the list goes on and on... Interestingly enough, I am told everyday I am beautiful by strangers I meet on the street, at work, grocery stores. Last night a woman told me I was so beautiful I could be a model, of course she also told me she was straight, to not get the wrong idea.. lol.. But to him, I am not worthy of his forgiveness. So, on Monday, I went to the attorney and had the paper work for the divorce drawn up. Did I mention, he went to see her after 3 months of 'no contact' and then came home-lied about not seeing her, oh and she texted me the next day to call her about a misunderstanding. Yeah...
So... give your wife some time, let her know she is important, seek counseling together, rebuild that bridge between you. This is your fault-you brought this to her-you can not expect her to deal with it in a manner that pleases you, you have already pleased yourself.