I am writing an essay on Cosmetic Surgery. For my thesis statement I want to cover these main points...

How people feel it is necessary to get cosmetic surgery but don't consider the risk involved.

Why people feel they need the surgery in the first place, to look acceptable to society.

The thesis statement I turned in to be checked was:

While there is a risk people go through a surgery, and go along with society to not like their personal look.

My teacher gave me feedback which was needed;saying it was too vague, and unclear- Which I see but I am having a hard time to revise it- Can you help?

Thanks,
Ash

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Originally Posted by ash127

I am writing an essay on Cosmetic Surgery. For my thesis statement I want to cover these main points...

how people feel it is necessary to get cosmetic surgery but don't consider the risk involved.

why people feel they need the surgery in the first place, to look acceptable to society.

The thesis statement I turned in to be checked was:

While there is a risk people go through a surgery, and go along with society to not like their personal look.

My teacher gave me feedback which was needed;saying it was too vague, and unclear- Which I see but I am having a hard time to revise it- Can you help?

Thanks,
Ash

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Hi, Ash!

How about something like the following? Vanity and the need for people to feel accepted by society can often lead them to think impulsively without considering the risks involved with having cosmetic surgery.

Or, something along those lines...

Would you please let me know if that was helpful?

Thanks!

Thank you for your great response. This is a great thesis statement for my topic. Thank you for your efforts.

My teacher had a chance to work with me (which I did not expect) on the thesis and we created one together.

Thank you for your response. Keep me in mind for next time!

ASH

Thanks! I'm glad that was helpful to you, Ash! Please let me know if you need any further assistance.

Thanks!