Ask Me Help Desk - My ex is making a relationship with my Daughter impossible

My husband and I were divorced in 1995. We agreed to joint custody with him being the residential parent. He didn't ask the court for any child support at that time. In 2001 he was re-married and him and his wife decided that I needed to pay child support. I do not get to see my daughter, because he won't agree to any visits. She is 15 now and does call me every now and again or will email me, however we haven't actually seen each other at all since November 05. The child support order was just modified and I wasn't notified about it until after the fact. I live in Colorado and he lives in Kansas. I have 2 other children that live in my home and I am having a difficult time providing for them with the huge amount I have to pay him. I don't claim her on my taxes, he won't let me have a relationship with her and won't talk to me about any of this. I can not afford to get an Attorney in another state and take off work to go down to Kansas for this. I need some advice as to what I could do about this situation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tatmaczo

My husband and I were divorced in 1995. We agreed to joint custody with him being the residential parent. He didn't ask the court for any child support at that time. In 2001 he was re-married and him and his wife decided that I needed to pay child support. I do not get to see my daughter, because he won't agree to any visits. She is 15 now and does call me every now and again or will email me, however we haven't actually seen each other at all since November 05. The child support order was just modified and I wasn't notified about it until after the fact. I live in Colorado and he lives in Kansas. I have 2 other children that live in my home and I am having a difficult time providing for them with the huge amount I have to pay him. I don't claim her on my taxes, he won't let me have a relationship with her and won't talk to me about any of this. I can not afford to get an Attorney in another state and take off of work to go down to Kansas for this. I need some advice as to what I could do about this situation.

If you don't appear in Court and argue against child support you are going to be forced to pay it. At this point, of course, you would have to argue bad service (which is really no service), get the "new" order set aside, your "ex" will file again and then you will appear and defend yourself.

Visitatation and support are not related - if you want to see your daughter and your ex won't allow it, then you have to file for visitation. I'm sure you are aware that the fact that you haven't made a legal attempt to see your child will hurt you if your ex fights you on the issue; on the other hand, she's 15 and the Court will talk to her although it does not have to follow her wishes.

Kansas uses a child support calculator which lists income, expenses, cost of health insurance and so forth to set child support. You would have to prove your income and expenses and the Court would "percentage" the figures out. I don't know how the Court came to any conclusion without your paperwork, other than a simple default judgment.

Of course you can't claim her on your taxes - from what I can tell you haven't paid support for her since 1995, 13 years ago, and I would assume she's been living in a house and eating food all this time, which her father is paying for.

When a man posts something like this people are very judgmental; I'm curious to see what the reaction will be when it's a female posting.

Perhaps I wasn't clear enough. I was seeing her until he got re-married and I have been paying support for the last 7 years. (he didn't request any support until 7 years ago.) I send hefty amounts to her for Birthdays and Christmas. I was also buying school clothes and supplies, until I just could no longer afford it. I am not looking for judgements, only advice.
Thanks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tatmaczo

Perhaps I wasn't clear enough. I was seeing her until he got re-married and I have been paying support for the last 7 years. (he didn't request any support until 7 years ago.) I send hefty amounts to her for Birthdays and Christmas. I was also buying school clothes and supplies, until I just could no longer afford it. I am not looking for judgements, only advice.
Thanks.

Sorry - I read this to mean that you have not been paying child support.

Quote:

My husband and I were divorced in 1995. We agreed to joint custody with him being the residential parent. He didn't ask the court for any child support at that time. In 2001 he was re-married and him and his wife decided that I needed to pay child support.

The Court will not take anything other than regular child support to be child support - gifts, etc. school supplies, do not count toward support. They are considered to be gifts.

If you want to see your child you have to file for visitation - if you are not a danger to the child (and I assume you are not) they cannot keep you from visiting with your child.

As far as support goes - and I would guess at this point that an order for increased support has been granted - you would have to file for improper service and go from there, as I advised earlier.

I understand what you are saying... there was an agreement that he isn't abiding by. Is there something I can do to enforce this without the hassle and added expense of obtaining an Attorney? Is this really even worth it if she isn't interested in having a relationship? Is it worth stress and upset to my other children? (My oldest has never liked my others, They are 11 and 4) Do I just let it go and keep paying and not seeing her? I have many questions and dilemas. I am not a "dead beat" parent. I was 15 when I had her and got Married. I was young and naïve and just went along with whatever he wanted. I thought it was best for her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tatmaczo

I understand what you are saying....there was an agreement that he isn't abiding by. Is there something I can do to enforce this without the hassle and added expense of obtaining an Attorney? Is this really even worth it if she isn't interested in having a relationship? Is it worth stress and upset to my other children? (My oldest has never liked my others, They are 11 and 4) Do I just let it go and keep paying and not seeing her? I have many questions and dilemas. I am not a "dead beat" parent. I was 15 when I had her and got Married. I was young and naive and just went along with whatever he wanted. I thought it was best for her.

I think you're going to have to weigh what you are now ordered to pay, what you SHOULD be paying, the cost of an Attorney, what makes financial sense.

Many Courts have advocates who represent people who don't have the funds for an Attorney. You might call the Clerk where the Order was issued and asked about that.

My feeling is that as she gets older she's going to want to know you but that's not the question here and that is for some time in the future.

Why don't you start by calling the Courthouse and see what they do about assigned counsel, advocates, something like that - ?

I could post the site that gives you an idea of the support you should be paying but I hate referring people to sites and until you know about legal counsel it would make no sense.

I hope you stick around here after this question is answered - I really think your experience as a very young mother could be so helpful to people, particularly kids wondering what to do... or not to do.

Thanks! I have been in contact with Ford County, the District Court Trustee, the Department of Social and Rehabilitaion Services and a couple of Attorneys. I spoke with my Attorney here in Colorado that I have retained and he told me what I can do, but that it needs to be through and Attorney in Kansas. I suppose I just need to decided what I really want to do and how far I wish to go with this.