I really don’t know how to begin, and I honestly hope this doesn’t turn into a ridiculously long post but I really need input on something that is causing a lot of grief in my life. I know there is no easy answer so all I’m looking for is input.

I’m invisible, forgettable, lost easily in a crowd, as least in my personality. I have this strange and completely irrational fear of breaking the status quo, which in most cases means I am completely unable to approach people. I can only do something if it is absolutely clear in my mind that that action is what I am expected to do, and the role that has been bestowed upon me is to forever be that extra guy in the crowd. Nobody talks to me, unless out of necessity, and I don’t talk to anybody. It’s ridiculous and I hate it. Yet try as I might I can’t break free of it, or at least I don’t know how.

On several occasions I have tried to run some ‘experiments’ or just try to prove to myself that the whole situation is ridiculous. Introducing yourself to other people shouldn’t be that hard. So on a few occasions I have tried just that. Tried to make a friend or in some desperate cases picked a person out at random to just introduce myself to. The results vary but failure is directly proportional to how much I actually desire to build any form of relationship with that person. In some cases anxiety builds up almost to the point of physical pain. I know this is just a form of shyness, but unfortunately the ever useless well-wisher who constantly feel it necessary to point out that you should ‘just get over it’ are not appreciated.

My brain is also a constant opponent. In the cases that I actually do get to know someone that I would like to improve the relationship with I have this annoying tendency to distance myself instead. The rational goes something like this. I eventually realize that I’m the only one initiating anything, whether it’s invites or just approach to talk. So I hold back and hope they initiate something. Inevitably that doesn’t happen. Once I’ve lost the momentum shyness kicks in again, empowered by the fact that I now don’t know if they actually want to spend time with me.

Which returns me to the original problem, I’m invisible. So seeing as I can’t initiate anything myself, and it is a rare occasion that someone else needs me for anything beyond work and school it makes relationships impossible. Just basic friendships are a chore, and frankly any form of romantic engagement rests entirely in the realm of fairy tale and sick fantasy. I’m sick and tired of sitting alone in the back row of class and even more sick and tired of hating myself for failing so often to do anything about it.

By the way, I’m male, 21 and working on my second year of a Bachelor of Science Physics major. That probably should be in the first sentence.

Your not invisable you have my attention, there could be a lot of reasons things are the way they are but it all comes down to you, what do you want to do about it. You could probably live the rest of your life living life locked up in your shell or you can find an escape find help. Iam not saying that something's wrong with you just maybe you should talk to a professional just to get there opion, it a lonlely world feeling alone you just half to find that one thing that helps you escape from where you are...

I understand and I am here

I think you are very depressed and are probably doing things you would rather not be doing. My suggestion is to find the courage to make some major changes in your life. And I mean major. Lay it all down and simply walk away and begin again, somewhere else if possible. You are unhappy with your situation and nothing is going to change until you change it.

Hey there mate, do you for any reason dislike talking to people because of what they might think? have you had any previous experiences when you were small where you felt alone?

Are you living or your own or with other people, maybe you could join a club or society that your interested in hopefully one with less people so that you get to know one another better, id say try your best not to dwell on the negatives so much, even though I know how difficult that is.

Change my situation eh, don't tempt me. More then once I've thought about leaving. Burning the house down, driving the car off a cliff and walking to the Atlantic ocean. Changing scenery can't help, instead of hiding in a basement over here with my small peer circle I hide in a different basement in another city with no peer circle at all. No if I leave then everything goes, the city, the people, the schedules, everything.

Frankly given second thought I have no idea what I want. I have on several attempts tried to join group socials or something similar. The whole 'event' thing drives me completely up the wall. All events are about doing something, parties, or bowling, or movies or something. You go, you do whatever it is that they do and then you leave. That's it, nothing more. Instead of being 'that other guy in the back of the room' I become 'that other guy at that event'. Perhaps maybe you gain four more Facebook friends, whatever good that is. Small groups are preferable, but the problem remains that you can't just sign up for a small group. No you have to become part of it, you have to introduce yourself, you have to do something. In most cases I have no idea what that something is.

Yea I acting in such a way that others are affect because frankly I have no idea what they are thinking. I'm the type of person that sits down at an empty table and lets the rest fill up around me. If there are no empty tables left then I wait until everyone else is seated and take the remaining obligatory empty seat. It's not that I care about what other people think of me as a person, I just can't get myself past the fact that every action I take is resented by someone else. Perhaps I sat down next to someone that was hoping to sit next to someone else. Maybe I'm interrupting something important. Quite frankly the words 'I'm sorry I'm busy' are painful. After hearing that enough eventually I just stop trying, maybe secretly hope that when they are not busy then I'll get a call, it never comes. Eventually contact ends completely and any form of relationship dies with it. Relationships are like a job, you send out a lot of resumes and hope that you get a response from one. In my case just sending out one takes about a month of preparation, or just plain blind luck. Either way the chances of a callback are next to none.

