Why am I beating myself up over this?
Hello all, well I thought I would never be on the internet asking for advice, but I figured I would take a shot, because I am really having a hard time coping with the loss of my relationship.
I'm 25 and dated a 23 year old girl for a little over a half a year and we fell in love. She didn't really have any friends, because over the last couple of years, she had lied to them and talked badly about them to other people. She didn't really know what she wanted to do with her life. She said she loved her job, but everyday she would complain about it. She always seemed stressed and I did whatever I could, listen, talk, surprise her with things, plan a stress free evening for her on days she had a tough day, made her dinner, and set up a table in my backyard with flowers and everything... anything I could think of. But even though I did all these things, she never really seemed to excited or appreciative. Many times, she wouldn't even say thank you. She would always be in these bad moods throughout the day, and even when she was with me, she would just not seem right. I know that she wasn't happy about her money situation, because she had too many things on her plate, and after paying for them all, there wasn't much left over. She didn't really have much motivation about her life. Anyway, I took her on trips and to visit my friends a few hours away, and well she just never seemed all that happy, and that was tough on me, because I am an optimistic person, and it was enough for me to just be with her. Well she started lying to me about things, and started to not really make an effort in the relationship, and I just couldn't understand what was going on. I did everything I could to keep her happy and was always there for her, and it was at this point that I began to wonder if she was just with me because she didn't really have anything else better to do, and she was so unhappy with her life, so she just took advantage of me because I would always be there for her. She started to become a lot of talk and no action. But it has never been about the money or the job or anything like that with me. I love her, not what she had. Many people that saw how she was though, told me to break up with her, and cut my losses and move on.
Well, then one night, I lied to her about where I was. I work late, and got off and went to hang out with some GUY friends. She called, and we were talking and I told her that I was at home, because I know that despite all of my honesty, she always would speculate, and I assume I had to do with her past boyfriends... although sometimes I wonder if it was because she was just looking for me to make a single mistake, so she could pounce on it. Well I was at the bar with my guy friends, and she always went to bed early, so I sent her a message, telling her where I was going to be. Well, a few hrs later she called and asked where I was... I let he know that I was at home. Well in the middle of the conversation, my cell phone just quit. It was the worst timing ever. Well I had to find my old phone to now activate and set up, but it took forever. So about 2 hrs later, I finally got the phone set up, and she had called me like 13 times, and just as the phone came on, she was calling. I answered right away and told her how sorry I was, but she wasn't happy. I told her that I could understand that, but I was doing everything I could. She then said, why didn't you use the house phone. Well, that was a very good question, but I just didn't think of that, and in a sense I figured that she would probably have just fallen back asleep anyway. It was 2am and I didn't want to wake anyone in the house up, and well I just never ever use the house phone. Now, many times when I would call her at night, she would never answer the phone, sure she said she was sleeping, and sure I believed that, but she wouldn't call until the morning, and I never made a fuss about that. Well in the end, she said, its okay, I guess next time just remember you have a house phone. And I said, I know and I am sorry, but honestly I just panicked and because I never use it, I just didn't think about it... Well the next few days were okay, and then all of a sudden, she said that she wasn't happy. She said that she was not happy anymore that she had seen signs that she should break up with me.
Well, all that sticks in my head is that one night. She never had any reason to not trust me, so I have tried telling myself that this night was not one of those signs, because if it was, then basically I lost everything, but didn't even do anything wrong. Everyone tells me that this had nothing to do with why we aren't together, and that I needed to realize. Everyday though, this all that I can think about, and I just wonder if I had just thought about my house phone, or if my phone just hadn't crashed, would we still be together? How do I cope with the pain of thinking of this? It eats me alive, because I feel I lost everything, but for nothing.
