Ask Me Help Desk - Have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me

We keep getting into fights!

Last night kept escalating until we broke up and then
Decided to salvage what we had!

I am always depressed and I don't know why? I never have faith in the
Fact that he cares (we are long distance) and I never seem to be able
Just to "have fun." He doesn't know how to console me and just says that
I need to stop "hinging my happiness on him."

I don't know what to do, I don't want to lose him. But I never feel like I am
Able to be the "happy go lucky" "easy going" person he needs. I also don't know
Why I am so depressed all the time and why I have no faith in him.

He says I hang on to my misery like a warm blanket. He says he doesn't know
How to make me happy.

It seems like everyone who has ever loved me I have pushed away because I
Don't believe that I should be loved or deserve it. I CAN'T believe it.

Maybe I will never be happy. Maybe I will never be a good girlfriend to anyone.
Maybe I am incompatible with the majority of people. Maybe no one will ever
Make me happy.

I don't even know what we fight about most of the time. I block it out. I feel so
Empty inside.

Maybe he did love me and I just ruined it forever. Maybe I don't know how to ask
For what I need because I don't know what I need. Maybe what I need is too much for anyone to handle. Maybe I can't read him or can't see him for who he is.

I feel so alone.

Maybe you should stop thinking about the maybe's and continue on in life. There's no point dragging heavy feet.. Just live life and move on from this guy. It's a long distance relationship and study shows that long distance relationships are the ones that end badly. Live life to the fullest

You really need to love yourself a whole lot more, and make yourself happy.

Start with a routine check up and make sure that depression is nothing medical. Be honest with your doctor, and go from there.

Most of us strike out with those long distance relationships, they are very hard for even the most mature, or committed, partners.

It's not your boyfriend's job to make you happy, it's not ANY boyfriend's job. Men don't "complete" their women, that's just Hollywooding.

A boyfriend's job it to be a confident, independent, self-sufficient man with hobbies, habits, character and career all worth admiring. Oh, yeah, that's the girlfriend's job, too.

Then, these two independent, confident, self-sufficient people with hobbies, habits, characters and careers worth admiring get together and admire each other.

That's happiness.

You can't expect him to be the one to 'rescue' you - that's not how these things work. If this relationship is making you more miserable than happy, then its good that it ended... however, I think you need to re-evaluate your definition of a relationship and what you expect from a boyfriend... (and JBs definition seems dead on to me)

First let me say that for some reason the name peanut oil made me laugh.

Quote:

Originally Posted by peanut_oil

I am always depressed and I don't know why?

From what you write this fact seems separate from the relationship. As Tal stated, go see a doctor, you may be suffering from depression. Also, do you exercise? Exercise is proven to make you feel better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by peanut_oil

I never have faith in the fact that he cares (we are long distance) and I never seem to be able just to "have fun."

Again, this seems like it's depression talking, not relationship problems. I think you are confusing the two.

Quote:

Originally Posted by peanut_oil

He doesn't know how to console me

Well in his defense, I'd bet you he doesn't understand why you need to be consoled. Men see consoling as something that needs to be done when someone dies or something tragic happens. You seem to want it as part of the relationship as a bonding type of thing. Guys do not want to console because that means something extremely bad has happened. You have associated with together time. You two are completely different pages... books actually when it comes to this, and to be honest I see why he doesn't want to console you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by peanut_oil

and just says that I need to stop "hinging my happiness on him."

I'll grant you that statement might be confusing, and this is not a knock on him because I don't think he knows how to put this into the right words. What he is telling you is that he is responsible for his happiness, and you are responsible for your happiness and the relationship is a point in the middle. While he can entertain you, while he can do things you like, while he can provide support in true times that call for it, he is not the sole responsible party in your life that was put here on earth to bring you happiness and that job falls onto you. What he is saying is you are not holding your end of the bargin, it is your job to make yourself happy not his.

Furthermore, if you are already suffering from depression you are asking him to fight a unwinnable battle. He can not make someone happy from the outside when she's not happy on the inside. You can't look externally for what you have internally and he knows that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by peanut_oil

I don't know what to do, I don't want to lose him. But I never feel like I am able to be the "happy go lucky" "easy going" person he needs. I also don't know why I am so depressed all the time and why I have no faith in him.

What about you? What kind of person do you need to be for yourself? That's who you need to worry about right now. He is secondary... and I bet if you asked him he'd actually agree with me on that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by peanut_oil

He says I hang on to my misery like a warm blanket. He says he doesn't know how to make me happy.