I don't need large groups. I feel alone in large groups. Can't stand them. Noise and congestion distracts me, confuses me. My brain never stops analyzing. It never stops working, pondering, coming up with endless systems, templates, and hypotheses. When I have nothing to think about I start analyzing myself. That is why I avoid the comment about my past, I already understand the connections there. That is also why I can't stop focusing on the negative. The only way to do that is to distract myself. So that is what I do, logic puzzles, math equations, video games, and music. Never solves the problem, distraction doesn't work. How about positives? I have plenty, in fact there really is nothing wrong with my life. Nothing at all. My parents are still together, the closest thing to death I've ever had to deal with is my great grandma dying at the age of 102, I've got enough money to easily make it out of school debt free, and I'm an honors student, I don't do drugs, or smoke, and have a flawless drivers record. The worst part is when you realize that not one of these things I've mentioned actually really matter. Given enough incentive I would blow it all up and walk away.

I remember working with children a while back. There was this grade 1 boy that was lost and wanted to know where the rest of the kids were. I knew and offered to lead him there. Very naturally he put his hand up and took a hold of mine, expecting for me to lead him there hand in hand. I pushed it off, but he grabbed again. It was uncomfortable at best. How does one who can't even reassure a child by leading them by the hand form any kind of meaningful relationship. Especially when he's convinced that any action outside of the norm is a burden to those around him.

Rec, I think you are overdramatizing your problem perhaps to convince yourself that your situation is hopeless so you don't have to help yourself?? Am I right?

Your problem is simply lack of social skills. That's all.

You hope for others to draw you out so that's not working, you're going to have to give up the passive trip you are on if you want to find some happiness in life. Hey! It's not so bad. :)

Get some help with your social skills from a professional... called a life coach. You can change in a remarkable short period from a wall flower to a man engaged in real life>

Best wishes, :)

I know exactly where you are! Been there! When I was 25 a psychiatrist said that I should try Fluoxitine (prozac.) Other antidepressants had been used before... To no avail. Two days later my whole life changed.

I went to work and everyone was laughing. The jokes were funny! The people wanted to be with me. The same people who left me alone at a table before. All that analyzing of the situation was a thing left behind. Worship that drug? Oh yeah!

Fluoxetine is a member of the drug family that inhibits seratonin re-uptake. Anyone who has not experienced the severe deficiency of seratonin can not explain what works for them, to you. They are the people who tell you, "get over it."

Joining a small group is a good answer though. I still experience shutdown in a large group.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by recroom

Change my situation eh, don't tempt me. More then once I've thought about leaving. Burning the house down, driving the car off a cliff and walking to the Atlantic ocean. Changing scenery can't help, instead of hiding in a basement over here with my small peer circle I hide in a different basement in another city with no peer circle at all. No if I leave then everything goes, the city, the people, the schedules, everything.

Frankly given second thought I have no idea what I want. I have on several attempts tried to join group socials or something similar. The whole 'event' thing drives me completely up the wall. All events are about doing something, parties, or bowling, or movies or something. You go, you do whatever it is that they do and then you leave. That's it, nothing more. Instead of being 'that other guy in the back of the room' I become 'that other guy at that event'. Perhaps maybe you gain four more facebook friends, whatever good that is. Small groups are preferable, but the problem remains that you can't just sign up for a small group. No you have to become part of it, you have to introduce yourself, you have to do something. In most cases I have no idea what that something is.

Yea I acting in such a way that others are affect because frankly I have no idea what they are thinking. I'm the type of person that sits down at an empty table and lets the rest fill up around me. If there are no empty tables left then I wait until everyone else is seated and take the remaining obligatory empty seat. It's not that I care about what other people think of me as a person, I just can't get myself past the fact that every action I take is resented by someone else. Perhaps I sat down next to someone that was hoping to sit next to someone else. Maybe I'm interrupting something important. Quite frankly the words 'I'm sorry I'm busy' are painful. After hearing that enough eventually I just stop trying, maybe secretly hope that when they are not busy then I'll get a call, it never comes. Eventually contact ends completely and any form of relationship dies with it. Relationships are like a job, you send out a lot of resumes and hope that you get a response from one. In my case just sending out one takes about a month of preparation, or just plain blind luck. Either way the chances of a callback are next to none.

