Hello. I've been reading a lot of topics, I have come here more regularly than usual since my breakup and have started posting a bit more regularly. I've begun to notice a pattern here, and I want some of your theories and thoughts on this. Why is it, that a majority of the guys that post here end up posting questions with girls wanting space, and then are with a new guy a few days later? Then I noticed something else in a majority of these posts: The guy tells us he treated her like a queen, they rarely argued, they were always agreeable, maybe had a fight here and there, nothing serious. Had long term plans. She goes off to College, goes on a trip with friends for a week, comes back and things are suddenly changed. Oh, or the last boyfriend was on drugs or alcohol, treated her badly, abused her, etc.

I believe we blind ourselves from the truth when we make ourselves believe that they had some life revelation over the course of a few days that they need to "find themselves" and "work out their life" when we clearly know in MOST cases, it's a new guy. Why, I wonder, in such perfect relationships where the man treats his woman like a queen, she would go off and do this to him? I've come to the conclusion that maybe a MAJORITY, not ALL women really do go for this whole bad boy jerk cliché? Could a MAJORITY of women really only care about having fun, being stimulated at all times and really just care about themselves, and not about the man that was there for them so long?

I hope this doesn't sound biased, there are stories where women do the same thing for guys, but they go and do the same things to them.

My question for the women: I'm sure you know what I'm talking about here. Why is it that these nice guys on the help desk lose their lovers to these kinds of men? What about these sorts of lifestyles makes you give up your boyfriends, or fiancés, even husbands that you've been with for YEARS over someone with a lot of these qualities that are generally looked down upon by a lot of society? I'm curious about what all of your thoughts are on this subject.

I think by discussing these topics, that it may also help some of our friends here who have been through tough breakups, so they can learn lessons for future relationships.

I think a big part of the reason why this happens is because quite frankly, treating women like a queen, and putting her on a pedestal is eventually going to drive her away.

The same happened with my girlfriend. I've always been the very selfless kind and my girl has always been rather needy. I'd go completely out of my way to make her happy. I think what happens then is that somewhere down the line she'll feel inferior, like she's treating me badly, and in the end she'll end up hating herself because of it, and these feelings of self-loathing are coming from you, the guy who keeps giving her everything, and being there for her all the time.

Also, many times when being so selfless, you stop taking command. Women like their men to take command every now and then. Looking back at the relationship with my girlfriend I let her decide almost everything, not because I was a gip, but because I thought this would make her more happy, when in reality she'll feel like I'm just being very passive.

Furthermore, women like some mystery, and they like to feel like they person they're dating is slightly "above" them in social status. What happens when you're always the passive person is that you seem like a tw­at, and that's not really a turnon. Then she'll see some other guy, looking very self-secure, strong, doesn't seem to care that much about her because he seems so busy and like he's got so many other things going in his life, she gets curious and wants to see how life with a more self-secured individual is like.

Now bear in mind this is only an educated guess, but looking back at the relationship with my ex-girlfriend, and even though everything was so fine between us and we truly did love each other, I can't help but shake one of the last things she said to me: "It feels like you've been doing all this work to keep the relationship going, and that i've been treating you like dirt for the last couple of months, and i've started to hate myself for it".
And I realized I'd have hated myself too if the roles were reversed, but back then all I cared about was making her happy, without really considering what toll this paid on the relationship itself.

And again, I can't stress enough, I'm just speaking from personal experience, I may be way off.

Molecular, I had/did similar things to what you did. I was very selfless, trusting and most importantly (my downfall) Naïve. I'm not saying that I wasn't confident, but I have to say that I was passive when it came to her. I put her needs before mine and before I knew bam, she was out the door and with someone else within 3 days (her coworker who'd been trying to get with her for the past year).

There is definitely something to the theory that women are attracted to "bad boys". However, most women eventually grow out of that. If you are a nice guy who treats a woman well, good for you. Be patient and the right person will come along.

I'm just going to throw this out there for you guys... I'm a mom of two daughters... at one point in time or another I have had to meet the "new boyfriend"... with both daughters, at different times I could have smacked them up the side of the head for a couple of "bad boys" they hooked up with! BOTH of them have went from great guys to "What the heck are you thinkin!!" I think a lot of the issue depends on how the girl was raised, her actual maturity level, her outlook on life and her personality traits. My daughters weren't raised to be put on pedestals or treated like queens... I tried to instill in them that you get out of life what you put into it... that includes relationships. They also learned that you don't have to spend 24/7 together to make a relationship work. Both males and females need "me" time! My oldest, who is the quiet conservative one is now engaged to a great guy... who treats her great but doesn't do the queenly pedestal stuff! My youngest, who is the social butterfly and goes full speed, is just out of a "relationship" with a "badboy"... "Mom, he just ain't all that!" She's 10 years younger and learning the hard way...
I know it doesn't give you an exact answer to your questions... but this is what I've observed over the past few years. (The girls have friends that have done the same thing... and ended up with the great guys too!)

THere was definitely a time where I was very attracted to bad boys, now that I am a little older and wiser I learned that these type of men are destructive and will only hurt you in the end. These days I like the good guys they treat me with respect and are more serious and that is what I find attractive now. Not all women treat guys like crap, there are those of us who still appreciate a good man. My man looks like he was a bad boy in his hay day but now that its out of his system he's just what I want. Keep your head up and don't let a few stories lead you to believe that there aren't any genuine women out there who want a good man, because I know quite a few who does.

Interesting and your almost describing me. I did everything for my ex I we and beyond. Maybe I was to nice, maybe when her cat was dying and couldn't afford the vet bill I should have said ah well that's life and not pay it. But I'll never be or act like a jerk just to please or get someone.

Usually when I get into a relationship I don't have a huge struggle maintaining it, because I do NOT put her on the pedestal and put myself second. I've learned through hard experiences that I only trust one person completely: me. That's who I look out for at the end of the day.

My problem is just generating the interest to get these girls to date me, really.

High Max... I agree about the not putting the girl on a pedestal and putting yourself second... as long as everything is equal. What I do have a question about is the trust...
You say you look out for yourself... which is what you should do... but have you completely closed the door on trusting other women?

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Originally Posted by Katho

High Max...I agree about the not putting the girl on a pedestal and putting yourself second...as long as everything is equal. What I do have a question about is the trust...
You say you look out for yourself...which is what you should do...but have you completely closed the door on trusting other women?

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I know there are some good women, many of them who post her regularly. Unfortunately, reading some of the things here when guys put their whole hearts into everything, only to get it crushed brings down my faith in them significantly, as well as some real life experiences in the past, and with what some have put my friends through when they were the classic nice guy that treated them like a queen.

Ya know what... I'm glad to hear you know the good women are out there! I've read some of the posts too... but being a curious person, I'd like to hear the other side of the story too!
I was with my husband for 19 years until he passed away 4 years ago... and that man never put me on a pedestal or treated me like a queen or spoiled me rotten... and I loved him just as much. And on the other hand... ya have my best friend, one of the "foo-foos" who wants to be treated like a queen and thrives off it... (she really is a great person!)
I think we women have the female version of the great guy/bad guy thing going on too!
So maybe some of you guys need to re-evaluate what you're really looking for in a female... and if you find someone... don't treat the princess like the queen until you're sure of the royal lineage!

And, I didn't mean that as a slam to anyone... if anyone wants to be in a relationship it has to be a two-way street... some people (males and females) are just "takers" and not "givers". Most of the "bad boys" I've come across are "takers"... one of these days, these girls will find that out... and hopefully by then you will have found a partner who will be equal to you...