Well, why is that? Look I grew up in a very depressing household but at some point I said to myself, "I can't live my life like that." Do I have my moments of depression? Sure, but guess what, that's living life. But I make it a point every day to be happy about something, and think in a positive light. I constantly talk to my own brain and ask myself "What is good about this situation?" If you let it, the brain will always go negative, it is designed that way as a protection device, you have to essitentially override it and turn everything around into a positive.

To your boyfriends credit... his comments are not exactly friendly but he is at least trying to tell you what his problem is. In that regard he's not hiding it from you, I just don't think he knows how to say exactly what he means.

Quote:

Originally Posted by peanut_oil

It seems like everyone who has ever loved me I have pushed away because I don't believe that I should be loved or deserve it. I CAN'T believe it.

It seems like everyone who has ever loved me I have pushed away because I become the nice guy that gets walked on and I don't believe it because I'm a nice guy. But guess what I recognize the problem and I constantly work on it. I've even had my moments where I fall backwards, but I don't quit. So there you go neither of us are perfect. Now that we have to live with not being perfect let's recognize your problem. You seem to be suffering from depression, and you seem to think that your happiness is going to come from something external. Depression can be treated by a doctor, or even by the foods you eat, exercising, setting up small goals for yourself and accomplishing them, and turning every situation around so that it is a positive.

Quote:

Originally Posted by peanut_oil

Maybe I will never be happy. Maybe I will never be a good girlfriend to anyone. Maybe I am incompatible with the majority of people. Maybe no one will ever make me happy.

Most people are incompatible with the majority of people.

You are right and you don't even see it. You said no one will ever make you happy. Dead on accurate. You couldn't have said it better. No one will ever make you happy. It's not the job of anybody to make you happy. It's your job to make yourself happy so that you have something to offer somebody else. Let's be real, if you and I were dating, and I was always telling you how happy you have to make me, would that be fair to you? Wouldn't you start thinking to yourself, "Why is it my job to make you happy?"

Quote:

Originally Posted by peanut_oil

I don't even know what we fight about most of the time. I block it out. I feel so empty inside.

This is so telling. Most guys don't want to fight, so I can't imagine he's thrilled to be wasting his energy and time on something that is not even being remembered. If your not even remembering what you fight about and he doesn't want to fight, then there is another problem here, and again it appears to be depression.

Quote:

Originally Posted by peanut_oil

Maybe he did love me and I just ruined it forever. Maybe I don't know how to ask for what I need because I don't know what I need.

JACKPOT! I think you have said volumes here. I think you are exactly right you don't know how to ask for what you need because you don't know, and he doesn't know how to tell you because he's communicating on a logical level and not an emotional one.

First, you need to fix your brain. Your brain is depressed and that's fine, your not the first and you won't be the last who's been there so if your having some big disaster in your mind about this just stop it now because you not alone.

Second, what you need is not outside of you. You came into this world alone, you don't need a guy. You need to you, and ultimately you have only you to depend on, so focus on making the strongest you possible.

Quote:

Originally Posted by peanut_oil

Maybe what I need is too much for anyone to handle. Maybe I can't read him or can't see him for who he is.

So instead of waiting for someone else to handle it, handle it yourself. In fact, how awesome would that make you feel that instead of waiting and giving someone else credit for making you happy, would it make you feel if you made yourself happy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by peanut_oil

I feel so alone.

Well quit feeling that way. Look, you brain tries to make you happy. It provides you with the feelings that it thinks you want, and if you keep telling yourself "No one cares" and "Nobody can make me happy" then your brain is going to follow along and alienate people from your life and you will feel alone... and look that's exactly what happened. So in reality your brain has done everything you've asked it to do. So now that we know your brain is working perfectly, why not turn everything around to produce positive outcomes. Instead of no one can make me happy start telling yourself, I'm the only person I need to make me happy but if someone else should come along I will share SOME of my happiness with them but keep some for myself.

Feelings are the result of thoughts and actions that you have set yourself up for so it's up to you to start setting yourself up for positive feelings from this point forward.

Peanut Oil,
Please do not feel all alone. I bet you would be hard pressed to find anyone who has not been in your place at one time or another. The good news is that it doesn't have to be a permanent condition. You show all the signs of a deep seeded depression and your negative self talk is fueling the fire. Please seek the medical help that will clear this fog surrounding you. It works, I know. PM me if you want more detail, I'd love to help you.