I just got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder
Hi Everyone,
I want to start by saying how wonderful you all are, and that I thank God for this chat site. Perhaps you may know me from posting on the 'Relationship' section, which is absolutley wonderful as well, and I can't thank you all enough. My name is Karen and have been battling with depression since I was a child, and now I just got diagnosed with BPD. I am thankful in one aspect that I finally know what is wrong with me but I am so scared, and have been living through hell, and I am now putting my boyfriend through hell as well. He is loving and so supportive, but, by the same token, is angry and frustrated by my outbursts/episodes. When he would flirt, and make comments in the past about pretty women (I know, a lot of men, and women, do this), however, I keep thinking he doesn't love me, doesn't think I am pretty enough for him, not good enough sexually, and that he would rather be with someone different. He assures me over and over, that he loves me, he doesn't want anyone else, that I am pretty, sexy, etc and that he isn't going anywhere. He has said that he feels that I have been pushing him away, because what he says hasn't been sinking in, I just have these dark images constantly in my head, of him cheating, desiring someone else, being intimite with someone else, and he is getting frustrated at me (rightfully so). I am even ashamed to be out in public, because even when I am alone and a pretty girl is around, these thoughts of 'if he saw her, he would rather be with her'. I hate living like this, and I am getting help. How long does it take to get better?
I go to a psychologist once a week, and my boyfriend went with me last week, and the therapist saw how I was acting, and told me to imagine a stop sign when I get these thoughts, and back off from constantly asking my b/f these things.
I also went to a psychiatrist, and he diagnosed me with the BPD, and started me on 5 mg of Abilify and Pristiq (50 mg), then eventually wants to add Lithium on top. I have taken meds in the past (prozac, wellbutrin, lexapro, zoloft, cimbalta), but I haven't been on anything for almost 2 years. Now my episodes started back up around spring of this year. I am so scared of ever losing him, and pushing him away. How do I learn to trust, and hear his words?
He has been reading a lot on this disorder with me, and although he tries to understand, it is hard for him. Now I feel that he wants to distance himself. But I love him, and I want to make him happy again. I feel so guilty and horrible.
How do I not do this behavior? The dr. said I will have to be on meds for a long time, maybe life?
Thanks everyone.
Karen