I don't need large groups. I feel alone in large groups. Can't stand them. Noise and congestion distracts me, confuses me. My brain never stops analyzing. It never stops working, pondering, coming up with endless systems, templates, and hypotheses. When I have nothing to think about I start analyzing myself. That is why I avoid the comment about my past, I already understand the connections there. That is also why I can't stop focusing on the negative. The only way to do that is to distract myself. So that is what I do, logic puzzles, math equations, video games, and music. Never solves the problem, distraction doesn't work. How about positives? I have plenty, in fact there really is nothing wrong with my life. Nothing at all. My parents are still together, the closest thing to death I've ever had to deal with is my great grandma dying at the age of 102, I've got enough money to easily make it out of school debt free, and I'm an honors student, I don't do drugs, or smoke, and have a flawless drivers record. The worst part is when you realize that not one of these things I've mentioned actually really matter. Given enough incentive I would blow it all up and walk away.

I remember working with children a while back. There was this grade 1 boy that was lost and wanted to know where the rest of the kids were. I knew and offered to lead him there. Very naturally he put his hand up and took a hold of mine, expecting for me to lead him there hand in hand. I pushed it off, but he grabbed again. It was uncomfortable at best. How does one who can't even reassure a child by leading them by the hand form any kind of meaningful relationship. Especially when he's convinced that any action outside of the norm is a burden to those around him.

---

Yes all events are about doing something or something being done, otherwise they wouldn't be events would they.yes you go and do what they do or rather in your own style of doing things but the whole point is to have fun and enjoy yourself, to forget abut the things that are bothering you and maybe even put a smile on that face. Yes if you sign up to join a group you try and become a part of it, but isn't that what your trying to do? Make friends?and yea you have to do something, i.e whatever it is the group does, e.g I've joined the airsofing team at my uni, there's only about 13 of us max and from that there's only about 5 of us on average that are at a single game, we meet up there say hi go out and shoot each other, then we go back to the safe area and laugh about how many we've short and where we've been shot. When I'm in the game it makes me forget about all the other stuff that's going on, and I think it would really help you if you could find something like that, that you could get into and enjoy with the people you are with.

As for the empty seat I'm the same, ill purposefully arrive last just so I can see where the least occupied space is and head in that direction. I understand about the always planning and preparing for what may happen next or how you think its most likely going to play out and thinking on how your going to deal with that situation. Every action you take is not resented they may look at you in a way that seems so but that's because you're the most interesing thing at the moment, the thing that stands out, that's not in order with everything else, if you were to sit down next to someone if they were that bothered by it or if it was that important I'm sure they would ask you to move because they were waiting for someone or whatever.

You do seem very depressed about all this but I wouldn't recommend asking for the antidepressants rout straight away, if you do seek help maybe somekind of therapy or counseling, so that you will be helping yourself and not depending on medication to help you.

Right, depending on a medication to "fix" your problems is like using a crutch. I'ts way easier to get around with crutches if one leg is in a cast though.

I have taken an SSRI (selective seratonin reuptake inhibitor) off and on for a very long time. Going off it always seems like a good idea until the same grey curtains come down around everything, in spite of therapy.

Are you seeing a therapist? Psychologists can not prescribe medication (psychiatrists can.) They can help you to get a more positive game plan. Don't just try to distract yourself. Life is about laughing with the jokes and the realization that everyone is not out to get you. When you feel the way you have described, it's very likely that no amount of faking it will "fix" you.

Just an opinion. An opinion that I so wish someone had told me.

Your scare me with somoe of the things you say, I know how depression is and it makes you not think clearly and be in your right mind..
You have to make up your mind you don't want to live like this and step forward and get help.
Man there is some great advise here from some of these people listen, things will never
Change till you want them to change.

We care and let us know how things are going.

What about trying meditation. Sounds to me like you need to get in touch with yourself. Once you get into that for a bit you will stop caring about what other people think of you. I can't help feeling that it is your attitude that drives people away. No one want to be around a very depressed person all day. You are probably zapping their energy. You may not realise it but your depressive persona is causing then to avoid you. Change what you are thinking and you change your mood. Try meditation. Read up on the seven circuits of the brain and realise that you are more than you know.

I think you need to take some time for you and work on your problems before you tackle on school. I think maybe you should start by talking to some one at your schools health center. You have to get help. You know this or you wouldn't be hear talking to us I know your reaching out for help here and for the most part we are concerned. I know how it is to feel alone with out anyone just to chat with or hang with. But your taking the first step by talking to us. Your odviously a very smart man just lacking a bit in the social dept this is the time step out of your comfort shell and get any hep that you feel comfortable with.

Take care