Been married 20 years... ups and downs... but a long time ago I met my soulmate. We've tried to stay away from each other, but we always find a way to reconnect. I love my spouse but haven't been "in love" FOR A long time. I tried to tell him that I didn't love him the way I should and he just thinks I'm going through a tough time right now. How do I break it to him that life is short and we should move on? I want him to be happy and find someone that will love him the way he's meant to be loved. I truly don't want to hurt him, but, recently I've realized, after losing a young loved one that life is short and I want to move on to be the person I've wanted to be for so long.
Bottom line... how do I get out without hurting him.

You can't. You will hurt him, the question is just how bad! Tell him you loved who he is and will like him forever but time changes. It's important to say everything you've shared with him was genuine. You still like him but not as much as you both need.
I hope that can help you.

Cheers,

William (the French Kiwi)

You really can't. That's like trying to explain to someone that their father has died. There is no way to break the news without hurting them. What I'd think about first is why you fell in love with your husband in the first place. What made you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Maybe if you figure that out, you might be able to bring back that spark. And keep in mind you are at the age of a mid-life crisis. The time when you realize that the prime of your life is gone and you wonder if you'll ever be able to bring back those feelings of youth and spontaneity. People, during this time in life, are prone to do drastic things. One person might buy a boat. Or marry a person 20 years younger than they are. Or get surgery. Or buy a car they can't afford. Or go sky diving. Something to bring back the feelings they had during their youth. My mom wants to be a new house. My dad bought a Motorcycle. Mom's almost 50 and Dads passed 50. See how extreme that is? My mom wants to sell the current house (which we love) and buy a new house and spend another 30 years paying for it. Tell me, would you still want to be paying for your house when your 80? And Dad has a motorcycle which he rides every free chance he gets. He's working my sister and I through college yet he spend 14,000 dollars on a bike.

Think hard before you make this decision. The 'other' guy offers something new. Maybe you feel as though he's just like your husband use to be. I just don't want you to end a relationship with a man you've spent 20 years of your life with just to run off with this other guy who is fresh. I mean, what if you both spend a year together and you realize you've made a terrible mistake? What if he turns into a totally different person over time? Honestly, I don't see why you'd want to be with a guy who's willing to break up a marriage. He knew you were married. He should have made SURE to stay away from you and not let any intimacy pass between you two. Even if you did push it. A good man would act a little like a jerk on purpose just to make sure that you don't decide to do exactly what you are considering. He doesn't seem very responsible or empathetic of your husband. He's willing to take part in breaking up a 20 year long relationship. What if he does to you what you want to do with your husband? What if, 6 months from now, you are madly in love with this new guy but he says "I've found someone that I click with a little better than you. Perhaps we should move on. It was fun but I've found someone else." I'm just asking you to look at all of the facts before you jump the gun.

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how do I get out without hurting him.

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There is no way he doesn't get hurt, so be honest, and straight forward, and leave. Then tell him to come here, and we will help him through the process of adjusting, after losing half his life.

The only reason you should leave this man is if the other man can give you a MUCH BETTER standard of living because he has lots of money. That would give you a much easier retirement. Life isn't going to be so easy in the US going forward... there are practical matters to consider. :)

Your husband has a very realistic view of life. He seems to be even tempered, and knows you for the romantic that you are and didn't reject you after hearing your fantasies.

I'm not so sure he would be very heartbroken if you ran off with the other guy. Why do you think he would be?

Why don't you two get a "legal separation" for six months to a year and see how you both feel at that time?

Good Luck in the future,

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Originally Posted by iDish

You really can't. That's like trying to explain to someone that their father has died. There is no way to break the news without hurting them. What I'd think about first is why you fell in love with your husband in the first place. What made you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Maybe if you figure that out, you might be able to bring back that spark. And keep in mind you are at the age of a mid-life crisis. The time when you realize that the prime of your life is gone and you wonder if you'll ever be able to bring back those feelings of youth and spontaneity. People, during this time in life, are prone to do drastic things. One person might buy a boat. Or marry a person 20 years younger than they are. Or get surgery. Or buy a car they can't afford. or go sky diving. Something to bring back the feelings they had during their youth. My mom wants to be a new house. My dad bought a Motorcycle. Mom's almost 50 and Dads passed 50. See how extreme that is? My mom wants to sell the current house (which we love) and buy a new house and spend another 30 years paying for it. Tell me, would you still want to be paying for your house when your 80? And Dad has a motorcycle which he rides every free chance he gets. He's working my sister and I through college yet he spend 14,000 dollars on a bike.

Think hard before you make this decision. The 'other' guy offers something new. maybe you feel as though he's just like your husband use to be. I just don't want you to end a relationship with a man you've spent 20 years of your life with just to run off with this other guy who is fresh. I mean, what if you both spend a year together and you realize you've made a terrible mistake? What if he turns into a totally different person over time? Honestly, I don't see why you'd want to be with a guy who's willing to break up a marriage. He knew you were married. He should have made SURE to stay away from you and not let any intimacy pass between you two. Even if you did push it. A good man would act a little like a jerk on purpose just to make sure that you don't decide to do exactly what you are considering. He doesn't seem very responsible or empathetic of your husband. He's willing to take part in breaking up a 20 year long relationship. What if he does to you what you want to do with your husband? What if, 6 months from now, you are madly in love with this new guy but he says "I've found someone that I click with a little better than you. Perhaps we should move on. It was fun but I've found someone else." I'm just asking you to look at all of the facts before you jump the gun.

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Thank you for your wisdom... This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with... and I so don't want to hurt him or my family... but there is nothing left in this relationship and life is too short to settle any more... It hurts, but I have to honest with myself so that I can be the person that I'm meant to be

You might think out of whatever you call it. Familiarity, Boredom that someone else brings a spark that they are thus your soulmate.

Word of warning. You might think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence from a distance. But when you break out of your pasture and jump the fence you find you are standing on astroturf. Then its too late to change what you have done.

Well you can't tell him without hurting,but I think the best thing to do,is to tell him as soon as possible.just let him know the truth and that you'll always be there for him.just let him know that your ''IN LOVE'' and that you can't keep living a lie,and that you deserve to be happy...

I'm also curious as to how this ends. Please update us on whether things went okay with this new guy and how your husnabd behaves after all of this.

You probably feel the same for this new guy as you did when you First met your husband. 20 years is a long time! (I'm 21) you're probably just bored. New relationships are always exciting no matter who the guy is. Your relationship with the new guy will be tons of fun at first but will go town hill as fast as your marriage.

I have always hated the idea of divorce but I do wonder how two people can make it their whole lives in the same marriage and I applaud those who do.

It feel kind of funny being 21 and giving YOU advice but it's been a long time- almost the span of my lifetime- since you have dated and maybe you have forgotten that dating it only fun in the first few months- just wanted to remind you before you broke off your marriage for someone new. And it probably is that you want someone NEW- not that he's your sole mate, or you may think that now.

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Originally Posted by snotbubble

you probably feel the same for this new guy as you did when you First met your husband. 20 years is a long time! (i'm 21) you're probably just bored. New relationships are always exciting no matter who the guy is. Your relationship with the new guy will be tons of fun at first but will go town hill as fast as your marriage.

I have always hated the idea of divorce but I do wonder how two people can make it their whole lives in the same marriage and i applaud those who do.

it feel kind of funny being 21 and giving YOU advice but it's been a long time- almost the span of my lifetime- since you have dated and maybe you have forgotten that dating it only fun in the first few months- just wanted to remind you before you broke off your marriage for someone new. and it probably is that you want someone NEW- not that he's your sole mate, or you may think that now.

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I believe that l12 has obviously given a lot of thought to this decision, and not made it on a whim because she is bored and is looking for the thrill of a new relationship. It's a little presumptuous to suppose that she is like a giddy teenager who is only looking for a little excitement and change.

It says something about her that she has been in this relationship for 20 years, and she has tried to make it work all this time. She does love her husband... but "loving" someone and being "in love" are two different things. Sometimes people fall out of love with each other - it doesn't mean that they are doing anything wrong. And sometimes they cannot force themselves to be back "in love" even though they love and care deeply for each other.

Maybe this other guy is her soulmate, maybe he is not. Only she can determine that. But it is her right to live her life, and find her happiness - if she chooses to do so;... Or regret for the rest of her life that she missed out exploring this chance for her happiness.

Please know that I understand the above post and why you said what you did. I know that strong relationships that last a lifetime are an inspiration because that is what we all want. But more often than not, a lot of people stay in unhappy marriages because of limited or impossible options.

However, some people try things later in life that they always wanted to do but were too busy or cautious or unsure about doing before. iDish mentions earlier in this thread about his dad and mom doing things that made no financial sense to him... but I believe that they did those things because they made them happy. Life can pass by so fast; and the longer you wait, the less time you have to enjoy the things you want. It's a little hard to see that as very important when you're so young because you have plenty of time ahead of you.

@l12: I hope you find the strength to talk to your husband; and no matter what you decide to do, I hope things work out wonderfully for you.

I won't lie if I was in your husbands shoes I would be effing livid.

What is a "soulmate" Is this some term a bunch of people made up to justify cheating on their spouse? You have been married for 20 years, so what, it sounds like you have been cheating for a long time on your husband. I guess you have forgotten "for better or worse", and "until death do us part". Marriage is a series of up's and down's If you run away in the down times this time, what makes you think you won't run away again the next down time with Mr. Soulmate for the next soulmate that blows your skirt up? At this point and from what little information you have provided I think the best solution would be counselling to help you fix what is wrong in your current marriage. The only time I would advocate leaving a spouse is if there was abuse in the house. Divorce only exchanges one set of problems for another set of problems.

Divorce, and get it over with, and let your husband of 20 years have a chance at finding his own soulmate, because your not it.

It is possible that he is having the very same thoughts that you are having and just does not want want to hurt you. If you marriage has grown as dull aand boring as you make it sound surly he has had some thoughts of ending it also.

Yea but take into consideration the following.

You've been married for 20 years. If he's in the comfortable little niche that he's happy and content with you and all of a sudden you drop a bomb on him saying I'm in love with someone else, who truly is my soulmate, and it has been several years since I found this out.

I'd effing lose it man. A) You didn't respect your feelings when you first discovered them however long ago. B) You have disrespected him and played a game that has f***ed with his emotions, his heart, and his sense of selfworth at the end. In my eyes what you have done is ridiculously selfish. I respect the fact that you are no longer in love with your husband, sure. But to have waited this long to make a decision, that is complete and utter BS.

Please be civil.

The OP is asking for advice, not judgement, and since you are not in her shoes, you have no way of knowing how difficult or not this is for her.

Please bear in mind that she IS thinking about this, and IS planning on leaving her husband--if you read her question, it has nothing to do with saving her marriage. She's asked for advice on how to end her marriage without hurting her husband.

Now... we all know that's impossible. However, your judgement on her isn't helping, either. She hasn't "cheated". She is ending her marriage so that she does NOT cheat. Isn't that the advice so many of you always give---get out rather than betray your spouse?

Bottom line, however, is this:

If you can not treat the OP with respect and answer her actual question, then I will close the question and the OP will have to PM me to have it re-opened.

You said it so well! Thank you.

She has not cheated on her husband, and it does not sound like that.

She mentioned that she tried to tell her husband that she does not love him any more - so its not really an unexpected "bomb" to him.